Another Perspective on Jordan v. Kobe v. LeBron

Perhaps the greatest challenge in comparing Jordan, Kobe, and LeBron rests in controlling for their supporting casts. LeBron and Jordan never played with a player of Shaq's caliber (in his prime), like Kobe. But, one way to compare the three is to look at the number of All-Stars that played with them.

Since excluding this season LeBron has played in 7 full seasons, I compared the first 7 seasons for each player. In the first 7 seasons, Jordan won 1 title, Kobe 3, and LeBron 0. Jordan was selected an all-star each of his first 7 seasons (for his second he was on the player IR), LeBron was selected for 6 of his first 7 (all except his rookie year), and Kobe was selected for 5 (like James he was selected to all but his rookie year; during his third season the lockout eliminated the All-Star game.)

With respect to All-Star teammates, Kobe also played with the most. He played alongside an All-Star 8 times (Eddie Jones, Nick Van Exel, and Shaq, who was selected for all non-lockout seasons). LeBron followed playing with an All-Star twice in his first 7 years (Moe Williams and Zydrunas Ilgauskas). Jordan, however, only played with an All-Star once (Scottie Pippen). In fact in 1990-91 when Jordan won his first title he was the only All-Star on the Bulls.

Of course, this information fails to definitively show who had superior teammates, but in the first 7 seasons--according to coaches and fans, at least--Kobe played on better teams.

Michael Vick: Still having to Waste Time because of how much White People Love Dogs

After arguably one of the greatest games in the history of the NFL at the quarterback position against the Redskins two weeks ago, Michael Vick had yet another MVP-quality outing against division rival NY Giants to take sole possession of first place in the NFC East. (For those keeping record, when Vick plays the whole game the Eagles are 5-0; when he doesn't they're 2-3.)

While most QBs named Tom, Peyton, or Elijah spent the week preparing for their next opponent, Vick was completing community service/ name rehabilitation duties for his dogfighting conviction, which he already served 18 months for starting in 2007. As if his sentence hadn't sufficed, this week's service was especially ironic: Vick had to lecture kids in Connecticut on the ills of dog-fighting. Yes, Connecticut.

Now, DBSF hasn't seen the most recent data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, but its probably safe to say that children of hedge fund managers, partners of corporate law firms, and the occasional, liberal political science professor (family already had money) likely don't represent the typical animal-abuser.

Sure some salmon or trout were harmed on father-son fly-fishing trips in British Columbia and the occasional Kennebunkport box turtle was left in the trunk of a 7-series for two too many hours, but the fact that the current MVP of the NFL has to spend time during the season lecturing the Wesleyan and Bates class of 2016 on the dangers of dogfighting seems absurd.

Rape by Fraud

by: the Admiral

Court rules sex through use of fraud is not rape

A man who allegedly tricked his brother's girlfriend into having sex with him by impersonating his sibling in the middle of the night cannot be convicted of rape, the state's highest court ruled yesterday in a controversial decision that affirms the court's long-held view that sex obtained through fraud is no crime.

Looks like you are in the clear Lewis. Don Stan Gable’s Darth Vader mask, head to the moon bounce, and rape Betty Childs with impunity.

Carolina Panthers Field a Mediocre D-1 Team

After injuries decimated the QB position for the Carolina Panthers, it was announced this week that Brian St. Pierre will be taking over the helm at QB. If you can't pick Brian St. Pierre out of your cerebral card catalogue, it's not your fault. Unless you went to Boston College in the early 2000s or have the last name "St. Pierre" you probably never encountered the new Panther QB.

Between 2004 and 2009, St. Pierre has 5 career pass attempts (2 completions, a TD, a pic), negative one rushing yards, and a fumble that he picked up. In a vote of confidence Panthers' head Coach John Fox is quoted as saying “The guy has been in some games.” Fox means this literally. St. Pierre has played in two games; one above "game".

To further complicate matters, as of last week St. Pierre was stay-at-home dading so the speed and strength of the Baltimore Raves defense might come as a bit of a shock. In addition, the Panthers top 3 RBs are out with injuries, which means the ol' play action is pretty much off the table. As such, the odds makers have estimated the probability of a Panthers win this Sunday is more likely than "meteoric planetary annihilation", but slightly less likely than "Y2K bug disabling worldwide interweb."

Not So Subliminal Advertising

by: the Admiral

I don’t know what “MyTouch 4G” is, but I know that is has camel toe and that I want it for Christmas.

All-Time College Backfield?

Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams going #2 and #5 overall, respectively, in the 2005 NFL draft both out of Auburn seemed aberrant. Then three years later Darren McFadden and Felix Jones went #4 and #22 overall, respectively, out of Arkansas. Also in that same draft--although on day two--McFadden and Jones's fullback, Peyton Hillis, went as the 20th pick in the 7th round to the Denver Broncos.

While in college McFadden (4.6K yards, 40+TDs, threw a couple too) and Jones (3K yards, 23 TDs) considerably outperformed Hillis (960 yards, 23 TDs, and played one more year than both) statistically. But, in their third year in the NFL Hillis has run for about 500 yards less than McFadden, and 200 less than Jones but has two less TDs (16) than McFadden and Jones combined.

This season after taking over starting RB for the Browns, Hillis is having a career year averaging over 80 yards and 1 TD per game. Compare that to Jones (40 ypg, 0 TDs) and McFadden (108 ypg, 0.6 TD per game), and Hillis isn't looking so bad for a seventh rounder. With McFadden finally getting healthy (remember, McFadden in college = Adrian Peterson X Reggie Bush), Hillis emerging, and Jones continuing to contribute for the Cowboys, the 2007 Arkansas backfield was arguably the greatest college-pro line-up of the 21st century.

(Fortunately for Bronco fans, like DBSF, Wunderkind Josh McDaniels was able to determine Hillis's true value before the rest of the NFL and trade Hillis [plus a draft pick] this last off-season for Brady Quinn, who is allergic to completions and has a fetish for throwing interceptions.)

Lost Complaint Form

by: the Admiral

While moving to a new building the city of Santa Monica government offices found this in the back of an old file cabinet.

CITY OF SANTA MONICA

HOUSING AUTHORITY

DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT FORM

1. Person(s) allegedly discriminated against.

NAME: Jacob “Jack” Tripper

ADDRESS: 123 Ocean Avenue, Apt. 201, Santa Monica, CA 90211

CAN BE REACHED AT: Jack’s Bistro

2. Others living at same address.

NAME: Christmas Snow

CAN BE REACHED AT: Regal Beagle

NAME: Janet Wood

CAN BE REACHED AT: Santa Monica Florist

3. Person(s) filing complaint, if different than above.

NAME: Lawrence Dalliapoulos, a.k.a Larry Dallas

ADDRESS: 123 Ocean Avenue, Apt. 301, Santa Monica, CA 90211

CAN BE REACHED AT: Santa Monica Used Cars Emporium

4. Please explain your relationship to person(s) identified in #1.

Jack Tripper is my downstairs roommate. He is also my best friend. I sell used cars, but Jack never cockblocks when I tell ladies that I am Doctor Larry Dallas.

5. Please check the basis on which you believe a Santa Monica based landlord has discriminated and the type of discrimination you allege occurred with brief explanation.

Disability

Age

Sexual Orientation: My friend Jack is living in fear that he will be outed as a heterosexual. Our landlord, Mr. Stanley Roper, has threatened to evict Jack for not being gay.

Gender

Race

6. Please provide contact info for discriminating landlord.

NAME: Stanley Roper

SPOUSE: Helen Roper

ADDRESS: 123 Ocean Avenue, Apt. 101, Santa Monica, CA 90211

SUSPECTED REASON FOR DISCRIMINATION: Possibly gay

7. Please tell us as clearly as possible how the alleged discrimination happened. Identify the person(s) involved. Provide names of anyone who can corroborate these claims.

Mr. Roper has regularly discriminated against my friend, Jack Tripper, on the basis of his sexual orientation. Specifically, he has threatened to illegally evict Jack for not being gay. Hetero-persecution in this day and age makes me sick. Jack can’t even bring Lana back to his own place for fear of retribution from Mr. Roper. On another occasion I needed a wingman at the Regal Beagle so I could bag one of these Swedish twins; everything was going great until Mr. Roper walked in and Jack had to start gaying it up for him. I personally have not been discriminated against by Mr. Roper for being straight, but I figure it’s just a matter of time until this building is all gay, which is a shame because there is some nice tail here.

The Big 3 = The Big 2 + Chris Bosh

After tonight's loss to the Celtics the Miami Heat are now 5-4, or a half a game above the Cavaliers. If the Heat were a stock, they would be Bear Sterns circa November 2008. Despite the doom and gloom that prognosticators are likely to toss their way, in a matter of months the Heat will mesh and--DBSF believes--prove to be formidable in the East (although not perhaps the 4-peat champions some had guessed).

But, even when the Heat do finally come together, there are two blatant weaknesses the team must address. First, their starting PG is Carlos Arroyo. Watching him try to guard Rajon Rondo qualifies as a low-grade crime against humanity, like youtubing "guy + bear trap + nuts + closes on".

For those who don't pay much attention to the NBA, Arroyo didn't play in the league last year. And, he didn't play in one of the Spanish, or other European premier leagues either. Rather, Arroyo took the year off to play in Israel. Now Israel's a wonderful country, but its professional basketball system is reserved for rich kids who played D-III ball and refuse to accept that their non-career is over.

Now, if you're thinking DBSF is being overly critical of Arroyo, he isn't. Keep in mind that Arroyo looks like a Puerto Rican Paul Walker, makes 7-figures, and has front row seats to Heat games every night. He's like Justin Bieber at a suburban middle school, but he's supposed to slay.

Perhaps the bigger problem for the Heat is their lack of size, and of any post-presence. Apparently, Chris Bosh, a 6'10" two-guard, who they put at the four has confused a certain hockey rule about the goalie crease with the paint in basketball. He looks at it, he knows its there, but he is deathly afraid of ever entering it. Is there an allergy the team needs to know about, Chris?

You see this summer's Big 3 fiasco should have really been about LeBron joining DWade. Chris Bosh put up big points on a bad team (he only made the playoffs twice in his 7 years in Toronto). Anyone who was shocked that Bosh isn't putting up 24 ppg and 12 rpg every night was also likely surprised that Scottie Pippen's Trailblazer experience wasn't the same as life with Jordan. If throwing together a bunch of good players from bad teams created dynasties then the Washington Bullets would have been the greatest organization of the 1990s.

As DBSF is inclined to quantitative metrics, there is one that illustrates Bosh's biggest weakness with the Heat--his inability to rebound. Most people look at rebounds per game (rbg), and since Bosh over the last two years has finished 6th in rebounds per game they would surmise that he should be help the Heat where he actually hurts them the most.

Fortunately for stat nerds, there is a metric called "Total Rebounding Percentage" which is an estimate of the percentage of available rebounds a player grabbed while on the floor. Through his career Bosh has hovered around 15%. This season with the Heat he is at 10.3%. Compare him to some of his equals in the East. Kevin Garnett's career has been around 17% and this season he is almost at 18.5%. Dwight Howard is over 20% (as he is for his career). Other, less notable names in the East this season? Joakim Noah (21.5%), Andray Blatche (14.4%), Luc Mbah a Moute (13.1%), Tyler Hansbrough (13.9%).

If you're still reading this, this suggests that--at least based on the first month of the season--the Heat are in a precarious position, especially considering that they have to bang with the bigs from Orlando and Boston if they want to lose to the Lakers in June. As for the Carlos Arroyo issue? It's Models' night at Cameo, so he's alllll good.

DBSF Veteran's Day Tribute: Like Ron Mexico, but Not like Ron Mexico

Many distinguished veterans of the armed services have played collegiate and professional football--Roger Staubach, and Dwight D. Eisenhower represent perhaps the most prominent. Contemporaneously, none compare to James Connolly, long-snapper extrodinaire of the Maryland Terrapins and Catholic U. Cardinals football teams.

Few student athletes manage to play college football for a decade. This is primarily the case because of an esoteric NCAA-imposed student athlete term limit (4 years). Connolly, however, like Ron Mexico, took an 18 (give or take a few years) month hiatus from football. But, where Mexico's sabbatical was state imposed for improper kenneling, Connolly left football to clear road bombs in Mesopotamia.

In his return, Connolly's long-snapping has been so phenomenal that DBSF over-heard a top Old Dominion Athletic Conference scout say, "That Connolly's something special. I haven't seen a long-snapper get the ball to the punter so fast since, oh that, uh number 57 or 59 or 52 was it that played on oh, that darkish light jerseyed team a few years back or so or more." So, this Veteran's Day--which you will likely celebrate by taking a floating holiday on January 2nd after you impetuously parlay new year's into a two-day bender--DBSF would like you to honor the "Blumpkin of Bowie", James Connolly.

Lost in the Hype

With the New Big 3 going to Miami, Big Shaq going to play with the Old Big 3 and Big Baby, and the excitement surrounding the soaring Thunder and Blake Griffin's arrival in LA, a couple exceptional players have fallen under the NBA's hype-radar. There are many measures of players' success, but one that has become more accepted (especially in international basketball) has been the player efficiency rating. Click on the link if you want the details but it basically rewards players for doing something right and penalizes them for doing something wrong. (So, for the Ricky Davis and Wally Szczerbiak's of the world the PER exposes those 19 shots to score 15 points as not that impressive.)

Currently the top 3 PER players are Dwight Howard, Chris Paul, and Pau--I don't need the "l"--Gasol. Superstars, of course. But, DBSF would like to call your attention to numbers 4 (Al Horford), 6 (Luis Scola), and 8 (Paul--thank you very much, I will use that "l"--Millsap). To give you some perspective DWade is 5, Kobe is 7 and Bron Bron isn't even in the top 15.

Look at it another way. Horford, in 30 minutes a night, is shooting over 65%, scoring over 17 points per game (ppg), and grabbing over 10 boards per night (rbg). Not to mention, he's averaging 3 assists (apg) as a center. Paul Millsap is shooting a pathetic 60% but is making up for it with 20.3 ppg, 11.2 rbg, 3.3 apg, and more than a steal a game. Luis Scola, who suffers from "the 3rd Kardashian anonymity because he plays in Houston and his game is so hustle-technical that he makes Tim Duncan look like JR Smith" is averaging 22.5 ppg, 12.3 rpg, and is shooting 52% from the floor. The seasons still young but all three are putting up numbers that merit a starting PF spot in the All-Star game.

Condoms: Two’s Company, Three’s an Arrest

by: the Admiral

Unbelievably, this is a true story. The DC Police have set up “Prostitution Free Zones” (PFZs) where women carrying 3 condoms can be arrested for prostitution under the following vague and ambiguous criteria.

This chart simplifies it a little; here are the just as ridiculous particulars of how ladies with 3 condoms can now be arrested for prostitution in our Nation's Capitol.

1) A woman is seen in a designated PFZ, proceed to #2.

2) This woman congregates with 1 or more people with no reasonable purpose or destination. If a police officer, who isn’t even involved in the congregants’ conversation, decides without any objective criteria that the congregating is not reasonable, proceed to #3.

3) The female and congregators are told that they are in a PFZ and must disperse (whether they are prostituting, just talking to a friend, or trying to give it up for free) within a “reasonable” time. If the officer decides the dispersing time is not reasonable, again with no objective criteria, proceed to #4.

4) If the police officer sees the woman again, he is automatically allowed to search her, and upon finding out that she is carrying 3 or more condoms, she is ARRESTED FOR PROSTITUION.

When I first read this article I thought it was something from theonion.com, but apparently PFZs are popping up all over the city. There are so many things wrong here. Let’s take them one at a time.

1) You must be seen in a PFZ. The problem is that while the DC Government website posts the location of PFZs, I doubt that many females while doing their hair and makeup getting ready to head to the District bars want to spend time downloading APPS for their iPhones ensuring that they do not cross imaginary lines where their civil liberties evaporate. And even if they do take the time to check, there is another huge problem; I have a decent sense of direction, but trying to read just a sample of some current PFZ zones makes my head spin. (See below)

Boundaries of Prostitution Free Zones:

Starting at the northwest corner of the zone at the intersection of the eastern curbline of 2nd St NE and the northern curbline of L St NE, proceeding eastward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the eastern curbline of 4th St NE, proceeding southward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the southern curbline of K St NE, proceeding westward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the western curbline of 3rd St NE, proceeding southward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the southern curbline of Parker St NE, proceeding westward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the eastern curbline of 2nd St NE, proceeding northward to the starting point.

Starting at the northwest corner of the zone at the intersection of the curb line on the west side of Barnaby St., SE and the curb line on the north side of Wheeler Rd., SE, proceed east along the curb line on the north side of Wheeler Rd., SE to the intersection on the south curb line of Southern Ave., SE. Proceed south to the intersection of the curb line on the south side of 9th St., SE. Proceed northwest along the curb line on the south side of 9th St., SE to the intersection of the curb line on the west side of Barnaby St., SE and the curb line on the south side of 9th St., SE. Proceed north finally returning to the starting point.

Starting at the northwest corner of the zone at the intersection of the curbline on the west side of M.L. King, Jr. Ave., SE and the curbline on the north side of Lebaum St., SE, proceed east along the curbline on the north side of Lebaum St., SE to the intersection on the east curbline of 7th St., SE. Proceed south to the intersection of the curbline on the south side of Raleigh Pl., SE. Proceed west along the curbline on the south side of Raleigh Pl., SE to the intersection of the curbline on the west side of M.L. King, Jr. Ave., SE and the curbline on the south side of Raleigh Pl., SE. Proceed north finally returning to the starting point.

I see the word “curbline” a few hundred times and then a bunch of words jumbled together that I can’t map in my head. It’s like watching wrestling on Telemundo; “Spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish HULK HOGAN, spanish spanish spanish spanish RANDY MACHO MAN SAVAGE spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish MEAN GENE OKERLAND spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL!!!!”

2) A woman congregates with 1 or more people with no apparent reason or destination. The Problem: Have you ever seen Adams Morgan after last call? Besides the few drunks intent on making it to Jumbo Slice or ORIGINAL Jumbo Slice, or THE REAL ORIGINAL Jumbo Slice, most people are just congregating with no official purpose except to sober up their drunk designated driver, peruse for free non-prostitute sex, or to be drunk, stammer around, and babble to anyone that will listen. All of which moves you on to Step 3.

3) After the DC Police disperses (cockblocks or the female equivalent) you, then you have a reasonable amount of time to disappear. Again ladies, you have one friend on a Grail Quest to get a Jumbo slice, one who is stalking her X-boyfriend’s new girlfriend in an attempt to start a fight, your designated driver is throwing up on Q street, and another friend left her purse and phone at Madam’s Organ. So if you can’t round up this rag tag gaggle of skanky ladies and get passed the imaginary curbline discussed earlier then you are moving onto Step 4 and are eligible for search.

Calling all sluts. Hurry up!!! DISPERSE!!!!!

4) Now, if you get to this stage and you are searched, you will be arrested for prostitution if you are carrying 3 or more condoms. Now, Miss Manners may claim it is unladylike to carry 3 condoms, but I can imagine at least 20 scenarios where this is reasonable thing for a woman to do. Some of the scenarios are not flattering and while many women who need 3 condoms for one night on the town are likely to appear on Maury Povich at some point in their life, this does not make them prostitutes. BUT, the #1 reason why it’s perfectly reasonable to be carrying 3 condoms is so obvious that it makes this police practice laughable. CONDOMS COME IN PACKS OF THREE!!!

Real Life Hypothetical Scenario – Sally Barhop Goes to Jail

So, Sally Barhop, you are oblivious to the DC Prostitute Free Zones, dress in your normal Saturday night skank uniform and head into the District. Unknowingly and unluckily you end up at a bar inside and imaginary curbline on whatever street is now in the crosshairs of D.C. police.

The night continues on like most of your Saturday nights with your galpals; binge drinking, catfights, bumping and grinding on the dance floor, puking while Jenny Barhop holds your hair, then going back to the dance floor pukebreathed you make out with the first greasy slimebag that notices your roofieesque state. You then wander outside the club to get fresh air, forget why you are outside and where you friends are, and decide to start a conversation with the handsome gentlemen spending his Saturday night on the curb outside said club waiting for you (or any of the 100 clones that will come out after you).

Slutty Girls Do it For Free

Everything is normal up to this point until Joe Cop spots you speaking to this man within the confines of the Prostitute Free Zone and immediately cockblocks Johnny Sidewalk by informing you both that you are in said PFZ and must disperse. Neither you or Johnny Sidewalk are ready to give up on this budding romance so you both wander around looking for your friends to tell them you “have a ride” only to end up doing a full circle around the block, first stopping at CVS for a 3 pack of Trojan Ribbed.

Joe Cop sees you two again as you round the corner and under D.C. Law is now perfectly within his authority to perform his condom search. By my count you have just met requirements 1, 2, 3, and 4 under the D.C. Prostitution Free Zone laws.

So the described Saturday night scenario that would normally only end in a morning walk of shame for you to the nearest Metro station with a broken heel and shattered self worth, will now result in a trip to the local police station with a criminal charge that your parents will be oh so proud of. Oh well, they weren’t that proud of you anyway.

“Officer I swear, I’m not a prostitute, I’m just slutty.”

Jumping the Shark Quickie – Blossom

by: the Admiral

Jumping the Shark
The beginning of the end for a television program where the plot spins off into absurd story lines and ridiculous characterizations. The term refers to the episode of Happy Days where Fonzi literally jumped a shark.

In January of 1991 while the international community was distracted by the atrocities of Saddam Hussein and the first Persian Gulf War, the Admiral was concerned with a bigger tragedy beaming onto our television sets week after week. In my opinionation, that catastrophe was Blossom.

It didn’t take very long for Blossom to jump the shark. After in depth analysis I knew that the Jumping the Shark Moment would not be any later than Episode 2, “Blossom Blossoms,” where Blo gets her period. Upon much reflection and research I decided that this show actually jumped the shark in Season 1, Episode 1 with the introduction of the title character.

While we all liked Joey and loved Six, the travesty that is Blossom Russo ensured this show jumped the shark before its first commercial break (which in 1991, was probably for Hypercolor Tshirts).

I did not make this decision lightly and wanted to ensure an objective, not an emotional, analysis. So to ensure objectivity I played f*ck, marry, kill with Six, Blossom, and Joey. Six was the slam dunk f*ck, but when, as a straight guy, I was willing to marry Joey Lawrence just to ensure I could kill Blossom, I knew I made the right choice.

Whoa!! Blossom really sucks!!

The Motor City Miracle of the Canadian Football League

Canadian football seems to be sweeping the nation. With its basketball court end zones, 8 teams (yeaaahhh! everyone makes the playoffs . . . how Canadian), and the 55 yard line DBSF thought it appropriate to jump on the bandwagon and offer commentary on perhaps its most infamous play for those still unfamiliar with the game.



Okay, so the non-Expo/ Blue Jay Montreal team is playing Toronto. They're going to kick a field goal, and the holder was wise to line-up just left of the gigantic Wendy's sign.

The other option is to go for the mysterious one-pointer, which's existence is dubious at best. So the kicker goes wide ten yards but fortunately for him in the end zone that also serves as a high school lacrosse field on weekdays, one of the twelve players (no penalty for that twelfth, its standard) on the other team decides he's going to Devin Hester it.

As fate would have it if Devin Hester were Canadian his name would be something like Hunter Smith, so Devin-cum-Hunter has to punt it back out.

Inevitably upon receiving Devin's punt-punt return, somebody who looks like Jason Elam has to reciprocate and punt it back at Canadian Devin. Devin then goes Ronaldinho and tries to ground kick it to God knows who.

Eventually someone falls on Canadian Devin's second kick of the quarter minute, and the Canadian Football League (CFL) reminds every American that the CFL is like normal football with a Dungeons and Dragons amount of rules.

NBA Tweeting Bonanza

The hype over the he-said/ he-said Charlie Villanueva-Kevin Garnett Tweeter feud in one day has grown from blogging content to quasi-journalistic internet reporting. Hopefully, there was a misunderstanding and Garnett didn't say what Villanueva thought he heard.

But, in an era of instantaneous communication DBSF thought it appropriate to review tweets to give readers some understanding of its prevalence and use in the NBA.

Al Harrington, Denver Nuggets, F: (9:32pm) "Worst part about plyng w/ Melo and JR? They shoot when I want too"

Chris Bosh, Miami Heat, F: (4:02pm) "Scoring 30+ a game was much more feasible when Demar Derozen and Jarrett Jack were the other options"

Chris Paul, NO Hornets, G: (3:39pm) "4-0 on a team where DJ Mbenga plays 10 minutes a night? DJ couldn't play on Duke. Give me LeBron and Bosh we'll win the Title and the NFC West."

Hasheem Thabeet, Memphis Grizzlies, C: (8:09pm/ in-game Tweet) "Oh God, please God, don't let them call my name. Please, don't have them put me in the game. Keep me safe here on the bench."

OJ Mayo, Memphis Grizzlies, G: (8:15pm/ another Grizzlies in-game Tweet) "Yo, coach said somethin' 'bout set a pick then box out; all I hurd wuz shoot, shoot, and shoot again. Word."

Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs, C: (10:27pm) "Frankly, I don't understand a darn thing JR Smith says on the court."

Nick Young, Washington Wizards, G: (1:01pm) "All my peoplz. Why can't basketball be like football? Some mans be playin' offense, some playin' defense. I ain't tryin to scuff my shoes playin' D and chasin' people all aroun'"

Lance Stephenson, Indiana Pacers, G: (9:09pm) "So, how does the D-League thing work? Do they tell you, or do you show up to the arena one day and your name isn't above your locker? I'm feeling vulnerable."

AC Trip Report 1

by: the Admiral

ACTRO starts with the following 6 characters.

Me

My friends

Douchebag and his date

Cab valet

We’ll pick up the trip around 11pm after the concert three of us attended at the Music Box at the Borgata. After the show we had gambling to do, but the cab line at the Borgata was 90 minutes long. I told my cohorts that we would get the next cab, which was met with skepticism. I walked to the front of the line to speak to the valet.

“The next cab is mine.”

“It is?”

“Absolutely!”

“Sure thing, sir.”

I’m sure my male readers are thinking I used a Jedi mind trick to make this happen and you ladies are sure my rugged good looks and boyish charm were the key. These two options only work 35% and 90% of the time respectively, so I went with the very popular and always effective $20 bill. It’s always great to skip long lines, but I really got my money's worth from this transaction when the guy on a date that WAS at the front of the line enters the story.

whiny, douchey voice: “REALLY? COME ON MAN!!! I'M NEXT.”

I wanted to say something right away, but held back since the valet jumped in and embarrassed him for me…..

"Yeah, you are NEXT, after this guy and his friends, IF you stand behind that line and wait. Or you can go the back of the line if you want."

So I waved over, and the 3 of us loaded into the cab. Once in the cab I did give douchey date guy my best “sucks to be you” look, but when I wasn’t sure if it landed I switched to a very audible…..

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your date.”

Too dumbfounded to respond and afraid of being put at the back of the line he stood there defeated. But if the Karate Kid taught me anything it is that “Mercy is for the Weak” so I decided to kick him while he was down. I turned to the date and said…

"I wouldn't have made you wait an hour for a cab if you were my date, but I'm sure he's a great guy. You kids have fun tonight."

While the loser was now flustered, uncomfortable, and upset, the date gave me and my cohorts the “please take me with you” look. We then sped off so I didn’t see the awkward moment that had to have followed between these two, but odds are not looking good that douchebag date guy got laid on Saturday night.

If anyone thinks I come off as an a*hole in this story I should let you know that the guy was wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt absolving me from anything negative you have to say and confirming that he got what he deserved.

I won’t go into too many specifics today, but the rest of the evening was spent finding out if I was better at really, really drunk blackjack or blackout poker. It was done very scientifically using the following scientific methodology.

1) Got really, really drunk

2) Played blackjack for a few hours, continued to drink

3) Got blackout drunk

4) Switched to poker

I won $5 in the first half of the experiment and lost $500 in the second.

So, I can say, scientifically, that I’m better at really really drunk blackjack than I am at blackout poker. Next trip I will play poker first to see if I’m better at really really drunk poker or blackout blackjack.

That’s all for today. AC Trip Report #2 will either be specifics of my blackout poker battle against 9 Vietnamese dudes entitled “My Own Personal Vietnam” or the yet untitled 13 ways to almost, but not quite, get escorted by security from Bally’s. If you want one, the other, or neither, let me know in the comments below.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore Break NCAA Recruiting Rules, but Not Really . . .

The celebrisports blogosphere is a-humming with news that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore violated NCAA recruiting rules when they met with two Iowa basketball recruits at a University of Iowa football game. (Ashton is from Iowa, and as a fan of and donor to the Hawkeyes, it can be viewed as improper contact with a booster.)

But, the NCAA and the humming blogosphere miss that high school recruits, born in 1992 and 1993 have a faint understanding of Ashton Kutcher, and literally no idea who Demi Moore is. Let's start with Ashton. An indisputable star, Ashton is likely best known for Punk'd, which ran from 2003 to 2007. In the mid-2000s these kids were tweens and watching the likes of Even Stevens, and Ed, Edd, and Eddy.

With respect to movies, the recruits probably missed 'What Happens in Vegas' and 'Valentine's Day'. (In fact, as irony would have it, the writers and editors of 'Valentine's Day missed the film too. Or, at least they missed the production portion of filming, and were only able to catch it during its 4 day run in movie theaters.)

As for Moore (another undeniable superstar), these recruits' parents probably hadn't even met when St. Elmo's Fire was released. If you're born in 1993, DBSF has to believe you don't know who Rob Lowe or Andrew McCarthy are. As such, these kids were alive during the GI Jane/ The Juror stage of Moore's career, which, well, you didn't see either movie, did you?

So, give the Hawkeyes a break. It's not like the recruits were allowed to meet Emilio Estevez