Someone Please Call the Department of Homeland Security on David Beckham

Disclaimer: DBSF has an irrational aversion to elite professional athletes that look like they should be in a Davidoff advertisement (i.e., David Beckham, Tom Brady). DBSF believes that an individual should have to choose between the two. Either be an awesome athlete and look like Chris Cooley, or look like David Chokachi and have no discernible talent whatsoever.

Because of his Achilles injury--and, not apparently because he's old and sucks at soccer--David Beckham has offered to help the English soccer team in this year's World Cup by providing insight on the American players he competed against in the MLS.

Judas F'ing Iscariot. Do you seriously mean to tell DBSF that after flying over the pond and taking $125 million from the LA Galaxy during one of the greatest economic recessions in US history while adding no real value to the Galaxy that Benedict Arnold is going to trade US soccer secrets with the Brits? In his three years in the US, Beckham has given us a line of perfumes that make Britney Spears' line look like Chanel No. 5, taken his shirt off after each game (which, grant it, provides value to women MLS fans . . . all four of them), and brought his attractive yet David Chokachi-caliber talent wife to revitalize the economy one shopping trip to Rodeo Drive at a time.

But, what is there to do? DBSF will tell you. Beckham is a threat to the state. Presumably the Department of Homeland Security, or the State Department has an organization that deals with people so deleterious to America's well-being. If we can find a way to craft policy that deports individuals for looking Latino, DBSF is confident we can conjure up something for has-been traitors.