Steve Nash Haircuts: A Retrospective

Euro-by-way-of-Argentina midfielder-cut.

What are labels? What is "emo"? I play emotional rock music.

Twink-baller.

This is the "I was a Vivid mule for much of the late 90's. Did like 180 movies between '98 and '02" look. Sadly, that's the same same haircut of the guy overdoses on H in '04 but slightly less sadly, a few months prior he procured a pretty wicked used Dodge Viper, which went close to a month without getting totaled.

Post-Aniston Rachel-cut--same bounce, less layering.

This is the haircut of every white guy that can reeeaallllly hoop. None of that white-chocolate styling--straight fade on the bottom, reasonably neatly cropped on top.

Also, Ravens 29 - 49ers 21 . . . 

Why is it a problem?

The Manti Te'o hoax/ non-hoax/ whatever looks to be finally coming to a close. After all the interviews and ESPN coverage with excellent analysis from experts on non- and quasi-existing and/ or imagined human beings we've learned nothing other than what we knew when it began--Te'o was either the victim of a ploy that is the basis of 80% of MTV's current programming or he made it up, which is of 'Kardashian perspective on monetary policy' significant.

What is interesting however is that Te'o's made/ non-made-up girlfriend is affecting his draft status  . . . and adversely! There are rumors that he could fall out of the top ten and into the second round. Now any number of Oakland Raider LBs or NFL players' whose names rhyme with Boethlisberger give means to suspect a player on criminal grounds, especially in the latter case if the criminality involves women.

But do you know how many imaginary GFs have been assaulted, pushed or served as a co-complainant in some public intoxication escapade? Probably not too many. So any time a potential NFL player decides or is duped into believing that an imaginary GF or, heck, an imaginary entourage exists then it can only be a bonus for an NFL organization because any disturbance, violence or general deviance associated with that player can only be self-imposed. Yeah, bro, yell at that non-existent friend all you want. Heck, kill him/ her and recreate him/ her once you get over it. If nothing the imaginary GF fiasco should increase Te'o's draft stock.

Draft, Action "Sports" et al Stuff

Virginia Tech QB Logan Thomas told the team that he will return for his fifth and final season with the Hokies . Prior to the Russell Athletic Bowl--which if media organizations, like Yahoo! or the AP didn't want to be condescending would just say "prior to a bowl game"--Thomas was undecided on entering the draft and was waiting to hear if the "draft advisory board suggested he could be a first-round draft choice". Presumably this was a draft for the armed services as Thomas's accuracy wouldn't qualify him for the first round a UFL Supplemental Draft.The Yahoo! article goes on to state that "early draft projections had him ranked highly among quarterbacks because of his size and running ability, which have drawn comparisons to Cam Newton." In other words he's a bigger, black QB with better mobility than Jared Lorenzen. As after that the similarities with Newton cease.

Also the action "sports" world received a shock when its only other non-Kelly Slater name, Shaun White, announced that he won't be competing in skateboarding in 2013 so he can focus on snowboarding half-pipes. This news came as a serious concern for some. Yes, there are minor global political and economic inconveniences, like the US Government potentially defaulting on its financial obligations for the first time in over thirty years, the Syrian government allegedly using chemical weapons against its own people, and primarily foreign Islamists potentially conquering an entire African nation, but more importantly a 26 year old from Carlsbad needs to take time off his busy skateboarding schedule to refocus his professional goals on snowboarding, which to 99.99999% of the world is skateboarding on snow.

Finally, with only three NFL games left there's no point in not projecting Conference Championships, however based on last week, this should serve as a guide to bet on the opposite outcome: San Fran 23 -- Atlanta 17. Bearish on Kaepernick. Bearerish on Atlanta sports in general. New England 27 -- Bahl-i-murr 24. Brady is a machine and it will likely come down to the last play, which hopefully won't end with a Brazillian supermodel in a luxury box jumping up and down while clutching a bottle of water and a purse the cost of a public school principal's annual salary.

Divisional Predictions

Wildcard predictions were 50/ 50 range, which is on par with what you'd expect from a young child or an aunt who doesn't watch football because she "doesn't know what channel it's on" yet inevitably wins three out of four quarters in each year's Superbowl score squares-lottery. Green Bay was accurate, Baltimore gave more offense than projected and if Dalton didn't overthrow AJ Green Cincinnati would have been quite close. The main outlier was Washington, which included a qualified prediction dependent upon the health of RG3's knee. The Skins' prediction looked good through the first quarter when they jumped out to a 14-0 lead but everything deteriorated after RG3 re-aggravated his knee injury. On to the divisionals:

Denver 31 -- Baltimore 13: The projection includes an expected conservative field goal on 4th and a very short goal to-go for Denver as well as an uncharacteristic Peyton Manning turnover on Baltimore's side of the field. In other words, this game could have easily been a thirty point blow-out. Peyton has won 9 straight verse the Ravens and less than a month ago the Broncos won by 17 in Baltimore and were up 28 at one point in the fourth quarter. The return-of-Ray-effect won't offset the fact that in terms of yards per game the Broncos were the third best in defending the pass and the run and that they led the league in sacks, which is a critical statistic in the NFL, where one sack effectively ends a drive. Considering that Denver averaged over 3 sacks a game and that there are 12-13 drives per game per team then teams essentially are forced to play Denver on offense for three quarters (9ish drives) as opposed to four (12-13).

Green Bay 28 -- San Francisco 24: The Packers lost week one at home to an Alex Smith led San Fran team. San Fran's defense is far superior to Green Bay's but here's the thing--in the last three games of the regular season Aaron Rodgers threw for 10 TDs and 0 pics. Despite last week's minor drop off (although he did complete 70% of his passes and the Packers always led comfortably so he was never really forced to air it out) Rodgers is in a zone where he's going to contribute to 4-5 scores 3 of which will likely be TDs. As a result, Kaepernick has to come up with at least 24 points or hope for a defensive score. Barring a fortuitous 49ers' fumble recovery this isn't likely. This game will be closer than last week for Green Bay and they may even have to come from behind in the fourth quarter but San Fran won't be able to keep pace with Green Bay's offense.

Atlanta 24 -- Seattle 14: If RG3's knee stays healthy, Russell Wilson has to air it out 4 out of 5 plays starting in the second quarter, the Skin's defense knows it and the Seahawks get clobbered. Still not over missing last week's call on account of an injury that in itself was highly likely. This should be the least entertaining game of the weekend and Atlanta will lead the entire game save a possible Seahawk FG to start the game. The score is going to go something like: ATL 14-0; 14-7; 17-7; 17-14; 24-14.

New England 38 -- Houston 17: Matt Schaub has now thrown one TD to four interceptions over his last five games. While Brady has thrown four pics in his last four games he's also thrown 9 TDs. The last time these teams plays four weeks ago it looked more like the Patriots were playing the University of Houston (sans Clyde Drexler/ David Klingler appearance). With this being the late game on Sunday, CBS programming executives should have no concern over potential delays to airing the regularly scheduled 60 Minutes at the conclusion of the game.

Wildcard Predictions

Cincinnati 20 -- Houston 16
Houston has lost three of its last four. Prior to that they beat Tennessee by 14, Detroit by 3, Chicago by 7 and Buffalo by 12--not the way to enter the playoffs. The Bengals, on the other hand, would be on an 8-game winning streak save a last second loss to an emotionally-charged Cowboys' team. This is a risk because Cincy only has two wins against playoff teams this season, but considering that Matt Schaub has 3 pics to only 1 TD over his last four games makes the Bengals the safer bet by default.

Green Bay 31 -- Minnesota 17
The Vikings finished the season extremely strong knocking off two potential playoff teams and the two three seeds in its final four games. Despite the loss last week Aaron Rodgers is having another Madden-on-rookie-difficulty season and the combination of home field, the Lambeau atmosphere, and the fact that Adrian Peterson can't throw and run the ball should ensure a relatively comfortable win for the Packers. Christian Ponder has already exceeded expectations based on this season alone. However he's also thrown for under 100 yards three times. Prediction: Rodgers completes 70% of his passes for 362 yards, 3 TDs, and 0 interceptions.

Baltimore 16 -- Indianapolis 13 
Indianapolis--or any team not with a quarterback named "Joe Flacco"--is tempting here but their 11 win season is inflated by their dismal previous season, which granted them an easy schedule. Further the Colts are the only team in the playoffs with a negative point differential. (In fact, their -30 puts them behind eight non-playoff teams: Steelers, Dolphins, Chargers, Giants, Bears, Panthers, Saints, and Bucs.) The psychological surge that the Ravens get from the return of a retiring Ray Lewis should be enough to get them into the Divisionals.

Washington 31 -- Seattle 20
This is the hardest game to pick because the status of RG3's knee makes it either a blow-out or it comes down to the final two minutes. 31-20 reflects the mean of those two outcomes. Two important facts. First, Russell Wilson hasn't had a bad game since week 7. He is due and it will occur this week, which is compounded by number two. Washington sports fans have become so desperate for winning that that they've spent most of the twenty-first century rallying around a Russian hockey team that plays at the Wizards' Verizon Center for a few months out of the year. Considering that the Redskins are the only professional sports team that matters in the city and that Robert Griffin III has achieved a level of reverence among Washington fans that surpasses that of monotheistic deities, Fedex Field at Raldjon/ Landover will make Seattle's CenturyLink Field look like an Atlanta Hawks' home pre-season game. Stampedes occur with less exigence than there will be Sunday night at Fedex. Skins win. And likely big.

Grounds for Contraction?

The Wizards are in the midst of an 8 game losing streak. The organization started the season with a 12 game losing streak and has somehow compiled two losing streaks equaling 20 losses in just their first 24 games. What's more concerning is that the 7-win Charlotte Bobcats currently hold/ are floundering in the longest losing streak at 16 games. Injuries, poor drafting and marquee free agents reluctance to sign with perennial under-achievers contribute every season to disparity in the NBA.

But what teams, like the Wizards and Bobcats, really illustrate is that there are not 150 (30 teams x 5 starters) NBA-quality basketball players. (Or more likely there probably are around 150 and maybe slightly more but many players that would thrive on the Wizards or Bobcats prefer a bench role on more talented and promising teams.) On their current rosters, the Wizards have 4 former NBDL players and the Bobcats have 3 that contribute significant minutes. While other teams rely on DL alumni there seems to be an indirect correlation between NBDL-alumni minutes played and winning percentage.

No matter what the number of teams there will always be cellar-dwellers however the Bobcats and Wizards present evidence that there is some combination of an inadequate supply of healthy, NBA-quality basketball players and/ or demand of such players to join such struggling organizations.

NFL Playoff Seeding Projections

After Monday night's loss the Jets are no longer eligible for the playoffs, which is of note only because for the first time in history an NFL team replaced its starting QB with its third stringer rather than its second--in this case Tim Tebow, whom next year will likely enhance the sanctity of the Arena Football League at the cost of precipitously reducing league average completion percentage. Other prognostications:

AFC
1. Houston Texans: Nope. Don't buy it. See December 10, 2012 and November 18, 2012. If you have to come back at home to beat the Jaguars you deserve to lose/ lack legitimacy. If the Texans play the Ravens and the Ravens defense is moderately healthy they'll lose at home in the divisional game.

2. Denver Broncos: Broncos or the Patriots will most likely represent the AFC in the Superbowl. Assuming this seeding plays out the divisional series between the Patriots and Broncos will represent the AFC Championship. If Manning can turn the ball over 1 or fewer times then the Broncos should win and then beat the Texans in Houston by about 6.

3. New England Patriots: Probably the best team in the NFL as long as Peyton Manning isn't on the other sideline. Sure they recently lost to the 49ers but Belichick probably orchestrated the loss because he recognized the danger of going into the playoffs on a potentially 10 win playoff streak. Superbowl winners aren't long distance runners; they're sprinters that catch their stride at the right time.

4. Baltimore Raves: Should be a contender but they drafted a QB out of the University of Delaware, who no matter how many impressive 4-game streaks he gives you is constrained by the same intrinsic qualities that led to Delaware being the best college that recruited him after he transferred from the University of Pittsburgh.

5 (WC). Indianapolis Colts: Luck's foray into the playoffs. There will be much talk of it being a precursor of great post-season things to come. If the Ravens' defense remains depleted the Colts may pull out a win, if, however, they are healthy Luck will probably throw for 4 pics and a lot of yards and maybe a score late thus mitigating a blow-out.

6 (WC). Cincinnati Bengals: Any year now the Bengals will return to form. Dalton is closing the season out strong (11 TDs and 3 pics in last 6 games) but if the Bengals have to go into Foxboro then the likelihood for success approaches that of the Dave Shula days.

NFC
1. Atlanta Falcons: See note on Texans but replace dates with November 25 and December 9. They'll most likely make it to the conference championship simply because they'll face either a rookie QB or Jay Cutler on the road, which isn't saying much of a difference.

2. Green Bay Packers: If only the Playoffs consisted of your divisional opponents. That's not the case and what are left are four teams currently scheduled to make the playoffs that contributed to the Packers' four losses.

3. San Francisco 49ers: You cannot tie and lose/ almost tie again the St. Louis Rams and expect good things to happen when the NFL filters out its waste and all that remains are 10 or so competitive to good teams. Colin Kapernick hasn't had a bad game yet and one is due. Presumably it will occur in the playoffs and end the 49ers season.

4. Washington Redskins: It would only be fitting that RG3 lead the Skins to their second playoff win since the  terrorist attacks on 9-11. As long as the Skins avoid a divisional opponent and the 49ers in the playoffs they will represent the NFC in the Superbowl.

5 (WC). Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler cannot, under any circumstance, give his team 4 good games, which is necessary to win a Superbowl out of the Wildcard. Three is possible, two a near certainty but his addiction to gun-slinging 25 yards down the field into triple coverage prohibits the possibility of any more consecutive wins.

6 (WC). NY Giants: Based on prior seasons, the Giants would be situated perfectly for a Superbowl win at the final Wild Card spot but their recent inconsistency is concerning. If the Giants thrash the Ravens there will be grounds for optimism. However Eli has about reached his average interception total for the season but is around 10 off his TD total.

The $40M Third Baseperson

Perpetually hating the Yankees is allowed and never considered needlessly resentful because in the one major sports' league without a salary cap, the Yanks have come to epitomize the absolute depravity and worst of free agency. They're basically the Sodom and Gomorrah of free agency. If those "pro-family" organizations that for all the troubles and needs this world faces have somehow decided to focus all of their attention on preventing two people of the same sex from ever being able to share a civil union dedicated a fraction of their time to eliminating the ills of profligate free agency the Yankees would represent the tree in the hyperbole of "well if we let two men marry, who's to say some man won't wanna marry his dog or a tree".

(Surprisingly simple solution to this issue--write legislation so only "two human beings" can marry. Literally that problem is now void. Aside #2: Ironically it seems the "pro-family" crowd is rather anti-anything government so then what does it matter that some viciously flagrant violation of the Constitution, i.e., a local municipality, provides a civil service? Isn't any form or iteration government--that, of course doesn't directly benefit pro-familiers--in itself void?) 

So it comes as great joy to many sports fans that the Yankees are scheduled this year to pay $28M to AROD, who not only only is a mediocre third baseperson when he does play but now will collect Eritrea's GDP while sitting on the bench and recovering from a hip injury. In his place they've signed Kevin Youkilis, who makes it all the more sweeter as he starred for years with the Yankees' arch-rivals the Boston Red Sox, for $12M, which means the organization will be paying at least $40M for a 33 year old third baseperson (Youkilis) that batted a career low .235 last year. Should Youkilis get injured the team will probably have to fork out more money for a premier name, like Placido Polanco or Scott Rolen (who if it was the year the Yankees originally signed AROD would be a great alternative). Basically, the Yankees are spending in one year on a declining third baseperson an amount that totals more than two entire MLB rosters in 2010 and one roster in 2011, which is entertaining to all non-Yankee fans as well as that large contingent of Yankees' fans that only begins cheering for them once they make the ALCS. 

"Tonight was an away game, and we won. We won on the road at home. How crazy is that?" -- MW

The Wizards beat the Heat in a game LeBron went fora triple-double, Bosh for a double-double, Allen and Miller combined for 6 threes, and LeBron, Bosh and DWade all scored over 20 points. A Sportscenter intern needs to crunch some numbers and figure out the last time those three went for twenty, Bron Bron dropped a triple-double and they lost. Did the Wizards win because RG3 sat court-side? Couldn't have hurt considering it was likely the first time that season that Wizards' fans knew the name of one of Washington's athletes.

Martell Webster, who likely takes that 'every game is the start of a new season, we have no record' philosophy to the degree that he suffers from cognitive lapses concerning the Wizards' winning percentage, lamented "I mean, did you guys not hear the announcements? It’s like, Chris Singleton, yay. They call LeBron’s name, and it’s like, jeez. Tonight was an away game, and we won. We won on the road at home. How crazy is that?"  That's right Martell. People aren't going to pay upwards of $100 (or 300X that for a real team) to watch a D-League runner-up. Fans are paying to see LeBron & co and will cheer accordingly

Explanations for the win are manifold. In addition to RG3's presence, analysts point to the facts that the team got quality minutes for just the fifth time this season from their best player, Nene, that the Heat overlooked the one-win Wizards, and that the team had been in many close games before so it was only a matter of time until one of those games went the Wizards' way. Others have pointed to a season high  in assists for the team, which bodes well for any basketball team but especially the Wizards because it means that Jordan Crawford didn't dribble the ball four times past half-court and hoist at the first smell of an open shot and instead passed to high percentage scorers, like Nene and Seraphin.

Head coach Randy Wittman provided the classix us-versus-the-world explanations: "I told the guys, the only people that really think you have a chance tonight is us here right in this room. [The media] don't believe, the outside didn't believe, and I said we need to have a statement game. What better opportunity to come and play in front of the fans that we knew were going to be here and beat this team. They took it to heart."

Basketball is interesting and differs from other major sports in that it doesn't have a farm system. (Yes, there is the D-League but that's where hopelessly over-drafted picks go to whither while GMs pray some other acquisition can save their job or the likes of Carmelo Anthony's little brother and his friends get to play organized basketball while enhancing their occupational stature for nightclubbing ) Baseball and hockey have their minor leagues and football has the SEC and the fact that most players are in college (including red-shirting) for at least a full four years.

In basketball perennially under-performing teams almost never get premium quality free agents (and have to overpay for mediocre ones), which means they have to build through the draft. The Wizards have been building for half a decade with no sign of an end to construction in sight. Because of the absence of a legitimate farm league, the Wizards regularly field players, like Bradely Beal and Jan Vesely, whom while one day could potentially succeed, in the present have no reason to be on an NBA basketball court. So how did the Wizards win?

As in all professional sports grossly out-matched teams occasionally win when fans make such a mockery of their relative futility in comparison to an opponent that  players begin to question their own dignity and self-respect. (The media aggrandizes such spectacle as when an hour prior to the game Sportscenter ran multiple segments about the stark difference between the teams while analysts mockingly prognosticated blow-out scores.) Despite the fact that three-quarters of the Wizards wouldn't make the Heat's roster all were AAU, high school and Division 1 superstars so, save Michael Olowokandi or Adam Morrison, every NBAer has exceptional potential and on the right night can compete with any level of talent. Fortunately for the Wizards that right night came against the Heat and was aided by a sports meme arising in reaction to the absurdity of the match-up in the first place.

LeBron James in Two Years and Two Commercials

Much has been discussed of LeBron's desire to shed the villain image he earned after so acrimoniously departing the Cavaliers for a South Beach team with nobody named Jawad Williams or Antawn Jamison on it. His "Rise" Nike commercial in response to the backlash to "The Decision" epitomized LeBron's effort to cast himself as some dissident anti-hero (with explicit homage to Barkley's "I'm not a role model"). It was almost like LeBron (perhaps at the behest of his courtiers) sought to rebrand himself as the next Kobe or Jordan. But there's no marketing or branding or recreating a Kobe/  Jordan. Those two are supernaturally egomaniacal. They're competition addicts that unlike the rest of humanity are incapable of basking in success. For them competition feeds a beast that always wants more. Only in the immediate aftermath of epochal successes (i.e., NBA Titles) will they hug a trophy and exhibit short-term exigence. But that wears off and they're back jonesing  and expecting to repeat the feat but next time with greater intensity. "Not five rings? Not six rings? . . . " That wasn't LeBron. That was LeBron impersonating what he thinks Jordan or Kobe would think or say. Save his fingernail-biting LeBron doesn't possess that sort of obsessive compulsive, fixated mentality. His gift is that he's the closest thing to superhuman that this generation of humans will witness. It's a combination of spectacular work ethic, intelligence and an ability to transport a large amount of mass with nonhuman speed and quickness. The commercial ends with LeBron asking, "Should I be who you want me to be?"

Which in this more recent commercial LeBron answers that he wants to be who he thinks you [fans] want him to be. After winning his first title, LeBron joins Samsung and fans are introduced to a debranded (or, unrebranded) LeBron. Where in the "Rise" commercial LeBron basically mocks fans for thinking they could understand his position or have an idea what it takes to win a title, the Samsung commercial opens from almost the exact opposite perspective. LeBron is making breakfast for his sons, sharing bites of cereal with them, playfully goofing around over a silly picture, and the scene ends with a shot of (presumably) his fiancee and a text from Magic Johnson, a much more respectable and likable basketball analyst than the "friends (read entourage)" he cites in the "Rise" commercial. So LeBron, the family man. The rest of the commercial consists of a lighthearted man-of-the-people montage: driving through Miami while enamored kids chase after him, stopping to take pictures with fans, visiting a pedestrian barber shop, and taking a call from a coach from his amateur days to remind us that LeBron hasn't changed (kind of mash-up of JLo's "Jenny from the Block" and Us Weekly's "Celebs are just like us" segments). None of this is to say that this 'new' LeBron is disingenuous; rather LeBron won his title and now seems confident in how he wants to present his public image.