Monday, April 11, 2011

Top 5 NBA Flat Tops--Whites

To most fans 'epic NBA flat tops' conjure memories of Scottie Pippen, Dominique Wilkins, and Kendall Gill (Kendall had some flat tops with the Nets and Hornets that aerodynamically speaking, were phenomenal). But, DBSF also remembers the Caucasians, who were mainly mediocre at best as NBA players (save Mullins and Schrempf), that made the commitment to angular, vertically-inclined hairstyles. Below are the Top 5:

#5 Chris Mullins: Nothing too sexy about Mullins' flat top. His hair just grows this way; perhaps a family member or favorite TV character growing up was in the armed services and contributed to his life-long commitment to the flat top.

#4 Eric Montross: What DBSF calls the "uncommitted flat top". You know he wants to take it to the next step in terms of verticality but either because of pusillanimity or because at 7'0" Montross was too self-conscious to add any more height he couldn't commit.

#3 Detlef Schrempf: There's something a little too Arian about this flat top. The angularity is a little too precise. What Schrempf makes up for in commitment to the flat top, he sacrifices in excessive fear-inducing qualities.

#2 Dave Corzine: DBSF knows what you're thinking--the angularity is deplorable, the verticality is Montrossian. But, Corzine doesn't have the hair for a flat top. Rather, he commits, throws in a Tom Selleck mustache and comes to hack some big men down low while the starters and second team get a breather.

#1: Dwayne Schintzius: Back when guys, like Dominique, thought it was revolutionary to complement the flat top with some lines in the side of their heads, Schintzius basquiat'ed the flat top with a shoulder-length mullet. Creativity and perspicacity alone make Schintzius the runaway favorite. Considering the arithmetical sharpness of the front of his flat top he almost deserves to be a living footnote in the canons of human hairstyle.