Wednesday, June 23, 2010

NFL Wide Receiver's Website's Gift Stores: A DBSF Wish List

NFL wide receivers possess a level of delusion shared only by people that work in four-person organizations but demand titles like "Executive Vice President of Technology and Infrastructure", and 250 lb Middle America moms who think they're toe-tapping two year old is the next American Idol.

In their revelry of self-delusion, NFL wide outs create--or more likely have some IT-familiar family member create--websites that consist of 1) an image of said player with shirt off, shades on, hat backward, chain hanging, and subtlety flexing*, 2) another image of #1 but w/ a sleeveless sweater vest on and now leaning on a i) Bentley, ii) high-end Mercedes Benz, or iii) Ferrari-type auto**, and 3) a gift store where shoppers can purchase merchandise with the player's number, image, or some asinine comment that the player blurted out and his manager/ older brother found divinely hilarious/ inspirational.

It is this last piece of the NFL wide out's website that DBSF absolutely cherishes with respect to self-delusion. Fourth-round draft picks who haven't caught a touchdown in their three years in the League honestly believe that there are non-immediate family members out there who would be willing to pay $25 to have that player's "86" on a hat when in reality no one--save the immediate family members--would understand if that 86 represented an athlete's number or a special year or some other commemorative event.

In honor of delusional NFL wide receivers DBSF is going to list the top five player's website's gift stores products (with links) that he would buy if he ever received one of those Penny Hardaway contracts that require one not to work while making $20 million a year.

1. Dsean Jackson "Yuuuuuup!" T-shirt
Please note that the model for this shirt looks eerily reminiscent of one DBSF.

2. Terrell Owens' "T.O.'s Finding Fitness" book
Because ghostwriters need jobs too.

3. Chad Ocho Cinco "If you don't vote for me on DWTS . . . " T-shirt
Other favorites are "You want me to co-sign for a car . . .", "You spent the child support . . .", and "You ain't following @OGOCHOCINO on Twitter . . . "

4. Devin Thomas Signed Skins Hat
There's a lot DBSF doesn't like about this. For example, he's charging $125 for a signed hat that sans his signature probably goes for $6. That means Devin Thomas thinks his John Hancock is worth a cool $119. DBSF believes Lehman Brothers' stock at $119 a share is a better deal. Also, he appears to have given himself the nickname "Showtime" Hmmm. 3 TDs, 40 catches in 2 seasons . . . how about 'Showed Up?'

5. Santonio Holmes Mobile (Cell Phone) Wallpaper
Notice half of the images include Holmes in the thinker position. DBSF is not buying it; likely some misguided ploy to appear intellectual and, thus, eventually to get laid. Well played Santonio.

*As part of the delusion, they all think they're Maurice Chestnut/ 'I should be the object of affection in a Beyonce video' hot.

**Ferrari-type autos are typically reserved for NBA players who's much larger and guaranteed contracts enable them to literally piss away money.


  1. I'd like to congratulate the DBSF research team on these golden finds. My favorites.

    1) The DeShean Jackson 'Yuuuuuuuuuup' T-shirt has an option to view the shirt from the left or right side. I understanding wanted to see the YUUUUUUUUUUP on the front, or the jersey number on the back, but how is the left or right side going to be different from any Tshirt that has ever existed.

    2) Santonio Holmems Ringtones (just rolls off the toungue, doesn't it?) Best of the best.
    -'Yo homeboy, this next play, I'm going 50 yards deep, so don't fumble your phone. This is Santonio Holmes. Pickup the phone.'
    -'Oh, so now youre screening your calls. This is your boy. Santiono Homles. Pick up your phone. Look, I need to score a TD on this next play, so please pick up your phone.'

    Brilliant work DBSF.

  2. Only the most qualified applicants make it onto DBSF's research team. The application process involves a scoring below 0.16 on a breathalyzer and evidence that the individual can turn on/ off a computer. (Of course, both these requirements are exempted if the applicant beats DBSF in 2 out of 3 games in Madden '94 on Super Nintendo where DBSF is Barry Sanders and the Detroit Lions.)