Thursday, December 9, 2010

Luke Scott, Miguel Tejada & the Netherworld

Yahoo! Sports wasted approximately 348K office hours today with news that Orioles OF Luke Scott believes that President Obama was not in fact born in America. Scott bases this admonition on two critical points. First, at any point--as long as he is within 2 miles of his home in Florida--Luke Scott can acquire his birth certificate in 10 minutes. Second, Obama--in Scott's view--doesn't answer questions.

Before getting distracted by a Youtube collage of kittens sleeping on dogs, DBSF was reviewing the US Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services' FAQs on requirements for being "native born". He didn't find anything about the question dodging, but apparently the 103rd US Congress did pass legislation making it mandatory for all Americans to qualify as "native-born" based on the proximity Luke Scott was to his birth certificate when said American exited said American's mother's birth canal.

Then, DBSF got to thinking--if Scott has such strong beliefs on the birth certificate and native status of the President of the United States, what would he think about ex-Oriole Miguel Tejada, who in 2008 at the age of 31/33 was discovered to be 2 years older than his Dominican birth certificate stated? DBSF quickly boarded the DBSF charter 747 to Lake Buena, FL where MLB's winter meetings are taking place to interview Scott. (Oddly, enough the DBSF charter 747 looks and moves suspiciously like the Greyhound from Baltimore to Orlando.)

Author's Aside: It was also reported that Scott was walking around the meeting with pictures of deer and wildlife he had recently shot. So, yes we're dealing with someone who finds it socially appropriate to show strangers a picture of him holding a dead 2,000 lb elk that he had "got" after spending 8 hours in a tree that he had covered with artificial elk hormones peering through the lens of an assault rifle created for long range combat in Afghanistan. Well done Luke, you killed an elk that was tricked into thinking it was going to bone another elk.

Below represents an abbreviated version of the transcripts of DBSF's interview with Scott:

DBSF: Yeah, and I mean the President with those two last names for names? Not like you, Luke. Good American, two first names--Luke and Scott.

Scott: shows picture to DBSF of elk carcasses.

DBSF: Let me jump to the point. You possess an unrivaled perspicacity when it comes to detecting the veracity of birth certificates.

Scott: still showing picture of elk.

DBSF: Right, well what about Giants' third basemen, Miguel Tejada? What do you think about him announcing when he was 31 years old that he was in fact 33 years old and that his Dominican birth certificate had been forged to make him more attractive to MLB teams when he was a teenager.

Scott: Doesn't exist.

DBSF: Pardon? Who doesn't?

Scott: Tejada. Aberration. Exists in a middle world. Hologram at best.

DBSF: Are you suggesting that 14-year veteran Miguel Tejada perhaps doesn't exist? Or, is some form of visual technology a la a Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Scott: He answer questions?

DBSF: As far as I know.

Scott: Hologram, hologram for sure.

DBSF: Perhaps we should consider time travel.

Scott: I said hologram.

DBSF: I'm convinced. Thank you for your time. One last question. How does traffic figure into the native born-Luke Scott can always access his birth certificate in 10 minutes equation?

Scott: Rolls up dead elk picture.

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