Thursday, July 15, 2010

Top Four Man-Cries

DBSF is unashamed to acknowledge that it usually takes little more than a liter of Evan Williams, and an off look from a stranger, or a John Elway tribute to invoke in him a visceral, impassioned, 'I-don't know-who-the-F-this-guy-is' cry. DBSF means red-eyes, snot drooling off the chin collecting in some t-shirt crevice, uncontrollable seizuring cry. (Nothing that can be played off as debris in the eye, or an allergic reaction.) And, DBSF appreciates other men who are prone to such whimpering sobs. As such he would like to recognize his 'Top Four Man-Cries':

Number 4: The Classic
Most people get caught up in the latter criers Chewbaca scream. But, DBSF thinks the initial "but I still love you" cry reeks of only the most admirable patheticness. Sir, what ever street cred you had is now gone. Now get behind Clay Aiken in the Street Cred Re-Up Line.

Number 3: The I Want My Career Back Cry (fast forward to about 4:45)
DBSF wants to know: How you gonna try to capitalize on MJ like that, Chris (or, Chryis?)? You know those women that the camera panned to and showed them cheering were like, "Don't show me cheering for that bamma. All bitten' women and sh*t." Chris might just want to accept that Double Mint gum was the pinnacle of his career . . . but, if he wants to win back DBSF, a career of Chris Brown crying tributes (maybe, Freddie Mercury or a Sublime cover) will recapture one non-fan. For sure.

Number 2: The I Love Tony Romo Cry
TO makes Dick Vermeil look like Mike Ditka. Another memorable breakdown occurred after a playoff game winning touch down catch when he was with the 49ers. DBSF withheld that one because TO gets so blubbering and nonsensical that the clip is almost car-crash inappropriate to watch. In this clip, TO loses points for attempting to cover up the water works with sun glasses. As a proud man-crier, this represents a most abominable offense to DBSF.

Number 1: The 'Get It Together' Cry
Even for DBSF, an unabashed lover of crying, Adam Morrison is pathetic here. After losing to UCLA in a game that his over-hyped mid-major, Gonzaga, should have lost, Morrison collapses into a fetal-like position and appears to sob while attempting to felate himself. DBSF remembers seeing this live and thinking 'this right here, this young man's crying, takes basketball back 10 years'. Morrison proceeds to then cast himself prostrate and make the 18,000 plus people in attendance indescribably uncomfortable.

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