dem bammas straight fryin: Facebook P.I.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Facebook P.I.

by: the Admiral

I’ve decided to put my extraordinary perception skills and super human intelligence to good use and have decided to start my career as a private investigator. After thickening my moustache, finding a Detroit Tigers cap, and dry cleaning my red Hawaiian shirt I figured I could open for business.

Things changed quickly when I realized that to be a P.I. I had to leave the house, follow people, and expend a lot of energy. Being a true P.I. is not conducive to watching Goonies and Smokey and the Bandit (a.k.a. Monday afternoon) so I had to make some changes to my business plan.

Since in addition to my extraordinary perception and super human intelligence I also discovered that I am quite lazy, I’ve decided that I will exclusively be a Facebook Private Investigator. I will accept all cases, solve all mysteries, and answer all of life’s questions, but the only tool I will use is my internet connection and Facebook.

If you doubt my skills, my first customer has agreed to let me showcase her case in lieu of payment.

Case 1 – Facebook P.I., I think my husband may be addicted to drugs. Can you find out?……………Customer X

So I started my Facebook investigation how I start all my Facebook cases, by looking at Customer X’s husband’s Facebook page (name and eyeballs blacked out for privacy).

Just looking at the profile I wouldn’t be jumping out on a limb to say, “Yes Client X, your husband is addicted to drugs.” That is an example of my extraordinary perception, but if I’m going to build a client base then clients are going to want rock solid proof.

While this guy’s Facebook photos showed him in various stages of homeless chic, it was certainly possible that he was just a raging alcoholic. Next thing I did was look at his interests, but “drug addiction” was not listed. Feeling my new business was going to fail before it got off the ground I had to get creative.

So I created the following Facebook page and sent this guy a friend request.