Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Eddy Curry: Stream of Consciousness

At Sunday's Game 3 win over the Thunder, Miami Heat PF/ C/ FD (Power Forward/ Center/ Future Diabetic) Eddy Curry secured his 21st straight DNP -- Inactive. (For those keeping score, he last appeared in a 4 turnover, 0 assist, 34 point season finale loss to America's [Other] Team, the Washington Wizards. There are rumors that the team managers have even stopped bringing his jersey to games.) The following is an excerpt from his conscious mind during Sunday's game.

Somebody needs to bring back the t-shirt under the jersey look. Not everybody's LeBron. Some of us have excess shoulder skin and subskin or whatever you call that malleable, flesh that grows beneath the epidermis. We just need some young generation of kids in the league to bring it back. Like the Fab 5 did with baggy shorts. What's up with shorts anyway? All of a sudden everyone is okay with having them above the knee again? Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Juwan, Jimmy King. Those guys broke barriers. That and baggy shorts hide any excessive build-up of that fleshy sub skin around knees. Would it be unreasonable to ask Spoelstra if we could have the option to wear sweatpants as part of our uniforms?

So LeBron shoots 53% on the year and he's brilliant but I secure a loan at an 85% interest rate and I'm a dummy? 

Top 5 NBA Arena bench cushions. No specific order. Judging criteria are cushion area, density, and durability (maintaining sufficient cushion to metal folding chair adhesion/ stitching). Again no specific order except for maybe the top three, which are again in no order but superior to the fourth and fifth. Houston, OKC, Orlando, Milwaukee and Golden State. That Knick's series was a nightmare--blue and orange taught leather basically duct taped to metal. My legs were asleep before they got to Chalmers in the player introductions. I had to fake a torn Achilles-Meniscus combo when I couldn't get up at the first TV timeout. Riley said something under his breath like that the injury could only help my play.

Basketball was meant to be more sedentary. Leeping, verticality--ruin it. Sure LeBron sells tickets but he basterdizes the game. The set jump shot--second only to the rule change that enabled dribbling--set Dr. Naismith's beautiful creation down a perilous descent from which it could never recover. I'm a purist. I think that's what's at the root of my and LeBron's relationship issue. I think we should be friends and he thinks I should have to run to and from my home to practice or get cut from the team. Thus, we've reached a bit of an impasse.

Stern needs to figure out a way to combine the idleness of baseball with basketball. There at least needs to be a shooter's box or something where players are offered unlimited timeouts to maintain focus, collect their thoughts, and catch a breath.

Why they added 8 minutes to the college game I will never know. Some people have better things to do with three or so hours in the evening.

1 comment:

  1. Eddie Curry never once had an abstract thought.