With the NBA completing it's lottery selection on Wednesday, the internet is a-mmhhhmm with mock drafts. DBSF fancied it would be unique for him to apply his sardonic lower-middle-class-elitistism to a stranger's careful analysis. Without further delay, the first ten picks as projected by Yahoo Sports:
1. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Kyrie Irving (Duke)
The pick that replaces LeBron. That is if LeBron were like a less good Chris Paul. Another way to look at it is if LeBron were Luke Ridnour this would be a definite improvement and recompense wholly, or at least three-quarters wholly for the "Decision" fiasco. The Cavs had the second worst record and will essentially be replacing Baron Davis (who grant it, missed games to pick up his dry cleaning and to celebrate religious holidays of religions he didn't practice) with a 19 year old PG that has half a season of college basketball in his pocket. Thus, the Cavs should be in great shape, statistically speaking, to earn a 0.25 chance (i.e., the highest probability to win the lottery) at the top spot in next year's draft.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves -- Derrick Williams (Airzona)
3. Utah Jazz -- Kemba Walker (UConn)
Kemba is a two-guard who played the one in college because he fell one inch short of the 6'1" height requirement for NCAA two-guards. He's a non-British Ben Gordon. He's JJ Barea-tough-to-defend, but JJ Barea-easy-to-score-on.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Jonas Valanciunas (Lithuania)
A large Lithuanian. How original. When ever the front end of the draft is loaded with a bunch of 6'10"-plus Europeans you know things are bleak. Remember that for every Dirk Nowitzki (or, for one Dirk Nowitzki) there are countess Nikoloz Tskitishvili's and even more who never make it across the pond. Of course, the latter group provides anecdotal value during the Olympics (e.g., 'although drafted Nemanja Bjelica is yet to play a game in the NBA'. GTK).
5. Toronto Raptors -- Brandon Knight (Kentucky)
He was born in 1991. People born in 1991 don't possess a sufficient competitive basketball resume to judge them for college basketball much less the NBA. The only thing you can be sure of people born in 1991 is that they like love XBox Live and they grew up texting, which means without the technology of automatic spell check they represent the generation that would fundamentally alter spelling of the Nglsh Lngwage. Coincidentally, they also will spur the linguistic rebellion leading to acronyms entering the vernacular at a rate that would make government employees and accountants blush.
6. Washington Wizards -- Jan Vesely (Belgrade)
7. Sacramento Kings -- Bismack Biyombo (Spain)
Word is Biyombo's an excellent athlete with great size but raw w/r/t actually playing basketball. Where have we seen that before? Oh yeah, 75% of lottery picks in every draft ever. Sure he could become the next Serge Ibaka but much like Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox, Biyombo very well might just become the next Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox.
8. Detroit Pistons -- Enes Kanter (Kentucky)
Saying Kanter is from Kentucky (where he was ineligible to play his only year) is like saying Brandon Jennings it from Italy. Scouts say Kanter has a great NBA body. You know who DBSF thinks has a great NBA body? Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, most starting PFs. Fortunately because the Pistons rarely score more than 75 points a game, the team won't expect much offensive output from the 19 year old Turk.
9. Charlotte Bobcats -- Donatas Motiejunas (Italy)
So . . .many . . . foreigners. Motiejunas is listed at 7'0" 215 lbs. Translated to a normal height that's like being a grown-up and weighing 130lbs. DBSF has a good feeling that Motiejunas won't be called for too many three-second violations next season.
10. Milwaukee Bucks -- Marcus Morris (Kansas)
Upside he's Udonis Haslem, downside he's any other mid-first round pick from the last ten drafts whose size and strength allowed him to dominate in college but upon arriving in the NBA and encountering twos and threes with the same body and athleticism (and with better perimeter play) his game becomes inadequate. The only way Morris sticks in the league is if he rebounds, hustles, and takes charges. So, basically become Udonis Haslem.