by: the Admiral
It was a banner week for DBSF fans that have began to drink the MML Kool-Aid. MML gave you 12 money-line winners earning +1078 units along with 3 money-line losers at a cost of -300 units. Our big money maker was Baltimore +215, but all picks can be verified here.
This Week's Total: 12-3, +778 units
Season Total: 20-7, +1054 units
Let’s take a look at the Items of the Week. For those new to the Results Show, the Items of the Week are actually 2 items. The first item is what a douchebag could own right now if he had the foresight and courage to gamble using MMLs picks this week and the second item is an alternative that MML feels he should have purchased instead.
Douchebag Item of the Week
Fantasy Day at the Spa for Douchebags - $775
If you are going to be a douchebag, you should get douched up by the pros. General manager Kevin Federline confirms the Spa for Douchebags has been churning out bros you wish were dead since 2002. The day begins after you put on your ‘best’ low quality, overpriced Ed Hardy brand tank top just as you are picked up by a tricked out Corolla driven by none other than douchebag extraordinaire, the Situation from Jersey Shore. Before entering the Spa for Douchebag’s (SFD) facility you are inspected by security to ensure you meet criteria under the strict, no exceptions, chest wax policy. After you and the Situation wax each other’s chests and then tell each other how awesome you both are you take some complimentary steroids and head to the gym to work up a sweat.
The Admiral has nothing against going to the gym or being fit, but can't condone the douchebag workout which only includes bicep curls and crunches. The crunches so that no matter what situation you are in whether a job interview, church, or a fancy dinner, you can always lift up your shirt and say, ‘bro, need a 6 pack.’ The douchebag only does bicep curls so that they can always wear sleeveless shirts and look down at their biceps, kiss them, and say, ‘FUCKIN’ BEAUTIFUL!’ It’s sort of like the douchebag version of the Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.
Next, you are shuffled off to the tanning beds where you can perfect that perfect shade of orange that can serve as your tool calling card. Now that you have a nice orange base coat you can finish out your day at the Gotti Boys Salon. They will keep you on the cutting edge of douchebag hairstyles. Depending on the type of douchebag you are you could be outfitted with a variety of cuts including the emo combover, the fading but still popular douchebag ponytail, or the Spike. Not all douchebags have the Spike haircut, but all guys with the Spike haircut are douchebags. So with this cut, you will always be admitted to the annual Douchebag Convention at the Jersey Shore.
After cementing your Spike into place you can then get the ultimate douchebag accessory, the pencil thin chinstrap. This is a classic douchebag facial hair look and has its roots traced back as far back as douchebag fossils excavated from 1990s Riverdale dig sites.
After this day of douchery, the SFD guarantees that you can attract the skeeziest girls from such glamorous locales as Staten Island, North Laurel, and Dundalk, while repelling essentially 99.99% of the fairer sex.
Alternate Douchebag Item of the Week
MML recommends you skip Douchebag Spa, and just use the Douchebag Home Regiment. This way you can spend that $800 on a retainer for your lawyer on that statutory rape charge. But without the Gotti Boys Spa, how do you get the perfect pencil thin chin strap. MML recommends you skip it. As a Pop Culture Insider the Admiral is well aware that the pencil thin chin strap is becoming slowly replaced by the 5 o’clock shadow. For douchebags, the 5 oclock shadow is the new black. The Admiral is not even sure when or how the 5 o’clock shadow became so prominent in the Douchebag Community. Back in the day, the 5 o’clock shadow was the centerpiece of the “dirt bag” look, but everywhere you look it is quickly replacing the chin strap on douchebags nationwide (<-----just look at these guys). This takeover of the 5 o’clock shadow is very disconcerting for the Admiral personally. The Admiral has been known to sport a 5 o’clock shadow especially since I can shave for work in the morning and have a 5 o’clock shadow at lunchtime. The douchebag takeover of the 5 o’clock shadow was the final straw that forced the Admiral to grow a mountain-man beard. As retaliation, the Admiral is considering sporting a pencil thin chin strap until my demands are met, and douchebags relinquish the 5 o’clock shadow.