Monday, July 11, 2011

Matt Leinart just Learns that there is a Lockout

Ultimate party-bro Matt Leinart, a back-up QB for the Houston Texans which is commensurate in title to being the Deputy Sous-Chef at Quiznos, apparently just learned that the NFL Players Association of which he is a due-paying member has been in a lock out with NFL team owners since March. The existence of 24-hour internet and cable news information and the fact that Leinart has professionally watched football games while wearing a head-set for the last 5 years caused this news to come as quite a surprise to NFL fans. But, DBSF feels it necessary to explain how this very reasonable circumstance occurred.

When the season ends for Matt in November--grant it yes, DBSF recognizes that the NFL season runs through December for non-playoff teams and into February for Superbowl contenders, but for Matt anything past week 10 is "waaaay long, bro and places like Green Bay and Cincinnati are way, way cold"--he and his best friend, "Shimbs", take Shimbs's dad's yacht for a month long world tour.

Well, actually they never undocked from the Marina Del Ray Yacht Club this year because Shimbs's dad refused to give him the key until he, Shimbs, finally covered the $85 in court fees for Shimbs's last DWI. (As with the four prior DWIs his Dad covered all other court costs; the $85 simply reflected a paternal attempt at instilling responsibility for one's actions, which usually ended up with Schimbs's dad one day finding $85 less in his wallet and Shimbs ready to contribute only $60 of the $85 to the cause and the remains of a Bud Ice thirty pack littered across the driveway).

There was also the issue that after last season when Matt and Shimbs decided they were going to drive the boat to Afghanistan to 'surprise the troops' but the 11 beers and bottle of Chambord they brought to cover the 10,000 mile-plus trip was finished before they reached the Pacific, which required them to turn around, which led to Shimbs getting his first Yachting While Intoxicated-charge--hit a school of kayakers--which he, Shimbs still, couldn't mentally process that there existed a concept, much less laws prohibiting,the consumption of alcohol while driving a boat.

Thus, without cable or internet access on the Yacht--they only had to 9 or 10 dozen porn DVDs, and the first three seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond on VHS--there was no way for Matt to know until June, at the earliest, that the Lock-out was in place.

For the last 35 days, Matt and two high school friends--Hex and Lambo--have been mountain biking in the morning (i.e., 2pm to 4pm for the rest of the world), trying to brew their own beer in Hex's bathtub (Hex is Matt's one home-owning friend, he received a substantial sum in a civil suit after a bouncer broke both of his arms outside of a club back 2 or 8 years ago), and then at night they've been working on a football-action-thriller movie script (they simply combine the plots of Weekend at Bernie's with Weekend at Bernie's 2 but the cast only wears football pennies) while bare foot skateboarding in Hex's backyard while also cleaning out 20-25 beers each until the neighbors call the police and the boys have to go back inside and play some Medal Of Honor or Rainbow Six--which Lambo is by far the dominant player so they usually stick to Medal of Honor where the tables are much, much more even--until they have to start the day again after 11 hours or so of shut-eye.

So, when Matt realized yesterday that no checks had been going into his bank account for the last 4 months and he called his agent's daughter--who no way would he date for another two years until she turns 18, but definitely, definitely not date for at least another year--it was then that he found out that no he hadn't forgot again what seasons and months football was played. The players were locked out.

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