Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Awesome Vintage Ads

by: the Admiral

Forget the whole breast milk vs. formula debate, once you get your baby home from the hospital just put them directly on 7-UP. The reason this baby is so happy is that he stashed some Seagrams in his sippy cup and is actually enjoying a 7 and 7.

This was the marketing ploy of the century. Have you ever seen a drug addict’s teeth? I’m sure they have toothaches which just perpetuates to vicious Cocaine Toothache Drops cycle. This just takes you back to a simpler time when cocaine was “For sale by all Druggists”, so you wouldn’t have to make an extra stop after seeing your weed dealer.

The message: Any woman that is willing to drop her standards enough to sleep with you is without a doubt a slut.

The only thing that would improve this ad is if were played on TV with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” in the background.

I didn’t even know you could “store-test” your coffee, but if I find out mine isn’t I will certainly be grabbing my belt and doling out some justice.

Even this baby knows that this ad is irresponsible and evidenced by the “N* please” look on his face.

Pears’ Soap. Now strong enough to clean zombies.

I can just imagine this couple on their 15th anniversary.

-John, I want a divorce.

-Baby, what’s wrong?

-You never blow smoke in my face anymore.

There is nothing more embarrassing than a baby with a 5 month shadow on his face. But who has the time to shave their babies’ faces? Just get the Gillette Safety Razor and let your baby go to town on their face. Sharp blades and babies, what could be safer?

Also, no stropping or honing? I thought the Baby Gillette Safety Razor Mach 3 was the first Baby Death Blade with that feature.

“Mommy, mommy, can I please have rabies from Christmas?” I’m not supporting either product, but I have to think a Darling Pet Monkey complete with mini flannel shirt has to cost more than a raccoon. Plus, you don’t even provide an address for them to mail the raccoon, just your phone number and nearest airport. I think this is the 1950s version of the Nigerian bank scam and goes something like this.


Bobby: Hello.

Baby Rabies Pet Raccoon Unlimited: Hi, is this Bobby?

Bobby: Yes.

BRPRI: Did you order a baby raccoon?

Bobby: Aw shucks yes. I saved for a year. I can’t wait.

BRPRI: Well, your check just cleared. So you can get your baby raccoon now.

Bobby: Great. What now?

BRPRI: I saw some raccoons by the airport. Ride your bike over there and just start looking around. Be careful, they do have sharp teeth, claws, and rabies.

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