Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Top 3 NFL Arrests

After JaMarcus Russell was arrested last week for buying codeine cough syrup, DBSF thought it would be appropriate to review some of the NFL's more ignominious arrests. (Author's note: After coaches, officials, advisers, etc continuously counsel young players on all of the actions that might lead the players to incarceration--real drugs, guns, fighting, underage partiers/ ensuring consensual engagement, smoking blunts, boozing while driving--DBSF would have liked to been privy to the arresting officer explain to JaMarcus just how in the heck possessing cough syrup came to be illegal. DBSF imagines that the phrase "Hol' up, nah, nah, hol' up" was in regular rotation at that discussion.) DBSF's top three . . .

3. Plaxico Burress -- Got 18 months for bringing a gun into a club. How did the police find out Plaxico had a gun? Easy. He accidentally shot himself. Essplain to DBSF how he have to go to jail if he shot his ownself?

2. Jamal Lewis -- Lewis used a cell phone to conduct cocaine transactions. Finding out that he was in trouble for using a cell phone likely induced similar bewilderment in Lewis as the whole cough syrup fiasco did for Russell. This qualifies as a "technicality" incarceration. Whatever that guy ran for like 300 yards one game. (DBSF knows . . . it was against the Browns. So it counts for like 220, still.)

1. Nate Newton-- A month after getting arrested with 213 pounds of marijuana in his van, Newton was arrested with 175 pounds in his van. This arouses four questions for DBSF: (1) Was it the same van? If so, DBSF suggests looking into new van hiding spaces (like not on the back seat). (2) Was he allowed to keep a portion of the first 213 pounds (like 175 or so)? (3) If the answer to #2 is 'no', the individual(s) who supply Newton with an amount of weed equivalent to the weight of an NFL wide receiver might want to hold off on future allocations, or advise him to move in smaller quantities so the said NFL-receiver-size-of-pot doesn't get confiscated in future van drives. (4) Marijuana, like most plants, is leafy, light and, thus, not dense. How was Nate able to condense all that pot so it fit in a van? Are we talking like a Ford Aerostar or Dodge Caravan van? Or something bigger like the Chevy Astrostar or, like a Ford Econoliner?


  1. I told Jamarcus Russell he could confer with the new formed DBSF legal team. Their suggestion was that the chronically obese Jamarcus should say that he didn't know it was codeine syrup, he thought he was buying delicious maple syrup for his 2nd breakfast stack of pancakes.

  2. How does the arrest of Maurice Clarett not make this list? (The last one, in 2006). He had about a million semi automatic weapons and had to be taken down by multiple tasers!!