Monday, October 10, 2011

Whites to lose their only NFL RB?

For people who still have a Mark Bavaro poster in their room, regularly complain that they can't watch the NBA because of "all the traveling", or don't know why but subconsciously seem to be cheering for Charlie Whitehurst to take Tavaris Jackson's starting QB job despite having zero interest in the Seahawks, Seattle sports, and the Pacific Northwest in general there is troubling news coming out of Cleveland.

Since 1963 the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) has published its 'Red List', which establishes the criteria for identifying the risk of extinction of specifies and subspecies. For the last twenty-five years the white NFL running back has tottered between 'extinct in the wild' and 'extinct', the two gravest classifications for any species concerned with existence. Well, DBSF has learned that the Cleveland Browns and WRB (white running back, yes we typically don't say 'black defensive back' or 'white right tackles' but WRBs are so rare and should be so protected that DBSF has often called for them to be given their own special iridescent jersey a la a QBs during practice to preserve them, WRBs, from excessive hitting during games) Peyton Hillis have reached an impasse in their contract negotiations. Losing Hillis in Cleveland could permanently relegate whites to the role of blocking fullback in the backfield.

Now, DBSF knows what you're thinking--hey, wait, we still have Toby Gehart. Here's the thing. Toby Gerhart doesn't count. He's a Stanford graduate from Los Angeles--he's a statistical anomaly. You see without Hillis--the square-headed, contact-seeking, former Arkansas fullback--WRBs will lose their Wes Welker, the white wide receiver (WWR) whom represents the standard/ comparison for every other white wide receiver. Whether a WWR has Calvin Johnson's physical attributes and ability or Devin Hester's speed and Troy Williamson's hands, if he makes good play he is 'playing just like Wes Welker' if he makes a poor play 'he's playing very un-Welker-like'. If Hillis goes there's no longer a way for football fans to understand the WRB.

1 comment:

  1. Wes Welker is the best thing to happen to gridiron whites since Cris Collingsworth.