Thursday, July 28, 2011

Post-lockout Acquisitions: Infinitely Qualified (to the point of arbitrary) Reactions & Analysis

With the NFL's lockout ending this week, players have been getting traded, signed, cut, and ignored like its Friday night at the Leather Palace. DBSF feels it appropriate to weigh in . . .

Albert Haynesworth to the Patriots for a 5th round pick: For every New Englandophiliac proclaiming from the top of their fashionable jersey-tshirt of Carl Crawford or Adrian Gonzalez or John Lackey or whatever recently purchased free agent that Belichick pulled out another 'Randy Moss', consider two things. First, in light of the omniscience and omnipotence that Pats' fans grant him, DBSF is highly suspicious of Belichick's ability to control a 6'6" 335 lbs (note: that's his media guide wieght; i.e., round up to the next hundred, so 400 lbs) individual who has spent this decade and the latter part of the prior decade illustrating that he possesses a most tenuous grasp on rationality/ reality/ sanity. Second--and by far most important--last time DBSF checked Boston has bars and liquor stores too. Redskins made out on this one.

Titans release Vince Young: The more important story here is that the rest of the NFL's reaction to his release seems to be: "Who gives a salami?" Yeah Young has the winning record and the two Pro Bowl selections, but he also has a commensurate amount of dedication to his trade as that of pizza delivery men if the job forbid taking bowl hits between deliveries.

Bill's sign Brad Smith to 4-year $15 million: In the last three seasons Smith has 21 catches for no touchdowns. Grant it he emerged as a kick returner with two kicks returned for TDs, but this contract definitely looks like the result of an Excel data entry error on the part of some intern on the Bills' talent evaluation staff. Like, some SUNY grad student in sports management, who had like 9 miller lites the night before, strolled in and just cut and pasted with abandon. Seeing as the team lead for the talent evaluation staff moved straight into the front office after 9 years as a back-up LB for the Jets or something probably leads him, the team lead, to accept talent spreadsheets form the aforementioned SUNY grad student at face value considering that his, the team lead again, first experience with Excel resulted in a very embarrassing mishap where he attempted to fill out the cells on the computer screen with different colored markers, which resulted in the Bill's front office needing to procure him one new Dell 19" monitor.

Saints trade Reggie Bush to the Dolphins: Reggie Bush--phenomenal flag-football, mediocre tackle-football player. Whether it's Kyle Orton or Chad Henne throwing to him next year, both better recognize that Bush only takes passes far into the flats and will be out of bounds within 8 yards of the line of scrimmage. Throw it to him across the middle and he will return to the huddle and accuse you of misunderstanding the play you called; ironically the play you did call entailed Reggie running to the flat on the side of the field with the fewest defenders.

Kevin Kolb to the Cardinal for Rodgers-Cromartie: This will work out well for both teams, and then in week 6 Michael Vick will get injured on his 13th carry of the game and be out for two weeks. At that time Andy Reid will turn and look to either Vince Young, who will be so engrossed in his Nintendo 3DS game of Lego Harry Potter: Years 5-7 that he will fail to notice that his jersey is on backward so it looks like he plays for 'Young' and his last name is 'Eagles', or to Matt Hasselbeck, who will be 5-years-old-Christmas-morning-eager to get in the game and believe, fully 100% no doubt/ the earth circles the sun/ gravity bears us down to earth/ carbon is a critical, critical element to existence that he will lead the team to victory on 400 yards plus of throwing. While Andy Reid will no doubt admire these hallucinations, Reid knows punting or kneeling the ball would be preferable to the inevitable 'batted down pass-batted down pass-interception-overthrown screen-interception-batted down pass' combination of Hasselbeck's next 6 drop-backs.

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