Four Loko Substitutes

by: the Admiral

For those who don’t get their news from TMZ and the Yahoo! Home Page like me, Four Loko is an energy drink/alcohol combo that has the equivalent alcohol of 5 beers combined with the caffeine of 3 large coffees. It’s basically Bros Icing Bros on steroids.

My enemies who do not reside with me in the “personal responsibility”
camp have blamed Four Loko for car accidents, campus hospitalizations, the Holocaust, and the renewal for 13 more episodes of the Jersey Shore.

I don’t want to waste people’s time on a lecture about common sense and personal responsibility, so I’m taking a different angle on the Four Loko controversy in response to this article.

Partyers rush to stock up on Four Loko before it gets pulled from shelves after FDA says it’s unsafe

Dave Chappelle’s twin brother is confused by Four Loko

What this tells me is that there is going to be a void in the energy drink + blackout market that Red Bull and Vodka is not going to be able to fill. In response, I spent yesterday tinkering with some recipes and branding for my own concoctions.

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #1 – Red Bull & Roofies

Recipe: 16 oz Red Bull, 8 oz grain alcohol, 2 Rohypnol (crushed)

Product Name: Red Bull & Roofies has a nice ring to it, but I don’t plan on cutting Red Bull in on the profits or letting them know they are part of the recipe. I’m going to sell this in upscale establishments in an up glass as a Coma Martini ™ and at college bars as DRME (Date Rape Made Easy)™.

Effects: After drinking two of these I never felt more alive, or more dead, in my whole life. Once I infiltrate the bar scene, I expect them to resemble something out of a zombie charge from a George Romero Movie

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #2 – Malt Liquor & NoDoz

Recipe: 40 oz Olde English, 5 NoDoz, 1 milliliter of pure horse adrenaline, 5 Valium, Vitamin Water

Product Name: I plan to market this blackout energy drink to the inner city under the name Colt 45 Million™. Despite the inclusion of Vitamin Water I could not get 50 Cent on board for our advertising campaign. But, in a stroke of good luck and good sense, I’ve signed Afroman just in time for the holidays for a rerelease of his seminal album under the new name, “A Colt 45 Million Christmas.” We actually could not find any funding or distribution, so me and Afroman spent the whole day fucked up on 45 Mils fixing previously unsold copies of his album with Sharpies.

♫♫♫“I was gonna go to work, and then I got 45 Milled.”♫♫♫

Effects: In the 90s the catchphrase was “40 and a blunt is all i want.” After chilling with Afroman drinking Colt 45 Million on the stoop I’d say its comparable to a 40, a blunt, and dangerous amounts of crack cocaine.

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #3 – Rolling Rock Rave Mix

Recipe: 12 oz Monster Energy Drink, 3 Tablets of Ecstasy, PCP, Special K, the green liquid inside glow sticks, 12 oz Rolling Rock

Product Name: We are still working on the ad campaign for this green glowing possibly toxic product, but are considering selling it under the name Rolling Crackrock™, possibly with a free heart defibrillator.

Effects: Pretty damn good.

We won’t be tapping the pet blackout energy drink market until the 2011 rollout of Catnip Cocaine™, but the drinks mentioned above will be on the shelves at Ponchos, Lees, and the Golden Bull by the end of the week.