Thursday, April 26, 2012

2012 NFL Draft: First 30 Minutes

Thanks to the NFL Network, ESPN et al NFL has become a year round event despite having the shortest playing season of any major professional American sport. As a result of the Schefter-Kiper-Clayton around-the-clock media juggernaut that turns sprained pinky toes and twenty-two year old's Tweets into front page fodder, the anticipation for the NFL draft is in overdrive by December, which drains on the actual excitement of the first round draft day.

With the exception of Colts and Redskins' fans, who get to see potential franchise quarterbacks hold up their team's jersey in a picture with Roger Goodell, the intrigue of the draft is further lessened considering that there are essentially two fewer first round pics as the Luck-GIII combo was determined in some Sportscenter pre-production meeting during last season's NFL wild card games. (Not to mention, that Interest in the draft is even further qualified by the fact that the first five picks were pretty much set because of the elite talent of a select few players.)

So for the casual NFL fan today's first round draft day turned out to really be about 25-27 and not 32 picks. Fortunately in the NFL, unlike the NBA, the entire first round matters so there's still appeal. Below are some reactions to an arbitrarily selected half-hour segment of the first round of the NFL draft:

There should be an anthropological study on fans who attend NFL drafts. The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation should establish a trust alone for individuals that go literal ape-bonkers upon hearing that the Colts selected Andrew Luck--a universally understood decision for the better part of four months.

Adam Schefter L-O-V-E-S to hear Adam Schefter talk. Mirrors likely get get serious attention in the Schefter household

Roger Goodell really leans in and holds on for these hugs with these dudes get on stage. Next-level dude hugging going down this draft.

There are subgroups of humans that are worse than Jets' fans. Correction, there is a subgroup of humans that are worse than Jets' fans, however DBSF is fairly confident that the worser subgroups went extinct during the Middle Ages when its ship sunk en route to a village re-rape and pillaging.

Justin Blackmon gets drafted to catch Blaine Gabbert bounce passes. No wonder that bro doesn't want to walk up on the stage. Probably seeing if his agent can get him traded to a better passing offense, like Kansas City.

Andrew Luck's NFL-readiness is inversely related to his camera-readiness. Goyim friends at a Bat Mitzvah look more comfortable in front of a camera.

Impressive spite-prep by Jon Gruden on Morris Claiborne. Gruden actually has the production assistants put together a highlight tape of Claiborne's five mistakes from last season.

RGIII's mouth-width to head circumference ratio is around 1:2.

ESPN should have mandatory commercial breaks whenever a team from Florida is up to select.

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