Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Stand Inside Your Hate

*Before beginning this post, the Admiral has spoken to the DBSF legal team and they’ve recommended we neither confirm or deny the reports that he and his cohorts were the gentlemen mentioned in the Baltimore Sun review of last night’s Smashing Pumpkins show.

“Something must have been in the air, because the crowd was feeling feisty. A few guys in the back were hurling obscenities and weird, funny heckles, and when Corgan paused in the middle of "Bullet With Butterfly Wings," the audience started booing.”

The love-hate relationship between Corgan and his fans and former fans does not appear to have improved since Viper Bayly’s heckling caused the 2008 DAR show to be interrupted. Now, on to the post.

The Admiral is pretty sure that all of the estimated 6 DBSF readers graduated from high school during the 1990s. As a result you were smack dab in the middle of the Generation X grunge movement. One of the bands at the forefront of this movement was the Smashing Pumpkins. Last night the Admiral foolishly went to see “the Smashing Pumpkins” at Ramshead Live. The quotation marks are because this was a pale imitation of the Smashing Pumpkins, and the marquee should have read the Mo Sizlack Experience featuring Billy Corgan. Sans Chamberlin, Iha, and Darcy it was the most tepid, unraucous rock show the Admiral has ever attended, and at $55 was a borderline disgrace. The Mo Sizlack Experience featuring Billy Corgan did meekly played Hummer, Disarm, and 13 bad songs that resulted in 13 cigarette breaks. Because of this the Admiral is not going to review the actual show, but instead review the entire experience.

First off, the audience. Billy, I think the first clue that you have not made relevant music in almost 2 decades is that the youngest person I saw in the audience was probably 33 years old. If you were still on the cutting edge making quality music I would think you could at least attract a few random 18 year olds or at least ONE 20 to 30 year old. If the makeup of the crowd was not a big enough clue to your fall from grace, the audience’s reaction was.

Most know that DC and Baltimore crowds are well known for planting their feet, rocking back and forth, & staring at their shoes. I’m assuming the spotlights were too bright and Billy assumed no one was moving because this stare at your shoes dancing was going on. The truth is that anyone that was near the stage was facing the opposite direction and sending text messages or playing Minesweeper on their iPhone apps. What I don’t think he could have missed was the intermittent boos and that the crowd gave up after 2 or 3 bad songs causing a majority of the crowd to push their way away from the stage and up to the bar. They probably imagined that if they were much drunker that the show would have been at least mediocre, but as the Admiral’s 18 bourbons and mega hangover can attest to, it did not make a difference.

The entire night was not a complete loss. The Admiral made a new life friend last night, Leroy the bathroom attendant. Our encounter started off swimmingly when I dropped a $5 in the bucket while he handed me a towel to dry my hands and squirted me with CKOne. The Admiral had meant to drop a $1, but has enough bathroom etiquette to not reach in for change. I did feel that $5 was too much for a squirt and a napkin, so I did eat an altoid and grab a candy apple Blowpop. I actually forgot about it and just found it in my pocket and am enjoying it while I type this. Thank God for life’s little miracles.

The original reason for my trip to the bathroom was to hotbox a cigarette in the bathroom stall because of RamsHead’s no smoking policy. After dropping the $5 I figured it would be no big deal and let Leroy know what I was up to. Leroy let me know that you can go outside to smoke and return if you are over 21 (which as mentioned, was everyone) and I had a new best friend. For those that are wondering I did learn quite a bit about the Bathroom Attendant career track. The attendant does own their own inventory of cologne, Altoids, and condoms, but the venue provides the towels. For his part Leroy must keep the urinals urine free, and either report, or take a cut, from any illicit bathroom drug deals. Anyway, next time you visit the Admiral’s house you can meet Leroy; I’ve hired him to freelance in my home bathroom on weekends.

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