Intergalactic Planetary

By: the Admiral

I’ve never tried to hide my predilection for 80s movies & TV. A recurring theme throughout numerous 80s movie is the fun-loving, humorous and/or evil, destructive robot. In honor of these robots that have brought such joy to the world today we will have round 1 of our single elimination Robot Madness Tournament.

These battles do have some parameters, including consideration of the robots’ cool factor, badassness, and human acquaintances. This is not to say that individual ratings of these thespians of artificial intelligence will be objective, scientific, or evenly applied. Basically, I’m just going to pick one.

VS

Optimus Prime from Transformers vs. Scooter from GoBots

There was a reason growing up that the GoBots were referred to as the GhettoBots. If you were poor or your parents didn’t love you then you would run downstairs on Christmas morning hoping and praying that your brand new Optimus Prime Transformer was waiting under the tree to be opened only to find a Scooter the Gobot. GoBots were singularly responsible for decades of estrangement between parents and many kids who grew up in the 80s; and when you add in the cost of the years of therapy it took me, I mean takes people, to get over it you would think that parents could have dropped the $14.95 for a real Transformer instead of the $3.95 Gobot. My Christmas Gobot died before New Years at the hands of my WWF Iron Sheik action figure armed with an Acqua Net hairspray/Zippo flamethrower. Winner: Tranformers

VS.

Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons vs. Lisa from Weird Science

Lisa loses points for the imminent controversy over the fact that she technically is not a robot, but is more of a supernatural being created by hacking into government computers. She gains points for being uber-hot. This close battle is decided by the fact that Lisa pulled a gun on Anthony Michael Hall’s parents and turned Chet into a pile of shit. Winner: Lisa

VS.

Data from Star Trek: the Next Generation vs. HAL9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey

They both spent their lives in government jobs working on spaceships. Besides HAL’s attempt to kill all of his crewmates they both had pretty good personalities, but HAL had no body while Data was a humanoid. What’s the point of having a cool robot if you can’t dress him up like Sherlock Holmes for a murder mystery weekend? This was another close contest but you have to tip the scales to Data when you realize that he is a dead ringer for Balky Bartakamus from Perfect Strangers. Winner: Data

VS.

Cambot, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy, and Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 vs. Conky 2000 from Pee Wee’s Playhouse

The Mystery Science Theatre crew would fry bammas and make sarcastic remarks while watching various films and TV shows. It was basically the precursor to my “at the Movies” segment. All Conky 2000 ever did was spit out PeeWee’s Word of the Day that would make him and his creepy friends go ape shit. All I know is that if I’m in a theatre and have to pick between hanging with my MST3000 idols and a child molester that publically masturbates at movies it is kind of a no brainer; although Pee Wee does have a pretty cool bike. Winner: MST Crew

VS.

C3PO from Star Wars vs. T800 Terminator from Terminator

C3PO whined incessantly and would hide at even the hint of danger but he was not a total coward. Just the opposite, he was a brave pioneer that let other androids know that it was okay to be a gay robot. Before C3PO blazed the trail robots lived under a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Rumors that cancellation of this policy would result in flaming automatons filling the streets have proven to be a huge exaggeration. C3PO is a real American hero, at least in the homosexual android community. The T800 Terminator on the other hand has tried to set gay rights back 100 years. After unsuccessfully eliminating both Sarah and John Connor in 84 and 91 he cleaned up his image and ran for governor of California where he did nothing to stop the ratification of Proposition 8, diminishing not only gay rights, but putting us on a slippery slope towards the eradication of all of our civil liberties.

VS.

Vicki from Small Wonder vs. K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider

I may have paid $2600 on EBay back in 1995 to buy the above pictured photo with autographs of the entire Small Wonder cast, but that does not mean my analysis will be biased. If anything I was trying to complete my set of Emily Shulman (neighbor Harriet) collectibles. Vicki is a specific type of robot, a Voice Input Child Identicant (V.I.C.I., Vicki for short), and was most likely a hobby and distraction for child molesting Ted Lawson. I have to admit that I’ve watched more than a few episodes of Small Wonder, but when you are 7 years old, there are not a lot of ways to kill 30 minutes before Alf . K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries Two Thousand) on the other hand was the epitome of cool, as long as you think a 1982 Pontiac Firebird and David Hasselhoff are cool. And while Vicki’s features included bad jokes and low budget sitcom antics, KITT had Advanced AI, an Alpha Circuit, a Molecular Bonded Shell, Pyrolastic Lamination, Turbo Boost, Voice Synthesizer, Anamorphic Equalizer, Etymotic Equalizer, Olfactory Sensor, Microscanners, 3 Cruise Modes (Normal, Auto, Pursuit), Silent Mode, Grappling Hook with Wench, Oil Jets, Smoke Screen, Flamethrower, Tear Gas Launcher, Ultramagnesium Charges, Telephone Comlink, Microwave Jammer, Infared Tracking Scope, Laser Powerpack, Deflatable Tires, Seat Ejection System, Video Display Monitors, Ultraphonic Chemical Analyzer, a dot matrix Printer, Interior Oxygenator, Two Wheel Ski Drive Mod, Third Stage Acquatic Synthensizer, and a Convertible Roof. The winner is obvious. Winner: Vicki from Small Wonder

Robot Bill from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey VS. Sentinels from the Matrix Trilogy

Both of these robots get high marks because their sole purpose for existence is to destroy the life of Keanu Reeves. So what it comes down to is which Keanu Reeves I hate more, Ted “Theodore” Logan or Thomas “Neo” Anderson. If we were just considering the original Matrix it would be close, but the Matrix sequels were so retarded that I would do anything to eradicate Neo. Winner: Sentinels

VS.

Larry Fine Robot from Revenge of the Nerds vs. Robot from Beastie Boys Intergalactic Video

There is a cool scene from the Beastie Boy’s Intergalactic Video where the robot is dancing and starts doing the robot. My question is, when he goes out with his robot friends to the club and starts doing the robot, do they say, “LOOK, he is doing the robot!” or do they say, “LOOK he is dancing!” Anyway, this one isn’t even close; even though the Intergalactic Video is cool and Larry Fine Robot has very few lines in Revenge of the Nerds he wins this matchup hands down for just for having a cameo in one of the greatest films ever made. I recently watched Revenge of the Nerds for the 212^th time and have moved it from the top 10 to possibly the 3^rd greatest movie ever made. And while John Goodman’s “When you were a baby in your crib……” scene is Oscar-worthy and one of the best movie scenes ever my new favorite scene is Bernie Casey as the head of the TriLambs national chapter, U.N. Jefferson, meeting the nerds for the first time.

“But I must tell you gentlemen, you have very little chance of becoming Tri-Lambdas. I’m in a difficult situation here. I mean, after all…..you’re nerds.”

Bernie Casey’s half smile and smug matter of factness puts the nerds in their place, but does it with dignity and respect. I can see how he became the head of TriLambda. Winner: Larry Fine Robot

I don’t want to offend anyone so would like to give honorable mention to robots that were on the bubble, but did not make the tournament, including RoboCop, Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, R2D2, Voltron, the Iron Giant, the Tinman from Wizard of Oz, the robot shark from Jaws, and the Roomba that is currently vacuuming my living room.

NFL Analysis: USC Quarterbacks vs. Quarterbacks from SoCal who didn't go to USC

After last Monday night's "performance" by two USC quarterbacks (Mark Sanchez 10-21 for 74 yards; Matt Cassel 10-22 for 68 yards) that make Tavaris Jackson look like Dan Marino, DBSF thought it appropriate to compare the NFL's USC quarterbacks to other QBs from Southern California, who didn't go to USC.

Career numbers for current USC QBs in the NFL:
Matt Cassel 79.3 QBRTG, 58% Completion % (Take out the New England year and this guy's Akili Smith).
Mark Sanchez 62.7 QBRTG, 54% Completion % (Most overrated player in the NFL. He threw 12 TDs and 20 pics last year, but he had Darrelle Revis on his team so that made people think he wasn't a left-handed Brady Quinn.)
Matt Leinart 70.8 QBRTG, 57% Completion % (You know you're bad when you couldn't do anything with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin at wide receiver.)
Carson Palmer 88.0 QBRTG, 63% Completion % (Grant it, when he's healthy he's good . . .)

Career numbers for SoCal kids who didn't go to USC:
Tom Brady 93.6 QBRTG, 63% Completion % (Rumor has it that Brady's also won a post-season game or two.)
Aaron Rogers 96.6 QBRTG, 63% Completion % (Remember when he fell in the 1st round like Brady Quinn did? Well, that's the only similarity the two share.)
Warren Moon 81.0 QBRTG, 58% Completion % (If he spent those CFL years in the NFL, white people would have to invent a new passing metric so the PeytonToms of the League could own a record.)

So, there you have it: USC=we play better when we have NFL talent around us but not against us (and DBSF didn't even bring up John David Booty or Todd Marinovich).

US Wins Gold, Russian Coach Tucks Golf Shirt into Jeans

While most sports fans spent the weekend face deep in a mound of NFL excitement to make up for the 6.5 months of football-withdrawal jonesing they've suffered through, a critical moment in professional basketball occurred in Turkey.

Not only did the US win gold for the first time in 16 years (like FIFA, FIBA is played every 4 years) but while Bron Bron was skyboxing at Fedex Field in Raljon . . or, Landover, MD Kevin Durrant established himself as the greatest living basketball player. Besides averaging 23 ppg, 6 rbg, and 2apg (if these numbers don't seem impressive, keep in mind that in international ball defense is much more of a premium than in NBA) Durant made key play after key play to lead the Americans to the gold.

But, perhaps more important than Durant's ascendancy to basketball unequivocalness, to DBSF at least, is the Russian coach's bold fashion decision to tuck a Dry-Fit polo into dark stone-washed jeans. And, people try to say that Eastern Europeans are behind in their fashion?

DBSF's First First Lady

This picture of the First Lady catching a football in-stride, and then simulating like she's preparing for contact after the catch makes DBSF question how anyone can't love our young, athletic First Lady.

Of course, individuals may hold less favor for her husband (however, DBSF hates to break it to you but your perceptions of the President/ any President/ political figures are based a) slightly on your parents' views, and b) primarily on how you decide to interpret small packets of information you come across on the news or internet and make irrationally broad generalizations about the aforementioned individuals) but let us compare Mrs. Obama to the last three first ladies to put her in scope.

1. Laura Bush--Seems like a very nice lady; calm, likely nice to children. But, she gives off an aura to DBSF that if you like stepped on and accidentally broke one of her prize rhododendrons or azaleas while playing football by her front yard she would basically open up the gates of hell on your non-five-yard-out-catching self.

2. Hillary Clinton--Comes off as intelligent but DBSF feels like staffers have to regularly remind her why children aren't as smart as adults. Like she'll be at some photo-op reading JK Rowling to a collection of multicultural kids draped across a library floor and while she's waiting for the press to get settled to take their pictures Mrs. Clinton asks a pig-tailed 6 year old about her thoughts on US-Sino relations and China's questionable valuation of the Yuan and when the 6 year old just yawns then picks her nose, Mrs. Clinton is honestly--to her core--perplexed why the child can't address the question.

3. Barbara Bush--Knitting, walks, puzzles. Standard. White. Grandma.

Golden Colorado

Two of the most dominant young talents in Major League Baseball play for the Colorado Rockies. Unfortunately, because the attention deficit disorder that permeates American culture these two players--who could be the first teammates to win the NL Cy Young and MVP in the same season since Chris Carpenter and Albert Pujols did in 2005--possess the notoriety of third rung MMAers. (Author's Aside: How in fact is MMA classified? Are there wrungs, levels, weight classes? The "competition" seems to be based on the anti-concept of anarchy so DBSF always assumed someone just threw on some Stain'd or Puddle of Mudd and two red-staters hoped in the ring and went to town.)

In fact, unless you can answer that Buster Olney is A) A Confederate Civil War General (led at the battle of Shiloh), B) an ESPN baseball analyst, or C) Knocked Riddick Bowe out years after Bowe emitted even the faintest hint of relevancy then you likely have no idea who Ubaldo Jimenez and Carlos Gonzalez are. (In deference to transparency, until this morning when he saw a Sportscenter segment on Gonzalez, DBSF would have likely assumed he was a back-up short stop for the White Sox.)

As of today, Jimenez is in (distant) contention for the NL Cy Young and Gonzalez is not only beginning to solidify himself as the NL MVP (over Albert Pujols who is having his regular spectacular year) but, if he catches Pujols in HRs (Gonzalez is 4 behind) he could be the first NL player to win the triple crown since Joe Medwick in 1937.

Consider the numbers for the two: Jimenez 18-6, 2.79 ERA, and 178Ks in 190.1 IP. Not to mention, Jimenez plays half his games at Coors Field which with its light air imparts wiffle ball like qualities on most fly balls. Gonzalez .340 32 HRs, 100 RBIs, 94 runs, 23 SBs and (will likely be a gold glover). Gonzalez putts up Larry Walker w/ steroids numbers without the mullet (or the steroids). With Jimenez just turning 26 and Gonzalez still 24 the Rockies look well-positioned in the NL West.

At the Movies – Wall Street Part Deux

by: the Admiral

The concept and rating system for At the Movies can be found here.

________________________________________________________
Apparently every two years movie executives in need of a late summer cash cow have come up with a surefire way of padding their bottom line at the expense of an 80s classic. They just pick some of the greatest movies ever made (which is synonymous with saying 80s movies), throw $25 million at its original star without as much as showing him the script, and then drop in Shia Lebouf to make it relatable to the 13 to 23-year-old demographic.

In 2008 they turned arguably the best movie trilogy ever filmed on its head by pairing a dementia suffering, pants shitting, arthritic Harrison Ford with the previously mentioned Signor LeBouf in Indiana Jones 4 – Search for Grandpa Jones’ Car Keys

Now in 2010 they’ve put ShiLab* (nickname I’m copyrighting*) in an Armani suit, and by the looks of this movie poster have apparently pulled Michael Douglas’ corpse out of a graveyard, stuffed him full of hay, and installed an animatronic mouth on him in order for his propped up cadaver to have a few lines in this movie. It’s like a real life Weekend at Bernies.

Speaking of Weekend at Bernies, Universal Studios has just greenlighted production for the 2012 release of Weekend at Bernies 33 1/3 starring Andrew McCarthey once again as Larry Wilson, Shia Lebouf as a nondescript young hip guy whose lines will just be adlibbed during filming, and the decomposed skeletal remains of Bernie Lomax will be played by the decomposed skeletal remains of a dead drifter the head of Universal accidentally killed with his car while driving drunk on his way home from work.

Anyway, Indiana Jones and Bernie Lomax aside, ‘At the Movies’ only reviews movies that are currently at the Cineplex, so let’s refocus on Wall Street: Part Deux. Michael Douglas won an Academy Award for his 1987 portrayal of Wall Street cutthroat Gordon Gekko and that role has been widely praised as one of the greatest movie villains of all time. My instincts tell me that despite this pedigree, the entertainment value of the 2010 portrayal of Gordon Gekko is more likely to be on par with the Geico Gecko than anything else.

If the history of delayed sequels tells us anything (i.e. Rocky 6, Godfather 3, Indiana Jones 4, Gremlins 2, Basic Instinct 2, etc.), it is that even for some of the best movies ever made, the 5+ year hiatus is the death knell for sequels.

Michael Douglas was smart enough to steer clear of the 14 years in the making Basic Instinct 2, so I can only surmise that he took this current role because he needed a quick payday. Whether he and Catherine Zeta Jones are building a new Beverly Hills mansion or he needs hush money to cover up the murder, dismemberment, and disposal of her body, I just wish he had chosen a better project.

At the Movies Rating – 2 Meatballs

Italia Trip Report #5 – Italian Fashion

by: the Admiral

In general, Italians are traditionally better dressers than Americans. For example, while your toddler might just wear a Disney sweatshirt, the Italian child will wear his Mickey Mouse gear with a collared shirt, bow tie, and a pouty face.

And despite the 90+ degree weather (I guess technically it was 32.2 degrees C in Italy), gentleman could be seen wearing 3-piece suits and hats.

And the ladies wore respectable and fashionable dresses.

And even their birds dress better than ours do.

But despite the fact that most Italians traditionally dress better than we do, it does not mean that they all do. I witnessed and captured quite a few fashion faux pas.

Capturing these fashion disasters was actually pretty tricky. Its difficult to point a camera directly at someone walking or standing on the street, take a full frame photo of them, but simultaneously make them believe you are photographing some non-existent landmark directly behind them. After quite a few dirty looks and bewildered photo subjects I discovered that the best technique was to walk very far ahead of the person, turn around, zoom in to get the photo, and then stand there uselessly aiming the camera at the same spot until they’ve been out of frame for 6-8 seconds.

I went from being blatantly obvious that I was photographing people to being so incognito that I could start moonlighting as a photographer for the show ‘Cheaters.’

Now, the first fashion faux pas was witnessed everywhere. There was rampant flaunting of the color pink as if pink was the new black. Those in the know in the fashion community will tell you that pink went out in 2008 and all of these people need to go back to the drawing board.

Pink golf shirt, white shorts – FAIL

Pink button up, blue jeans – FAIL

And this guy can try and sell you on the fact that these pants are peach and that its a generally respectable outfit, but by my interpretation they are pink and the result is - FAIL

As if these pink pants were not bad enough, there is no way this guy on the left can tell me he is carrying a European Carry All. That sir, is a purse. And even if someone out there wants to argue that this is not a purse, there is no question that the below gentleman’s bag contains makeup, tampons, and other purseworthy items.

Kudos to this guy for trying to match his girlfriend’s pink hat, but

just because you marry it with black and white stripes, it does not make your pink striped shirt any better – FAIL

It wasn't so much the pink color that made me have such as issue with these pants, but I don’t want to say anything mean. Let’s just leave it at – FAIL

I could go on with the dozens of other photos of Italians with pink mistakes, but I would like to show you one pink piece that I approve of.

Not so excited about the knickerbockers, but as any Stanley Kubrick / Tom Cruise film can tell you, this pink number is your ticket into a secret wild debaucherous party at a far off mansion, as long as you have the password.

Is it just me or did the scene where Cruise says the password is “fidelio” and they ask him for the second password that he doesn’t know remind anyone of the time Steve Sanders tried to exchange an egg to get into a rave.

The next faux pas that I saw literally hundreds of, but was too grossed out to take too many photos was the old sweaty Italian man with only two, one, or zero buttons secured on his shirt. To keep this blog PG-13 I nixed the zero button photos and just included the small sample below to give you an idea of what I’m talking about.

Now, when it comes to accessories Italia offers very fashionable options. I saw nice cuff links, and these respectable ties, shoes, and belts shown below.

Despite these options, somehow this gentleman

decided it would be okay to wear aqua blue socks with strap on sandals. And as if this guys orange shirt and

and purse were not bad enough, he chose to accessorize it with a girl on his arm wearing saggy boxer shorts and a top that accentuates parts of her that don’t deserve accentuating.

This isn’t to say that I did not see anyone wearing accessories that I approved of. In particular, I liked that fact that every direction I looked someone was wearing an Admiral hat.

It’s just flattering to know that despite the fact that I can’t get one reader to participate in “Make Your Own Caption” that I do have fans across the globe that show their support for my blog so openly.

I originally was going to use these two in the fashion report, but things got a little hairy when I walked up to them and say, “hey fellas, want to be in my blog.” Turns out they were not fellas; honest mistake.

Now the top 5 worst fashion mistakes I witnessed in Italy.

#5

Booty shorts. I understand that it is a cultural thing that Europeans where Speedos at the beach, but there is no reason for a gentleman’s ball to make an appearance when sitting down at a cafe or walking down the street.

#4

I can forgive the bright orange color and the use of the tank top, but when did it become fashionable to wear a pregnancy suit under your clothes?

#3

I was surprised by the Italian reemergence of ‘Hammer’ pants. Everywhere I looked someone else was dressed as a genie and I suspect was moments away from yelling, “oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh” then side shuffling to their next destination. And while subtle Hammer pants can sometimes work on women, some people were just bringing it to a whole new level.

#2

Number 2 is questionable shirts in general. Some of the lowlights include this

tangerine top with ruffles, which I have to say does not do anything for this woman.

There is this old man’s plaid shirt, which I don’t have too much of a problem with, but when you are 90 years old, do not carry a 600 pound backpack, that is just a emergency, whether fashion or otherwise, waiting to happen.

The Hawaiian shirt, which alone is acceptable for a person of this man’s girth, but I can’t support when paired with highwater workout pants.

The ever popular, purple on purple. Also a dud.

The “I eats my spinach” shirt.

And the, “Yes, I do get beat up at school, how did you know?” shirt.

#1

The #1 fashion faux pas I experienced in Italy needs no commentary. Just look at this guy and be as shocked as I was when I turned the corner and spotted him. There are so many things wrong here that I would need a book, not a blog, to give a proper rundown.

As an honorable mention I’ve included this guy. The funny thing about him was that his clothes was actually very fashionable. The problem was that on him they looked awful because everything was 3 sizes too small and while the picture may not show it so well, he was standing on the water metro so proud of himself looking like the most confident man than ever lived. A man was never so proud of his look since John Travolta was getting dressed to go out in Saturday Night Fever. God bless him. I hope he stays happy and the Bee Gees continue to play in his head, at least until he walks in front of a mirror and his self image shatters into a million irreparable pieces.