Monday, August 29, 2011

DBSF NFC North & South Predictions

This season marks the first in twenty or so in which Brett Favre will not be an NFL quarterback. This comes as unfortunate news for the mildly perspicacious defensive back, but fortunate for 23 to 25 year old female team media outreach specialists (i.e., wear something one size too small, hand out the team pens and hats, and smile and don't stop smiling at that advertising executive/ welcome back the troops/ players' families/ whatever player meet & greet).

NFC North
1. Chicago Bears (10-6)
QB Jay Cutler called off his engagement ex-Hills star, Kristin Cavallari, in the off-season. This means that Jay will be exchanging a few Jennifer Anniston/ Katherine Heigl-based movie nights for, well, strip clubs. That should be worth about minus one in the win column in comparison to last year.

2. Green Bay Packers (9-7)
If DBSF's calculations and assumptions are correct Green Bay should become the closest thing in football to the late 1980's Loyola Marymount basketball team. Points will be scored. Defense will be a formality.

3. Detroit Lions (7-9)
This IS Detroit's year . . . to go 7-9. DBSF calling 7-9 after the Lion's going 6-10 is equivalent to predicting consecutive Superbowl wins for any other NFL franchise.

4. Minnesota Vikings (5-11)
Donovan McNabb--great guy. Adrian Peterson--great guy. EJ and Erin Henderson--brothers and epic guys. This team is chock-full of quality guys. Sadly, 'quality of guy' doesn't always translate to success (see Bill Belichick).

NFC South
1. Tampa Bay Bucs (11-5)
Eleven and five in the regular season; zero and one in the playoffs. DBSF projects this Tampa team to achieve maximum sister-kissing status.

2. Atlanta Falcons (10-6)
What if Matt Ryan gets hurt? Good question. You're basically looking at a pretty good U of Louisville football team with Pro Bowl caliber wide receivers. This should be Atlanta's year to reach the NFC Championships; and, to lose it.

3. New Orleans Saints (8-8)
DBSF expects some two-hand touch defense from the Saints, which when combined with the offense probably accounting for 30-40 points a game will result in a very respectable PGA round (not like Duval or Daly ehhhhh, but like Toms or Stricker respectable).

4. Carolina Panthers (3-13)
The Panthers will play 16 games because that is the total the NFL and the Player's Association agreed to. In reality, the preseason should serve as a sufficient sample size to allow fans to generalize about the likely outcome of their entire regular season. Watching LBs tee-up on Cam Newton every time he opts out of throwing to run the ball will arouse the same misanthropy that leads some people to watch MMA solely to witness a 220 lb man get concussed by a knee to the temple.

No comments:

Post a Comment