Thursday, September 29, 2011

et al

Apparently Lane Kiffin cheated again. In the future--so as to conserve space in print and the ever confined electronic media--journalists should only cover stories when Kiffin commits a legal action. DBSF doesn't need to know that Kiffin violated a rule again--he already makes Rich Rodriguez look like Joe Paterno.

Boston Red Sox lost a baseball game, which was the universe's way of starting to make amends for non-Boston fans being inundated with a grossly disproportionate amount of Boston sports media over the past decade.

Delonte West goes for a gig at Regency Furniture. He should be a solid addition to the team assuming Von Wafer doesn't start working at Regency too.

Guy who throws a banana at Simmonds is "deeply mortified" and "had no idea his actions could be seen as racist". Fruit throwing isn't standard NHL fan-fare; but, targeting the one black guy? The guy who threw the banana should focus just on being mortified and quit contemplating about the possible racial implications of the action.

Eugenio Velez goes 0 for 37 in 2011 out of sympathy for Adam Dunn, who finished the season going 0-23 and as the White Sox all-time single season leader in strikeouts. Dunn achieved further ignominy for destroying Rob Deer's record for the lowest MLB batting average in a season (.179) with an anemic .159. (Of course, Dunn's .159 is grossly skewed by a .128 September and a .136 June. He hit almost .300 in July and August. Check that Dunn hit .145 in July and .155 in August.)

Ben Wallace picks up a DUI and a gun charge (unloaded) in a Detroit suburb. You can trade a mid-1990s Mazda MPV with 150K miles straight-up for a 2,000 sq ft single family three bedroom/ two bath home in Detroit. Ergo, cash is a commodity in The Motor City--$40 definitely covers a chauffeur for the night.

Al Unser Jr collects a drag racing DWI in New Mexico. User error on the arresting officer. If a 49 year old two-time Indy 500 winner decides he's gonna drag race after a case of Keystones and he takes the precaution to conduct such an activity in New Mexico, the state that exists solely because the US needed a testing site for its nuclear weapons during WWII, then you do your darndest to accommodate--not aggravate--Mr. Unser . . . Jr.

Lastly, after going an abysmal 1-4 on last week's NFL odds' predictions DBSF feels it only necessary to call one game to recompense. Saints (-7.5) at the Jaguars: Jag's rookie QB Blaine Gabbert is infinitely fascinated with the theory of relativism, or the belief that there exists no absolute truth, only subjective perceptions. This philosophy proves beneficial for Blaine's mien as concepts like interception and completion blend into 'catch' and forward and backward transform into 'movement'. Unfortunately, such theoretical underpinnings bode poorly for the Jaguars already slim chance to score more than one field goal (much less stand near/ in any pay dirt). Saints by 14. (Remember such confidence means the opposite will happen.)

Monday, September 26, 2011

Vince Young Impersonator. Arrested. Temple Hills.

There's the saying 'no news is good news'. For DBSF it goes 'any Vince Young news is good news'. Whether its his partying shirtless with buds at the club or his coming to the realization that football is less fun when you're getting booed, DBSF tends to gravitate to anything Vince Young-related.

Case and point--last week police arrested a man for impersonating Vince in DBSF's very own Prince Georges County. Based on the police report and the picture of the impersonator, it's reasonable to believe that someone that had seen the real life Vince Young one times or fewer might confuse the two.

While both are approximately 6'5" and 230lbs, Vince Young, like most other NFL back-up QBs and/ or marginally legitimate humans, doesn't hand collect $2,500 checks for charities in Suburban Maryland. Further, although Vince Young's philanthropic work likely uses the internet DBSF is suspicious that Facebook represents the platform by which he organizes his collecting responsibilities. If nothing else DBSF can take solace in knowing that he lives approximately 6 miles north of Temple Hills, and in DBSF's neighborhood its Vince Young impersonator conducts his fraud over the phone not via internet/ face-to-face.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Byfuglien Joins the Cedric Benson BWI Club

Winnipeg Jets (NHL [Hockey {the ice sport}]) D Dustin Byfuglien joined the exclusive organization of professional athletes that have been cited for boating while intoxicated (OPABWI) when according to a report Minnesota police stopped his boat and found that "his eyes were bloodshot and watery, [he was] unsteady on his feet and he smelled of alcohol".



As of this evening the organization consists of just Byfuglien and Cedric Benson, but considering that Benson's jail sentence for beating up an ex-BFF was recently reduced to 5 days, Cedric now has the Bengals week 7 bye week to spend not in a Texas jail but rather potentially getting another BWI. Thus, the organization could increase another 50% in size by the end of the year with the addition of Benson to Byfuglien and Benson. (The existential arithmetic of Cedric Benson existing twice in his own organization, albeit one of BWI'ers, is still being worked out.)



While Benson's citation came at night (which, grant it, driving a boat in the pitch black is virtually impossible without GPS navigation so DBSF assumes ol' Ced fancied 'what harm'll a couple beers do?'), Byfuglien sought to outdo the founding member of OPABWI by supplementing his navigation with muscle relaxants. Right now OPABWI is looking quite reputable but the addition of a Bryant Reeves, or JaMarcus Russell could push it to that Mensa- or 40/40 club-level of prestige.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Week 3 DBSF Betting Line

There's a reason this post represents DBSF's first betting line and why DBSF never bets on non-Project Runway and/ or non-Bad Girls Club-based events. (Season 6 DBSF played a $100 trifecta on 1) the under that three girls would leave the show, 2) that contrary to their seemingly amicable behavior in the ambulance Kori wouldn't accept Nikki's apology for "accidentally" cutting her [Kori], and 3)that Jade would involuntarily leave the show. Without ruining the plot for individuals who have BGC: Season 6 on their Netflix/ Quikster queue Jade's decision to leave the show at her own behest essentially cost DBSF a cool $220.) The reason this is DBSF's first betting line should become evident Monday, September 26, when those with an elementary familiarity with probability (i.e., heads/ tails = 50/50) will recognize that DBSF's predicted outcomes in comparison to the actual outcomes of the games capture the essence of the state of arbitrariness.

Kansas City at San Diego (-14.5)
San Diego should win this game by four TDs, but DBSF is suspicious that after their two previous drubbings and the loss of Jamaal Charles the Chiefs are going to have one of those integrity-check games and push the game into the fourth quarter. San Diego by 10.

New England (-8) at Buffalo
The Bills are 2-0 after a fourth quarter comeback win over the Raiders on Sunday. Week 1 the Bills blew-out the Chiefs by 34. However, week 2 the Lions blew-out the Chiefs by 45, which means in a truly cosmically-balanced universe both the Bills and the Chiefs lost their week one match-up by two or three TDs each. New England by at least 10 but probably 27.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) at Indianapolis
Through two games Colts' QB Kerry Collins has still yet to exhibit that he can appropriately discern between teammates and non-teammates. Colts head coach Jim Caldwell might want to focus on ensuring that Collins fully grasps some of the more mundane aspects of the team, like uniform colors. Assuming Roethlisberger is healthy it should be a 17 point win for the Steelers.

Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns (-2.5)
Warning: wager on this game at your own risk. Its going to be boring. Thirty points total might be scored. It will inevitably come down to a fourth quarter interception or fumble on the losing team's side of the field that sets-up a three-and-out followed by an anti-climactic 38 yard FG to win the game with 2:48 left. Browns win by 2.5. Seriously, don't bet this game. Not because you might lose money; rather the malaise and impending insouciance resulting from simply checking online--let along watching on TV, which deserves its own special 'partake at your own risk' warning--to see if the 10-6 score has changed will likely have profound adverse psychological effects on your most basic perceptions of broad never really consciously considered concepts, like : 1) progress, 2) hope, 3) accumulation, 4) temporal order, and 5) fecundity.

Arizona (-3) at Seattle
The Seahawks are coming off a 24-0 drubbing (exceptionally unnecssary football-bloggery-type word; is 24-0 ever a nail-biter?) against the Steelers, which followed up a 16 point loss to San Fransisco where some how the 49ers figured out how to score 33 points; and, all of the 33 in one game. DBSF likes Kevin Kolb in 'Zona and thinks Pete Carroll has a very et tu Brute? quality to his character (which, grant it, in New England makes for a darn good ball coach). Arizona by 11.

If history is any indicator of the future it is in your best financial interest to take a five game parlay and bet the exact opposite of the aforementioned picks.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Inversive Effect of the NBA Lockout

The Washington Post is reporting that during the lock out Washington Wizards' forward/ center/ XBOX 360er is using the time to expand his leadership role on the team by organizing team workouts at his Maryland home (only two people showed up, neither of the variety to take shots from Andray). This is surprising considering that this is the same Andray who's encountered--what shall we call??--some distractions over the last 6 years. For example there was:

the getting robbed/ shot (definitely not his fault, terrible that it happened, very glad he's okay);

the reckless driving (surely, his fault);

the solicitating (a female cop dressed probably in high trollopista; liability likely depends the frequency of rejection that night at the night club, Grey Goose consumption, and the degree of high trollipness. Like, if we're talking XXL sweatpants and a way over-sized--and over-holed--Max Headroom t-shirt then that's all on you 'Dray);

and, inevitably fighting a fellow 7+ foot teammate (juries out on this one, both strike DBSF as the kind of guy that loses all personal self-control when playing Madden and dominating a friend like 28-3 in the second quarter and the friend gets up and with no warning turns off the XBOX effectively ending the 25 point dominance and establishing some serious concerns about the legitimacy of whether or not the 25 point lead with a whole half left of football justifies a win in the on-going Madden challenge).

And, it's not just the players. The NBA supposedly fined Charlotte Bobcats' owner Michael Jordan $100K (or, what Jordan used to lose betting on one hole of golf to Greg Norman in the 1990's) for commenting on a player, Andrew Bogut (an Australian, so really like 0.75 of a player), which caused issues--from the standpoint of the NBA--over the league's current collective bargaining issues. Interestingly, there were no fines last year for Jordan fraternizing with elite college basketball players and telling them to wear his shoes.

Monday, September 12, 2011

NFL Preseason Week 5: Denver Broncos v. Oakland Raiders

Getting the Monday night 10:15pm EST time slot is the NFL telling you that you're not a top priority. Starting Kyle Orton and Jason Campbell on Monday Night Football in response is you're way of saying that you agree. In most sports, like boxing, performing last suggests that you're the marquee event. DBSF thinks ESPN and the NFL used the same logic for tonight's Broncos and Raiders match-up that leads like Versus or the Outdoor Life Network to run the Compass Bowl on January 7 (Play two terrible teams late in the bowl schedule, rather than early, because later on when fans have fewer options Ball State-Nevada becomes surprisingly interesting.)

Basically, its the idea that you, the viewer, will be jonesing so bad for some football that you'll take inferior product. Just as when the authorities intercept a large supply of opiates and dealers, aka providers, must resort to push inferior, i.e., "cut", goods, which are still purchased because to someone seriously jonesing even 5% heroine/ 95% detergent is better than the old 0%/ 100% ratio, so too are NFL fans jonesing for more product after going on a Thursday to Sunday night NFL bender. Thus, the NFL needn't match up quality opponents, like the Saints or the Eagles late on Monday night. Rather they give fans deeply cut, Middle school pot-dealer quality product in the form of the Raiders vs. the Broncos.

Ironically (or, depressingly) DBSF is a life-long Broncos fan and, thus, not watching the game out of some NFL-opiate dependency but, rather because of sadomasochistic fandom (very modern day Lions/ Clippers/ minority-present Washington sports teams). A few reactions to the last game of week 1 NFL.v2011 . . .

--Denver is facing a 2nd and 23. That's a punting down if DBSF is making the call.

--There appears to be a penalty every 1.4 plays. In most cases that destroys the rhythm of the game. Oddly, it gives the Broncos-Raiders a nice cadence. That's probably the case because it distracts from or out-right eliminates the play of Bronco-Raider football.

--ESPN's football-based programming's (i.e., NCAA Goal Line, NFL Primetime, etc) graphic designs emphasize futuristic large-scale steal operations and some form of molten led or metal moving at an impressive--albeit, in opposition to some of the core tenants of gravity--rate. All in all its some very impressive no nonsense, ultra-masculinity; GWB meets Delta Force meets Camaro-inspired auto shows.

--The fact that Seastian Janikowski is still in the league after 11 or so years just goes to show you that the Polish will kick footballs to support drinking 7 days a week until you stop paying them .

--DBSF is highly suspicious of Raiders' fans who dress up in the Road Warrior gear with face paint and such. These aren't really football fans; its all more of a weekly Renaissance Fair for them.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

DBSF AFC East & West Predictions

AFC East
1. New England Patriots (11-5)
DBSF has a hankering suspicion that the Patriot's decade of success is somehow intimately related to NBC/ CBS/ ESPN/ NFL having a vested interest in there being a perennially dominant team in a major Northeast market.

2. NY Jets (9-7)
The Rex Ryan-Mark Sanchez 'we're super serious but also have fun but football is also bigger than life but really, deep, deep down we're football enthusiasts/ purists so you could never really understand our antics because you're not one of us/ an outsider' is getting Jon Gosselin old. For DBSF's psychosomatic health, DBSF hopes this season signals the Jet's return to 8-8 mediocrity where only people from Long Island care about the team.

3/ 4. Buffalo Bills & Miami Dolphins (combined 11-21)
These two teams really should be combined. One wins five games, the other wins six maybe seven; in the end over the course of 32 games nobody is entertained. They are the masters of three-and-outs, and offenses that regularly flirt with single-digit first down totals in a game. Step-siblings of the Browns and Panthers.

AFC West
1. San Diego Chargers (10-6)
Much like the Cardinals, this record is inflated because the Chargers get to play six games against inferior divisional opponents. A la a the Fed, the NFL tempered the inflation via an out-of-division schedule that includes the Raves, Bears, Patriots, Jets, and Packers.

2. Oakland Raiders (9-7)
A decade of top ten picks has to translate into a winning season at some point. Jason Campbell finished off the season strong, and if for once in his career he's able to get time to throw the ball DBSF thinks he could put up a Matt Hasselbeck career-esque year of low- to mid-20s TDs and high single-digitish interceptions.

3. Kansas City Chiefs (7-9)
For purposes of intergalactic balance and harmony the Kansas City Chiefs cannot have back-to-back winning seasons. (Very yin and yang-type stuff.)

4. Denver Broncos (5-11)
For some reason when reminiscing back to 2009 and all the hype about Josh McDaniels' brilliance, DBSF can't help but to think of Deena's father . . .

Sunday, September 4, 2011

DBSF AFC North & South Predictions

AFC North
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5)
Out of division the Steelers get to play Seattle, San Fran, and Arizona; combine that with playing Cleveland and (most importantly) Cincinnati twice, and assuming occurrences of suspensions/ sexual assaults remain somewhere between 'infrequent' and 'moderate' the Steelers should be in good shape to win the North.

2. Baltimore Ravens (9-7)
Baltimore's 9-7 qualifies as a hedge prediction. They're a twelve or eleven win team, but injuries to certain positions on an aging defense makes them more of a wild card-caliber team. Further, an injury to Joe Flacco puts Tyrod Taylor at the helm, who at Virginia Tech led the 63rd (out of 120) passing offense in FBS last season. Ergo, with no other QBs listed on the Ravens' roster and in the absence of Joe Flacco, 3rd and 9, 12, 16, you name it officially becomes a running down for Coach Harbaugh.

3. Cleveland Browns (6-10)
No analysis or commentary necessary. Cleveland Browns are an inherently 5-11/ 6-10 team with the occassional law-of-large-numbers aberration, like the 10-6 2007 team. Maslow's hierarchy of needs describes how humans seek breathing, food, and water as core essentials of life; if Maslow created a hierarchy of Cleveland Brown needs, going 6-10 would be the buttress keeping the existential structure in place.

4. Cincinnati Bengals (4-12)
Andy Dalton will be way pissed if the Panthers, Broncos, or 49ers fail to out lose the Bengals, and he gets Jimmy Clausen'd by that Andrew Luck pick next year.

AFC South
1. Houston Texans (10-6)
This feels lie picking the Grizzlies or the Raptors to win a division. Much more of a 10-6 by default than anything else. Depending upon how soon Peyton Manning returns from his neck injury this 10-6 could be 9-7.

2. Indianapolis Colts (9-7)
See 'Houston Texans'. Without Peyton Manning the Colts offense has been anemic in the preseason. DBSF does however, look forward to watching Kerry Collins throw for 280 yards, 2 TDs and 5 interceptions each game until Manning returns.

3. Tennessee Titans (6-10)
Seahawks were 7-9 with Matt Hasselbeck last year; DBSF takes off a win to account for Hasselbeck's gradual regression.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)
The NFL's boringest team. Why the Jaguars couldn't have used their first round pick in 2010 (#10 overall) to take Tebow and, thus, mitigate that saboteur Josh McDaniel's pernicious (and lasting) effects on the Broncos is beyond DBSF.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

DBSF NFC East & West Predictions

NFC East
1. Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
If you’re questioning why the Eagles gave Michael Vick a $100M contract after he botched his last nine-figure deal in Atlanta, consider that Vick virtually covered half of that contract alone in his ability to entice elite free agents to sign with the Eagles at Burlington Coat Factory prices (e.g., Nnamdi Asomugha, Cullen Jenkins, etc) and to coerce DeSean Jackson to report to camp despite not receiving the new contract he had been so adamantly demanding. There’s also the fact that prior to his sojourn from football, Vick was the face of the entire league, not just a team. If last season was any indicator (and most importantly, if Vick can stay healthy) this deal will prove to have been a steal for the Eagles.

2. Washington Redskins (9-7)
The Redskins are coming off 10 wins over the past two seasons. Over the off-season, fans’ disillusionment/ Snyder-anathema reached surprise-Justin-Bieber-concert-at-a-Suburban-middle-school levels of hysteria. But, after winning two preseason games and almost winning another (and most importantly exhibiting evidence a dynamic offense), it might as well be January 26, 1992 in Washington.

3. NY Giants (8-8)
The Giants lost to the Panthers in Cam Newton’s first pre-season game. Regardless of the NFL’s current rules, that should adversely affect the Giants’ regular season schedule. (Perhaps they’re first two wins count as ties or something?)

4. Dallas Cowboys (6-10)
Supposedly on July 9, 2009 Tony Romo broke-up with then GF Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday. Since then the Cowboys have gone 19-16 and mid-way through last season Romo broke his clavicle. DBSF isn’t one for superstition, but if this isn’t evidence of a break-up-with-Jessica-Simpson curse he, DBSF (and maybe Tony too, who knows?), doesn’t know what is.

NFC West
1. Arizona Cardinals (9-7)
N.B. Being able to play the Rams, Seahawks, and 49ers a total of 6 times grossly inflates DBSF’s projections for the Cardinals. In most other divisions they’re a 7-9/ 6-10 team. In the NFC North they’re already looking to trade their Andrew Luck pick more multiple first-rounders.

2. St. Louis Rams (8-8)
Probably the team of the future in the NFC West. However, DBSF’s not sold on the WRs and Steven Jackson is just shy of the 2,000 carry mark, which suggests critical RB attributes like ‘explosiveness’ and ‘durability’ become best described as “mercurial” and are often preceded with adjectives like "waning".

3. Seattle Seahawks (5-11)
Tavaris Jackson or Charlie Whitehurst? Amber or Gary? Some binary questions beg a third/ ‘C’ option.

4. San Francisco 49ers (5-11)
San Fran just inked RB Frank Gore to a 3-year $21 million extension. Since his breakout sophomore season in which he ran almost 1,700 yards and 8 TDs, Gore hasn’t run for 1,200 yards in a season. In fact, last year he averaged his fewest yards per carry and tied for his fewest rushing touchdowns in a season. Another such season should prime Gore for a Mike Shanahan backfield. (Seriously, $21M for a guy coming off an 800 yard/ 3 TD season? Share some of that wealth with Clinton Portis; DBSF has to believe there are some serious bar tabs that’ll need paying.)