Saturday, July 3, 2010
BP's Response to Dawn Oil Spill Commercial
Riiingg, riiiinnnnggg, riinnnnnggggg.
David, CEO of Dawn Soap Corp.: Carla? Carla? Caaaaarrrrrlllaaaa? You gonna get that? What the he . . [picks up phone] hello this is David.
Karl, Director of Marketing for BP: David, hi this Karl at BP.
David (Dawn): Oh, oh, uh hi Karl. So, what's new?
Karl (BP): David, don't bologna me here. You know what's going on.
David (Dawn): Yeah, the oil spill. In the Gulf, right? Yeah I heard about that.
Karl (BP): That's not what I'm talking about. Well, it is. But, I want to talk with you about why in the flap-jack Dawn is capitalizing on people's misfortune. On BP's misfortune. Terrible, terrible accident you know?
David (Dawn): Look, Karl. The recession has hit everyone hard. Dawn included. People are passing up commercial soap for generic and store brands. In 2008 alone our profits dropped 40%. We were down another 10% in O-nine.
Karl (BP): Great jamma-ma-mamma!
David (Dawn): Jamma-ma-who-what?
Karl (BP): The wife, well the wife and the psychiatrist want me to cut back on the swearing. Have to use substitutes. It's stressful here at BP. Oil spill and all. And the Americans, get out of town, they hate us. They hate everything BP. Except for the oil we ship 'em, of course. We offered twice what Fedex said it would pay to be the lead sponsor at the US Open, and the Open officials wouldn't even return our calls.
David (Dawn): Look, Karl. I'm sorry but, this is strategic. It's business. You know the game? Let the market and the consumer drive the direction of the company? Huh? Dawn Corp. saw an opportunity and we jumped on it. Old fashioned, capitalism, huh?
Karl (BP): Okay, okay whatever. I get it. But did you have to use baby ducks and the little otters? Are there even ducks in the Gulf?
David (Dawn): You know I don't know. We got them from the pond outside HQ. Funny thing is we couldn't get oil . . . I mean nobody wanted to drive down to Pep Boys to get some Valvoline. So we just spray painted those little suckers. I think only one or two lived. Had to take a whole family of ducklings for that shoot, the mother duck was sooo . . .
Karl (BP): You couldn't use some God-awful pelican? Those things have those waddles that just scream the detestable wealthy, old, fat Republican.
David (Dawn): Hard as hell to catch a pelican Karl. You just throw a bed sheet out you can nab 8, 10 ducklings. Hell, as many as there are in front of you.
Karl (BP): Look we didn't say anything back in '84 when that shipment of Dawn crashed off Nova Scotia and sent 20 billion gallons of soap into the Atlantic. You wiped-out the entire species of the Nova Scotian Sea Owl.
David (Dawn): That sea owl looked like a Got-dang winged raccoon on speed. It was like the flying monkeys out of Wizard of Oz or something. A real terror.
Karl (BP): . . . [investigates cuticles, signs a piece of paper and hands it to an assistant]
David (Dawn): Heck, I wish we had Youtube then. That mass of bubbles encroaching on Nova Scotia. Damn magic. Hollywood alone would have paid us millions for that. Some Disney flick about a magic fun blob of bubbles, I can just picture it . . .
Karl (BP): Fine, fine. Look, I gotta get back to work. I see you're gonna be no help. The Americans want to cut our dicks off and feed them to a barracuda. The President actually said that.
David (Dawn): I thought you weren't swearing.
Karl (BP): Dick's not a swear, is it?