Friday, July 9, 2010

Facebook is not my Friend

by: the Admiral

The Admiral after years of strong protest and unimaginable peer pressure has been essentially forced to sign up for Facebook. I’ve put in a good 35 minutes on the site and since DBSF management requires all contributors maintain a web presence I will keep the page open, but I don’t plan on returning often.

However, after my limited exposure to Facebook I do have a list of grievances I would like to discuss.

Suggesting Friends
I have been on Facebook all of 5 minutes when I find that various people have “suggested” about 25 friends to me. The Admiral tried to leave all of his self-esteem issues in grammar school, but this type of behavior gets them boiling up. There are people out there that have no faith in my ability to make my own friends on Facebook; so they are throwing me a proverbial bone. These probably aren’t even their good friends, just the ones they don’t want bothering them on their page anymore. The Admiral has about 8 real friends in real life, 18 more people that I could be friends with if I had the time, and 500 people that could spot my mug shot out of a police photo array. So if I end up with 8 to 26 friends on Facebook instead of 526, so be it. It’s served me well in real life, so stop trying to fix me up with your Facebook leftovers.

Like your Comment Button
I am still new to this, but as far as I can tell, when you like some inane comment someone has made about someone else’s inane comment you are supposed to press the “thumbs up” button letting everyone know that you approve. Is there a Facebook High Council that monitors these thumbs up and thumbs down until your score is low enough to get you thrown off the island? Is this Facebook, or “Lord of the Flies?” The big issue I have with this is that if I make a comment, I will certainly like it. The Admiral puts great care into his dry, sarcastic, demeaning (yet fun-loving) remarks. So this means that every time I make a comment, I have to go back and press the “like this comment” button. I don’t know, it just seems a little unseemly to toot your own horn like that.

The Entire Friending Process
This is actually three separate grievances.

1-The first is this whole mutual friendship nonsense. As far as I can tell, you request somebody be your friend, or vice-versa, and after the other party accepts you have a friendship that would certainly hold up in People’s Court. But, what if I want to be your friend, but I don’t want you to be mine. Don’t lie; we all have at least a few of these in real life, so why not on Facebook. Sure it’s awkward to say, “I’ll be your friend, but I don’t want you to be mine,” but Facebook isn’t going to change the world being so PC.

2-The second is the Facebook friending interview process. It does not exist. What if I want to be a little more rigorous in my friend selection process? In a perfect world I’d like to do a formal Facebook Friending Interview where I ask ; What friendship experience do you have? What strengths do you feel you will bring to my Facebook page? Have you ever told a joke that people have actually laughed at? Could you show me a portfolio of viral videos and email forwards that you have sent to your friends in the last 3 months?
If an interview is not practical, they should at least have to submit a 300 word essay and some references along with their friend request.

3- The third issue I have with the friending process is Friend Chicken. This needs a little explanation. In order to become friends with someone on Facebook one party needs to send the “Friend Request.” The problem is that people want to accept friend requests, not send them out. So it becomes an endless game of Friend Chicken to see who is going to Friend Request whom. There is nothing more embarrassing than sending out a Friend Request and getting rejected, or even worse, receiving no response. Then you are stuck wondering why the guy you bought weed from one time in high school doesn’t want to be your friend?

If you are sending out these Friend Requests then Jerry Seinfeld would tell you that you don’t have “hand” in your friendship. Even if the person accepts your request you will end up in a fight with them 3 years down the road and when you say, “I thought we were friends?” they will respond, “Why because of Facebook, that was a pity friend accept, I hate you.”

Friend requests should be more like speed dating. You make a list of everyone you want to be friends with and submit them to a neutral third party. If there are any matches; BINGO! New Facebook friend. If any friend requests are not reciprocated you will still know the person does not want to be your friend, but at least they can’t hold that shit over your for the rest of your life.


**So anyway, that is the Admiral’s first impression of Facebook. If you liked this post do not forget to give it an “I like your post” thumbs up in the comment section below. And if you want to play Friend Chicken with me, I can be friended at my new Facebook page here.

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