Thursday, April 7, 2011

MLB Needs New Names for Pitching Injuries

The Colorado Rockies announced on Wednesday that they were placing their ace, Ubaldo Jimenez, on the 15 day DL for a "cracked cuticle". This reminded DBSF of the time former Detroit Tigers' pitcher Kenny Rogers had to start (yes start, not finish) the season on the DL because of "tired arm".

DBSF isn't questioning the toughness of these players as an injured cuticle limits a pitcher's pitch options (in Jimenez's case--according to ESPN as there is like a 'name that Finnish architect?' zero-percent chance of DBSF knowing this--it affects his curves, sliders, and fastballs).

But, considering that San Fransisco 49er's Safety Ronnie Lott lost a part of his finger in a game tackling running back Timmy Newsome and then finished the game sans finger (it was the tip portion, the part that has the nail on the other side, and can't bend on his own unless his friends closer to the hand bend), MLB might consider going to the creative department to come up with more menacing names for pitching injuries.

As for "cracked cuticle" DBSF would go for something like "advanced bone displacement" to conjure the idea that--a la a the alien in Aliens--some finger bone is attempting to grow through the skin, thus giving the injury a sense of terror and sci-fi, which based on movies, like Inception or the Twilight series, has serious commercial appeal.

Further, instead of tired arm make up something about ligament damage or do what the NBA did with plantar fasciitis--create a syndrome that sounds so terrible everyone accepts at face value that it is prohibitively painful, yet also too difficult to spell so its not worth looking up on Web MD.


  1. Costochondritis is a good one. Spell check doesn't even like it.

  2. DBSF thinks that law firm that advertises on the Steve Wilkos show can actually help you sue your former employer for recompense for personal damages from Costochondritis. Assuming of course that employer subjected you to pre-WWI asbestos levels.