Thursday, October 28, 2010

Are there Qualifications for having a Manager?

The AP is reporting that Jenn Sterger (likely a former model-cum-cocktail waitress-cum-something internet-bikini related), the woman who allegedly received lewd photos from Brett Favre, is considering talking with the NFL about the incident. (Presumably she has withheld thus far so the name "Jenn Sterger" can trend on Yahoo! for an extra week.)

This of course is non-news as there is no mention of the Kardashian that didn't date Reggie Bush or marry Lamar Odom, nor is there any mention of an anaconda swallowing a villager. But, what stuck out to DBSF is how this news made it to the AP--through Jenn's manager.

So, let DBSF get this straight. Brett Favre throws the old Blackberry down the pants and catches ball and probably 2/3 shaft then forwards said picture and that justifies you having a manager? What if Brett dialed the wrong number by one digit and got some receptionist at Motel 8's cell phone. Does the Motel 8 receptionist need a manager?

Presumably this manager is in it for some financial reward. But, last time DBSF checked a 35 pixel shot of hairy groin isn't pulling top offers on Ebay even if it is the groin of the NFL's most annoying QB.

Marcus Camby: Worst Tattoos in the NBA

Having the worst tattoos in the NBA is an accomplishment. As long as the Denver Nuggets field a team upper necks will be adorned with girlfriend's cursived names and praying hands holding rosary beads. But, if DBSF were to award just one player with the ignominious distinction of the NBA's worst tattoos it would have to be Portland Trailblazers center, Marcus Camby.

On his right arm, Camby has not one but two Japanese letters. Better yet, the top one actually looks like its quasi-tribal-Japanese lettering. And on the left arm--to remind us that he did play JV high school basketball at one point in his life--Camby has the gratuitous first name "Marcus" curling above a (yes) basketball going through the hoop. Just goes to show you that no matter how much money, or professional athletic success one has, there's something undeniably enticing about getting tatt'd up at the Ocean City boardwalk.



Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Semi-Celebrity News Quickie

by: the Admiral

DBSF has learned that after a whirlwind romance that Jo from the Facts of Life and Tory from Saved by the Bell have been wed in a commitment ceremony is San Bernadino, California.

mullets

They wore matching denim shirts and mullets and were joined by a small group of family and friends. Mr. Belding walked Tory down the aisle and Mrs. G did the same for Jo. Jessie Spano & Blair served as co-Maids of Honor, but Al Sharpton is up in arms because neither Lisa Turtle or Tootie were invited.

Brian Bosworth: Back in the Spotlight, kinda

Last week hyper-American Brian Bosworth was back in the news. Although DBSF didn't click on the link, presumably his most recent fame was probably for writing bad checks, possessing files on a hard drive that the Federal Bureau of Investigation has made explicitly clear that no one is to possess, or for steroids. (Actually, yawn, it was about some college player-pro agent connection. If its not about a Jonas brother or a Kardashian, it's just not news to DBSF anymore.)

Now for those unfamiliar with "the Bos" (a DBSF-anointed sobriquet) he was Ronald Reagan/ super-capitalism/ Cold War because nobody else wants to fight us Americano-machismo rolled into one. And then multiplied, and exponentiated, and likely exponentiated another time. He was Horatio Alger on steroids with a mullet.

But, all this is beside the point. Bos's newfound--albeit unwanted--popularity conjured images of cut-off tees and lines running along the side of the head for DBSF. So in honor of Bos DBSF presents a short gallery of, well, a man that makes Jeremy Shockey (as close as the NFL has to a duel MMA and NASCAR champ) look like Tony Parker (a Frenchman married to a non-Kardashian celebrity).

Gay didn't exist in the 80's.




Bos just wants to have fu-un.




My sideburns. Mine are the best. Not yours. Mine.



What do you mean they messed up my lines? Is the mullet still there?



So, Howie Long turned down this role? And Bob Golic too? Whatever. Can I at least keep the earing until they finish post-production?

Monday, October 25, 2010

New Bron Bron Ad



Goin' at Chuck.

Are you as Cold as Ice?

by: the Admiral

Yo! Use this flizzow chart to see if you are as COLD AS ICE!!

test2

ice4

clip_image001[17]

Word to your mutha!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

At the Movies Quickie

by: the Admiral

The concept and rating system for At the Movies can be found here.

_________________________________________________

T-minus 2 weeks until the release of Dreamwork’s much “anticipated” Megamind.

Dreamworks is always lauded for fostering a culture of creativity and originality. I don’t buy it. You can paint the Great Gazoo blue and put Fred on steroids, but any idiot can tell that this is nothing but a blatant rip-off of and old episode of the Flinstones.image

At the Movies Rating: 1 Meatball

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Day That Movies Died

by: the Admiral

Everyone always said that Don McLean’s American Pie was about the death of Buddy Holly & the Big Bopper. I know better, and before the lyrics were changed it was a prophetic ballad written in the 1960s about how no good movie would be made after the 1980-1989 pinnacle of American Cinema. The song narrator is a paperboy reading the awful movies section in the paper and reminiscing about great 80s movies of his childhood. Then he spots a headline about January 1, 1990, the day that movies died.

For those that forget the tune can listen here before reading.

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How those movies used to make me smile.
And I knew when I had the chance,
That I could go and watch Flashdance,
And maybe, I’d be happy for a while.

But Days of Thunder made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Tom Cruise’s first misstep;
Like 21 Jump Street Johhny Depp.
I can’t remember if I cried,
When I said goodbye to the Princess Bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day that movies died.

So bye-bye, Mr. George McFly.
Loved when Swayze danced with Baby,
And every movie with Sly.
And both of the Coreys were in Licensed to Drive,
And no one ever heard of Vanilla Sky.

Do you watch Flavor of Love,
And forget about the Ghostbustas,
Not to mention 3CPO;
Do you believe in Indiana Jones,
And Arnold starring in Commando,
Or Star Trek 4: The Voyage Hoooome.

commando.png image by robhumanick

Well I used to know Keith Sutherland,
Before Flatliners with Kevin Bacon.
What happened to you dude?
Man, I dug you in Footlooooose!!!
Was I the only preteen that was struck,
With the film genius of Uncle Buck,
I knew that life was gonna suck,
The day, that movies died.

I started singin’,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
Lampoon’s Chevy, Once hot Demi,
And the Cobra Kai.
The Breakfast Club and the sequel to Fly,
And especially Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Now for over ten years all the movies have blown,
Eddie Murphy’s fat, and so is Sharon Stone,
That’s not how is used to be.
Before Jerry Stiller starred in the King of Queens,
And livers were eaten with fava beans,
And the best films were all PG-thirrrrteeeeeen.,

Oh, while John Hughes was looking down,
Some jokers stole his movie crown,
Two thumbs are earned,
But no one seems concerned.

Back when the Gremlins and Steve Speilburg’s shark,
Were more fun than an amusement park,
And no one had heard of Marky Mark,
Before, the movies died.

We were singin’,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
Give me Beetljuice, Rain Man,
And Rocky Five,
I love the Lost Boys and Magnum P.I.,
And even Born on the Fourth of July.

Back then Ogre wore a varsity letter,
And Van Damme’s kicks were never better,
Now Eight Mile’s on, and I’ll pass.
The films now are not in Goonie’s class,
Or Bloodsport with its all star cast,
Or Miyagi, up in heaven, kicking aaaaass.

The movies now can not touch Dune,
Private Benjamin or Temple of Doom.
We wished we could romance,
the hot girl from Flashdance!
We even watched The Killing Fields,
Weekend at Bernie’s was the real deal,
And RoboCop was made of steel,
And then, the movies died.

We were singing,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
To the Never Ending Story,
And to Staying Alive,
And they did it all without C.G.I,
But are ten times better than District 9.

When the TriLams won the tricycle race,
Spaceballs was lost in space.
So come on: Rob DeNiro, please be quick,
Come out with a decent flick,
Cause Meet the Parents made me sick.

And 90s flims about coming of age,
Send me into some fits of rage,
No one older than 12,
Could think they’re written well.

And as lame films come out every night,
That make a person want to fight,
I saw they all forgot how to write,
The day, that movies died.

He was singin,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
16 Candles, Bachelor Party,
8 Million Ways to Die,
Obi Wan, Freddy Krueger, and Weird Science say bye,
Today's movies make me want to die.

I met a guy from Porkys 2,
And I asked him for some happy news.
But he just smiled and said watch Blu-Ray.
So I went down to the video store,
Where Erol’s was located years before,
But the man there said Rugged Warehouse was all that staaaayed.

Friday 13th: made children scream,
The Society of Dead Poets dreamed
Not a word was spoken;
The films now all are broken.
And the three movies I admire most:
Breakin’, Big, & anything but Ghost,
They joined Purple Rain for the coast
The day that movies died.

And they were singing,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
Drug Store Cowboy, Croc Dundee,
And Just One of the Guys,
And Feldman and Haim were doing blow every night,
Thinking We’ll be famous til the day that we die.
Famous til the day that we die.

In Loving Memory
Corey Haim
December 23, 1971 – March 10, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Ronnie Lott > Mark Teixeira

The Yankees non-hitting (0-14 in ALCS) first baseman/ $180 million man, Mark Teixeira, is out for the rest of the playoffs after pulling a hamstring last night, in the Yanks 10-3 loss to the Rangers. Teixeira later said that the Grade-2, or moderate, strain was a sign from his body saying "That's it. That's enough."

That's like the time Ronnie Lott lost part of his finger during a game at the end of the 1985 season. Apparently pulling a hammy is far more detrimental to one's participation in athletics than losing an appendige as Lott left the finger on the field and had the nub taped up so he could finish the game. Mark Teixeira is starting to make Albert Haynesworth look like Cal Ripken, Jr.

A Discussion with Levi Johnston

Two months ago Levi Johnston announced that after accomplishing every known aspiration of the entertainment industry he would run for mayor of Wasa . . . Wasi . . Wawa . . Wa, a town in Alaska, it doesn't really matter.

This week Levi announced his Mayoral platform at the hallmark of political media, The View. DBSF was fortunate enough to catch Levi on a chaw break outside the studio and see how the campaign is going.

DBSF: Levi, last time DBSF checked you had unnapologized, after apologizing for unapologizing post an apology for offending the Palin family. Is that right? Two sets of apologies/ unapologies?

Levi: Triple unapologized last time, bra. So like 5 or 6 unapologies to like 2 apologies. But, after the first apology I said "I'm not sorry" in my head. So, it was like "sorry, I'm not sorry".

DBSF: So 6 unapologies to 1.5 apologies.

Levi: Spits. Gives a look that he had little intention of discussing arithmetic today.

DBSF: Now, you're running to be the Mayor of Wasilla on the anti-platform, platform of you don't have a platform. Is this some postmodern, avant garde poke at campaign hysteria? You know where candidates, like start running for office 3 years before an election and promise everything and anything in the process?

Levi: I don't have to tell no one what I'm gonna do, less I tell 'em.

DBSF: And your qualification, according to you, is that you quote, live in town.

Levi: Takes off shirt and starts showing teeth in a threatening manner.

DBSF: Well, DBSF sees you're busy. Perhaps you can tell us what you would do your first day in office--lower taxes, raise salaries for town employees?

Levi: Strike of midnight, I'm takin' the crossbow and the snowmobile out and going Medal of Honor on any cat or raccoon I see prowlin' the streets. Vig-eh-lan-tee justice!

DBSF: You'd make Charles Bronson proud.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Beavers Scouting Report – Containing the Teen Wolf

by: the Admiral

Since the emergence of the Teen Wolf teams have been overwhelmed when facing the Beavers. The Teen Wolf is without a doubt a real talent in the midst of a breakout season, but unless he signs a free agent contract with the Miami Heat I don’t see him winning any championships. Let’s take a look at the scouting report and game plan.

Strengths –

1) Teen Wolf’s vertical leaping ability (Can dunk from a standstill pretty much anywhere inside the 3 point line)

2) Teen Wolf’s perimeter shooting

  • Can hit jumpers all day when left open

3) Balance and general athleticism

Weaknesses -

1) Poor supporting cast

2) Selfish player (tends to not get the other Beavers involved in the flow of the game)

3) Has no left handed dribble to speak of

4) Regularly eschews his amazing vertical leap in favor of an easily blockable 2 handed underhand layup

image

3-Point Defensive Game plan

wolf

1) Ignore Chubby, his love of doughnuts precludes him from making it up the court to be involved in the Beavers’ offense

2) Even though he can be prolific passer, once the Teen Wolf has 10 assists to ensure his quadruple double he does not pass to anyone. Therefore it’s prudent to triple team the wolf.

3) After reviewing hours of tape its painfully obvious that the Teen Wolf is no threat with his left hand. Therefore the triple-team will all focus on his right side either frustrating the Wolf or forcing him to include his inferior supporting cast.

So, just resign yourself to the fact that the Teen Wolf is a freak and will get his; probably 50 points, 10 steals, 10 blocks, and 10 assists to keep his quadruple double streak alive, but if you can limit him to 50 and shut down the rest of the team you have a better than even chance to come out of there with a win.

Discipline and defensive fundamentals are a must; keep your feet moving, keep him in front of you, channel him into traps. While normally very selfish at times the Teen Wolf can be a great heads-up player with good court vision and has the ability to find the open man. If you bring a trapping zone and he is passing, be sure you have solid weak side rotation and your defenders are communicating.

Do keep a hand in his face and respect his quickness (to his right at least). If you play back and give him a step he will usually hit the open jumper, or dunk from a standstill position anywhere inside the 3 point line, often flying over defenders heads, and ending up sitting on top of the backboard with his feet dangling down through the hoop.

Finally, Coach Finstock hates sitting Teen Wolf, but if his star picks up three fouls early, there won't be any other option. So go after him. Follow all of this advice and you’ll see the Beaver Bandwagon is a lot of hype. Follow Coach Finstock’s advice (below) and you’ll see everything else is cream cheese.

“There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese. “

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug


by: the Admiral


Tyrone Biggums on Wheel of Fortune

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Second Coming of Ryan Leaf . . . Inevitably in a Browns Uniform

In a twist of fate exemplifying the apogee of football-fan misanthropy, the Cleveland Browns are rumored to be starting rookie QB Colt McCoy this week against the Steelers.

As if McCoy's pre-season QB Rating of 65 wasn't grounds for permanent clipboard holder--who whenever called on to take snaps to warm-up a back-up center inevitably cannot find his helmet and, thus, is seen on camera scrounging beneath bleachers and around giant cooling fans while some kicker with one leg the size of an anaconda swallowing a villager and the other leg commensurate in size to that of a skinny-jeaned Williamsburg math rocker is bending--single face bar and all--behind the center wondering how this encapsulates "other duties as assigned"--McCoy is going up against the NFL's fourth ranked defense.

DBSF is no odds maker, but if McCoy makes it 60 minutes unconcussed, and Browns' head coach Eric Mangini decides against his best interest of punting on first down then DBSF predicts a Leafian performance circa 1998 (vs KC Chiefs) consisting of 1-15, 4 yards, 0 TDs, and 2 pics. 0.0 QB Rating.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Make Your Own Caption 3

by: the Admiral

A)

  • I got 99 problems, but a fish ain’t one

B)Fullsize

  • Let's see that smug janitor solve this one.

C)Fullsize

  • “Kiss my wrinkled bony ass Truth.com”

D)Fullsize

  • Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

E)Fullsize

  • “Gollum wants it. Gollum needs it. Must have the precious.”

F)Fullsize

  • Not gonna get you a diamond ring,
    That sort of gift don’t mean anything.
    Not gonna get you a fancy car,
    Girl, ya gotta know you’re my shinin’ star.
    Not gonna get you a house in the hills.
    A girl like you needs somethin’ real.
    Wanna get somethin’ from the heart….

    It’s my d*ck in a pan!

G)a

“My leather jacket is longer and your pompadour is inferior to mine. Therefore, I am the leader of Black Shadow.”

(and Christian Laetner), Basketball Hall of Famer???

by: the Admiral

In the summer of 1992 a group of of NBA All Stars (and Christian Laettner) took a summer trip to Barcelona so that Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley could gamble pesetas (or whatever the pre-Euro Spanish currency was) on bullfights, sell Reebox gear, and inspire a 12 year old Pau Gasol to one day play in the NBA. Oh yeah, and one more thing, the amazing effort of these NBA gods (and Christan Laettner) resulted in an 8-0 record, an average victory of 44 points and an Olympic Gold medal for USA Basketball.

This feat was worthy of a gold medal, but it really bothers me that the 1992 Dream Team as a whole was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame this year. Why? The Dream Team is full already full of players that either are, or soon will be, in the Hall of Fame (and Christian Laettner).

“Yes, I’m raising my hand because I have a question. Why is Krissy Laetner here?”

This Dream Team included Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Karl Malone, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, John Stockton, David Robinson, Clyde Drexler, (and Christtian Laetner).

I don’t mind inducting most of these guys into the Hall of Fame twice, once individually and once as part of the team, but I have serious reservations about Laettner’s prolific NBA career of 10 PPG and 2 assists making the cut.

It’s sort of unrelated, but I also wish Bobby Hurley was dead.

We just discussed the why, but now we know how Magic Johnson gave Christian Laettner A.I.D.S.

Allen Iverson Possibly to Play in Turkey, a Country Close to the U.S.

Yahoo! Sports is reporting that Allen Iverson might sign a $2M one-year deal to party in Istanbul for 6 months, to not train for a team that is being sued by the likes of Lonnie "I will interpret laws on firing automatic weapons around the White House however I like" Baxter, and to inevitably get seriously winded after 2.5 trips up and down the court.

But, Iverson, who is now frighteningly close to teetering into the psychic abyss of Stephon Marbury, playing abroad isn't what interests DBSF. Rather, it was the comments of Iverson's business manager that made the story news worthy.

Iverson's business manager, Gary Moore, stated that "We are in very serious negotiations with [Besiktas, the Turkish team]. Istanbul is beautiful from everything we’ve learned. It’s not that far from the U.S., and the competition is good which makes it all attractive." Gary's first three statements in this brief excerpt merit closer attention.

Statement #1: "We are in serious negotiations." Why not? As Lonnie learned, signing a contract to play in Europe isn't the same as getting paid to play in Europe. This ain't the NBA. If Allen ends up with a diesel Peugot with 259K kilometers on it, and a suitcase of Marlboro Reds in place of $700K Euros, he can't say DBSF didn't warn him.

Statement #2: "Istanbul is beautiful from everything we've learned of it." Istanbul is a UNESCO World Heritage site. In principle, Gary is categorically right. But, Gary's use of the verb "learn" suggests uncertainty. It's like he's a NASA scientist describing a suitable amount of carbon on pluto to support the existence of dust.

Statement #3: "It’s not that far from the U.S." Intergalactically speaking, Gary is dead on. But, most globes will show you that Istanbul pretty much sits on the direct opposite side of the world from America. Again, in proximity to Ursa Minor, he is absolutely right. But, if Allen is under the impression that the flight to Istanbul is like the flight from Philadelphia to Memphis he might want to bring one or two more DVDs on the plane.

Fortunately for Iverson if the NBA's two most famous Turkish exports, Hedo Turkoglu and Mehmet Okur, are indicative of the style of play in Turkey then Iverson is in great shape for 3-point-line to 3-point-line shoot first, play defense last basketball.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Ebay Bargains

by: the Admiral

Let’s take a look at some items that piqued my attention and/or confused the hell out of me while browsing the aisles on Ebay.

Three Keith Van Horn Rookie Cards w/ FREE SHIPPING - $0.99

vanhornfinal

How is it that with 1 minute and 22 seconds left that this item has received ZERO bids. We’re talking about Keith Van Horn, the Great White Hope, the heir apparent to Larry Bird for white basketball players everywhere. Plus, FREE SHIPPING? I believe the funniest thing about this listing is that the seller has indicated NO RETURNS ACCEPTED. He is so afraid of the buyer’s remorse you will feel after this 99 cent purchase that you will spend $0.42 on a stamp and $3.00 in Paypal transaction fees just to return it.

My guess is that the seller (Ebay username: NetsUnderachiever) is none other than Keith Van Horn himself looking for one of his six fans so he can knock on their door and ask to sleep on the couch.

Adam Morrison, welcome to your future.

Bloodsport VHS - $1.49, reduced from $1.99

image

I first thought this was a misprint because it did not say $149.00. I know that nobody owns a VCR anymore, but to watch the greatest action film ever made I would buy this VHS, record and Autotune my own audio track, and then play my Autotuned track while I slowly rip out the magnetic tape and hold it up to the sunlight.

People may try to discredit my notion that this is the best action movie ever made, but to their chagrin I would have to warn them that I went through an in depth scientific research project to confirm that this was in deed the case. When I say “In Depth Scientific Research” don’t confuse it with particle physics'; its more in line with the homeless guy that beat Press Your Luck by recording 3 episodes and “cracking” the No Whammy code. Regardless, the conclusion is still sound and the impressive and highly praised thesis resulting from my research will be used by up and coming filmmakers for generations to come. I’m still waiting to hear which scientific journal is going to publish it, but until then, it can be found in its entirety below.

clip_image001

Knight & Day Movie Poster - $2.00knight

While searching for my Cocktail movie poster to add to my Top Gun and Rain Main ones to complete my triumvirate of 80s Tom Cruise movie posters I stumbled on this Knight and Day movie poster for $2.

When exactly did Tom Cruise go from an 80s heavyweight starring in classic films to an insane cult leader dead set on hunting down Kirk Cameron and converting him to Scientology? Plus they pair him up with Cameron Diaz, who 10 years ago with a lot of makeup might have made a good leading lady, but not so much these days. She is so broke-looking these days that the working title of this movie was “There Used to be Something About Mary.”

DIESEL Jeans – Only “Worned” Once - $39.99

jeans

No offense to my readers, but I’ve seen a lot of you, and most won’t see anything strange here, but personally, bad grammar always makes me suspicious. I don’t know if this was just an honest grammatical mistake and should have said ‘WORN once’ or if it was a diabolically genius homophonic mistake and is meant to say ‘WARNED once.’ This ambiguity could cause a future false advertising lawsuit to crash and burn. It gives the seller a perfect out if I’m expecting like-new jeans only to find out they have been WORN hundreds of times, but he only WARNED them once.

“Jeans, don’t fail me now. You’ve been WARNED”

*Wow, that was a bad joke. Those that read it can send reimbursement forms to DBSF Corporate. Just let us know how long it took you to read from the word DIESEL to this point and your hourly rate.*

Batman and Robin (1997) VHS - $0.99

batman and robin

 

Speaking of 80s fixtures that lost their way, what happened to The Lost Boys and Falling Down director Joel Schumaker. I guess his more recent crapfests of 8MM and Phone Booth could have been predicted when he jumped the shark with 1997’s Batman and Robin.

There are exactly 3 guys in the world that think this is a good movie; they are Joel Schumaker (the director), George Clooney (He’s Batman!), and a guy that doesn’t exist. Save your $0.99, here is a compilation of the best 30 seconds of this film.