Monday, October 31, 2011

Kobe, Will Smith of the NBA

There's a lot of sports news this last weekend varying from Tim Tebow's just failed fourth quarter comeback against the Lions, the break-up of 'Krim' (celebophile DBSF's couple nickname for Kim K. and Kris H., which never caught on among the TMZ/ Perez Hilton's, but DBSF is convinced that if E! could have only stipulated some 4-hour follow-up post-wedding-celebration celebration so their dating form of marriage could have reached triple figures w/r/t days then DBSF 's sobriquet would have stuck and he would have been eternalized in the etymological annals of the OED for anointing "Krim", but--unfortunately for DBSF--Kim called into the bull pen after 72 days so DBSF will still only be best known for demanding that the NFL take "religiousity" into account in calculating the QB's rating), Jamaal Tinsely announcing that he is entering the NBDL draft in hopes of re-entering the NBA (shoot-first, 33 year old PGs with a career FG % below 40% are so "Krim" [it's DBSF's word, he'll use it how/ when he likes] to NBA exec's), but what deserves the greatest attention was Shaq--in one of those mandatory marketing ploys to stir interest in a forthcoming book--announced that his beef (they're word, DBSF uses it strictly as a noun) with Kobe was based on the solipsism and unfathomable obsession with the self that one would expect, but in a moment of truly genuine self-love--the type that leads Kim K. to don multiple wedding dresses for a 4-hour cable TV wedding thing and stop and catch herself in a moment because you can tell that she has just realized that she can see herself in not just one reflection but a second and maybe even a third reflection so Kim K. now has multiple angles/ views on the beatific vision that Kim K. truly in her heart of hearts believes Kim K. is--Kobe declared to Shaq that he would be a great Laker and in Kobe's words "the Will Smith of the NBA." DBSF learned more about Kobe from that one statement than he did in the 15 seasons of watching him play basketball.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

How was Vince Young Supposed to Know?

News came out this week that the Dallas strip club in which Vince Young exhibited more urgency and exertion fighting bouncers than he ever had on an NFL field is suing the Philadelphia Eagles' back-up/ "Dream Teamer". But, it wasn't until this week that DBSF learned of the basis for Young's intransigence. You see it was all a pretty standard mix-up. Apparently, Young took offense that the club refused to charge $8,000 to his credit card and in recompense provide him with 8,000 one dollar bills.

DBSF assumes it went as follows. After spending most of the morning studying game tapes to figure out how best he could throw for double-digit yards in a game, Young realized that time had escaped him and the bank was going to close before he could withdraw 8,000 of the same currency. (It was that or he finished playing XBox at noon went to the bank where the teller explained that it isn't standard operating procedures for a bank to carry such a quantity of a single currency and, therefore, $8,000 in ones qualifies as a "special request" and such requests demand at least 3 or so days advance notice.)

At the club, Vince tried the ATM but upon realizing that withdrawals could not exceed $300 and that twenties represented the only denomination, he accepted that this approach wouldn't suffice. So, what's left? Of course, one gives the manager his Visa and requests eight thousand of a single currency because if the banks isn't going to have eight thousands ones the only logical other place to carry that denomination en masse would--and logically speaking, this is reasonable--is a strip club, which represents the only commercial industry (save McDonald's and vending machines) where the single dollar bill still possesses any worth. So, was Vince Young really supposed to know that this wasn't a demand that could be met?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Weekend in Review

Allen Iverson will be hosting a basketball tournament in Vegas over a weekend in November. Considering Iverson's supposed gambling and drinking issues the rationale for this location is on par with having a Chris Andersen charity tournament in Bogota or organizing a JaMarcus Russell work-out next to a Robotussin plant.

Tim Tebow led the Broncos to an overtime win and his first as the team's starter this season. At face-value Tebow's 13-27 for 2 TDs and 0 interceptions is somewhat impressive. But, upon further analysis there is grounds for concern considering that on the season Tebow has only completed 4 of 11 passes in the first 3 quarters. There's also the minor issue that it took the Tebow-led offense just over 57 minutes to first score on the Dolphins, which falls in the sports world-realm of having Matt Moore complete two-thirds of his passes with a TD and no pics on you or having a shot blocked by Adam Morrison. (In WR parlance--not being able to break away from Reed Doughty on a fly route.)

Carson Palmer and Kyle Boller combined for a handful of completions, a lot of incompletions and six interceptions. DBSF found it terribly insensitive that Raiders' coach Hue Jackson played Boller for a full half, and compounded the insensitivity by making him throw the ball. Everyone knows that Kyle is on that team for two purposes: 1) to warm-up the back-up center by taking practice snaps when it looks like the starting center might be suffering from cramps or some injury, and 2) to remind team executives that if arm strength was the only determinant of a successful NFL QB then the entire Houston Astros' bullpen would be playing professional football.

After falling behind 7-0 in the first quarter the Colts weren't able to catch back-up with the Saints in the second half and just lost 62-7. Curtis Painter had a very scraggly chicken in a PETA ad thing going, which made the whole viewing experience more disheartening than NFL's Greatest Bloopers reel slapstick funny.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

NFL Week 7 'Suck for Luck' Bride's Maids' Rankings

While other sports media outlets are concerned with power rankings that compare the Packers and the Pats, DBSF is interested in the other side of the continuum. More specifically, a power ranking of ineptitude of teams not quite inept enough to out-lose the field and secure Andrew Luck. (Apparently Karlos Dansby is PO'd at fans, who are cheering the Dolphins to "suck for Luck".) Nothing like going 2-14 to win the rights to Landry Jones who after three years and 40 interceptions presents a sufficient sample size to teams to realize that sans superior receivers and offensive line Jones is a poor man's Jake Plummer. Considering that DBSF sees the Dolphins as a one-win team (which may come this week against the Broncos) the non-power ranking begins with the second worst team, the . . .

#31 St Louis Rams--they give up the third most points and score the fewest. Mathematically speaking that equals 0-6. Extrapolate that 0-6 to a full 16 game season and you get 2-14. Being able to play Arizona and Seattle twice and the Browns once, prevents the Rams from becoming the first team in the history of the NFL to run a two-quarterback offense next year with Bradford and Luck lining up behind center. Or, maybe Bradford lines up behind the center then Luck behind Bradford? DBSF isn't sure how it would all work out but he likes the idea of the double-snap or the play-action snap.

#30 Indianapolis Colts--they get the Panthers once, and the Jaguars twice. DBSF doubts there will be three ties so he assumes the Colts will pull out wins in two of those. Besides offense and defense the only real problem for the Colts is special teams where they average the fewest return yards in the NFL. Considering that the defense gives up all those points and the offense has, shall we say "limitations", the return game is critical to offset any Curtis Painter/ Kerry Collins pic-sixes.

#29 Denver Broncos--what Tim Tebow gives up in the passing game he makes up for in jersey sales and Muscular Christianity. To help Tebow with the passing game, Bronco management traded away leading wide receiver Brandon Lloyd and in his place called up Eron Riley, who played WR at Duke, which DBSF just Googled and discovered had a football program.

#28 Seattle Seahawks--this looks like a good fit for Landry Jones to 11-26 for 136 yards 0 TDs and 2 pics each week. They don't have a quarterback (although a few gentlemen dress-up each week and line up behind the center during games) and head coach Pete Carroll, much like Landry, is at his best when surrounded with superior athletes.

#27 Minnesota Vikings--here's the good thing about the Vikings-they lose close games and have a future hall of famer at QB. But, here's the problem--they've already lost five, and they just benched the future hall of famer for Christian Ponder, an above average ACC QB (damned with faint praise). This latter move is a signal to all NFL veterans that down payments can be made on January's vacation plans and that its now officially okay to go out/ play golf three days a week during the season.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Kyle Boller--A Back-up's Back-up

After breaking his collarbone in Sunday's win over the Browns, it was announced that Oakland Raider's QB Jason Campbell might need season-ending surgery to repair his broken collarbone. Campbell's injury should significantly hamper the Raider's opportunity to win the AFC West. (The Raider's are 4-2 after 6 games; usually after 6 games they're 0-6 and should be 0-7 but the NFL has a rule prohibiting multiple losses assigned to a team for one game regardless of the degree of spectacular futility achieved.)

The injury is tough for Campbell who suffered through years of turmoil with the Redskins only to have recently found stability with the Raiders. But, it's Raider's coach Hue Jackson's comments that piqued DBSF's interests. In response to handing the reigns over to Kyle Boller, Jackson sounds less than enthused. Consider these comments:

“I feel good about Kyle, that’s why he’s here. I know Kyle, I know what Kyle is and what he’s capable of doing. But we’re chasing a championship here. That’s the commitment I’ve made to the organization then I got to make sure that we’re putting championship players out there. Not to say that Kyle’s not. I got to make sure that there’s not somebody out there who can come best fit us that may give us an opportunity.” (First sentence is standard 'small p' political support for the back-up. Theeeennnnnn, he's explicit in his view on Boller's ability to be a Superbowl-caliber QB. Nothing wrong with honesty--Rex Ryan has made such transparency vogue among NFL coaches.)

"“If you’re a quarterback out there and you want to come play for the Raiders give us a call." (Okay, a little too blatant perhaps, but Jackson wants to get the word out there that there is an open competition for a QB on a 4-2 team. Competition is the defining characteristic of our free-market capitalist system--nothing wrong with a little Monday morning Milton Friedman'ing from the old ball coach, DBSF guesses.)

“You just kind of rattle all the trees and see everything that’s out there, what best fits us.” (So, basically Jackson is entertaining the idea of hiring any currently unemployed QB with limited, if any, knowledge of the Raider's system rather than go with Boller, who's been practicing with the team for the last two years?) Now DBSF recognizes that Boller is basically a better looking Derek Anderson (i.e., he's Joey Harrington minus all those starts which allowed teams to recognize just how 'Joey Harrington' Joey Harrington really is), but there has to be something said for head coaches at least feigning support for their back-up QB.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Best Part of NBA Lock-out

NBA TV runs a Saturday night 7pm (and 1am encore) of Teen Wolf.

(Note: Today's truncated version reflects DBSF's travel demands in Distrito Federal.)

Monday, October 10, 2011

Whites to lose their only NFL RB?

For people who still have a Mark Bavaro poster in their room, regularly complain that they can't watch the NBA because of "all the traveling", or don't know why but subconsciously seem to be cheering for Charlie Whitehurst to take Tavaris Jackson's starting QB job despite having zero interest in the Seahawks, Seattle sports, and the Pacific Northwest in general there is troubling news coming out of Cleveland.

Since 1963 the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) has published its 'Red List', which establishes the criteria for identifying the risk of extinction of specifies and subspecies. For the last twenty-five years the white NFL running back has tottered between 'extinct in the wild' and 'extinct', the two gravest classifications for any species concerned with existence. Well, DBSF has learned that the Cleveland Browns and WRB (white running back, yes we typically don't say 'black defensive back' or 'white right tackles' but WRBs are so rare and should be so protected that DBSF has often called for them to be given their own special iridescent jersey a la a QBs during practice to preserve them, WRBs, from excessive hitting during games) Peyton Hillis have reached an impasse in their contract negotiations. Losing Hillis in Cleveland could permanently relegate whites to the role of blocking fullback in the backfield.

Now, DBSF knows what you're thinking--hey, wait, we still have Toby Gehart. Here's the thing. Toby Gerhart doesn't count. He's a Stanford graduate from Los Angeles--he's a statistical anomaly. You see without Hillis--the square-headed, contact-seeking, former Arkansas fullback--WRBs will lose their Wes Welker, the white wide receiver (WWR) whom represents the standard/ comparison for every other white wide receiver. Whether a WWR has Calvin Johnson's physical attributes and ability or Devin Hester's speed and Troy Williamson's hands, if he makes good play he is 'playing just like Wes Welker' if he makes a poor play 'he's playing very un-Welker-like'. If Hillis goes there's no longer a way for football fans to understand the WRB.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

NBA Players Union Meeting -- Casual Attire

When NBA leaders from the players' union convened for a photo-op on Tuesday DBSF took interest in attire. Before addressing each individual player's dress code two facts should be noted. First the meeting is at the Waldorf-Astoria--the luxurious Manhattan hotel where Paris Hilton grew-up and first encountered the adversity that made her the modern-day Horatio Algeresque beacon of American perseverance. Second, the negotiations involve billions of dollar in revenue sharing and affect hundred of professional athletes, thousands of team staffers, and millions of fans. Ipso facto--its a big deal and everyone involved probably shouldn't Eddy Curry the whole affair.

Thus, presentation--in the form of personal attire--is of consequence. Starting from the back right of the picture we see that Matt Bonner and Ben Gordon go coat and tie--very appropriate. Following the back row next comes Paul Pierce, who went with a golf polo t. Paul should've gone button down, or at least not worn the white undershirt but let's assume there was some confusion with luggage and it was all he had. Staying on the back row we end with DWade and LeBron both of whom sport the Euro-fashionista look. Nothing wrong with that, at least LeBron didn't wear one of those heavy wool cardigans with a large "LBJ" embroidered on the chest so every time DBSF sees LeBron he can't understand why LeBron is promoting Lyndon B. Johnson. (Is LeBron a fan of invading Vietnam, urban riots, and/ or manned space exploration?)

Moving to the foreground 'Melo wears a button-down but didn't have time/ desire to tuck-in his shirt. (If that's the case then Carmelo stand in the back behind LeBron--it is a photo op.) Finally--and most inexcusably--Baron Davis goes Biebermania with the fitted flannel shirt, fashionably black, thick-framed glasses, and a wool hat--indoors. Basically, DBSF is all acting like somebody's pinching DBSF's titties because Davis decides to go black-guy-version-of-where's-Waldo when he should have at least stepped it up to business casual.

Monday, October 3, 2011

RoboFavre

DBSF was never a Brett Favre fan. Prior to his alleged indiscretions with the Jets and last season's collapse with the Vikings, Favre was like this Charlton Heston-brand, domestic half-ton pick-up slow-mo carrying some industrial cement apparatus through a mud-filled job site type of American exceptionalist.

But to DBSF Favre was the NFL all-time leader in fumbles and interceptions. And, despite being anointed arguably one of the greatest QBs of all-time he won only one Superbowl. (In fact, in 24 playoff games, Farve was 13-11. Comparatively, Montana was 16-7; Aikman was 11-5; Young was 12-8; Elway was 14-8; Brady is 14-5; and Ben Roethlisberger is 10-3).

Two off-seasons ago some of Favre's luster started to fade when after spending a few months wavering between retirement and returning to the Vikings, Brett went all Heidi Montag and had Vikings' executives and head coach Brad Childress personally pick him up--in the middle of training camp--from a Minneapolis airport to prepare the football world for his return to the sidelines (yet again). Well, in his first season of retirement Favre has taken up announcing college football games and if you wonder why Favre, a superstar QB, didn't jump straight to CBS, Fox, ESPN, or HBO a la a Boomer, Marino or Steve Young . . . well. Watch. Brett. Talk. Good. A few things we learn from the robot that has entered Brett Favre and started manipulating his mandible:

1. Brett possesses a red-cheeked uneasiness, and slight tilt achieved only by downing 8 or 9 shot of Jim Beam during prep (aka the drive to the stadium). During the actual non-drinking prep the production assistant, who's likely got a semester left on her Master's in Digital Communication at Southern Miss and is thus, two months from moving to Boston to live with her boyfriend and never ever have to deal again with such a cretin who [the cretin, aka Favre] spends the entire 5 minutes he happens to show up for prep [again, the non-drinking actual with the staff prep] staring at her boobs while she just tries to get him to memorize the opening line "Well I look forward to it coming back to Hattiesburg" in the event he blanks and the Vicodin-laced Jim Beam starts talking (which, she, the production assistant, knows for a Southern boy such as Brett has an unfortunate tendency to result in opining on what for the sake of brevity and sociocultural sensitivity DBSF will just term 'anachronistic views on American social structures').

2. Around the one minute mark we get the sense that somebody is holding a card with words that Brett is supposed to read out loud. Either there is a period after every word or Brett is having trouble conveying the most generic compliments given to QBs on two 'who cares' football teams.

3. Thank you production assistant for writing that "interceptions' record" joke at the 1:30 mark. It made the entire segment slightly more comfortable than 'enema in an open kiosk at a shopping mall' but still not comfortable enough to surpass 'seeing a grandparent undress'.

4. At about the 1:45 mark the production team recognizes that this is going to be a 'somebody dropped the F-bomb on the air and we didn't catch it with the 7-second delay' long day and the production assistant holds up the sign indicating that Brett is no longer to speak and is instead simply to stare at the camera.