Friday, April 30, 2010

Santonio Holmes Reinterprets Federal Aviation Security Laws

Santonio has to feel like Dwight Howard in the Magic's first round series against the Bobcats at this point. He gets called out for everything. Starting this off season he gets traded to the Jets for a 5th round pick, which DBSF believes reflects the Steelers concerns over his behavioral problems as Holmes justified a second round or third rounder at least.

So, this week on a flight from Newark to Pittsburgh Holmes got in trouble--yet again--for listening to music on his iPod. Santonio, who in the past has been accused of making wrong decisions with respect to marijuana possession, and domestic violence displayed his revisionist interpretation of airline security laws by wearing his head phones during take off. Holmes failed to remember that such minor, arbitrary crimes are only acceptable if white people commit them.

Fortunately for everyone involved the incident was settled peacefully, and Holmes didn't have to throw glass at anyone.

NCAA Tournament Expands to 68

The NCAA has announced that it will expand it's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams, and add three opening round games. This decision has two implications. First, now fans can watch four games of Lehigh-East Tennessee State quality on Tuesday night rather than the current one game. Thank you NCAA. Lehigh really needs to be on TV. DBSF appreciates the extra opportunity to see premier 6'4" centers in action.

Second, the decision seriously cripples the last four in-last four out debate. Will it now be last one in-last one out? Probably not. The experts at ESPN will likely modify it back to the existing structure. But, what does this all mean for the casual NCAA basketball fan? Not much. Just that UNLV, Minnesota, and St. Mary's are assured a spot in the NCAA tournament.

Kentucky Derby Roundup


Tomorrow 20 horses will run around a dirt circle for two and a half minutes or so, and most likely a white family in flamboyant pastels from the top .000000001th percentile of American wealth will become a little wealthier because their quadruped crossed the finish line first. Similar to NASCAR, yachting, or MMA, DBSF doesn't understand how this qualifies as a sport but the Derby trends every year at this time, and DBSF is never one to ignore the mutterings of the masses so, with that DBSF offers the projected top 10 finish for the 2010 Kentucky Derby:

1. Sidney's Candy
2. Dublin
3. Lookin At Lucky
4. Awesome Act
5. Icebox
6. Paddy O'Prada
7. Noble's Promise
8. Devil May Care
9. Stately Victor
10. Super Saver

Should any of these horses be killed prior to the race for refusing to get into one of those small enclosed racing gates, please move each horse up one and insert at number ten the horse with the next highest odds of winning. Enjoy the race, and watching rich white people get richer.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

What did DBSF ever do to Hanley Ramirez?

DBSF won the lottery pick for second overall pick in his fantasy baseball draft. Prior to this season he never had a pick higher than 6th overall. So, it came as a pleasant surprise knowing that worse case scenario he would get Pujols (very unlikely) or the Florida Marlins' Hanley "the Manley" Ramirez. Hanley, who has two 50 bag seasons, is a 30-30, .330, 100+ run short stop, who's coming off his first 100+ rbi season. What's not to like, right?

But, Hanley "the Manley" seems tainted as he's batting .284 with 2 bags, 2 hrs, and 7 rbis in the first 22 games of this season. This can only mean one thing--DBSF did something to Hanley Ramirez. All of this is speculation, but early indications suggest that DBSF cursed Hanley by also drafting Jorge Cantu (who DBSF had last year and, DBSF knows what you're thinking . . . double curse, and you're right.) Cantu plays 3rd base for the Marlins, which means that DBSF owns the entire right side of the Marlins infield.

To reverse the curse DBSF will spot start 2 Oriole pitchers, and 2 Royal pitchers. Stay tuned for the result.

Febrilliant


A not to be named DBSF reader requested a non-sports post. Always one to accommodate moderately loyal, quasi-interested readers DBSF acquiesces.

When most people think of the greatest marketing campaigns of the last decade, Justin Long and Apple, or LeBron and Nike probably come to mind. (For DBSF female readers replace the LeBron and Nike example with any ad with Robert Pattinson. Literally, any ad. It could be for kleenex, for a mid-sized accounting firms, a public service announcement warning against piracy off the coast of the Horn of Africa, whatever as long as Robert Pattinson is involved.)

But, none of these came close to the best marketing campaign of the 2000s. Do you know what it was? Febreeze. That's right. The stuff you spray on your couch to freshen it up, or on your clothes when you failed to wash them. You probably have a bottle lodged somewhere beneath the passenger's seat in your Corolla right now.

Why Febreeze, you ask? DBSF will oblige. The marketing people for Febreeze actually made us all believe that their spray creates million of microscopic bubbles that are actually mini waste removal vehicles a la a the 1966 film Fantastic Voyage. These vehicles descend upon whatever should have been washed or thrown out on our living room floor, collect the dirt, leave a fresh fragrance, and then transport the dirt to some undetermined location. This last part is what caught DBSF's attention.

Where does the dirt go? How do the little mini waste removal vehicles know where to take it? What if they run out of whatever fuel or energy source they use to descend, collect dirt, and haul it away? Do they just drop, or crash into your carpet or a wall, like a Kamikaze pilot?

It's around this point in DBSF's ambagious rationalizing that he came to the conclusion--Febreeze is just watered down perfume. It's air deodorant. There are no microscopic vessels hauling dirt from the throw blanket on my couch outside. It's just masking the odor, like an agreeable fart.

And, that . . . that's the marketing febrilliance of Febreeze. So, the next time your friend, who has two large German Shepards and a Weimaraner, tells you that it's okay to sit where Molly (the German Shepard that pisses whenever it gets too excited and bites people when they hold eye contact with it for more than three seconds) just pissed because she Febreezed it, you can tell your friend that standing will suffice because you know the truth about the quote [and make the quotation motions with your two fingers] "Febreeze microscopic dirt removers".

(Note: DBSF suggests withholding the latter part on "knowing the truth of the microscopic dirt removers" when discussing such matters with professional colleagues, and potential in-laws. Unless, of course both parties are crazy and likely to be fascinated by into such inanity.)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

JaMarcus Russell--Ryan Leaf: A Comparative Analysis in Ineptitude





With the Oakland Raiders expected to cut JeMarcus Russell after 3 seasons that would make Joey Harrington's career in Detroit look like Drew Brees's career in New Orleans, most analysts are comparing Russell with the Chargers' (and later Cowboys') anti-phenom, Ryan Leaf. Superficially, these two are virtually the same person to DBSF except one is black and has an unhealthy affinity for liquor, and the other is white and has an unhealthy affinity for pain killers. But, DBSF believes these two defensive-back-friendly quarterbacks deserve further analysis for a true understanding of their mutual futility. So here we go:

Overall Pick: JR (1), RL (2)
Seasons played: JR (3), RL (3)
Height: JR (6'6"), RL (6'5")
Weight: JR (260)*, RL (245)
Pass Attempts, Completion, Completion %: JR (680/354/52.1%), RL (655/317/48.4%)
Passing TDs and Interceptions:JR (18, 23), RL (14, 36)
QB Rating: JR (65.2), RL (50.0)
Passing Yards/ Game: JR (131.7), RL (146.6)
Total Rushing Yards & TDs: JR (175, 1), RL (127, 0)
Record as Starting QB: JR (7-18), RL (4-17)

Verdict: They both lose (but JeMarcus Russell by a little less.)

* Rumor has it that Russell got his Oliver Miller on this off-season with the "Petron-and-Take-Out Beach Diet", and is up to 300 olbs.

Tiger Woods likes Nickleback

In today's press conference for the Quail Hollow Championship a reporter asked Tiger if he thought he deserved criticism for going to a rock concert last week. Tiger responded that he had fun seeing Nickleback, and that he really liked the band. Further, he told the reporter that he has several friends in the band. So, he was also going to see friends. This arouses some questions for DBSF, like how many Affliction t-shirts does Tiger have?

Lakers Rout Thunder, Adam Morrison gets in



Perhaps there is no greater indicator that your team is getting killed by the Lakers than when Adam Morrison gets in. Statistically, Morrison is one of the less impressive players in NBA over the last ten years. (For example, 12 blocks in 163 career games for someone who is 6'8" almost requires trying not to play defense and block shots.)

Oddly enough, Game 5 was the second game of the series that Morrison got in. He played in game 4 when the Thunder were routing the Lakers. After playing just 41 games in the last two seasons, there is a lesson to learn from when the 2006 number 3 overall pick gets on the court--things are either going really bad or really well for one team in the NBA.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

LeBron knows talent?

In a recent interview regarding Michael Jordan's acquisition of the Charlotte Bobcats, LeBron announced that he too would be interested in owning a team. (Yawn, you already do. They're called the Cavs.) In the interview (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=AnAVcm1ibabTIwTLBUd3vLa8vLYF?slug=ap-lebron-nbaowner) LeBron goes on to say that "I love the game and I know talent."

Now, DBSF is no LeBron hater. In fact, quite the opposite. But, the one thing that reminds us that Bron Bron is a human being is that he couldn't find talent on a John Calipari team. Let's look back. Was it not James who demanded the likes of Wally Szerbiak, Donyell Marshall, Damon Jones, Drew Gooden, (and the list goes on). And, much of the LeBron as the Matt Millen-of-NBA-GM gets disguised as Danny Ferry trying to appease him to keep Bron Bron in Cleveland after this season. Not hating. Bron Bron's still the best but, only on the court.

What the Capitals have to do to Win Game 7 vs Montreal

So, as not to appear biased in his preference toward sports, DBSF is fulfilling his monthly 4 post quota on "other sports" (i.e., not basketball, football, baseball, or soccer). Having watched at least 5 minutes of half of the first 6 Capitals play off games, and having probably witnessed a total of 100 minutes of actual hockey (professional and collegiate) prior to this Stanley Cup, DBSF's analysis is admittedly qualified. But, hockey is like a mix of lacrosse and soccer on ice with a bunch of polysyllabic names so, DBSF should be able to pass off as sufficiently knowledgeable.

1. Play defense (and goal tend) in the first period: Most Caps fans like to say that the Caps are a 3rd period team. Well, they should focus on becoming a first period team. Of the 18 goals they've given up in the first 6 games, 8 have come in the first period. Further in the three loses they've given up 5 goals on 26 shots in the first period. That means the Canadians are scoring on just under 20% of their shots (see the previous post on top goaltender and subtract 1 from their save percentage for a better understanding of how pathetic this is). And, its not just poor goal tending as Montreal has had too many easy looks at the net (apologies if "looks at the net" violates hockey's lingua franca as some things might get lost in translation from basketballese.)

2. Convert on Powerplays: The Caps can literally only get better in this regard. (Regression to the mean!) They've scored 1 power play goal on 54 shots. For a team that converted over a quarter of their powerplays during the regular season this isn't impressive. It's like having your side struck out in baseball by some utility 3rd basemen in the 14th inning when there are no more real pitchers, or like getting a second DWI while still drunk driving home from the first DWI. Things can only get better.

3. Stars need to step up: In the three loses Ovechkin and Backstrom each have 1 goal and 0 assists, and Semin has 1 assist in the entire series (in a win). DBSF is sure there are other stars on the Capitals but of the three players he can name--which suffices for star power in this blog--these performances have been underwhelming.

Verdict: Caps win comfortably, 4-1 with Alexander the Great leading the charge with 2 points. DTSB must return to his internal struggle over whether or not he will spot start the Brewers #4 pitcher, which will likely result in 3Ks but a plus 8 ERA for the day.

Top 5 Goalies of 1st Round of 2010 Stanley Cup Playoffs

According to the Internet, the Goalie is the individual in hockey who wears the giant shin guards and hangs out by the net. With that information, DBSF feels he has sufficient hockey knowledge to rank the top performers thus far in the first round of the NHL Stanley Cup playoffs.

1. Brian Boucher (Philadelphia)
The Flyers took the series in 5, and Boucher leads first round goalies with a 94% save percentage, and a 1.59 GAA. He only took 134 shots in those five games but he als pitched one shut out. (Or should, that be skated one shut out? Perhaps, crouched on skates one shut out would be more appropriate.)

2. Jaroslav Halak (Montreal)
The great thing about writing is that you don't have to pronounce names like Jaroslav Halak. Against the Capitals, who the Canadian accented analyst on Sportscenter claims to be the most talented offense in the NHL, Halak has stopped 93% of shots on goal and has a 54 and a 47 save game (both of which were wins).

3. Antti Niemi (Chicago)
Leads the first round with 2 shut outs, has a 92% save percentage, and gave up less than 2.2 goals per game in the six game series, which the Blackhawks won.

4. Craig Anderson (Colorado)
Although the Avalanche lost the series in 6, Anderson averaged over 37 saves per game (for a save percentage of 93.3%), had one shut out, and gave up just over 2.6 goals per game. His name is likely too American for him to really succeed as an NHL goalie.

5. Tuuka Rask (Boston)
In a 6 game series, Rask had a 92.7% save percentage, and allowed an average of 2.18 goals per game (both statistics rank him 4th among first round goalies). His picture on Yahoo sports suggests that he likely didn't take well to the ending of Red Dawn.

There it is. Another beautiful example of the first amendment in action--an individual with absolutely no knowledge of his subject matter pontificating as if it were personal experience.

Monday, April 26, 2010

What DBSF has against Jose Theodore

Don't take DBSF for some xenophobe, he welcomes all to America, the land of opportunity, Horatio Alger, etc. But, DBSF draws the line at telling us how to pronounce our names. Case and point--Washington Capitals goalie, Jose Theodore. Like most Washingtonians, DBSF discovered that Washington had a hockey team this spring when the nightly news's spring training review was interrupted to inform us that the Capitals had won the President's Cup (an otherwise esoteric distinction that either validates regular season superiority, or represents a piece of Canadian culture yet to translate to the U.S.)

Well, we discover that we have this team, and on this team--the Capitals--there is a goalie named Jose Theodore. But--stop the record--he pronounces his Jose "Jo-see". Well, I'm sorry but we have something in America DBSF likes to call precedence. Jose Canseco, Jose Valverde, the San Jose State Spartans, and the list goes on. Do you know what these latter Jose's share? A single, established pronunciation for Jose--"Ho-zay". Say it Jo-see. Ho-zay. Hooooo-zaaaay.

NBA's All Me Team

These five guys hold passing in the same regard that most Americans hold Hirohito, or nuclear power plants. In fact, they likely protest the league's "double dribble" rule at each off-season NBA rules meeting. (And, yes they're the kind of guys that make quotation motions with their fingers when saying double dribbling, as if their is something dubious about the rule.) Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with the rule, its just that these shoot-first, pass-lasters feel the rule inhibits them from being able to dribble again, and achieve their manifest destiny--shooting some more.

1. Ricky Davis (G) -- LA Clippers. Davis is a complex psychological being. Although passing induces feelings of nausea in the guard, he does it bi-gamely in order to ensure that teammates will reciprocate and pass the ball to him more often so he can take more ill-advised shots.

2. Stephen Jackson (G) -- Charlotte Bobcats. Ironically, Jackson is the only human being who's thoughts other humans can see. What is he thinking most of the time? "I gotta get my 25 shots."

3. JR Smith (G) -- Denver Nuggets. The Nugget's statistician counts Smith's passes as assists in the team's ledger. That should give you some indication of how the team is encouraging him.

4. Zach Randolph (F) -- Memphis Grizzlies. Randolph doesn't consciously choose not to pass the ball. Rather, he honestly does not know that passing is allowed or a part of basketball.

5. Al Harrington (F) New York Knicks -- He and Stephen Jackson once played together on the Pacers. The offense consisted of one pulling a three, and the other not playing D the next time down out of spite that "he didn't get his".

With these five guys on the floor, their team would have as close to 0 assists in 48 minutes as possible (with of course, the exception of an erroneous entry where the statistician scores an inadvertent deflection or dribble off the shoe to a teammate as a pass.)

DBSF NBA Redraft 2010-2011

Similar to the one-team fantasy basketball league that DBSF manages, participates in, and wins each year to build self-confidence, below represents the top ten picks if all NBA players were thrown into a pool and redrafted. Players current age holds (so no going back to the future to draft Kobe), and factors, like a propensity to become injured are considered. Apologies if DBSF misspells Michael Olokwandi.

1. Lebron
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-9TAoPPgKQ Nothing more needs to be said.

2. Kevin Durant
PG County's own! Not only has he tied up round 1 with the Lakers. But, he did it while being hounded the whole game by Ron Artest. The same Artest, who gave Kobe such fits in the 2009 playoffs that Kobe demanded the Lakers sign him so he didn't have to face Artest for forty minutes a game in the playoffs again. Also, Durant's ppg average has increased by 5 points each season he's played. (This should be particularly impressive considering he averaged 20 ppg his rookie year.)

3. Dwight Howard
He is as close to a superhuman as DBSF has encountered. If DBSF coached an NBA team, he would challenge every loss to the Magic on account of the Magic fielding a cyborg.

4. Deron Williams
Disregard what he's done in the playoffs, and how he lead a depleted Jazz team that shouldn't have had a winning record to the playoffs, but keep in mind that for the third straight season he's averaged a double-double. Further, this year he increased his rebounds by 1 a game to 4.

5. Carmelo Anthony
Showed this year that he's back. His 28 ppg, 6.6 rbg, and 3.2 apg would look much more impressive if it weren't for Lebron.

6. Russell Westbrook
If he gets a jumpshot, his D and lightening fast speed could push him into the top 5.

7. Josh Smith
Smith might not be in your top twenty. But, defense wins championships so he's in DBSFs. Almost 9 rebounds, over 4 assists, 1.5 steals, and 2 blocks per game. Not bad for a power forward who can D up guards.

8. Chris Paul
This would be 5 if DBSF could draft Chris Paul/ Darren Collison. Unfortunately the Census, and the Social Security Administration define them as separate people. If Paul gets healthy he's Westbrook with a little more O, and a little less D. D>O

9.Dwade
Wade falls because of injury concerns, and DBSF's unfaltering belief that Wade needs another star with him to win. (He also has a tendency to take 20 plus shots but not score 20 plus points.)

10. Brandon Roy
It's pronounced "Brandon Wah". He gives you almost twenty, five, and five but he gets the twenty on 16 shots. Not too many guards can do that.

Yes, Patrick "I just don't like playing basketball anymore" O'Bryant would have been number 11.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Top Seven NFL 4th Round Draft Picks--Last 5 Yeas

Tim Tebow getting drafted in the first round was probably the worst thing for the draft's TV ratings as everyone that doesn't have a tattoo and/ or vanity license plate of their favotire NFL team stopped watching after Colt McCoy went off the board. So, for those of you who flipped to the Hills Marathon after the third round history shows that there are some sleepers. Below is DBSF's perfuncorily prepared top 7 4th round picks of the last 5 years. (Note: DBSF has minimal understanding of what makes a good O-line man, besides of course not giving up sacks, so they are disproportionately--read not--underrepresented here.)

1. Brandon Marshall (2006) -- Broncos
Perhaps part of the greatest fourth round drafting in NFL history, Shanahan took Marshall and Elvis Dumervil (see #3) in 2006. Three 100 reception seasons, a 21 catch game, and DBSF's honoree of the most underrated big name receiver in professional football. He could make Tim Tebow look like Matt Hassleback's brother. The one that's married to the woman on The View.

2. Brandon Jacobs (2005) -- Giants
The pick following Marion Barber (see #4) in the 2005 draft, Jacobs has 43 TDs in 5 season, 2 thousand yard seasons, and a career average of 4.4 yards per carry. The drawback? Speaking, and holding on to the football. You can't be perfect.

3. Elmis Dumervil (2006) -- Broncos
Five-foot nuthin', a hundred and nuthin' . . . well he weighs 260 but at 5'11" Dumervil classifies as undersized in the NFL. But, numbers talk. In 4 season he has over 100 tackles, and 42.5 sacks. Last season alone he had 17 sacks, and forced 4 fumbles. That's the kind of season that Dan Snyder writes 9-digit checks for.

4. Kyle Orton (2005) -- Bears
In the last 2 seasons, Orton's thrown 39 TDs, and 24 interceptions. Last season with Denver he peaked with a 86.8 QB rating. He wins games and should probably put up good numbers in 2010 but he'll be limited without Marshall at wide out. In 2011, he'll probably have to watch Tebow spend the first four games of the season throwing Joey Harringtonesque interceptions until Tebow is relegated to Hback for the rest of his career.

5. Marrion Barber (2005) -- Cowboys
Most important statistic--from 2005-2008 Barber averaged over 10 touchdowns per season. He peaked in 2006 with 16.

6. Kerry Rhodes (2005) -- Jets
In 5 season he has over 400 tackles, and 15 interceptions. More importantly, at kerryrhodes.com you can buy Kerry Rhodes mechandise, like a t-shirt that says "Rhodes" on it. Not sure who his marketing team is but DBSF isn't too confident that Kerry Rhodes has achieved the level of eponymy of say Ali, Che, Pele . . .or hell even Wuerffel.

7. Owen Daniels(2006) -- Texans
Fantasy sleeper, meteorology major. My kind of guy. In 5 years, he has over 200 catches and 15 touchdowns, and was added to the pro bowl in 2009.

Why 7? DBSF only knew 8 players drafted in the fourth round in the last 5 years, and 7 is a far more tolerable number than 8.

John Elway > Cal Ripken, Jr. Peace, prosperity, probity.

Tim Toone, Mr. Irrelevant

Most media offer a sentence, or not even that sometime just a phrase to Mr. Irrelevant, the last pick in the NFL draft. Inherently egalitarian in its ways, DBSF is dedicating an entire post to Tim Toone, wide receiver from Weber State.

(Before, we progress DBSF must offer a few qualifying statements. As is to be expected, DBSF never saw Tim play in college. In fact, it was through research for this piece that DBSF learned that Weber State has a football team.)

Tim Toone was selected as 48th pick of the seventh round by the Detroit Lions. A few things stick out about this fact. First, how does the first round have 32 picks, but the seventh has 48. There are still only 32 teams, right? Okay, for DBSF purposes then we will say that Tim Toone was the 16th pick in the 7th and a half round. Second, he was drafted with the last pick to play WR for the Lions. The Lions! They can't draft WRs in the first four picks. DBSF had to do extra research to discover that Toone in fact existed. Lions draft WRs so poorly, DTSB is surprised to learn that they had not accidentally drafted a non-human life form in the 7th round (or 7th and a half).

But I digress, Toone averaged about 20 yards per punt return (that led the nation). DBSF knows that the Big Sky conference isn't the NFLDL/ SEC but, 20 yards per punt return is literally spectacular. Of course, nobody expects that average in the NFL but, being able to cut substantial yardage off punts is crucial in the NFL where field position can be so critical. Toone also averaged almost 7 catches a game, and finished with over 1,100 yard receiving on the season.

Toone might be a long shot to make the league but, if DTSB had to project the success of his career in comparison to other notable Lions' wide receivers from the mid 00's it would fall as follows: 1) Toone, 2) Charles Rogers, 3) Opposing defensive backs, 4) Mike Williams.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Jason Campbell Trade

For a fourth rounder in 2012, it looks like the Raiders got a great deal (apparently they also signed his contract extension for another 2 years so he made out well too). Having watched most of Campbell's games--and many Skins fans will agree--he took a lot of heat for factors he had no control over.

Poor offensive lines, changing O coordinators, and big name but grossly under performing wide receivers plagued him in Washington. It's good to see he'll get a new chance with a talented team (that has been drafting surprisingly well this week). There's a couple talented but unproven wideouts in Oakland and a running back named McFadden, who if healthy could take a lot of pressure off the QB.

As for the Skins, getting a fourth rounder seems fair considering the circumstances. If I were a Skins fan I would not be happy about losing Campbell as a back-up when you have a 34 year old starting QB but, Campbell deserves a shot to start with a new team. He never pointed fingers, or made a fuss in Washington. He just came in, did his job, and took grief from fans because his corp of 5'9" receivers couldn't get open.

Most importantly, what does this mean for JaMarcus Russell? DBSF actually has the inside scoop on this. It means a) that was the easiest non-lottery winning $37 million (or whatever he was paid) earning, b) yes, JaMarcus now you can party 7 nights a week (not that lousy 6 like when you had to play football on Sundays), and C) he should make the most of his time on the 2012-2013 Detroit Lions QB depth chart as that is where over-hyped, under-to-never performing QBs fade away. Being the third string QB on the Lions for these QBs is the football equivalent of the streams salmons swim thousands of miles to eventually die in.

Paul Millsap: Model American

For people who have something against Utah Jazz power forward, Paul Millsap, I have one thing to say: I hate you. I'm nominating him for the prior-to-this-post-nonexistent DBSF model American club. All that guy does is ball. Put him in for ten minutes or the whole game, and he is going to straight fry.

Case and point, last night's win over the Nuggets. Not only are the Jazz without AK-47 but they also lose the Turkish Rasheed Wallace, Mehmet Okur, (they're cousins because they're both seven feet and don't believe that basketball exists inside the three point line, on defense and offense) in game one. Put the Nuggets in the East and they probably make it to the Finals, or the Eastern Conference Finals at the very least. They're that good.

I think many analysts agree that the Nuggets represent a real threat to the Lakers. But, right now because of Paul Millsap, model American, the Nuggets are in danger of not even making it out of the first round. The Jazz are up 2-1 on Millsap's 22 point, 19 board banger. Oh and he went 11 for 14 to get those 22. (So, he's kind of like the anti-Brandon Jennings in that regard.)

But, all season whenever Boozer was (inevitably) out, or there was a need Millsap stepped up big. In clutch time--the playoffs--Millsap is averaging almost 18 points and 11 rebounds.

So, if you like things like freedom of speech, UFC, and highways, and if you don't like things like fascism, male capri pants, or calling soccer 'futbol' vote Paul Millsap for DBSF model American. (Note: resource constraints prevent DTSB from having a functioning voting application. Staying up until midnight to watch the first half of a Jazz playoff game suffices for voting in the mean time. Voters on the West Coast can come up with their own voting methods as the Jazz play at like 7pm there.)

DBSF 2010 NFL Draft Round 2 Analysis

If DBSF hadn't ever seen some of the first round players play, he's seen even less of the second rounders. But, there's the first amendment, so here we go . . .

Round 2
3 Tampa Bay Brian Price DT
I think the Bucs plan on fielding an all defensive tackle team. This is an interesting philosophy. I'm not sure how well it will work in terms of winning but, if they get to play the Raiders, the Browns, and the Rams twice a year I have them at 6-10.

4 Kansas City Dexter McCluster RB
McCluster ways 165 pounds. DBSF weighed 165 pounds in high school. I have to believe that McCluster has a better forty time.

5 Philadelphia Nate Allen S
The Donovan McNabb pick. I believe he's the second South Florida pick so far. That's two to many for South Florida. Welcome to the Special Teams.

7 Tampa Bay Arrelious Benn WR
From DC and didn't go to Terps. DBSF can already tell he doesn't like Benn.

14 NY Giants Linval Joseph DT
DBSF just discovered that East Carolina has a football team so, he hasn't had a chance to catch Joseph in action. Joseph's picture on Yahoo! suggests would kill someone just because he's bored. That's what you want your D tackle to look like. Projection: great pick.

16 Carolina Jimmy Clausen QB
If Steve Smith is still in Carolina I can't see him taking fondly to Clausen missing him on a five and out. And, I don't see Clausen taking fondly to getting yelled at for missing said receiver. Projection: Some of the best QB-WR sideline fights in the last 10 years of the NFL.

18 Kansas City Javier Arenas DB
DBSF actually DID see Arenas play because the NFL Developmental League, or the SEC plays on Saturday nights when DBSF drinks. Great pick, he's small but just knows how to play DB. Playing the Broncos twice a year DBSF expects Arenas to intercept Tebow 7 times in the 6 games they meet before Tebow becomes a mediocre TE.

19 Minnesota Toby Gerhart RB
We've found one! A white RB in the NFL. Doesn't help that he gets on the field to spell Adrian Peterson. A bit of a fall off there.

22 Cincinnati Carlos Dunlap DE
Again because Florida plays in the NFLDL, DBSF has seen him play. Phenomenal pick if he decides to play. If he doesn't, he's like Albert Haynesworth after you give him $100 million.

25 Baltimore Terrence Cody DT
First DT to play at 400lbs? Google Image this guy. He just makes you smile when you look at him.

27 Cleveland Montario Hardesty RB
Awesome pick if it wasn't to the Browns. Do you think the Broncos could trade back Brady Quinn for Hardesty?

28 Seattle Golden Tate WR
Really fast, pretty small. Why not? Sure he could be good in the NFL.

30 New England Brandon Spikes LB
Like this pic. DBSF is going to be pissed if he leads the Pats to more post-season success. His picture on Yahoo! however, suggests that he would be very critical of individuals who frosted their tips or had some generally poor hairstyle.


In conclusion, this analysis . . . no value added. DBSF overnighted the Tebow men's small jersey. Got one in orange too.

Friday, April 23, 2010

NFL 1st Round Analysis

Of the last four times I played tackle football (none of which was organized besides a brief understanding of a time and field) I broke three bones. Thus, this can be classified as unofficial analysis.

1 St. Louis Sam Bradford QB
I feel like the Rams have had a top five pick every season since Warner left. It's almost impossible for a non-Oakland Raiders team to stay so bad for so long. I expect Bradford to succeed. It doesn't hurt that he gets 8 games a year on turf, which only makes fast NFL receivers faster.

2 Detroit Ndamukong Suh DT
He's going to be awesome when he leaves the Lions in 3 or 4 years to play on a surging team that went like 8-8 the year before and peaks just as he gets there.

3 Tampa Bay Gerald McCoy DT
They still have Josh Freeman at QB, correct? Then McCoy (along with the rest of the D) should be looking forward to a lot of field time. I expect him to improve until rookie, and the 75/25 Defense-Offense possession ratio wears on him by week 13.

4 Washington Trent Williams OL
Mike Shanahan will not let Daniel Snyder ruin his team. Case and point--this pick. If Zorn was still coaching the front page of the Post would have Jimmy Clausen with a Skins hat on.

5 Kansas City Eric Berry S
As a Broncos fan I take offense to this pick. Fortunately, Matt Cassel has trouble breaking the 80 yards passing mark in a game.

6 Seattle Russell Okung OL
The only time I ever watched Oklahoma State play was by accident so, sure . . . it can't hurt to protect Charlie Whitehurst.


7 Cleveland Joe Haden CB
Grew up in PG County and didn't go to the Terps. I have little interest in this career.


8 Oakland Rolando McClain LB
Like the pick, but he's going to have that Raider on his helmet. Thanks for coming. Pick up your check and start the 6 year party till your out of the league.


9 Buffalo C.J. Spiller RB
As a freshman I knew Spiller would be a standout. He's probably not going to be an every down back, but speed (and character if you're the Denver Broncos) kills in the NFL. I can't believe this was the Bills biggest need. Sometimes you have to take talent first.

Let's fast forward here a little as most of these guys I've never seen play and, thus, my unofficial assessment is even more unofficial . . .

11 San Francisco Anthony Davis OL
You mean the Broncos couldn't take Tebow here?

12 San Diego Ryan Mathews RB
I believe someone on Sportscenter or in the Newspaper had many positive things to say about him. Maybe it was about CJ Spiller. Regardless I like this pick for the Chargers. Again as a Broncos fan I take offense. Of course, since he played at Fresno State there is zero chance I got a down of his in college.

15 NY Giants Jason Pierre-Paul DE
Whatever happened to all of those awesome D-ends they had? The picture on NFL.com suggests that he's an "instinct" guy.

16 Tennessee Derrick Morgan DE
They always have a good D-line. And this is why. They draft well.

18 Pittsburgh Maurkice Pouncey C
Roethlisberger doesn't need protection. We need protection form him.

22 Denver Demaryius Thomas WR
In YO FACE Dez Bryant! But, Tim Tebow was available here.

24 Dallas Dez Bryant WR
Roy Williams should entertain ideas of new places to practice his profession.

25 Denver Tim Tebow QB
Yes! YES!!! They got him. Steal of the draft. Expert analysis. Character--Excellent, Leadership--Superb, God-fearing--Spectacular, Arm--Subpar for the Canadian Football League, Accuracy--like Danny Wuerfell when he can't find his glove, but most importantly Desire to win--the best. Oh well, guess what? A lot of guys in the NFL want to win. But, they want to win, and can run a 4.4. Whatever, I already ordered by Tebow Broncos jersey from NFL.com. Men's small. It fits better that way.

30 Detroit Jahvid Best RB
Could be a steal this late, but Detroit excels at ruining promising your RBs. He should be somewhere in the AFC North in two years.

Last two guys I never even heard of so let's stop it there . . .

Rookie of the Year -- Plus/ Minus

Most people have some variation of Evans, Curry, and Jennings as the top 3 followed by Collison and Thornton. Looking at wins the advantage goes to Jennings, at offense perhaps to Curry, and overall play to Evans. Based on how Curry finished the season I'd imagine its down to him or Evans. But, plus/ minus provides another perspective. Of the five ROY nominees mentioned the plus/ minus breakdown is as follows:

1. Jennings +124 (4th best on team)
2. Thornton -75 (7th worst on team)
3. Collison - 177 (worst on team)
4. Curry -184 (3rd lowest on team)
5. Evans - 331 (worst on team)

Grant it the argument can be made the Jennings had better pieces around him and Evans played the most minutes (by 200) of any King on a bad team. But, whether you like his 37% shooting and all those 1-8 nights, when Jennings is on the floor his team is in the green.