Monday, July 26, 2010

Monday Money Lines - July 26

by: the Admiral

I am sitting here in the dark with no air conditioning blogging by candlelight because of the area-wide power outage. I know that the MML faithful have bills to pay so for you I am willing to write here on my Zach Morris-esque dinosaur telephone where just typing ‘MONDAY MONEY LINES’ consists of the following 35+ keystrokes


Evenings like this I derive strength from continually reciting the compulsive gamblers’ creed, “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of losing a 4 game parlay on a blown save in the 9th inning stays these gamblers from the swift depletion of their ATM card balance."

Even though MML picks have consistently been profitable and not using them for gambling is tantamount to flushing money down the toilet, the legal team insists that I remind you that the Monday Money Lines feature is for recreational purposes only. They do however remind me that this depends on what your definition of “is” is. Before getting to the picks, let’s look at the biggest story coming off the baseball news wire this week.

Facial Hair Signals Landmark Event in MLB History

I, along with millions of other viewers, tuned in expecting to see an ordinary Minnesota Twins baseball game but instead was witness to a piece of baseball history. Surprisingly, Carl Pavano shocked the world by taking the mound in the bottom of the 1st inning sporting the above-photographed moustache. Before the end of the 1st inning the TV announcers cleared up the lingering questions on everyone’s mind; They confirmed that Pavano was neither a member of law enforcement nor had any plans to act in pornographic movies and the implication was clear.

Carl Pavano, in a move reminiscent of Jackie Robinson breaking the baseball color barrier, has bravely decided to be the first gay professional athlete to come out of the closet while still on an active major league roster.

I personally would like to applaud Pavano for having the guts to make this historic move. Homophobia has diminished in society as a whole over the past few decades, but to be openly gay in the macho testosterone-filled confines of a major league locker room makes him a bold and admiral pioneer.

Reverberations of this move will be felt now and for generations to come. Many expect Pavano’s actions will pave the way for similar pronouncements by Alex Rodriguez, Jason Giambi, & Derek Jeter, the three remaining members of what the media has dubbed “the Gay 4”, players who despite widespread knowledge of their homosexuality have refused to come out of the closet.

When I caught up with Pavano to express my congratulations and find out if he would be calling a press conference to make an official announcement or just let the moustache speak for itself I received a puzzling response: “I haven’t officially announced that I’m gay because I’m not. I’m 100% straight. You can’t automatically assume that anyone with a thick moustache who is not a cop or a porn star is gay.”

After informing Pavano that in actuality those facts absolutely do indicate that he is gay he only mustered a less than believable, “Oh, well I was not aware of that.”

I’m not sure who Pavano thinks he is fooling. That moustache will be pitching in front of 35,000 fans every time he plays. The only explanation I can imagine is that he is in negotiations with ESPN to make the official announcement during a one hour Lebron-style TV special. Regardless of when the official announcement is made, the moustache is confirmation enough for me, and I for one would again like to commend Pavano for this groundbreaking revelation.


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