Thursday, June 23, 2011

2011 NBA Draft Actions & Reactions

Apparently DBSF's media pass to this year's draft was lost in the mail/ 8 General Mills coupons failed to appropriately incentivize the NBA's media staff.

The draft is sponsored by Kia. DBSF fancies that Hyundai and Daewoo blew their marketing budgets on the Carolina League's All-Star game.

Adele getting played before and after every commercial break--bigger white sisters haven't got this much love in the NBA since Olive Miller was playing/ going out 7 nights a week.

The greatest inhibitor of Kyrie Irving's assists per game average will be Alonzo Gee, Anthony Parker, and Anderson Varejao. So, the rim.

Kyrie's sideburns go about an inch beyond his jaw. And, a goatee? We're talking about a half inch of bare jawbone. Just close the deal already Kyrie--go beard.

Jay Bilas says Derrick Williams strength is that he can finish by the basket. DBSF has a feeling that dunking on Oregon State's 6'6" stoner-center, who has like two hallucinogenic mushroom tattoos, is a mildly different experience than attacking Dwight Howard at the rim.

Enes Kanter's hair flirts with his eyebrows. DBSF is calling for Olympic-style testing. But, rather than checking for doping DBSF requests investigating the presence of Teen Wolfism.

This year's draft hats possess a hologramic-LA Gear effect.

John Calipari watching Enes Kanter speak in his post-draft interview with Mark Jones has the same look you see Johns give when they're in the squad car after the under cover cop busts them for solicitation AND doesn't give them their $50 back. (It's evidence/ the cop's date money that night, bro.)

Who bought all these Eastern European kids their suits? They've been playing basketball in sandals their entire Lithuanian lives. Whichever investigator Google Searched "don't say nothing to nobody; especially the NCAA" in Jim Tressel's gmail account and brought down the Ohio State Sports and at time Academic Institution should look into this.

Cleveland picks Tristan Thompson #4 overall. There's a reason the Cavaliers are the Cavaliers. (And, it has nothing to do with no one in the organization finding anything wrong with it taking Baron Davis 8 days to fly to Cleveland after getting traded from the Clippers. Okay it has something to do with that too.)

I'm sure international players, like Jonas Valanciunas, love that ESPN's staff group all non-American players as a homogeneous group that views Dirk Nowitzki as a deity. Like do they know what Dirk's native Germany did to the rest of Europe over twenty or so years in the first half of the twentieth century?

Jan Vesely gets a kiss from his GF that said "no more mail order briding". Hold onto that thought sister. Jan is about to be introduced to segment of American womanhood that you and your babooshka's cinnamon apples (literally, cinamon on sour apples' they don't have much in the Balkans) could never match.

Jan Vesely (white) described as a high flyer gets compared to no other than JR Smith (black)? No. Dee Brown (black)? No. Clyde Drexler (black)? No. Tom Chambers (quasi-obscure white player)? Yes.

Jimmer Fredette is a lottery pick. Good to see white affirmative action is still in operation. Reparations for Cam Newton getting picked over that guy from Washington who makes Joey Harrington look like Jake Locker? Who are we talking about here?

From the look of excitement among the crowd of five-foot-sixers around the Morris brothers each time one gets drafted suggests there's a sufficiently large early twenty somethings entourage that just reached early retirement.

With the seventh pick the Charlotte Hornets select Bismack Biyembo . . . because the Charlotte front office never plans on working after 8pm EST as the Charlotte Long John Silver happy hour ends at 8:30 promptly. God forbid they ever start picking after the lottery. The front office will be paying that full $1.75 on Miller Lites and the free hush puppies? Forget about it.

Do you think Markieff Morris ever gets angry that his twin brother got to be named Marcus and not the other way around?

Every time Commissioner David Stern walks up to announce the pic the crowd boos him a la a Roger Goodell at the NFL Draft. DBSF can tell Stern wants to go up there just once and yell "I'm better than you. I'm better than all of you. All."

New York fans at the draft remind the TV viewing audience of the almost supernatural compulsion that leads humans to cheer against New York teams.

More to come on the rest of the first round and second round . . .

1 comment:

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