Wednesday, July 28, 2010

MML Results Show - Items of the Week - Week 4

by: the Admiral

This Week’s Results: 6-4, +78 units
Season Total: 33-17, +1134 units

MML gave you 6 money line winners earning +478 units and 4 money line losers at a cost of -400 units. Four weeks of picks, four weeks of profits!! I haven’t seen picks this solid since Biff Tannen brought the U.S. Sports Almanac back to 1955.

Now, the Items of the Week. One item you could buy with this week's profits and my alternate recommendation.

­Item of the Week – $75.00 – Carton of Cigarettes

We’ve been told for years how bad cigarettes are for you, but the truth is that they are one of God’s greatest creations. Plus I just saw a commercial that said only 1 out of 3 people that smoke will eventually die from it. I think this was an attempt to scare people, but as the lead prognosticator for Monday Money Lines this was exciting news. In betting terms this is equal to a +150 money line bet and me likes those odds.

But, as a gambler I know you can’t buck the odds and for every 2 smokers that live, 1 will have to die. I’ve decided that I’m kind of a big deal, so I should live and that leaves 1 dead smoker and 1 live smoker. Here’s how I’ve decided to sort that out.

Smoker that gets to live – The Indignant “I smoke in front of babies” Smoker
People choose to have children, and I guess that is their right. Personally I feel that if you are going to perform the rude and socially irresponsible act of bringing an baby into this world that you should have the common decency to confine them to your home for at least 2 years. No one wants to see your crying baby in a restaurant or taking up half a Metro car with their Lexus stroller. So kudos to that smoker who will smoke in close proximity babies. Babies irritate us, he irritates their lungs; a fairer trade off I can not imagine. If its done just right, he can actually get a baby to cough, and what's more adorable than a baby coughing. So, if I’m going to live, I want this guy to come with me. But, with two smokers alive, someone has to die; I’ve narrowed it down to these two.

Dead Smoker Option 1 of 2 - The “It’s okay, I quit” smoker
We all know these fellow smokers who live their lives on the fence between the joy of smoking and the misery of Nicorette. I have to imagine that the only thing more satisfying than a cigarette is a cigarette that you didn’t have to pay for. So, if 1 out of 3 smokers has to die, I think it should be him.


Dead Smoker Option 2 of 2 - The “Does this look cool?” smoker
This guys is usually leaning against a wall outside a bar or alone in the corner at a party and takes very carefully measured drags of his cigarette, engineered specifically to appear casual. Although the smoker may appear to be staring off into space, they will actually be frantically scanning their peripheral vision trying to ensure someone sees them. If the casual drag is ineffective they usually step it up to one of 3 “does this look cool?” exhales; the super slow out of the nose exhale, the look at me I can blow rings exhale, and the hurricane super strong exaggerated quick exhale.

So, while me and smoker that puts babies in their place step out for a cigarette and decide which of these two guys are going to have to die, let's look at the alternate item for this week.

Alternate Item of the Week - $75 – Tomacco Plant
Why buy one carton, when the tomacco plant is the gift that keeps on giving. I have to admit that this may be a selfish alternate item this week because for me, personally, pasta sauce and nicotine are two of my greatest joys in life. That makes tomacco a bargain at any price.


  1. Having recently quit smoking as of 2 weeks ago, and since you do so well on your weekly money lines, I would like to thank you for condemning me to death. To quote Roy Batty, "I want more life fucker."

  2. drew i'm sorry for your loss.