Monday, April 26, 2010

NBA's All Me Team

These five guys hold passing in the same regard that most Americans hold Hirohito, or nuclear power plants. In fact, they likely protest the league's "double dribble" rule at each off-season NBA rules meeting. (And, yes they're the kind of guys that make quotation motions with their fingers when saying double dribbling, as if their is something dubious about the rule.) Of course, there is nothing inherently wrong with the rule, its just that these shoot-first, pass-lasters feel the rule inhibits them from being able to dribble again, and achieve their manifest destiny--shooting some more.

1. Ricky Davis (G) -- LA Clippers. Davis is a complex psychological being. Although passing induces feelings of nausea in the guard, he does it bi-gamely in order to ensure that teammates will reciprocate and pass the ball to him more often so he can take more ill-advised shots.

2. Stephen Jackson (G) -- Charlotte Bobcats. Ironically, Jackson is the only human being who's thoughts other humans can see. What is he thinking most of the time? "I gotta get my 25 shots."

3. JR Smith (G) -- Denver Nuggets. The Nugget's statistician counts Smith's passes as assists in the team's ledger. That should give you some indication of how the team is encouraging him.

4. Zach Randolph (F) -- Memphis Grizzlies. Randolph doesn't consciously choose not to pass the ball. Rather, he honestly does not know that passing is allowed or a part of basketball.

5. Al Harrington (F) New York Knicks -- He and Stephen Jackson once played together on the Pacers. The offense consisted of one pulling a three, and the other not playing D the next time down out of spite that "he didn't get his".

With these five guys on the floor, their team would have as close to 0 assists in 48 minutes as possible (with of course, the exception of an erroneous entry where the statistician scores an inadvertent deflection or dribble off the shoe to a teammate as a pass.)


  1. HOW U GONNA DO AL AND STEVE LIKE THAT????? accidental assists often referred as "team assists" in statistical categories. much like "team rebounds"