Augurs, diviners, oracles, clairvoyants, etc of the NBA rely on a range of methods for predicting the outcomes of games and series. Some use complex statistics, others emphasize intangibles, like playoff experience or toughness, but DBSF has, what he believes, is the master formula for projecting a winner.
Like so many invaluable things in this world, it is simple and natural. It consists of four steps. First, you add up the number of former Washington Wizards on each team's roster. Second, you add up the number of former Minnesota Timberwolves on each team's roster. Third, players who were on both the Wizards and Timberwolves are multiplied by 1.5 and added to the sum of steps 1 and 2. Finally, you compare team A's total with that of team B's and whichever team scores the lowest will win. Another way to look at it is:
Not winning = # of Wiz + # of Wolves + (1.5 x # of Wiz/ Wolves)
So for the Heat it goes: Not winning = 2 Wiz (Howard & Bibby) + 0 Wolves + 1.5 Wiz/ Wolves (Miller). Or, 3.5. For the Mavs it goes: Not winning = 3 Wiz (Butler, Haywood, and Stevenson) + 1 Wolves (Brewer) + 1.5 Wiz/ Wolves (Cardinal).Or, 5.5. Assuming DBSF’s master formula is correct this means that fans can expect the Heat to take the series.
Of course, DBSF might have failed to take into account for prior experience with the Golden State Warriors, which probably involves exponents, scientific notation, and the like all of which are light-years beyond the functionality of the complimentary calculator Quizno’s gives out with the purchase of five Sammies.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
How the Lakers are Reverse-Jon Gruden'ing Mike Brown
Before the Buccaneers acquired Jon Gruden in 2002, previous head coach Tony Dungy had established an organization so sure of success that Gruden could have have maintained a year long state of cognitive and physical inertia and the team's defense would still have led them to the Superbowl. Now the Lakers' hiring of Mike Brown presents the opposite scenario. Brown is replacing 11-time NBA champion and guru-coach Phil Jackson, who is retiring--for among other reasons--because the Lakers appear to be in their twilight.
Of course, it's not all June gloom in Los Angeles. The allure of the city and its opportunities in the entertainment industry present an incentive no other organization (even New York) can offer. Further, the roster has 5 all-stars--grant it, guys like Artest, Odom, and Bynum are more of the Wilson Chandler/ Trevor Ariza-is-our-second-best-player variety of All Star--and Derek Caracter, who doesn't practice gender discrimination w/r/t fighting IHOP cashiers. (In Derek's defense DBSF has to believe that Derek's waitress that night probably had the I've-worked-a-triple-since-9am and am not to be messed with look that suggests the opponent, i.e., the hypothetical waitress in this case, would be like religious-zealot dedicated to crushing a windpipe, which in the environs of a late night IHOP results in a very personal psychic crap-storm.)
Consider the situation Brown faces. Besides the fact that he's got an aging team, rumor has it that His Eminence Kobe preferred Brian Shaw to Brown. In the Lakers' organization, crossing Kobe is equivalent to offing Archduke Ferdinand. In other words, Derek Caracter's worse-case IHOP scenario becomes Sunday fellowship at your local Latter-day Saints convocation.
There's also evidence that Brown doesn't have the organization's full backing. His 4-year $18 million contact pails in comparison to Phil Jackson's last few contracts which ranged around $12 million per year. But, DBSF look at all of Phil's rings! True, but if nothing else it is symbolic that the former coach received an annual contract that approached the total contract of the current coach.
Then again rumor has it that super-human Dwight Howard will pick LA as his destination to win a title as the reality of perpetual 40 win seasons and first-round playoff exits with Hedo Turkoglu and Gilbert Arenas becomes more clear. Of course acquiring Howard is dependent upon the Lakers' performance next season. If Kobe and Derek Fischer's age presents further problems and if Steve Blake doesn't transform into Russell Westbrook as everyone not surnamed "Blake" expects, Howard has to wonder who's going to get him the ball. (DBSF aside: According to Steve Blake's website he can be hired for personal appearances for motivational engagements, grand openings, golf tournaments and the like. The hyper-delusional vainglory of some NBA players rivals even that of Tori Spelling.)
In the end, Mike Brown is placed in a precarious position. If the Lakers don't advance in the playoffs, myopicism will lead the media and public to believe his playoff woes from the Cavs persist. (Ignoring, of course, that in his last two seasons in Cleveland he had the best regular season record in the NBA.) Most people assume the Cavs drastic decline this season was attributable to LeBron's absence, but elementary statistics warns us against potentially spurious relationships (i.e., What if the Cav's failures in 2010-11 reflect not only the departure of LeBron but Brown also?).
In truth much of the Cav's challenges over the past half-decade reflected an organization's decision to allow a teenager and early-twenty something play GM (e.g., LeBron's teammate demands included the likes of Wally Szczerbiak, Donyell Marshall, Drew Gooden . . . basically a list that merits its own blog post). Considering only the Heat averaged more points per game (ppg) than the Lakers among teams in the top-10 of opponents ppg allowed, if Brown can instill the defensive culture that made the Cavs the best defensive team in 08-09 and fifth best in 09-10, he might be able to convince Dwight Howard to come West, which could maintain the Lakers' perennial position at the top of the NBA's hierarchy. But, if they can't attract Howard then Brown will likely receive blame for the shortcomings of a team that became evident to the entire league in the 2011 playoffs.
Of course, it's not all June gloom in Los Angeles. The allure of the city and its opportunities in the entertainment industry present an incentive no other organization (even New York) can offer. Further, the roster has 5 all-stars--grant it, guys like Artest, Odom, and Bynum are more of the Wilson Chandler/ Trevor Ariza-is-our-second-best-player variety of All Star--and Derek Caracter, who doesn't practice gender discrimination w/r/t fighting IHOP cashiers. (In Derek's defense DBSF has to believe that Derek's waitress that night probably had the I've-worked-a-triple-since-9am and am not to be messed with look that suggests the opponent, i.e., the hypothetical waitress in this case, would be like religious-zealot dedicated to crushing a windpipe, which in the environs of a late night IHOP results in a very personal psychic crap-storm.)
Consider the situation Brown faces. Besides the fact that he's got an aging team, rumor has it that His Eminence Kobe preferred Brian Shaw to Brown. In the Lakers' organization, crossing Kobe is equivalent to offing Archduke Ferdinand. In other words, Derek Caracter's worse-case IHOP scenario becomes Sunday fellowship at your local Latter-day Saints convocation.
There's also evidence that Brown doesn't have the organization's full backing. His 4-year $18 million contact pails in comparison to Phil Jackson's last few contracts which ranged around $12 million per year. But, DBSF look at all of Phil's rings! True, but if nothing else it is symbolic that the former coach received an annual contract that approached the total contract of the current coach.
Then again rumor has it that super-human Dwight Howard will pick LA as his destination to win a title as the reality of perpetual 40 win seasons and first-round playoff exits with Hedo Turkoglu and Gilbert Arenas becomes more clear. Of course acquiring Howard is dependent upon the Lakers' performance next season. If Kobe and Derek Fischer's age presents further problems and if Steve Blake doesn't transform into Russell Westbrook as everyone not surnamed "Blake" expects, Howard has to wonder who's going to get him the ball. (DBSF aside: According to Steve Blake's website he can be hired for personal appearances for motivational engagements, grand openings, golf tournaments and the like. The hyper-delusional vainglory of some NBA players rivals even that of Tori Spelling.)
In the end, Mike Brown is placed in a precarious position. If the Lakers don't advance in the playoffs, myopicism will lead the media and public to believe his playoff woes from the Cavs persist. (Ignoring, of course, that in his last two seasons in Cleveland he had the best regular season record in the NBA.) Most people assume the Cavs drastic decline this season was attributable to LeBron's absence, but elementary statistics warns us against potentially spurious relationships (i.e., What if the Cav's failures in 2010-11 reflect not only the departure of LeBron but Brown also?).
In truth much of the Cav's challenges over the past half-decade reflected an organization's decision to allow a teenager and early-twenty something play GM (e.g., LeBron's teammate demands included the likes of Wally Szczerbiak, Donyell Marshall, Drew Gooden . . . basically a list that merits its own blog post). Considering only the Heat averaged more points per game (ppg) than the Lakers among teams in the top-10 of opponents ppg allowed, if Brown can instill the defensive culture that made the Cavs the best defensive team in 08-09 and fifth best in 09-10, he might be able to convince Dwight Howard to come West, which could maintain the Lakers' perennial position at the top of the NBA's hierarchy. But, if they can't attract Howard then Brown will likely receive blame for the shortcomings of a team that became evident to the entire league in the 2011 playoffs.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Dopplegangers of Conference Finals' Head Coaches
DBSF can't help but notice that this year's coaches in the NBA Finals look suspiciously similar to other celebrities. For example, there's Oklahoma City's Scott Brooks and Liam Niesson:
Dallas Mavericks' Coach Rick Carlisle and Jim Carrey:
Miami Heat Coach Eric Spoelstra and John Leguizamo:
And, Chicago Bulls' Coach Tom Thibodeau and Jon Lovitz:
Too bad the Wizards didn't make the Eastern Conference Finals considering that the Google Images archive looks plenty deep with Eddie Money shots.
Dallas Mavericks' Coach Rick Carlisle and Jim Carrey:
Miami Heat Coach Eric Spoelstra and John Leguizamo:
And, Chicago Bulls' Coach Tom Thibodeau and Jon Lovitz:
Too bad the Wizards didn't make the Eastern Conference Finals considering that the Google Images archive looks plenty deep with Eddie Money shots.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
2011 NBA Mock Draft -- Reactions.v1
With the NBA completing it's lottery selection on Wednesday, the internet is a-mmhhhmm with mock drafts. DBSF fancied it would be unique for him to apply his sardonic lower-middle-class-elitistism to a stranger's careful analysis. Without further delay, the first ten picks as projected by Yahoo Sports:
1. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Kyrie Irving (Duke)
The pick that replaces LeBron. That is if LeBron were like a less good Chris Paul. Another way to look at it is if LeBron were Luke Ridnour this would be a definite improvement and recompense wholly, or at least three-quarters wholly for the "Decision" fiasco. The Cavs had the second worst record and will essentially be replacing Baron Davis (who grant it, missed games to pick up his dry cleaning and to celebrate religious holidays of religions he didn't practice) with a 19 year old PG that has half a season of college basketball in his pocket. Thus, the Cavs should be in great shape, statistically speaking, to earn a 0.25 chance (i.e., the highest probability to win the lottery) at the top spot in next year's draft.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves -- Derrick Williams (Airzona)
(equals)
(minus)
3. Utah Jazz -- Kemba Walker (UConn)
Kemba is a two-guard who played the one in college because he fell one inch short of the 6'1" height requirement for NCAA two-guards. He's a non-British Ben Gordon. He's JJ Barea-tough-to-defend, but JJ Barea-easy-to-score-on.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Jonas Valanciunas (Lithuania)
A large Lithuanian. How original. When ever the front end of the draft is loaded with a bunch of 6'10"-plus Europeans you know things are bleak. Remember that for every Dirk Nowitzki (or, for one Dirk Nowitzki) there are countess Nikoloz Tskitishvili's and even more who never make it across the pond. Of course, the latter group provides anecdotal value during the Olympics (e.g., 'although drafted Nemanja Bjelica is yet to play a game in the NBA'. GTK).
5. Toronto Raptors -- Brandon Knight (Kentucky)
He was born in 1991. People born in 1991 don't possess a sufficient competitive basketball resume to judge them for college basketball much less the NBA. The only thing you can be sure of people born in 1991 is that they like love XBox Live and they grew up texting, which means without the technology of automatic spell check they represent the generation that would fundamentally alter spelling of the Nglsh Lngwage. Coincidentally, they also will spur the linguistic rebellion leading to acronyms entering the vernacular at a rate that would make government employees and accountants blush.
6. Washington Wizards -- Jan Vesely (Belgrade)
7. Sacramento Kings -- Bismack Biyombo (Spain)
Word is Biyombo's an excellent athlete with great size but raw w/r/t actually playing basketball. Where have we seen that before? Oh yeah, 75% of lottery picks in every draft ever. Sure he could become the next Serge Ibaka but much like Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox, Biyombo very well might just become the next Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox.
8. Detroit Pistons -- Enes Kanter (Kentucky)
Saying Kanter is from Kentucky (where he was ineligible to play his only year) is like saying Brandon Jennings it from Italy. Scouts say Kanter has a great NBA body. You know who DBSF thinks has a great NBA body? Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, most starting PFs. Fortunately because the Pistons rarely score more than 75 points a game, the team won't expect much offensive output from the 19 year old Turk.
9. Charlotte Bobcats -- Donatas Motiejunas (Italy)
So . . .many . . . foreigners. Motiejunas is listed at 7'0" 215 lbs. Translated to a normal height that's like being a grown-up and weighing 130lbs. DBSF has a good feeling that Motiejunas won't be called for too many three-second violations next season.
10. Milwaukee Bucks -- Marcus Morris (Kansas)
Upside he's Udonis Haslem, downside he's any other mid-first round pick from the last ten drafts whose size and strength allowed him to dominate in college but upon arriving in the NBA and encountering twos and threes with the same body and athleticism (and with better perimeter play) his game becomes inadequate. The only way Morris sticks in the league is if he rebounds, hustles, and takes charges. So, basically become Udonis Haslem.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Kyrie Irving (Duke)
The pick that replaces LeBron. That is if LeBron were like a less good Chris Paul. Another way to look at it is if LeBron were Luke Ridnour this would be a definite improvement and recompense wholly, or at least three-quarters wholly for the "Decision" fiasco. The Cavs had the second worst record and will essentially be replacing Baron Davis (who grant it, missed games to pick up his dry cleaning and to celebrate religious holidays of religions he didn't practice) with a 19 year old PG that has half a season of college basketball in his pocket. Thus, the Cavs should be in great shape, statistically speaking, to earn a 0.25 chance (i.e., the highest probability to win the lottery) at the top spot in next year's draft.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves -- Derrick Williams (Airzona)
(equals)
(minus)
3. Utah Jazz -- Kemba Walker (UConn)
Kemba is a two-guard who played the one in college because he fell one inch short of the 6'1" height requirement for NCAA two-guards. He's a non-British Ben Gordon. He's JJ Barea-tough-to-defend, but JJ Barea-easy-to-score-on.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Jonas Valanciunas (Lithuania)
A large Lithuanian. How original. When ever the front end of the draft is loaded with a bunch of 6'10"-plus Europeans you know things are bleak. Remember that for every Dirk Nowitzki (or, for one Dirk Nowitzki) there are countess Nikoloz Tskitishvili's and even more who never make it across the pond. Of course, the latter group provides anecdotal value during the Olympics (e.g., 'although drafted Nemanja Bjelica is yet to play a game in the NBA'. GTK).
5. Toronto Raptors -- Brandon Knight (Kentucky)
He was born in 1991. People born in 1991 don't possess a sufficient competitive basketball resume to judge them for college basketball much less the NBA. The only thing you can be sure of people born in 1991 is that they like love XBox Live and they grew up texting, which means without the technology of automatic spell check they represent the generation that would fundamentally alter spelling of the Nglsh Lngwage. Coincidentally, they also will spur the linguistic rebellion leading to acronyms entering the vernacular at a rate that would make government employees and accountants blush.
6. Washington Wizards -- Jan Vesely (Belgrade)
7. Sacramento Kings -- Bismack Biyombo (Spain)
Word is Biyombo's an excellent athlete with great size but raw w/r/t actually playing basketball. Where have we seen that before? Oh yeah, 75% of lottery picks in every draft ever. Sure he could become the next Serge Ibaka but much like Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox, Biyombo very well might just become the next Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox.
8. Detroit Pistons -- Enes Kanter (Kentucky)
Saying Kanter is from Kentucky (where he was ineligible to play his only year) is like saying Brandon Jennings it from Italy. Scouts say Kanter has a great NBA body. You know who DBSF thinks has a great NBA body? Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, most starting PFs. Fortunately because the Pistons rarely score more than 75 points a game, the team won't expect much offensive output from the 19 year old Turk.
9. Charlotte Bobcats -- Donatas Motiejunas (Italy)
So . . .many . . . foreigners. Motiejunas is listed at 7'0" 215 lbs. Translated to a normal height that's like being a grown-up and weighing 130lbs. DBSF has a good feeling that Motiejunas won't be called for too many three-second violations next season.
10. Milwaukee Bucks -- Marcus Morris (Kansas)
Upside he's Udonis Haslem, downside he's any other mid-first round pick from the last ten drafts whose size and strength allowed him to dominate in college but upon arriving in the NBA and encountering twos and threes with the same body and athleticism (and with better perimeter play) his game becomes inadequate. The only way Morris sticks in the league is if he rebounds, hustles, and takes charges. So, basically become Udonis Haslem.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Legit Man-Violence
The AP, among others, is reporting that former NBA don't-take-no-mess/ basically-reciprocate-anytime-opponents-rough-up-Jordan-and-or-other-talent forward Charles Oakley is suing a Vegas Casino after he was allegedly taken into his room and beaten by 5 security guards for causing some pool-side disruption.
DBSF has to believe that this was some grown-man ultraviolence. Besides the fact that he is 6'9" two-fifty, Oakley was one of the last old-school-Rick Mahorn-type players who exhibited minimal evidence of discriminating against violence on the basketball court.
Oakley wasn't some modern-day Denver Nugget hurling punches at the air hoping to flex some tatted muscles en route to enhanced street creed; he seemed to embrace physicality because physicality in itself was inherently good. Grant it, Oakley's 47 now, but DBSF doubts Vegas casinos send 5-man clubbing crews anytime benzoylmethyl ecgonine gets the better of Gucci-festooned SoCal trust fund beneficiaries.
Further, considering that Oakley is Michael Jordan's best bud, it probably wasn't in the best interest of Aria hotel and casino to potentially indirectly offend one of America's great gamblers.
DBSF has to believe that this was some grown-man ultraviolence. Besides the fact that he is 6'9" two-fifty, Oakley was one of the last old-school-Rick Mahorn-type players who exhibited minimal evidence of discriminating against violence on the basketball court.
Oakley wasn't some modern-day Denver Nugget hurling punches at the air hoping to flex some tatted muscles en route to enhanced street creed; he seemed to embrace physicality because physicality in itself was inherently good. Grant it, Oakley's 47 now, but DBSF doubts Vegas casinos send 5-man clubbing crews anytime benzoylmethyl ecgonine gets the better of Gucci-festooned SoCal trust fund beneficiaries.
Further, considering that Oakley is Michael Jordan's best bud, it probably wasn't in the best interest of Aria hotel and casino to potentially indirectly offend one of America's great gamblers.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Top 5 All-Time Basketball Video Games
DBSF played video games religiously--albeit, poorly--until game-makers added a fourth button to controllers. Once technology expanded beyond 16-bit and side-scrolling was replaced with three-dimensional angles, which little did the good people at Sega and Nintendo know 15 years ago that their version of 3-D wasn't really 3-D and that it would actually take the likes of James Cameron and a dwindling DVD market to show us what real life actual 3-D looks like--which grant it, is a noticeable improvement but is more living room hologramish a la a Princess Lea's plea to Obi-Wan Kenobi via R2D2 than the empirical tactility of touching say the actual game controller in the first place, DBSF's attention faded to other televisual romcom-based interests.
Although he's lost touch with the gaming world (Does GamePro still rate graphics, sound and gameplay based on the five-part scale of faces ranging from jonesing to orgasmic?), he still feels it appropriate to reflect on some all-time basketball games.
#1 Bill Lambier Combat Basketball (SNES)
Highlight: Based on the title screen apparently one of the creators at Hudson Soft thought that futuristic (the game takes place in 2030) robot-basketball players sport manicured goatees, women's sunglasses, one large hoop earing, and purple-dyed hair (the gentleman over Bill's right shoulder).
#2 Hoops (NES)
Highlight(s): There are actually two. First, the development team at Jaleco was clearly into physical fitness as all players run in place while not playing defense, offense, or really anything besides shooting the ball. Second, is that a young LeVar Burton from Reading Rainbow dunking in a black tank top over a white t-shirt on the cover of the game?
#3 Jammit (SNES, Genesis)
Highlight: This game captures most racial stereotypes of white people who had minimal to no interactions with black people in the 1990s. The players look violent and angry, the background of the court screams urban decay, players have nicknames like "In 2 It" and "Cutthroat", and inevitably there is a boom box next to the court. However, the player is uncertain if the boombox is actually playing or simply there for aesthetics. Oh, and the game is predicated on dunking and three-point shooting--DBSF knows what you're thinking, how did the creators at GTE know about the JR Smith stereotype in 1994 when he was only 9 years old?
#4 Charles Barkely Shut Up and Jam! (Genesis)
Highlight: Probably the most homo-erotic 16-bit basketball game to date. Check out the 'team captain' selection screen (around 15 seconds in). That's a lot of gym-bulk, gay-cut dudes in spandex without shirts for one urban, spray-painted basketball court. You think the two guys that went t-shirt for the photo shoot are self-conscious about something?
#5 Rap Jam: Volume One (SNES)
Highlight(s): You can play one-on-one with Queen Latifah vs. Yo-Yo. 100% serious. The racial stereotyping indicator registers pretty high on this one too. Apparently, rap and hip-hop's biggest stars of the mid-1990s prefer playing basketball on dilapidated courts (although in this game the background shows a decrepit fence, rather than a spray-painted decaying brick wall), and don't have the means for actual baskets so they fasten (what looks like an upside-down) basket to some old oil drums?
Although he's lost touch with the gaming world (Does GamePro still rate graphics, sound and gameplay based on the five-part scale of faces ranging from jonesing to orgasmic?), he still feels it appropriate to reflect on some all-time basketball games.
#1 Bill Lambier Combat Basketball (SNES)
Highlight: Based on the title screen apparently one of the creators at Hudson Soft thought that futuristic (the game takes place in 2030) robot-basketball players sport manicured goatees, women's sunglasses, one large hoop earing, and purple-dyed hair (the gentleman over Bill's right shoulder).
#2 Hoops (NES)
Highlight(s): There are actually two. First, the development team at Jaleco was clearly into physical fitness as all players run in place while not playing defense, offense, or really anything besides shooting the ball. Second, is that a young LeVar Burton from Reading Rainbow dunking in a black tank top over a white t-shirt on the cover of the game?
#3 Jammit (SNES, Genesis)
Highlight: This game captures most racial stereotypes of white people who had minimal to no interactions with black people in the 1990s. The players look violent and angry, the background of the court screams urban decay, players have nicknames like "In 2 It" and "Cutthroat", and inevitably there is a boom box next to the court. However, the player is uncertain if the boombox is actually playing or simply there for aesthetics. Oh, and the game is predicated on dunking and three-point shooting--DBSF knows what you're thinking, how did the creators at GTE know about the JR Smith stereotype in 1994 when he was only 9 years old?
#4 Charles Barkely Shut Up and Jam! (Genesis)
Highlight: Probably the most homo-erotic 16-bit basketball game to date. Check out the 'team captain' selection screen (around 15 seconds in). That's a lot of gym-bulk, gay-cut dudes in spandex without shirts for one urban, spray-painted basketball court. You think the two guys that went t-shirt for the photo shoot are self-conscious about something?
#5 Rap Jam: Volume One (SNES)
Highlight(s): You can play one-on-one with Queen Latifah vs. Yo-Yo. 100% serious. The racial stereotyping indicator registers pretty high on this one too. Apparently, rap and hip-hop's biggest stars of the mid-1990s prefer playing basketball on dilapidated courts (although in this game the background shows a decrepit fence, rather than a spray-painted decaying brick wall), and don't have the means for actual baskets so they fasten (what looks like an upside-down) basket to some old oil drums?
Monday, May 9, 2011
DBSF Comps Week Edition
In the midst of field comps, DBSF lacks time and the cognitive fortitude to construct his normal galatically-altering prose. As such, he is quote-mailing it in (end quote). In the above clip, Andrew Bynum summed-up his career thus far. The often-injured but much-hyped Bynum takes out his frustration over getting swept by forearming an unsuspecting JJ Barea in the ribs on an otherwise uncontested lay-up.
Not only did Bynum fart in Phil Jackson's already spoiled last game by committing a foul that suggested Jackson had literally no control over his players. But, it also made DBSF think that Lakers' practices were way more Arched Rivals than Eastern philosophy meets American ultra-athleticism meets German precision.
Cheap-shotting the 5'10" Barrea is grounds for NBA-style Siberian exile in DBSF's book. In other words, Kevin Love should be a Laker and Bynum should suffer the Timberwolvian existence of perpetual winter only interupted to find out that after losing an NBA record 70 games, yet again you got the third overall pick (the worst-case scenario) and yet again you will be picking a 6'7" tweener who's exceptional collegiate athleticism fails to translate to the NBA, but does impress some scouts on Panathinaikos.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Iconic Photo of Situation Room: Admiral Style
by: the Admiral
The White House has released this instantly iconic photo of the President’s inner circle in the Situation Room observing the raid on Osama Bin Laden.
(click to enlarge)
I do have to be honest though. This isn’t the actual photo. I photoshopped in this lady.
Brian Cardinal: Still in the NBA
It's good to be white. Anytime you're suspicious of white people's privlege in the good 'ole US of A remember two words: Brian (and) Cardinal. Do you know what team Brian Cardinal would be playing on if he was black? DBSF doesn't know the name of any second-tier Turkish teams either.
So, DBSF was perusing the Lakers-Maverick's box score last night, when who does he come across having played 0:00 minutes (Coaches decision)? No other than, one Brian Cardinal.
After he had a cup of coffee with the Wizards 8 or so seasons ago DBSF assumed Brian had packed it up to work on his Italian and hoist threes for some Florentine quasi-pro squad, or--another popular NBA retiree option--returned to his hometown to charge usurious rates to parents of over-privileged, mildly obese middle schoolers for individual basketball lessons.
"No, Ronnie you shoot at the basket. Yes, the basket. That's it the round thing up there. No . . . we can't . . . we haven't started the lesson yet. Fine, yes, yes then snack break it is."
Under the same perverse cosmic circumstances that put Spencer Pratt on years of People magazine covers, an unathletic 6'8" forward, who in 6 of his 11 seasons shot under 40%, is still getting free sharp, new NBA gear, and infinitely indecisive on how far down on the bench to sit after timeouts. (No, Brian not on the floor with the photographers. You can sit in the cushioned seats with the team name on the back, just make sure it's not next to anybody with a basketball uniform on.)
Perhaps DBSF harbors such animosity towards Cardinal because during his 5 game stint with the Wizard in 02-03 he shot an abismal 25%--a percentage that would make even Brandon Jennings stop shooting. For all DBSF knows Cardinal could have won like umpteen league community service awards for volunteering at functions that involve him reading to individuals--likely young ones--otherwise oblivious to the written word.
As for the scouting report on Cardinal, of the 100 FGs he attempted this season 87 were threes. Inside the three point line he was 1-13. Basically, he's THAT white guy that plods along the three point line waiting for an uncontested shot. If he has the ball and a defender is within 6 feet of him? Twenty second timeout, you put in a great evening Brian.
So, DBSF was perusing the Lakers-Maverick's box score last night, when who does he come across having played 0:00 minutes (Coaches decision)? No other than, one Brian Cardinal.
After he had a cup of coffee with the Wizards 8 or so seasons ago DBSF assumed Brian had packed it up to work on his Italian and hoist threes for some Florentine quasi-pro squad, or--another popular NBA retiree option--returned to his hometown to charge usurious rates to parents of over-privileged, mildly obese middle schoolers for individual basketball lessons.
"No, Ronnie you shoot at the basket. Yes, the basket. That's it the round thing up there. No . . . we can't . . . we haven't started the lesson yet. Fine, yes, yes then snack break it is."
Under the same perverse cosmic circumstances that put Spencer Pratt on years of People magazine covers, an unathletic 6'8" forward, who in 6 of his 11 seasons shot under 40%, is still getting free sharp, new NBA gear, and infinitely indecisive on how far down on the bench to sit after timeouts. (No, Brian not on the floor with the photographers. You can sit in the cushioned seats with the team name on the back, just make sure it's not next to anybody with a basketball uniform on.)
Perhaps DBSF harbors such animosity towards Cardinal because during his 5 game stint with the Wizard in 02-03 he shot an abismal 25%--a percentage that would make even Brandon Jennings stop shooting. For all DBSF knows Cardinal could have won like umpteen league community service awards for volunteering at functions that involve him reading to individuals--likely young ones--otherwise oblivious to the written word.
As for the scouting report on Cardinal, of the 100 FGs he attempted this season 87 were threes. Inside the three point line he was 1-13. Basically, he's THAT white guy that plods along the three point line waiting for an uncontested shot. If he has the ball and a defender is within 6 feet of him? Twenty second timeout, you put in a great evening Brian.
Monday, May 2, 2011
High Art via the Future of the Internet/ How DBSF Learned to Keep the Internet Afloat and Love JR Smith: DBSF Anniversary Edition
April 23, 2010 the internet was facing the fate of the telegraph, and Speak and Spell--it was becoming a victim of the modern age. But from the top of the key (i.e., somewhere in the lower- but not so-lower-middle class environs of PG County) DBSF emerged, charged to the foul line, crossed-over, Byron Russell-forearmed away modernity, stepped back, and hit the game winner that kept the internet ever-influx, -intrigued, and (most importantly) -existent. In honor of the anniversary and Herculean accomplishment, DBSF reminisces on some compact fluorescent highlights:
Post 1: DBSF calls Brandon Jennings rookie of the year. In the year since, Jennings is doing to the field goal percentage in basketball what Mario Mendoza did to the batting average in baseball. If there was any doubt as to DBSF's utter ignorance with respect to projecting sports' performance, post 1 presents a valuable premonition (which is odd--kind of like facing one mirror toward another and seeing the infinite sameness--in that DBSF was capable of correctly predicting that he is incapable of correctly predicting events; any readers with a post-Algebra II comprehension of arithmetic are encouraged to take a stab at the theoretical underpinnings).
Up there with Einstein's Theory of Relativity, DBSF discovered the Theory of the Inverse Relationship between Basketball Ability and Fashion.
Determined the answer to the mass-transportation conundrum: how do we get all those people from one place to another place?
DBSF enters theatre. Quickly exits. Stage right. DBSF Re-enters theatre. And, stays.
DBSF remembers a great. If you take nothing from DBSF (or if you are not cultured enough to appreciate such high art), remember that Andre the Giant allegedly once drank 327 beers in one sitting.
Chris Collinsworth . . . well Chris Collinsworth basically makes DBSF appreciative that all those good people at the FBI are so rigorous in identifying "threats" to our children and require the threats to identify (i.e., "register") themselves.
DBSF challenged Team AI's understanding of geography.
A dude that looks fluent in Staten Island punches an old man at a tennis game (er, match). Good thing the fashionably-cut t-shirt wearing octogenarian-puncher wasn't black, called a racist name, and had a beer poured on him because that results in a $7 million fine/ lost compensation. If you're white and from "the Island"? Penalty? "Yah, yah, bra. Chil' bra'. Yah, yah, you needda chill bra."
DBSF recognized a hero-cum-punter, who to the local populace in Brookland, at least, is indistinguishable from Ben Roethlisberger.
DBSF introduced us to sub-humans, and sub- sub-humans.
DBSF sympathizes with the Cavs, while lamenting that he doesn't possess Blake Griffin's physical gifts.
It's been a grand year. Year two's goals consist of lavishing praise on Serge Ibaka to the limits of pre-restraining orderdom, and of establishing the anti-, anti-Jimmer Fredette NBA Fan Club (i.e., DBSF isn't cheering for/ against Jimmer just against people that cheer against him).
Post 1: DBSF calls Brandon Jennings rookie of the year. In the year since, Jennings is doing to the field goal percentage in basketball what Mario Mendoza did to the batting average in baseball. If there was any doubt as to DBSF's utter ignorance with respect to projecting sports' performance, post 1 presents a valuable premonition (which is odd--kind of like facing one mirror toward another and seeing the infinite sameness--in that DBSF was capable of correctly predicting that he is incapable of correctly predicting events; any readers with a post-Algebra II comprehension of arithmetic are encouraged to take a stab at the theoretical underpinnings).
Up there with Einstein's Theory of Relativity, DBSF discovered the Theory of the Inverse Relationship between Basketball Ability and Fashion.
Determined the answer to the mass-transportation conundrum: how do we get all those people from one place to another place?
DBSF enters theatre. Quickly exits. Stage right. DBSF Re-enters theatre. And, stays.
DBSF remembers a great. If you take nothing from DBSF (or if you are not cultured enough to appreciate such high art), remember that Andre the Giant allegedly once drank 327 beers in one sitting.
Chris Collinsworth . . . well Chris Collinsworth basically makes DBSF appreciative that all those good people at the FBI are so rigorous in identifying "threats" to our children and require the threats to identify (i.e., "register") themselves.
DBSF challenged Team AI's understanding of geography.
A dude that looks fluent in Staten Island punches an old man at a tennis game (er, match). Good thing the fashionably-cut t-shirt wearing octogenarian-puncher wasn't black, called a racist name, and had a beer poured on him because that results in a $7 million fine/ lost compensation. If you're white and from "the Island"? Penalty? "Yah, yah, bra. Chil' bra'. Yah, yah, you needda chill bra."
DBSF recognized a hero-cum-punter, who to the local populace in Brookland, at least, is indistinguishable from Ben Roethlisberger.
DBSF introduced us to sub-humans, and sub- sub-humans.
DBSF sympathizes with the Cavs, while lamenting that he doesn't possess Blake Griffin's physical gifts.
It's been a grand year. Year two's goals consist of lavishing praise on Serge Ibaka to the limits of pre-restraining orderdom, and of establishing the anti-, anti-Jimmer Fredette NBA Fan Club (i.e., DBSF isn't cheering for/ against Jimmer just against people that cheer against him).
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