Thursday, July 8, 2010

At the Movies

by: the Admiral

At the Movies (ATM) is a regular DBSF feature reviewing films currently playing at the multiplex. ATM refuses to actually watch any of the movies we review because of the well documented fact that almost every quality film ever created was released between 1984 & 1987. So how does ATM review movies we refuse to watch? Simple; the critique is based on the plot ATM imagines the movie will have based on the limited information gathered from the title, the movie poster, 2nd hand info, the starring actors, and glimpses of any movie commercials fast forwarded through while watching Family Guy.

The Rating System

  • 1 out of 5 meatballs; Unwatchable; Examples – ‘Showgirls’ starring Jesse Spano.

  • 2 meatballs; Usually unwatchable, unless you’re really hungover – Think ‘Howard the Duck’.

  • 3 meatballs; Still Really bad. Only watchable in a group while making supercilious remarks and continually mocking the film and its actors as if you were in an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 – Imagine ‘Cold as Ice’ starring Vanilla Ice or any movie (besides the Breakfast Club) that Emilio Estevez has ever appeared in. ‘Men at Work’ comes to mind.

  • 4 meatballs; Still a waste of 2 hours of your life, but with one redeeming quality. A 4 meatball film has a handful of hilarious one-liners that the director never intended to be comedic, but that you will joyfully be dropping randomly in normal conversation. Patrick Swayze’s timeless “Right boot!” line from ‘Road House’ fits the bill. Basically any Keanu Reeves or Patrick Swayze movie falls in this category, making ‘Point Break’ the ultimate 4 meatball movie.

  • 5 meatballs; Finally, a movie worth the price of admission. In all but the rarest of circumstances this rating would be reserved for the theatrical re-release of Goonies, Clue, Weird Science, Bloodsport, etc.

Today's Reviews

The Last Airbender in 3D: Due to failure after colossal failure in their endeavor to halt & clean up the massive Gulf oil spill, the brain trust at BP is running out of bad ideas. To date BP has attempted unsuccessfully to deal with the Gulf Oil Spill using the Blowout Preventer, the Top Hat, the Sop & Mop, the Diaper, the Blame Game, the Suck & Blow, and the ShamWow. After studying ‘The Last Airbender’ movie poster, At the Movies has concluded that it’s a documentary created by BP touting their newest last ditch idea to clear the oil out of the Gulf.

1 out of 5 meatballs

Grown Ups: At the movies was initially intrigued by this movie after noticing that it included early 90s SNL favorites the Copy Guy, the Hanukkah guy, the Total Bastard Airlines male stewardess (“buh-bye”), and Nat X. Excitement about the movie was tempered when Chris Rock on a media tour for the movie was quoted saying. “You know what’s funny about white people; not this movie”.

3 out of 5 meatballs

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The Karate Kid: At the Movies was extremely excited when seeing this movie poster. Since the main character is basically a silhouette on the poster ATM had the false impression that this may be just a re-release of the original Karate Kid. The original Karate Kid was released during the 1984-1987 heyday of American cinema and is a slam dunk 5 out of 5 meatballs. Upon closer inspection ATM discovered that Jackie Chan will be playing a 2nd rate Mr. Miyagi and Bananarama is nowhere to be found on the soundtrack. Crushing disappointment barely begins to capture ATM’s current emotional state.

1/2 a meatball out of 5

Winter’s Bone: While At the Movies has no issue with people viewing pornographic films, this is our first time reviewing one. We had to make an exception since ‘Winter’s Bone’ is playing in 2000 theatres nationwide. While the title makes it obvious that this is pornography ATM could’t glean too much about the plot from the poster. BUT, upon closer inspection of the poster it appears that the “Winter’s Bone” is actually the highly luminescent erection being sported by the dude in the middle of the boat.

1 out of 5 meatballs

Robin Hood: Let me guess, an evil and oppressive king making life hell for Russell Crow, a down on his luck, but lovable hero. This formula was made popular by Mel Gibson in Braveheart and the Patriot. When I see this movie poster all I keep hearing is David Spade’s voice in my ear saying, “I liked this movie better the first time I saw it, when it was Gladiator.”

3 out of 5 meatballs

Kites: At the Movies has to admit that having seen no commercials, hearing no rumors, and knowing no actors in this film it was hard for us to invent a plot to review based solely on this movie poster. Through some brief research of the blogosphere ATM has discovered that ‘Kites’ is essentially a Bollywood remake of ‘Dirty Dancing’ with all Indian actors. ATM doesn’t recommend you go out and see this film, but I’ll get it on video just to see the scene where the Indian Patrick Swayze says, “Nobody puts Ali-Babba in the corner.”

1 out of 5 meatballs


  1. man i fuckin LOVE meatballs!!!!

  2. Robin Hood should have received 3.5 meatballs. This is ridiculous and arbitrary. I'm really looking forward to the Friday editions of "Movie Meatballs of the Week"!

  3. You are not aware of a pretty widely known fact; in the Admiral household growing up, Mamma DDFoot was famous for two things; green lasagna on Thanksgiving & meatballs the size of your fist. At the movies uses Mamma DDFoot meatballs, so 3 meatballs is really like 8 meatballs, more than suitable for a fake review of a movie where Russell Crowe is pretending to be Kevin Costner.

  4. Did you say meatballs? Where can I get some meatballs???