by: the Admiral
The following picks are for entertainment purposes only. But if you do have the urge to use these picks for actual wagering take solace in the fact that my previous picks posted here went 11-3 (with 2 of the 3 losses occurring on the final play of the game).
JAX @ CLE +1: Browns upper management says that they are “cautiously optimistic” that Colt McCoy will develop into a solid franchise quarterback. While that does not sound overwhelmingly positive, you do have to put it in context. Here are some of the recent Browns quarterbacks and the team’s feelings about each becoming a reliable starter.
*Derek Anderson: “guardedly neutral”
*Jake Delhomme: “aggressively nauseous”
*Brady Quinn: “cautiously suicidal”
* Charlie Frye: “extraordinarily in denial”
* Luke McCown: “genuinely curious if we were drunk when we drafted him”
TB @ GB -14: The Green Bay Packers offense has more weapons than Gilbert Arenas’ locker. Pick: Packers
BUF @ MIA -1: Last season, Buffalo Bills wide receiver, Stevie Johnson, sent this tweet to God after dropping a game winning touchdown late in the 4th quarter.
I for one am glad that God is finally making it clear to the world that he hates all of upstate New York. Pick: Bills
And we twitter to the Lord……..Lord hear our tweet.
PHI @ NYG -3.5: I was hoping to make a game-time decision on this game to see if Andy Reid would lift the controversial tackling moratorium he seems to have implemented with his defense back in Week 2. Pick: Giants
NYJ @ DEN +4.5: This game is hard to handicap because both of these teams have a serious issue working against them. For the Jets their biggest problem is that their quarterback is an overrated underachiever who I won’t name, but will tell you that he is okay with sporting white skinny jeans, a tight tank top and a fur coat.
For the Broncos their biggest problem is Eric Decker. Now Decker is actually a talented wide receiver, but he is their leading scorer; and he is white. The dilemma is that everyone knows that being an NFL team is like being a Kardashian sister; only the desperate ones score with white dudes. Pick: Jets
CAR @ DET -7: The Detroit Lions were everyone’s darling during their 5-0 start, but in the 3 losses since then it seems like the Lions couldn’t complete a forward pass with a month of planning, a GPS unit, and a defensive secondary that consists of three sacks of flour and a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett. Pick: Panthers
DAL @ WAS +9: Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan developed an ingenious machine to guarantee that the Skins make the playoffs.
The problem is that this machine only works when Andrew Luck walks through the door at step H; not so much with Rex Grossman and John Beck alternating clipboard and quarterback duties. The Skins don’t have a quarterback controversy; they have a quarterback catastrophe Pick: Cowboys
CIN @ BAL -7: If Raven’s coach John Harbaugh knows one thing, it’s football.
The weird part was when a reporter asked the follow-up question, “John, what does the F in NFL stand for?” he just stood there perplexed and pretended that he didn’t hear the question. Pick: Ravens
OAK @ MIN +1: With a 63 yard field goal in one game and three 50+ yard field goals in another it is clear that Sebastian Janakowski can make a field goal from just about anywhere on the field. The only place you will see more balls kicked is on America’s Funniest Home Videos. (Question to self to resolve before publishing this blogpost: Would “Ridiculousness” and/or “Tosh.0” be a more relatable reference to audiences of today for getting kicked in the balls or should I stick with America’s Funniest Home Videos?). Pick: Raiders
SEA @ STL -1: Seattle Seahawks assistant head coach Tom Cable is known to be a hothead. After a recent 30-28 loss to the Falcons he had to be restrained from attacking an official who made a late call that he disagreed with. After being restrained by players he instead had to settle for a “profanity-laced exchange,” which is, in my opinion, one of the best kinds of “laced” exchanges, or at least better than the boring “compliment-laced exchange” or the rarely used “poetry-laced exchange”. Pick: Rams
ARZ @ SF -9.5: I’ve watched the 49ers play a few times this year and I’ve been forced to come to the conclusion that they aren’t half bad; and even more surprising, Alex Smith can actually win football games. This is a conclusion my brain resists the way it would resist imagining ESPN sideline hog Shelley Smith naked. Pick: 49ers
TEN @ ATL -6: I’m not saying that the Falcons’ offense felt impotent for losing to New Orleans after failing to gain half a yard on 4th down in overtime, but after the game the Saints’ defense kept gently stroking its arm and telling it that this happens to all the offenses. Pick: Titans
SD @ CHI -3.5: I was originally going to with:
Jay Cutler threw no interceptions last week. That means he has twice the quota to fill this week. These statistics don’t just look after themselves you know.
Then I thought it may be a bit cleverer to go with:
I wonder if Jay Cutler will prioritize his interceptions to members of the Chargers secondary based on height or alphabetical order.
Then I realized I can’t put down the Bears because they are playing the Chargers. I’ve sworn to never pick a Philip Rivers quarterbacked Charger team after his last second loss to the Chiefs cost me a ton of dough -- and neither me nor my bankroll will ever forgive him. So, as a last minute replacement I went with this:
The talented but underachieving Chargers have lost 4 straight games. This week is a game that the Chargers MUST win if they want to salvage their season. Or said in a different way, this is exactly the kind of game that, traditionally, Norv Turner loves to find a way to LOSE. Preferably with a last second coaching error and a long sullen look on his face that masks what he is really thinking. Pick: Chicago
“Should I eat fish tonight, I had fish last night, oh wait, what!!!? We just lost?? What happened? Oh well. Fuck it, they haven’t fired me yet, they never will.”
KC @ NE -14.5: Washed up wide receiver, Chad Ochocinco, is turning out to be a bust for the Patriots while averaging just 1 catch a game this season. NFL defensive backs have admitted that he is not a threat and the smart move would be to just ignore him, but instead of embarrassing him they have decided they will cover him just to be polite. Pick: Patriots