Thursday, May 27, 2010

A Novel Approach to Solving the BP Oil "Issue"

Apparently last week's underwater robots failed to stop the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. This week scientists have proposed filling it with mud and cement. At 5,000 feet deep both options seem expensive and time-consuming.

DBSF, the consummate problem solver (think Nancy Drew meets Daryl Hall from the Hall & Oates 'Private Eyes' video), has a two-pronged solution that accomadates both financial and temporal constraints.

First--public relations. Calling it a "disaster" gives the wrong message. Heck, "spill" conjures memories of the Exon Valdez. Language--titles, in particular--are critical. DBSF recommends BP call it the "Gulf of Mexico Underwater Oil Fountain".

Fountains are way more positive. When people think of fountains, they probably picture some Viennese garden in April, or some central area in a shopping mall where one can toss pennies while looking at Pontiac's newest hybrid SUV, and sip the remnants of a pink lemonade from Sbarro's. In addition, the idea of an underwater fountain is novel and intriguing.

This intrigue leads to point two. Turn lemons into lemonade, and go tourism with this. After some time presumably all of the Gulf of Mexico will be thick and dark. The US and Mexico could market it as the world's only black, large body of water.

Anyone can flick sliced limes through Corona bottles in the Carribean, but only the most prestigious vacationers can float in the tar of the Gulf of Mexico (note: the new tourism industry should probably do some research on health benefits associated with floating in oil. If they can't find any, say it's an exfolliant. White people love anything that is an exfolliant or high in Omega three fatty acids).

As for the fishing and shrimping industries that will be decimated by this approach (note: in the official memo replace "decimated" with "given new opportunities to propser") DBSF recommends that they be offered first dibs at contracts for eco-oil tourism tours (white people also love eco-tourism).

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