Tuesday, July 6, 2010

NBA All "Maaah, I Thought You Says I be Gettin Pay One More Season . . ." Team

Athletes, like the rest of us, are susceptible to financial issues. More specifically, these issues consist of accruing expenditures/ outlays that exceed revenue/ income. For athletes in sports that have contracts consisting of large amounts of non-guaranteed money DBSF can see how this problem occurs. If an athlete signs a contract for $5 million then gets injured and paid only $1 million because he failed to meet some playing quota it's understandable that he might fail to grasp the intricacies of the contract (especially with an inept or unscrupulous agent) and spend in line with the non-guaranteed amount.

NBA players, however, receive virtually guaranteed money. That's why players like Penny Hardaway with the Suns or Tim Thomas with the Bulls would make over $15 million a season while not playing any basketball (or in Hardaway's case playing while adversely affecting the chances of his team winning). Even if NBA players fail to understand the most elementary components of personal financial management (a course is now required for all rookies), every NBA player understands addition and subtraction (i.e., for each basket add one, two, or three points to the scoreboard, if we lose 100-94 we lost by 6, etc.). Thus, they possess the arithmetic tools necessary to conceptualize the erroneous logic of expenditure > revenue. With that in mind DBSF presents his all "Maaah, I Thought You Says I be Gettin Pay One More Season . . ." Team.

Point Guard:
Kenny Anderson--Anderson (who is one of DBSF's all-time favorite college basketball players) lost more than the $63 million he earned in the League on standard NBA player expenditures: family, real estate, and bad investments. DBSF remembers Anderson getting interviewed on Howard Stern a few years back and saying that he spent something like $50K a year on auto insurance for his 10+ cars. That amount's equivalent to a teacher's salary or a hand of black jack for Michael Jordan. Free advice from DBSF for those with Anderson's predilection for budgetary allocations--purchasing luxury Las Vegas condos circa 2007 had a better return on investment than car insurance.

Shooting Guard:
Scottie Pippen--(DBSF knows . . .actually a small forward, but if you looked at the long list of eligible small forwards, and the small group of shooting guards [rumor has it that Kyle Korver spends $45K a week on Pogs and is quoted in last month's Christian Science Monitor as saying "Pogs are the next Internet . . . times the hysteria of the Atkins Diet fad"] you'd understand.) Apparently Pippen has lost over $27M in poor investments. Advice for Scottie: don't hire a financial planner if you have to pick him up and drive him to your meetings at the local public library.

Small Forward:
Vin Baker--Baker had to foreclose on a $2.95M home back in 2008 even though he had earned almost $90M during his playing days. Baker, who battled issues with alcohol, squandered the vast majority of his money serving as the primary investor for milk beer (never made it to market), and for the pre-mixed Jack and Coke in a can (never should have made it to market).

Power Forward:
Antoine Walker--Walker actually made over 9-figures in the NBA, but got in trouble after writing a bad check for $1M to a Vegas casino last year. Whatever. Antoine Walker lost all his dough gambling. But, since when in the heck did Vegas start comping people up to a Mil in exchange for a check to be written later? Vegas is the only place in the world where you can refinance your house (at less than desirable rates, grant it) to a financial assistant in a thong and bunny ears at 5:10 am while black out drunk. But, the key in this later scenario is collateral--the house. You mean to tell DBSF that a degenerate gambler's word of being able to cover his losses with a check will now suffice? Advice to Vegas: If this is the case then up your check bouncing fee from $35 to mid-five figures.

Eddy Curry--Curry, who has made close to $60M in his career, stole* $10M from the Knicks last season, and is on the books to steal another $10M next season. Despite his current fortune (at the Knicks' misfortune) Curry is in debt. A leading cause--taking out a loan with a meager 85% interest rate. Now DBSF has already touched on how Curry's interpretation of financial planning would make a formerly famous child actor cringe, but much like his spectacular inefficacy on the court, Curry's ability to find such a usurious interest rate demands considerable effort. If DBSF is not mistaken, Congress has passed legislation capping what places, like the Money Store or any other corner check cashing store (which represent only the most exploitative institutions of the poor) can charge. And, those interest rate limits are something like 30-40%. Therefor, Eddy Curry might be the only player in the NBA who would be better served having his high school AAU coach serve as his financial planner.

*Stole in the since that he received an eight figure salary to play less than 60 minutes the entire season, and shoot 38% from the floor. Such a low FG percentage requires effort for a big man who has little offense outside garbage dunks.

(Author's note: This SI article elaborates--more seriously--on the financial downfall of pro athletes in all major sports. If you prefer saving 30 minutes and not reading it, there are three important points for pro athletes: (1) don't hire your cousin or AAU coach as your financial consultant or manager, (2) don't get married sans-prenup, and (3) the financial outcome of intercourse is perfectly indirectly related to the pleasure of the act of intercourse.)


  1. I have a hard time believing Vin Baker is in the red when I just saw him at the final table at the World Series of Dice.

  2. You left out Derrick Coleman and DJ Shawn Kemp. These savvy vets set the tone for the many dickfaces to come.

  3. The SI article says that Kemp is known to have "at least 7 kids with 6 women". Did SI really have to do a man like that and qualify it with 'at least'?