Monday, June 27, 2011

Brandon Marshall--Needs Restrictions on his eHarmony Account

Former Denver Bronco and current Miami Dolphin wide receiver, Brandon Marshall, has encountered standard legal issues during his college and professional football career. He got in a fight/ resisted arrest during a Halloween party in college; was caught attempting to return stolen bed sheets to Burlington Coat Factory (link included to show that this one wasn't a DBSF creation); his Dad tried to run him over with his car (the Dad's car presumably); DUI; etc.

But, it's Marshall's encounters with ex-GFs and wives that has DBSF most concerned. For example, an ex-GF--who in Marshall's defense discussed their relationship a few years ago as if it were a money market fund or commodity she was going long on--and Marshall alleged that the other had inflicted physical abuse on her/ him after hours of fighting in 2006. A year later the same ex-GF accused Marshall of punching her and taking her purse at an Orlando hotel. A few nights after that police showed up when the two had loud--but, non-physical--arguments. Another five days later Marshall was arrested for domestic abuse and false imprisonment but this time in Denver (charges were dropped). (Editor's note: These are all separate police reports. This wasn't some single three-year event, like the War of 1812.)

For two months Marshall apparently exhibited restraint as it wasn't until June that the same ex-GF alleged that he threw a rock at the passenger window of the car she was in and then cut her thigh and punched her in the face. Charges weren't filed, which DBSF guesses probably contributed to Marshall allegedly punching/ choking/ black-eyeing the ex-GF three weeks later. Almost a year later in 2008 Marshall and ex-GF inevitably get in another fight--more mouth and eye punching (she being the recipient)--and he ends up falling on a glass table and injuring tendons and muscles in his right hand, which caused him to play the 2008 season without full feeling in his right hand. (Marshall initially claimed that the injury was the result of rough housing with his brother--kind of like that time Clint Barmes broke his collar bone either ATVing, carrying groceries or lugging dear meat given to him by Todd Helton.)

Presumably Marshall read something in the leaves as he and the ex-GF split-up in the Summer of 2008. In 2009 he gets engaged to someone else, and within a month they're both arrested for disorderly conduct after a fight gets out of hand. Marshall and that fiancee marry and exchange vows twice in 2010. Apparently, the wife had a little of the ex-GF in her--or, more likely Brandon Marshall has the same Brandon Marshall in him--as she was arrested and jailed two months ago for stabbing him during a fight (self-defense), which resulted in an ICU trip.

If you've lost count 6'4" 230lb Brandon Marshall has had to have police break up about a baker's dozen of his fights with women. It looks like in the most recent incident, his wife was abundantly clear w/r/t her approach to 'leveling the whole playing field'. Whether or not the new approach has influenced Marshall is still yet to be known (however, he's been involved in no police reports for two months), but--for Marshall's sake--DBSF thinks Dr. Neil Clark Warren might want to add a 30th dimension of compatibility to eHarmony that controls for "a penchant for hand-to-hand combat".


  1. That was a really long build up to that eharmony joke.

  2. That explains all the Rob Lowe/ Andrew McCarthy content. Sometimes you hit a home run; sometimes you swing and miss and tear your Achilles tendon in the process.

  3. As Dr. Wagg Once Said...July 4, 2011 at 2:21 AM

    Writing comedy is hard.