Friday, July 16, 2010

Where Are They Now?

by: the Admiral

After my recent interview with Mike Tyson Punchout star Don Flamenco the Admiral started wondering what ever happened to some of his other beloved childhood video game stars. After nearly a half hour of extensive research by the entire DBSF Investigative Team, DBSF is proud to bring you an upcoming 2-hour G4/VH1 Special, “Behind the Mushroom, Where are They Now, Video Game Stars?” Let’s take a sneak peek;

Annoying friends and younger brothers who were often relegated to player 2 never really got to know Mario, but were well acquainted with Luigi from the original Super Mario Bros franchise. DBSF caught up with Luigi at his home in Hoboken, New Jersey; a far cry from the Entourage-like life in the fast lane he once enjoyed.

"I was a plumber before all this shit happened, and I’m a plumber now. It was a fun ride, but I'm resigned to the fact that I’m basically the MC Hammer of video games. The Hammer Bros. warned me to get percentage points in my deal, but what did I know, my agent kept telling me they could release the game without a player 2 and I caved. And if I never see that bitch Princess again it will be too soon. When we eloped in Vegas, Mario vowed to never speak to me again; plus, she took everything in the divorce and is living with that fucking midget Toadstool. (squeaky voice) Oooooooo, I’m Toadstool, I’m a CPA. LA-DE-FREAKING-DA!"

From the minute Don King discovered Sonic on a playground in Harlem he knew he had a marketable commodity. His flamboyant style and devil may care attitude made him a hero to the inner city and a Madison Avenue darling. His meteoric rise seemed unstoppable, and despite his long running feud with Keanu Reeves over losing out on the lead role in the movie Speed, Sonic was a triple threat, making money in video games, movies, and music. Most people think the bombing of his 2nd album was what moved Sonic into obscurity, but Behind the Mushroom has learned it started way before that.

"People don't know this, but those Dan & Dave Reebok ads for the 1992 Olympics were supposed to be Sonic & Dave. Shit fell apart when I tested positive for methamphetamines and then I blew out my ACL. 1993 was rock bottom for me, but after I got out of rehab and secured a business loan from Megaman I was able to open my first Sonic franchise. It's not an Olympic gold medal, but we are America's Drive-In."

Thirty-somethings everywhere remember where they were the first time they assembled the elusive TriForce and saved HyRule. The truth is that these days, Link would settle for the life of washed up rapper, JaRule. Hounded by the paparazzi amid rumors that he was discovered in a DC hotel room with a gay prostitute, Link was unable to find work anywhere in Hollywood. Despite multiple interventions by Donkey Kong & Leisure Suit Larry and a brief cameo appearance on Beverly Hills 90210, Link has never recaptured the public's imagination and has been living under a bridge in Reseda. Living under a bridge is a brilliant life for a troll, but a sad chapter in the life of a once promising elf. When we caught up with Link for Behind the Mushroom, he showed that characteristic anger and self destructive nature that torpedoed his career;

"For the last time, I'm not gay, I'm just an elf. This is how we look. This is how we act. I'm no different than Legalus from ‘Lord of the Rings’ and he was voted the sexiest man alive, but I'm a closet homo? Get the fuck away from my bridge"

The role of Dig Dug was a dream come true for this coal miner turned superstar from Buckhannon, WV. After a modest, but successful career Dug saved and invested wisely starting his own empire with the drilling company Dig Dug, Inc, a subsidiary of British Petroleum. He was enjoying a quiet life until a few months ago the Washington Post reported that Dug is embroiled in an ugly legal battle with BP over claims that he was responsible for the Gulf Oil Spill. He’s been “underground” ever since that story broke, but Behind the Mushroom was given exclusive access for our special;

“For the last time, I told BP that I could dig into the ground and inflate dragons. That’s IT! They can keep pointing the finger at me, but I warned them my dig gun would malfunction underwater. And they blame me for the spill, but won’t let me help with the clean up. Just dig straight down and drop a boulder onto the spill. Easy. And one more thing, my name is not Dug and never has been, it’s Doug, Doug Fitzgerald, got it?"

DBSF tried unsuccessfully to track down the Bad Dudes for the BTM special. The latest rumor on the internet is that the Bad Dudes were arrested with Solid Snake from Metal Gear for trying to break the Unabomber out of a Supermax prison after he appealed for their help in a Soldier of Fortune personal ad. Since we can't interview them, I'd like to discuss something that has always bothered me about the Bad Dudes. We all understand that there has to be some suspended disbelief when viewing videogame intro stories, but the Admiral has always felt the Bad Dudes intro story concept was a little over the top. Let’s explore:

Okay, flattopped dude with a bomber jacket and aviator sunglasses. Check. Two lines of text questioning your manhood and ability to solve a serious international incident with nothing but the tank top on your back. Check.

I mean really? The president has been kidnapped by ninjas? I thought before Al Queda that the Soviets were supposed to be our enemy. And while we did send a few marines to Greneda and Panama in the 80s, the U.S. was not fighting any large scale wars as far as I know. How did this conversation with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Cabinet, and the Vice President go down?

“Can we call the Army? Nope, line was busy. What about the Air Force? Sorry, this is their retreat weekend, nobody wants to miss it. Coast Guard Reserves? I got their voicemail, but I wouldn't hold my breath for a call back.”
“You know what, fuck it. Let's leave the military out of this, they haven't been trained to fight ninjas anyway. Let's forget that we have the power of the most incredible military force in the history of the world at our disposal, let's just find two street thugs and throw down a challenge to them. Yea, fuck it, let's just get some Bad Dudes. All in favor. Aye!! Motion passes.”

And if the intro scene to Bad Dudes wasn’t weird enough, what about the ending scene? I could never beat Bad Dudes because I did not want to spend the 13 quarter investment; those quarters were reserved for killing the New World Order with CDs in Aerosmith’s Revolution X video game. Anyway, apparently this was the ending to Bad Dudes; it includes a blonde post-stroke Reagan look-alike & an inexplicable message;

Is it just me, or is there some inside joke about hamburgers that only the Bad Dudes and the President know about? "Hey, Dudes!! BURGERS!!! LMFAO!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

1 comment:

  1. That Zedla image proves that Link invented the emo one-eye comb over.