Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Meet the New Boss


by: the Admiral

The death of George Steinbrenner has put in motion a series of events that will change the fabric of Major League Baseball forever. The DBSF Sports Desk has learned that George Steinbrenner was apparently the only dissenting vote against a proposal put forth by multibillionaire Bill Gates at each of the last 5 annual MLB owners’ meetings. The previous 29-1 votes should now receive the unanimous approval required to trigger implementation of the Gates Plan. What is the Gates Plan? In a shocking move making waves throughout the sports community Bill Gates intends to buy all 30 major league teams.

Baseball purists who fear even the smallest most common sense changes to anything in baseball are up in arms. Bill Gates did not do anything to appease their fears when the most radical of his proposed changes were leaked to the DBSF.

This biggest concern is Gates plan to remove all managers and coaches in favor of a technology based alternative where all in-game managerial decisions will be made by fan voting through online or mobile devices. Pitching changes, pitch selection, starting lineups, batting & baserunning signs, intentional walks, and even newly conceived home run dances will all be decided my majority vote submitted to Microsoft servers and fed directly to players. Ratings are expected to skyrocket with this dream development for armchair QBs and fantasy baseball fans everywhere.

If you want Albert Pujols to bunt, he bunts. If you want rotund Prince Fielder to steal a base, he’s got to go for it. If you want someone to hit ARod square in the face with a 90mph fastball, vote away. The business reason for this decision is Gates longtime obsession with creating a product to compete with the iphone. The centerpiece of the new Project Pink will be the mlb in-game managerial voting application. When asked how this whole radical idea got rolling Gates said;

I fucking hate that “I’m a Mac” guy from the commercials. Those commercials suck. Do you know he was in Live Free or Die Hard? That sucked too! Ruined that franchise. And I didn't get rich being oblivious; I know the nerdy guy standing next to him is supposed to be me. Ever since those commercials started airing I’ve been having nightmares and flashbacks to high school. Needless to say, it was an awkward time for me. I'm not taking this lying down; you know what they say, don’t poke a sleeping giant. Maybe the ad wizards that work for Steve Jobs will think twice about comparing the richest man in the world to a loser. I was just going to have them rubbed out, but Melinda made me move my entire 2010 Revenge Killings budget into some 3rd world charity. Bless her heart, but she ruins all my fun.

Award winning documentary filmmaker and fervent baseball fan Ken Burns was reached for comment;

This is a disgrace to a game that is as American as apple pie and as beautiful as Lady Liberty. Baseball is Americana. The game is a microcosm of the national conscienceness and its purity and innocence has brought us together in our darkest hours. No, I’m joking, neither baseball or society has any integrity. They can play the game with Terminator 2 cyborgs for all I care.

Commissioner Bud Selig further commented;

Amen Ken. You think I opposed replay for all those years because I wanted to? Steinbrenner scared the shit out of me. Plus, the Brewers are worth less than a single Starbucks franchise without the Yankees revenue sharing money. Hopefully Bill keeps me on as commissioner. If he does we can move forward with my plans for selling ad space on the uniforms and bases, WWF-style on base antics, on-site paramutual betting… the possibilities are endless. And if we can’t get steroids back while at the same time not making me look bad we will be eliminating the outfield in favor of 95 foot fences and titanium bats. Chicks dig the long ball. Plus, I can stop getting calls from all these pussies about how the maple bats splinter.

I don't know about you all, but the Admiral is pre-ordering his Project Pink smartphone today. I am concerned that it is running on Windows 3.1 & Internet Explorer 2 platforms and am a little turned off by the fact that it does not have text messaging, does not play mp3s, and has no apps outside the MLB in-game manager function. It actually doesn't even work as a cell phone and Microsoft refuses to comment on the reported security gaps. They deny there is an issue, but when the beta version was tested they denied that Southeast Asian hackers were responsible for the Yankees starting pitching staff becoming Hideo Nomo, Chan Ho Park, Ichiro Suzuki, Piston Honda from Mike Tyson's punchout, and hot dog eating champion Kobyashi.

No comments:

Post a Comment