1. Cam Newton (QB) -- Carolina
Worst pick of the draft so far. What Newton lacks in throwing technique and experience running a pro offense, he makes up for in size, arm strength, a will to win, and most importantly a 'local morning talk show host level of cheesedickery'. In other news, Brady Quinn is rumored to be financing another media campaign. But, this time it is to celebrate a non-Brady Quinn quarterback getting picked first since with the Jimmy Clausen experience officially shelved in Carolina, Quinn now has competition in the "most-overrated Notre Dame QB ever" conversation.
2. Von Miller (LB) -- Denver
But, this happens TO the Chiefs twice a year for the next ten years.
3. Marcell Dareus (DT) -- Buffalo
Excellent pick. Unfortunately, he becomes a Bill, which means he will help Buffalo lose every game 7-6 rather than 17-6. (No matter how good their defense, JP Lossman/ Ryan Fitzpatrick or whatever derivation of them is under-throwing running backs on screens will always account for a minus seven.)
4. AJ Green (WR) -- Cincinnati
Green will probably make the Jets or Packers a much more dangerous team in four years when his rookie contract expires. For now he's tied to a team with the AFC's version of Matt Hasselbeck--but with Peyton Manning's contract--who is threatening to retire if he doesn't get traded. It was so much easier back when all the Bengal players used to do was get arrested.
5. Patrick Patterson (CB) -- Arizona
Best pick of the draft. Heck, best pick of the last three drafts. Patterson matched up with Fitzgerald at practice has to become something of legend. John Skelton heaving some passes their way in practice will be the other kind of legend. Like the legend of that time the bridge collapsed, or when that guy accidentally flushed his winning Powerball ticket down the toilet.
6. Julio Jones (WR) -- Atlanta
Matt Ryan with Roddy White and now Julio Jones could be the second coming of Kurt Warner with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Or, John Elway with Ed McCaffrey and Rod Smith (DBSF just had to throw that last one in).
7. Aldon Smith (DE) -- San Fransisco
Can he throw the ball too? Well, neither can Alex Smith. Not sure what this will do for San Fransisco fans besides definitely make them wish they had stayed home to finish reading this month's Artforum while listening to music, which's only value is that its listened to exclusively by people that say things like, "I can't understand American music anymore" and brag about going to restaurants that serve food from countries rated in the bottom tenth of Transparency International's Corruption Perception Index.
8. Jake Locker (QB) -- Tennessee
9. Tyron Smith (T) -- Dallas
A tackle? Really? What kind of analysis can you really expect from DBSF on a tackle? Let's see . . . Is he above 6'4"? Does he way over 320 lbs and not look like an obese child? Are his hands the size of pizza boxes? Will he not smoke weed before games and promise to stop drinking liquor by midnight the night before games (beer is okay until 3am when you weigh 0.5 Prius's)? If he meets those requirements and has even the minimalest desire to block someone who ways 60 pounds less than him but is all muscle and much faster for three hours on Sundays then this should be a fine pick.
10. Blaine Gabbert (QB) -- Jacksonville