UNC Underclassmen go Pro. Is One Tree Hill a Repeat Tonight?

UNC underclassmen, Harrison Barnes and Kendall Marshall, and Junior, John Henson, announced that they will forgo their last few years of dominating regular season college basketball only to do the opposite against equal to marginally less talented teams in the NCAA tourney. If freshman James McAdoo leaves for the draft then in addition to senior Tyler Zeller the Tar Heels should have 5 players go in the first fifteen to twenty pics of June's NBA draft.

Whether or not the four non-seniors go pro--while of great relevance in Chapel Hill--will be of 'UPN is combining with the WB to make the CW Network' relevance to the rest of us. (Well, Raptors' fans--or, Raptors' fan--will gain a week or two of pre-draft exuberance over Harrison Barnes' potential, only to be disappointed upon learning that the team spent yet another lottery pick on DeMar Derozan, who if the NBA gave regular season credit for dunk contest performances would have to put Toronto as a shoe in for tenth in the East.) With the exception of a few fast point guards and Psycho T (who's game and demeanor are worthy of their own Encylopedia Britanica), over the last decade UNC has contributed virtually the same one or two lottery picks each draft--tall, long, athletic, seemingly indifferent to the transpirings occurring before them in their career of choice, and surprisingly poor basketball players considering the number of AAU, high school and collegiate games they have stood on a court for (and this says nothing of the alleged practices in between all these games). Below is DBSF's take and ranking of Barnes, Marshall and Henson as NBAers.

1. Kendall Marshall -- Over the course of an entire career, it would be shocking if Marshall doesn't have the greatest impact on the league. His offense is far too limited and he's not the Wall/ Westbrook-caliber athlete to ever be a top tier point guard. (Yes, DBSF gets UNC fan's praise on how his jump shot has improved since last year. But guess what? Everyone in the NBA can shoot. Like literally Bismack Biyombo looks like Steve Kerr in warm-ups. It's the second world class athletes attempt to challenge every shot that shooting in the NBA gets tough. Don't get DBSF wrong. He's proud of Marshall for being able to find a few open looks on Terrell Stoglin. But, again, Terrell Stoglin ain't Rajon Rondo. Heck Stoglin ain't Luke Ridnour, athletically.) An upside comparison for Marshall is Derek Fisher.

2. John Henson -- He's long, can block shots and at times can be an exceptional defensive presence . . . Anthony Davis? . . . wait for it . . . he's often injured, he seems to view toughness as a fungible quality, his offense is limited . . .He's . . . Brandon Wright? Close enough. If you could combine Henson with the effort, toughness and heart of Kenneth Faried you'd have a healthy Larry Johnson. Unfortunately, scientists haven't created a device that allows you to take the best qualities of two human beings and forge them into one life form. As a result, you're left with a shorter Javale McGee.

3. Harrison Barnes -- Best looking, best playing actual basketball player of the three. He has moves and moments that will make GMs and fans think he's a future 25ppg+ scorer. Sadly, professional American basketball is played over four twelve minute segments not from a non-randomly sampled selection of runs when a player is hot. In his first two seasons while coaches and GMs look for Barnes to play into his potential DBSF sees a handful of thirty point games. But after consecutive sub-30 win seasons Barnes will either be shipped to Golden State for a large, but offensively-challenged Russian center or become Toronto's Nick Young.

Betty Draper/ Placenta=One A Day Women's

Being white and having attended college DBSF is naturally inclined to AMC's Mad Men, which aired its first episode last night after a 1.5 year hiatus. January Jones, who plays Betty Draper and if you don't watch the show means nothing but if you do watch the show she is usually considered the character most lacking in substance and depth but possesses a certain aesthetic appeal that makes her presence welcoming to the male audience at least, announced that after giving birth she called an audible--or, maybe went in to the drive with the specially-scripted play in mind, like it was some double end-around or something that's rarely used and demands exquisite planning and execution otherwise the badness of outcomes finds a way to exponentiate themselves--to have her placenta dehydrated and made into pill form, which she would later consume.

Jones's justification for the decision was that among other things "we're the only mammals who don't ingest our own placenta". DBSF has two reactions to these transpirings. First and assuming one is not suffering from psychosis or clinically extreme cases of antisocial behavior, there is perhaps no greater evidence that someone is the founder and current president of her own fan club than eating her own bodily emissions. Any quasi-rational, self-sustaining human being that believes that what is emitted still possesses value upon egress seems to be reveling in some perverted self-consecration. Second, the rational that we do something on the grounds that "humans are the only mammals that don't do [something that all other mammals do]" presents a pretty obvious logical fallacy. Perhaps, what January Jones failed to consider, that as humans are also the only mammals that possess rationality it is rationality that allows us to run some internal cost-benefit analysis on eating placenta where eventually we deduce that the primary pro of not having to eat placenta strongly outweighs the primary con of having to eat placenta. DBSF has to believe that the muskrat--and other non-human mammals--eat the placenta not because they prioritize it over other nutritious wetland fare but because as a mammalian rodent that lacks rationality the placenta is there and technically it can be eaten so, why not?

Courtside (not equal to [sign]) Yao Ming

DBSF gets why Yao Ming wants to sit courtside. It's for the same reason that everyone else wants to sit courtside. But Yao got to sit courtside for 8 seasons, and at 90 inches tall his extremities pose a hazard to players. DBSF also thinks that Yao's knee blocks two-thirds of the view of the court for that woman on his right. At the least he should have to sit in the second row and teams could take out the first row seat in front of him for his legs. Maybe he could sit in the third row and the first two rows could be removed. DBSF isn't sure on the logistics.

Marketing Tebow

As a Broncos' fan DBSF was quite pleased to learn that Peyton Manning had selected Denver as the organization to resume his career. DBSF never bought the Tebow narrative of 'he finds a way to win' and foresaw that sticking with Tebow would continually delay Denver's need to rebuild an offense and find a franchise quarterback. Now that the Tebow experiment is over Denver must focus on getting the greatest return for him through a trade. Two main problems stand in the way. First, teams know that Denver wishes to trade Tebow so the team loses much of its bargaining power. Second, Tebow is basically a Peyton Hillis that also gets to throw the ball 12-16 times a game. As such, Denver needs to understand how it can best market Tebow to maximize their return in a draft pick. DBSF recommends selling Tebow based on two factors.

First, religiousness. Based on religious and cultural patterns in the US the idea of marketing Tebow as a marque player to any team in the mid-Atlantic, Northeast, and West Coast is inadvisable as religion hasn't been trending in these regions for a few decades. Basically, they have to look at teams from Florida up to the Carolinas and West to Utah'ish. Unfortunately, while that is a lot of land it's really a lot of uninhabited Bureau of Land Management land with few professional football teams per square . . . state it seems like. (But then again there are like four super religious states in Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Oklahoma with just masses of people dedicated to things, like protecting gun rights for white felons and preventing any employment opportunities to people with a surname that could even slightly be perceived as of Hispanic origin, that don't have a pro football team. And, this is the exact population that would likely frame pictures of Tebow in their house and support him through 0-16 seasons by rationalizing their team's failure as not the result of the QB that takes a knee to pray after most first downs--including, ironically, those made as a result of penalties--but as a result of perceived mistakes of the non-whites on the field.)

Second, will. It could be will, it could be desire, it could be commitment*. In the end it doesn't matter what Elway and the fellow Broncos call it just make sure it has two qualities. First, it must reflect an intangible. Second, it must be impossible to measure quantitatively. It might even be a decent idea to make up a word, like  "spirwill", that encompasses things like teamwork, commitment, effort, will, whatever. Literally, revel in the infinite intangibility. The core factor though is that in no way can the other team measure spirwill or whatever. DBSF always loved the absolutely logically baffling argument that "he just wants to win" as suggesting that the key to Tebow's success is that he had uncovered this revolutionary theory that no other NFL player had ever encountered--the desire or intention to win the game. Like for the past 80 or so years that the NFL or one of its derivatives had functioned every player was out there running around in some passive anomie with no intent or direction other than to follow a ball during four 15 minute increments after which some noise mechanism would sound, which indicated that 'good job boys, you did your work' and it was time to go home. When one steps away from Tebowmania all the hype sounds absolutely inane and almost makes you feel like we were trapped in some Orwellian parallel universe. (And, for those that think DBSF is being over-the-top in his assessment of Tebowmania please then explain Skip Bayless's around the clock presence on ESPN and ESPN2 if this is not the case.) Ergo, Religiousity + Non-quantifiably measureable qualities = 3rd round pick?

* Author's aside: There exists somewhat of a corollary between points one and two that should be acknowledged. Considering the population DBSF is recommending the Broncos target in #1 it is imperative that for #2 the Broncos don't employ descriptors, like magic or supernatural. In fact, "spirit" might even be over the top as it sounds kind of new age/ Wicken. 

March Madness--Premier Jour

Watching Harvard v. Vanderbilt and after decades of Princeton v. whoever was the two seed in the West, DBSF can unequivocally say that whatever team represents the Ivy League has the twelve best players at moving without the ball in the entire tournament. Unfortunately, the Ivy League also contributes the twelve worst players at moving with the ball so things kind of level out.

Papers are scattered in front of Charles Barkley to create the illusion that he prepared for tonight's telecast. That being said, he seems to be doing a pretty good job (i.e., 65%ish accurate) in discerning between Kenny Smith and Greg Anthony.

DBSF thinks it's a fair question to ask: How does it come to one becoming a Wichita State cheerleader? Like nothing wrong with it but if someone tells you: "Yeah, I cheer at WSU?" You: "WSU? Wash . . ." Them: "Wichita State." It's natural then to wonder how that came about.

Looking at Gonzaga's roster DBSF noticed a high percentage of French players and players from British Columbia, which made DBSF curious if they, Canadians, know that we, Americans, are 3am C-SPAN III's "Repeat of New Jersey State Senate: Budget and Appropriations Committee Panel (3/8/99)" interested in their regionalism. Just saying 'Canada' suffices. Except, of course, in the case of bachelor parties where the whereabouts of Montreal (up? down? middle'ish?) are of the utmost importance.

Interesting tattoo contrast between the Harvard/ BYUs and the Kansas State/ Long Beach States. In fact, DBSF fairly confident that there's a back-up guard on Kansas State with more neck tats than the entire Harvard roster. That type of neck-tattooing illustrates an admirable commitment to one's desired occupation (which ironically--and this is no time address certain time constraints imposed on student athletes by the NCAA as the March Madness tournament is supposed to be a time of hope and excitement for the athletes, and in cases of anomalous games for some players it is a time of grossly inflated delusional self-worth, which essentially explains any underclassmen in the final twenty picks of the second round of the NBA draft--is also back-up guard on Kansas State.)

Marquis Teague's mustache is mad Joe Dumars'ish. Also, if you squint your eyes while watching them and ignore that over 35% of their field goals are made it's hard to discern Kentucky from the Washington Wizards.

Apparently Baylor went with their AAU Vegas National's uniform. Baylor also strikes DBSF as a team that doesn't consider anything you can't "plea out of" a violation of team rules. Like literally Dorothy Day/ Catholic Worker Movement/ House of Hospitality inclusive. No finger pointing going on in the Baylor basketball recruitment room.

A set of first weekend South Regional games are hosted in Louisville, Kentucky at the KFC Yum! Center. Seeing as one of the more obese-friendly fast food chains sponsors a major state athletic facility, it should come as no surprise then that Kentucky is regularly rated as one of the five most obese states in the US. If it weren't for Mississippi--which is basically its own third world country (like the kind suffering from countless generations of severe destitute) but with a Cracker Barrel or Taco Bell on every corner and a population of SSI and worker's comp beneficiaries, which ironically provide just enough resources to transports to and from and to practice commerce at those franchises--then Kentucky--home of the K FCYum! Center--would likely reign supreme. 

College Football Conference Re-alignment & College Basketball Attendance

The Washington Post, USA Today, and Wall Street Journal have all written about the drop in attendance at college basketball arenas. Explanations for the decrease include a one year aberration, fan apathy, enhancements in the home viewing experience, the economy, coaching changes, scandals, the culture of one-and-done freshman phenoms, a Facebook generation unwilling to step away from the iPad, antipathy for the high salaries of coaches and their staffs, and the overemphasis placed on the end of the season conference and NCAA tournaments.

Save the case for one-and-done freshman most of those explanations should also apply to college football, which has witnessed no such decline in attendance. But DBSF thinks the he decline more likely reflects historical match-ups ending (or at least getting diluted when rivals only meet once a year) and traditional conferences expanding as a result football conference re-alignment. The efforts to increase revenue from TV contracts for larger football conferences adversely affects college basketball attendance because for attending fans basketball represents a far more intimate experience than that of football.

Because of media spectacles, like ESPN Gameday, and other conventional events, like pep rallies and tailgating, college (and pro) football has become a pageantry that is as much about the experiences external (yet related) to the game as it is about the actual game. Basketball is unique in that the limited number of players on each team allow fans to better identify with athletes. In addition, the fact that fans (and students in particular) usually sit in close proximity to the opposing team, fans possess a greater opportunity to interact and affect the opposing teams. But as historic match-ups become reduced to annual meetings and as new teams enter into regular conference play the interest and, thus, influence of the fan diminishes, which then disincentivizes attendance.

Andray Blatche Support Network (volunteers)

Disparaging Andray Blatche is trending among fans who come to Wizards' games to Facebook and cheer for the opposing team. As a result, DBSF is effectively ending his on-going amicable derision of Blatche (which was always done in jest). Rashard Lewis recently said that he's never witnessed a player get booed as harshly by his home team as Blatche. That's the same Rashard Lewis, who is basically a 21st century version of any Russian protagonist in a 1980's war/ sports drama. He naturally spawns contempt from fans for making $20M a year while adhering to a strict religious belief that forbids anything other than baseline threes. 


But it was Andray's quote in a recent Washington Post article that led DBSF to create an Andray Blatche volunteer support network on Craigslist (North Gaithersburg).“Every time I touch the ball, I’m second-guessing. I’m trying to avoid the boos. Trying to play a perfect game so I don’t have to hear it so I can help my team win. It’s got to the point now where I come in and sub and the boos are coming. It’s not even a point of giving me a chance. I’m going to continue to try and work. Hopefully something will happen for me. I don’t know.” 


The constant booing indicates to DBSF that those attending Wizards' games fail to understand 'Dray's true value. In terms of a basketball player that provides consistent effort and contributes to wins 'Dray is very, well, Washington Wizardsly and of limited value. Rather, he entertains in his magnanimous deference to inclusiveness and the refusal to discriminate between 'good' and 'bad' shots. That and he invented the philosophy of "casual defense".

Bron Bron: Sideline-Sniped

Up until yesterday DBSF was largely indifferent to older women that exhibit no interest in the spectacle before them sitting court-side at NBA games. Well there was a slight inclination toward a presumed under-appreciation on the women's part, which led  to DBSF thinking perhaps the 200 level or at least some luxury box might be more apropos as other individuals, DBSF being one, would be much more likely to savor the entertainment. (If curious as to why DBSF doesn't wholeheartedly view the older woman-court-side phenomenon in a pejorative manner it has to do primarily with moms/ aunts/ grandmothers who might want to--and deservedly so--see their son/ nephew grandson/ etc perform. Of course, the most superficial inspection indicates that the woman in this particular scenario is of no relation to LeBron, at least not biologically.)

But this all changed when at a critical point with a minute left in the game an older woman basically sideline-sniped Bron Bron--whom DBSF champions at a level commensurate to that of individuals, who prioritize on the national agenda the role that government has in directing how private insurers can compensate for contraceptives above that of establishing sociopolitical stability in the Middle East, ameliorating trade imbalances with China, or enhancing research on any marginally harmful disease, champion former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. Besides the fact that this woman potentially seriously injured DBSF's favorite non-Wizard/ Asian American NBA player of Chinese or Taiwanese decent , it's the reaction that is also irksome. She looks to take it as a personal affront with that denigrating scowl, like she was dining at the Ritz and the help just spilled a drink on her or something, and at the end of the clip she even seems to relish in LeBron's misfortune. To make matters worse DBSF has trouble believing that she appropriately appreciated the value of a $25K-plus Lakers' court-side seat seeing as she would likely rather have been reading her mystery book or watching PBS fiction programming.

NBA Western Conference Regular Season Predictions

Prognostications for the West should be more accurate than those of the East because of the one extra day of games that DBSF has to work with. But then again the West doesn't have the Bobcats and Wizards, who considerably simplify the calculus of predicting a conference's outcome.

1. Oklahoma City Thunder (51-15)
Although they'll probably lose to the Heat in the Finals in five, the Thunder will establish them as this decades late 90's Utah Jazz. Two hall of famers and a more hirsute/ tan Jeff Hornacek in James Harden that can score without taking a lot of shots. Unfortunately for the Thunder DBSF predicts the reign of James to being this postseason. (Fortunately for them however DBSF also predicts James' reign to end in four or five years when Durant et al are all still in their late twenties so they should be able to win a handful before the next OKC emerges.)

2. San Antonio Spurs (43-23)
Too old to play a seven games series much less a series of seven game series. Spurs fall in the second round, but Popovich strategizes them to finish second in the regular season. The fact that he is able to consistently reach spectacular ends with such modest means suggests to DBSF that Popovich's brilliance is being sorely missed in other non-sports' areas of the social world.

3. LA Lakers (42-24)
This is tough to predict pre-trade deadline and is based on the current roster. Regardless of age or limitations at point guard Kobe Bryant remains the only NBA player of this generation worthy of the descriptor 'Jordanesque'.

4. Dallas Mavericks (40-26)
Last season was NY Giants 2007 and 2011 and Green Bay Packers 2010 level playoff peaking. If the Maverick's get Dwight Howard then they're a two/ three seed and losing in the conference finals for the next half decade.

5. LA Clippers (40-26)
DBSF is bullish on their dunk highlights but bearish on their ability to consistently beat good teams. Maybe in two or three years. Maybe not. They don't have the defense to contend with the Thunder so they should just take solace in being Sportscenter's most covered pretty good team.

6. Memphis Grizzlies (39-27)
The Grizzilies are DBSF's sleeper pick. They'll have one of the strongest second halves of the season (bear in mind that Zach 'Maaaaannnneee we gotta play again' Randolph is back in about a week), and won't lose in the playoffs until they face the Thunder.

7. Denver Nuggets (35-31)
The Nuggets are one of the NBA's more international teams with a Brazilian (Nene), a Spaniard (Rudy Fernandez), an Italian (Danilo Gallinari), a Russian (Timofey Mozgov), and a Greek (Kosta Koufos) [also an alt-urban American (Chris Anderson)]. The fact that they are represented by Brazil, albeit a growing international economic power, three European countries that might play the greatest role in destroying a continental economy and Russia--which gains points for having a president or prime minister or well a Putin that is the only national leader to be regularly pictured with his/ her shirt off but loses points for a seemingly sociocultural dependence on assassination and graft--bodes unwell for DBSF holding the Nuggets in higher esteem.

8. Houston Rockets (34-32)
You're out in one and you end up getting an early 20's first round draft pick, which almost always ends up being some 6'5" Big East or Big 12 upper class man that scored well in college but played the three/ four combo and, thus, suffers from physical limitations that inhibit the potential for professional success.