Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A Tribute to Celebrity Neck-Beards

With the third installment of the Twilight teenage-played-by-many-non-teenage vampire* series coming to theatres this week, DBSF thought it appropriate to pay homage to its star, Robert Pattinson, and other hirsutely inclined celebrities with a tribute to the top three celebrity neck-beards**.

First off, we have RoPat. He only gets a 5 (out of 10) because there is no beard-chest hair connection. John Stamos make RoPat look like an infant.

At number two, Justin Timberlake. The former Model Behavior star, who also appeared in an episode of DBSF-favorite Touched by an Angel, gets a 7. Although like RoPat there is no neck to chest hair connection, Timberlake's neck-beard is so voluminous (would that be vertically or horizontally inclined?) that it looks like he has a cocker-spaniel's leg wrapped around his neck.

Finally, the alpha and the omega of celebrity neck beards--Mr. John Stamos. Stamos seems conscious of his neck undergrowth, and as such seeks to limit its expansion. But, one can imagine that minus a 7am Nair session followed up by careful Maybelline foundationing, the tentacles of Stamos's neck-beard could have collarbone potential.

* An interesting fact about teenage vampires as opposed to the non-teenaged variety, at least according to the Twilight series, is that the teenage kind seem to function best sans-shirt. On the other hand, your conventional^ tall, dark Eastern European vampire of Castlevania-lore always dressed in what looked like thick, dark wool suits while bearing his long cape. Pretty much the antithesis to abs and not-quite-hipster-tight jeans.

^Footnote w/ in a footnote: "Conventional" is of course in reference to those interpreting vampires born before Michael Jordan won an NBA championship. Those born after "His Airness" took his thrown assume vampires have an Abercrombie & Fitch meets Scandanavia or some other low-sun region quality to them.

** DBSF recognizes that his inability to formulate hairs from the follicles of his facial region make this post appear less ironic and biting, and more spiteful.


  1. While enjoying DBSF with my girlfriend she promptly noticed a typo. "This is the third installment of the Twilight series, How can DBSF forget about New Moon!" she cried.