Ebay Bargains

by: the Admiral

Let’s take a look at some items that piqued my attention and/or confused the hell out of me while browsing the aisles on Ebay.

Three Keith Van Horn Rookie Cards w/ FREE SHIPPING - $0.99

How is it that with 1 minute and 22 seconds left that this item has received ZERO bids. We’re talking about Keith Van Horn, the Great White Hope, the heir apparent to Larry Bird for white basketball players everywhere. Plus, FREE SHIPPING? I believe the funniest thing about this listing is that the seller has indicated NO RETURNS ACCEPTED. He is so afraid of the buyer’s remorse you will feel after this 99 cent purchase that you will spend $0.42 on a stamp and $3.00 in Paypal transaction fees just to return it.

My guess is that the seller (Ebay username: NetsUnderachiever) is none other than Keith Van Horn himself looking for one of his six fans so he can knock on their door and ask to sleep on the couch.

Adam Morrison, welcome to your future.

Bloodsport VHS - $1.49, reduced from $1.99

I first thought this was a misprint because it did not say $149.00. I know that nobody owns a VCR anymore, but to watch the greatest action film ever made I would buy this VHS, record and Autotune my own audio track, and then play my Autotuned track while I slowly rip out the magnetic tape and hold it up to the sunlight.

People may try to discredit my notion that this is the best action movie ever made, but to their chagrin I would have to warn them that I went through an in depth scientific research project to confirm that this was in deed the case. When I say “In Depth Scientific Research” don’t confuse it with particle physics'; its more in line with the homeless guy that beat Press Your Luck by recording 3 episodes and “cracking” the No Whammy code. Regardless, the conclusion is still sound and the impressive and highly praised thesis resulting from my research will be used by up and coming filmmakers for generations to come. I’m still waiting to hear which scientific journal is going to publish it, but until then, it can be found in its entirety below.

Knight & Day Movie Poster - $2.00

While searching for my Cocktail movie poster to add to my Top Gun and Rain Main ones to complete my triumvirate of 80s Tom Cruise movie posters I stumbled on this Knight and Day movie poster for $2.

When exactly did Tom Cruise go from an 80s heavyweight starring in classic films to an insane cult leader dead set on hunting down Kirk Cameron and converting him to Scientology? Plus they pair him up with Cameron Diaz, who 10 years ago with a lot of makeup might have made a good leading lady, but not so much these days. She is so broke-looking these days that the working title of this movie was “There Used to be Something About Mary.”

DIESEL Jeans – Only “Worned” Once - $39.99

No offense to my readers, but I’ve seen a lot of you, and most won’t see anything strange here, but personally, bad grammar always makes me suspicious. I don’t know if this was just an honest grammatical mistake and should have said ‘WORN once’ or if it was a diabolically genius homophonic mistake and is meant to say ‘WARNED once.’ This ambiguity could cause a future false advertising lawsuit to crash and burn. It gives the seller a perfect out if I’m expecting like-new jeans only to find out they have been WORN hundreds of times, but he only WARNED them once.

“Jeans, don’t fail me now. You’ve been WARNED”

*Wow, that was a bad joke. Those that read it can send reimbursement forms to DBSF Corporate. Just let us know how long it took you to read from the word DIESEL to this point and your hourly rate.*

Batman and Robin (1997) VHS - $0.99

 

Speaking of 80s fixtures that lost their way, what happened to The Lost Boys and Falling Down director Joel Schumaker. I guess his more recent crapfests of 8MM and Phone Booth could have been predicted when he jumped the shark with 1997’s Batman and Robin.

There are exactly 3 guys in the world that think this is a good movie; they are Joel Schumaker (the director), George Clooney (He’s Batman!), and a guy that doesn’t exist. Save your $0.99, here is a compilation of the best 30 seconds of this film.