Post-lockout Acquisitions: Infinitely Qualified (to the point of arbitrary) Reactions & Analysis

With the NFL's lockout ending this week, players have been getting traded, signed, cut, and ignored like its Friday night at the Leather Palace. DBSF feels it appropriate to weigh in . . .

Albert Haynesworth to the Patriots for a 5th round pick: For every New Englandophiliac proclaiming from the top of their fashionable jersey-tshirt of Carl Crawford or Adrian Gonzalez or John Lackey or whatever recently purchased free agent that Belichick pulled out another 'Randy Moss', consider two things. First, in light of the omniscience and omnipotence that Pats' fans grant him, DBSF is highly suspicious of Belichick's ability to control a 6'6" 335 lbs (note: that's his media guide wieght; i.e., round up to the next hundred, so 400 lbs) individual who has spent this decade and the latter part of the prior decade illustrating that he possesses a most tenuous grasp on rationality/ reality/ sanity. Second--and by far most important--last time DBSF checked Boston has bars and liquor stores too. Redskins made out on this one.

Titans release Vince Young: The more important story here is that the rest of the NFL's reaction to his release seems to be: "Who gives a salami?" Yeah Young has the winning record and the two Pro Bowl selections, but he also has a commensurate amount of dedication to his trade as that of pizza delivery men if the job forbid taking bowl hits between deliveries.

Bill's sign Brad Smith to 4-year $15 million: In the last three seasons Smith has 21 catches for no touchdowns. Grant it he emerged as a kick returner with two kicks returned for TDs, but this contract definitely looks like the result of an Excel data entry error on the part of some intern on the Bills' talent evaluation staff. Like, some SUNY grad student in sports management, who had like 9 miller lites the night before, strolled in and just cut and pasted with abandon. Seeing as the team lead for the talent evaluation staff moved straight into the front office after 9 years as a back-up LB for the Jets or something probably leads him, the team lead, to accept talent spreadsheets form the aforementioned SUNY grad student at face value considering that his, the team lead again, first experience with Excel resulted in a very embarrassing mishap where he attempted to fill out the cells on the computer screen with different colored markers, which resulted in the Bill's front office needing to procure him one new Dell 19" monitor.

Saints trade Reggie Bush to the Dolphins: Reggie Bush--phenomenal flag-football, mediocre tackle-football player. Whether it's Kyle Orton or Chad Henne throwing to him next year, both better recognize that Bush only takes passes far into the flats and will be out of bounds within 8 yards of the line of scrimmage. Throw it to him across the middle and he will return to the huddle and accuse you of misunderstanding the play you called; ironically the play you did call entailed Reggie running to the flat on the side of the field with the fewest defenders.

Kevin Kolb to the Cardinal for Rodgers-Cromartie: This will work out well for both teams, and then in week 6 Michael Vick will get injured on his 13th carry of the game and be out for two weeks. At that time Andy Reid will turn and look to either Vince Young, who will be so engrossed in his Nintendo 3DS game of Lego Harry Potter: Years 5-7 that he will fail to notice that his jersey is on backward so it looks like he plays for 'Young' and his last name is 'Eagles', or to Matt Hasselbeck, who will be 5-years-old-Christmas-morning-eager to get in the game and believe, fully 100% no doubt/ the earth circles the sun/ gravity bears us down to earth/ carbon is a critical, critical element to existence that he will lead the team to victory on 400 yards plus of throwing. While Andy Reid will no doubt admire these hallucinations, Reid knows punting or kneeling the ball would be preferable to the inevitable 'batted down pass-batted down pass-interception-overthrown screen-interception-batted down pass' combination of Hasselbeck's next 6 drop-backs.

Dennis Rodman--Ed Hardie'd Out; Yao's Parturition

Last night the Seattle Mariner's lost their 15th straight game. This came as big news to most sports fans, who didn't know that Seattle still had an MLB team. If Felix Hernandez ever leaves the Mariner's then they should be required to play at least a quarter of their games in double-A Southern League.

Yahoo! Sports covered Dennis Rodman's 50th birthday party (threw it two months late; why not?). DBSF is just glad to see that--even at 50--Rodman is still going full house in Ed Hardie couture--hat, shirt, sunglasses, fashionable bracelet (presumably).



The Minnesota Timberwolves are supposedly interviewing Bernie Bickerstaff to replace Kevin McHale. Considering that Bernie hasn't coached a winning team since the 1998 inaugural Washington Wizards team, and that he finishes above .500 about one-third of the seasons he coaches this should come as great news to every team in the NBA not called 'the Minnesota Timberwolves'. DBSF feels like Bickerstaff is perennially coaching either the Wizards, the TWolves, or some derivation of the two--the kind of team that wins as many games as the Patriots do in the regular season and playoffs combined, and remains dedicated to drafting 6'9" ultra-athletic UNC power forwards that don't like to bang, and don't/ won't/ can't develop a jump shot.

And finally, an homage to Yao with what represents perhaps the best birthing-recreation scene followed by the best "Yao Ming in a business suit, jet-skiing on a shark in a psychedelically pink East China Sea" scene.

Javier Bardem--NFLPA not Tied to a Deadline; et al

The labor negotiations between the formerly unionized NFL players and team owners either are or aren't close to ending in a deal. Interestingly, the NFLPA sent its President, Javier Bardem, to broker a deal on behalf of the players. On the plus-side it looks like he left his cattle gun at home; but, on the minus side it also looks like he left Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz at home :(



Some good news about the lockout is that for every week negotiations drag on it becomes more and more likely that Albert Haynesworth will be able to make the start of training camp. The mathematical formula is something like + weeks of lock-out = - days of training camp Haynesworth misses.

In the NBA, Delente West announced that he wants to return to the Celtics. Clearly, Delente doesn't subscribe to the 'beggars can't be choosers' philosophy seeing as his Desperado-stint, alleged turmoil with the James family, and fist sights with teammates qualifies his appeal to teams. Then again his drive-thru free-styling game is pretty on point.



Celtic teammate, Avery Bradley, announced that he wants to play overseas during the work stoppage. So do NBA teams, Avery. 6'2" shooting guard that weigh a buck-eighty with a dump in them don't have much shelf life in the NBA unless they're Mormon.

In golf, Tiger announced that he fired his long-time caddy, Stevie Williams. No real story here except that apparently there is a grown man who still goes by "Stevie". (Hopefully, the FBI already has a file.) In fact, there is no news in golf until Tiger starts winning. Until then golf is Men's tennis with better panoramic shots. You think Americans are going to spend their Sunday afternoons watching a couple Northern Irish battle it out somewhere in upstate New York for a million bucks? Considering virtually all Americans have no concept that Norther Ireland is not, in fact, a part of Ireland suggests this to be highly unlikely. (Vijay Singh could always have a resurgence. Yes, Vijay, who possesses the likability of a Ryan Leaf-Amber from Teen Mom Siamese twin.)



In baseball, Adam Dunn is 0-23 on the season when down 0-2 in the count (20Ks), is batting juuuuusst under .144 with runners in scoring position, doesn't have a hit in 25% of the stadiums he's played in this season, and just got his average against lefties up to .031. Fortunately, although he's thought about quitting baseball it won't be until he stops having fun; not, of course, because he's only in the first year of a $56 million contract.

Dwight Howard--not sayin' too much, James Harrison--pretty much saying whatever he wants

Dwight Howard made news this week when he announced that he is entertaining the idea of playing abroad next season. In true Dwight Howard fashion, the center exhibited the reserve and deliberation NBA fans have come to expect.

"The big thing for me is not giving too much information away . . ." Huh? "I'm not at liberty to talk about it . . ." Really? "but, there's a huge possibility about me going to China or me going overseas to play basketball." Bombshell. There it is. But, DBSF even did some editing to build excitement. Dwight's actual quote went "I'm not at liberty to talk about it, but there's a huge possibility about me going to China or me going overseas to play basketball." DBSF is so appreciative that despite not being at liberty to discuss the matter that immediately following--in the same sentence--he 100%, dead-on, was in fact at liberty and willing to pretty much give away all information.

At the same time, some folks seem to be getting worked up that James Harrison insulted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, his teammate QB Ben Roethlisberger, fascism, neo-fascism, opponents of childhood obesity, the cast and crew of Blossom, linux-based operating systems, diuretics, polytheism, one-year MFA programs, and a range of other unrelated--save to one James Harrison--topics/ life forms/ carbon-based matter.

Some have questioned whether or not the Goodell and the NFL should punish Harrison once the collective bargaining agreement is reached (sans CBA trash-talking and senior-year beach week amounts of pot smoking are totally kosher). DBSF's response--you gonna be the person to tell this guy he's getting fined or suspended?

Kurt Rambis: Looking Back

Earlier this week it was announced that the Minnesota Timberwolves had fired their head coach, a very normal looking Kurt Rambis. Now, you might ask why DBSF would use such a descriptor, like "very normal looking", to identify an individual (as Kevin Costner-esque pictured below). Therefore, DBSF feels compelled to provide visual documentation of Rambis from his playing days in the 1980's and early 1990's with the LA Lakers (as well as intermittent play with the Hornets, Suns, and Kings).



Phase 1--the standard 'grabbed a rebound, turned for the outlet pass, found/ took a date to Chuck E Cheese' (or, the arcade . . . it was the '80s) look. 1980's LA Lakers are fair game for pedophilia jokes seeing as they spent a decade pulling like Aaron Carter would have at a moderate-income, northern Florida white high school in the early 2000s.



Phase 2--laid-back Kurt Rambis. This picture makes DBSF think of a mix between the 1985 Chicago Bears' "Superbowl Shuffle" music video and Weekend at Bernie's.



Phase 3--Milton Waddams. If it weren't for Rambis's being white it is possible that a glitch in the NBA's HR system allowed him to stay in the league for 14 seasons (otherwise known as the "Brendan Haywood" glitch). Regardless, Rambis definitely looks like he wants his stapler back.



Phase 4--the 'I'm-going-to-kill-everyone-here' look. Rambis doesn't have that violent, wanton disregard for others/ inherent malevolent look of mass murderers; rather, it's more of a "today's a good day for everyone in the cult to die" blank stare. Optimistic mass suicidism, if that's a phrase. This look, this exact look is why agencies, like the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security, keep suspicious persons' lists.



And, finally the 'you're probably going to be a smoke-show in 3 years look' from KR (DBSF, has, at last, resorted to initializing Kurt's name like KG or B2K). Rambis had a recurring role on 7th Heaven as a coach. This picture doesn't do much for documenting KR's odd style and facial hair but there's something camp/ hipster-ironic about an ex-NBA player staring down a 14 year old Jessica Biel. That and KR kind of reminds DBSF of a taller, skinnier Randy Quaid in this picture for some reason.

Matt Leinart just Learns that there is a Lockout

Ultimate party-bro Matt Leinart, a back-up QB for the Houston Texans which is commensurate in title to being the Deputy Sous-Chef at Quiznos, apparently just learned that the NFL Players Association of which he is a due-paying member has been in a lock out with NFL team owners since March. The existence of 24-hour internet and cable news information and the fact that Leinart has professionally watched football games while wearing a head-set for the last 5 years caused this news to come as quite a surprise to NFL fans. But, DBSF feels it necessary to explain how this very reasonable circumstance occurred.

When the season ends for Matt in November--grant it yes, DBSF recognizes that the NFL season runs through December for non-playoff teams and into February for Superbowl contenders, but for Matt anything past week 10 is "waaaay long, bro and places like Green Bay and Cincinnati are way, way cold"--he and his best friend, "Shimbs", take Shimbs's dad's yacht for a month long world tour.



Well, actually they never undocked from the Marina Del Ray Yacht Club this year because Shimbs's dad refused to give him the key until he, Shimbs, finally covered the $85 in court fees for Shimbs's last DWI. (As with the four prior DWIs his Dad covered all other court costs; the $85 simply reflected a paternal attempt at instilling responsibility for one's actions, which usually ended up with Schimbs's dad one day finding $85 less in his wallet and Shimbs ready to contribute only $60 of the $85 to the cause and the remains of a Bud Ice thirty pack littered across the driveway).

There was also the issue that after last season when Matt and Shimbs decided they were going to drive the boat to Afghanistan to 'surprise the troops' but the 11 beers and bottle of Chambord they brought to cover the 10,000 mile-plus trip was finished before they reached the Pacific, which required them to turn around, which led to Shimbs getting his first Yachting While Intoxicated-charge--hit a school of kayakers--which he, Shimbs still, couldn't mentally process that there existed a concept, much less laws prohibiting,the consumption of alcohol while driving a boat.

Thus, without cable or internet access on the Yacht--they only had to 9 or 10 dozen porn DVDs, and the first three seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond on VHS--there was no way for Matt to know until June, at the earliest, that the Lock-out was in place.



For the last 35 days, Matt and two high school friends--Hex and Lambo--have been mountain biking in the morning (i.e., 2pm to 4pm for the rest of the world), trying to brew their own beer in Hex's bathtub (Hex is Matt's one home-owning friend, he received a substantial sum in a civil suit after a bouncer broke both of his arms outside of a club back 2 or 8 years ago), and then at night they've been working on a football-action-thriller movie script (they simply combine the plots of Weekend at Bernie's with Weekend at Bernie's 2 but the cast only wears football pennies) while bare foot skateboarding in Hex's backyard while also cleaning out 20-25 beers each until the neighbors call the police and the boys have to go back inside and play some Medal Of Honor or Rainbow Six--which Lambo is by far the dominant player so they usually stick to Medal of Honor where the tables are much, much more even--until they have to start the day again after 11 hours or so of shut-eye.

So, when Matt realized yesterday that no checks had been going into his bank account for the last 4 months and he called his agent's daughter--who no way would he date for another two years until she turns 18, but definitely, definitely not date for at least another year--it was then that he found out that no he hadn't forgot again what seasons and months football was played. The players were locked out.

DBSF rants about Michael Vick, again

Michael Vick represents perhaps the most intriguing NFL superstar of this generation. His dog fighting case exposed a racial divide (i.e., Google “Tucker Carlson Michael Vick” or “Sean Hannity Michael Vick” to gain some insight on whites' vitriolic reactions) and a Hollywood-worthy riches-to-rags megadrama. But, for DBSF it is Vick’s standing in the black—in particular, disadvantaged—community that merits him the greatest appreciation.

Before his conviction Vick was football’s version of Allen Iverson—the superstar who perseveres through adversity while always maintaining his core blackness*. (For DBSF to assign any person a position on the scale of blackness is undeniably dubious seeing as DBSF is white. To give some perspective, he, DBSF, has several “John Mayer Live” albums in his iTunes library and adamantly believes that Subaru makes the premier station wagon-cum-SUV. However, his inability to “get” Judd Apatow movies makes him only ‘marginally very white’.)

Although white people hate to acknowledge it, there’s something romantic (i.e., the third definition on dictionary.com, not the first two) about Vick coming from limited means in a marginalized, poor black community (Newport News, VA) and achieving success at such a prominent level while maintaining the culture of his past.

While commercial interests (e.g., Space Jam) might entice some athletes to shy away from behavior and attitudes deemed offensive by the mainstream (i.e., white) culture, Vick dominated professional football and was rewarded with a nine-figure contract with the Falcons without pandering to the white majority. In fact, Vick (and Iverson) were so impressive because of how explicit and conspicuous they were in exhibiting their blackness through cornrows, tattoos, etc.

Fifty years ago the superstar black athlete was expected to be subservient to white interests and culture. At most he could be a darling of the Northern liberal whites (no slavery, no Jim Crow, but stay in your schools and on your side of town). Muhammad Ali and his allegiance to the Nation of Islam changed that. After centuries of degradation and unspeakable (and sadly, largely unrecorded—shocker those two white Kentucky police officers reported that death as an accidental homicide and not a lynching . . .) violence targeted at blacks, Ali brought the machismo and Malcolm X-militancy that showed that not only would blacks passively accept blatant injustice propagated by whites; but, in fact, they’d punch whites right in the mouth for it. (This gets white peoples’ attention. As a white person, DBSF can attest that getting purposively punched in the mouth is a rare phenomenon and about as appealing as that time Murphy Brown got cancelled.)

Of course, the comparison of Vick and Iverson with Ali is extremely limited and lies primarily in that the two should be applauded for championing athletic success and their black culture. (While Ali possessed arguably the greatest sociocultural force of any American in the 20th century, Vick and Iverson fall in the Ricki Lake stratosphere of cultural behemoths**.)

This soliloquy exists because DBSF wished to applaud Nike for resigning Vick to an endorsement contract. Supposedly, this was the first time a major endorser re-sponsored an athlete after a major crime.(Also, the fact that DBSF is currently reading a biography on Muhammad Ali and his, DBSF's, infinite fascination/ desire to include content on Malcolm X and Black Nationalism/ militancy probably added two- to three-hundred words.)

Vick’s sponsorship deserves praise in particular because of his criminal past. In the 1990s, one-in-three black men between the age of 20-29 were under the supervision of the criminal justice system, and at any time approximately 1 in 20 black men are in prison. However, of state and federal prisoners black men represent approximately 50% of nonviolent offenders. Most of these men pose no threat to the community but are forced to cohabitate (and network) with violent offenders. Upon release the absence of rehabilitative services, like job training and drug treatment, considerably limits individuals’ ability to reintegrate into society. (Thanks, Ronald Reagan--the ‘War on Drugs’ makes Vietnam look like the US was in an international Women’s Softball match).

Anyone with even the most rudimentary understanding of the relationship between race and the US criminal justice system is aware of the deep injustice. It’s commensurate to the suspicious one would have going back and looking at the housing market in 2005 and wondering why one bedroom condos in Las Vegas and Orlando are starting at $400K in neighborhoods with family AGIs under $30K per year. But, the problem in the criminal justice system is worse. Multiplied. And by a lot. Thus, the symbol, albeit limited, of a formerly incarcerated young black man returning from prison and prospering is welcomed. (Next week, DBSF will return to discussing the custom basketball team Nick Young made on NBA Live 2K11 where every player on the team was Nick Young and even the real Nick Young put all the fake virtual Nick Young's passing and defense abilities at 10/100.)

*NB: DBSF should clarify that identifying “blackness” among individuals coming from limited means (i.e., Michael Vick and Allen Iverson) isn’t to suggest that blackness is inherently tied to poverty or disadvantage. No one would argue that the political or business success of the President, Robert Johnson, or Ursula Burns precludes them from being black. Rather, Vick and Iverson encapsulate a form of urban and rural disadvantaged black that whites have castigated and suppressed for centuries. But, ‘disadvantaged blackness’ or ‘rural and urban disadvantaged blackness’ doesn’t roll off the tongue quite so well and is a pain-in-the-backside to type every time.

**NB2: DBSF is not suggesting that Vick and Iverson epitomize being black or African American. Obviously the two have a pot-smoking-, bowling alley brawling-, dogfighting-past that would be an insult to assign to any racial, ethnic, gender or Dungeons and Dragons group. Rather, they were brought up in a culture resulting from structural disadvantage (i.e, few opportunities, fewer jobs) and they persevered and they maintained that culture without feeling the need to change their identity because of their success.

July 4 Weekend in Review

The Texas Rangers made the news yesterday when they signed 16-year-old phenom, Nomar Mazara, to a $5 million contract. What struck DBSF was not that a 16 year old Dominican received such largesse from an MLB team; rather it was that nobody in the Rangers organization questioned why a 32-year-old showed-up for the press conference of a 16-year-old (Nomar's pictured below). This isn't even one of those Miguel Tejada-I'm two-years-older-than-I've-actually-been-the-last-31-years-scenarios. No, Mazara legitimately looks like an early- to mid-thirties man who's experienced substantial success in importing/ exporting and agribusiness.



Last week DaSean Jackson, a hundred thousandaire probably two or three times over, tweeted that after 17 minutes at a club he had already run up a $10,300 bill. By the end of the night he announced that he had dropped $25K. DaSean missed that Twitter exists for two reasons. First, to let the world know what you thought about that Michael Bay movie. And, second to exhibit that you cannot spell "Michael", "Bay", or "Transformers". Twitter does not exist to promote the fact that you spent probably close to a tenth of your post-tax income at a club where Brittany was your waitress, and you ate a 2006 Kia Sedona with 75K miles in service charges and tax.

Also, DBSF always assumed that after dropping $10K-plus you get a special receipt, or at least the generic black-on-white receipt is placed in some leather-bound gold accented receipt book that you get to keep to illustrate to friends and hanger-ons about your supernatural ability to mismanage money. But, DeSean gets the same crinkled little receipt DBSF receives for his Admiral's Feast and two Lobsteritas (extra Sauza, thank you very much) at Red Lobster. (Perhaps DaSean can take solace in knowing that at least he's not Michael Jordan's 20 and 21 year old sons who tweeted last year that they ran up a $60K tab one night in Vegas. Good work boys. Way to spend Dad's money.)



Finally, Kobe Bryant is rumored to be planning an NBA superstar, international barn-storming tour assuming the lockout goes as long a few hundred young men, who make an average of $5 million a year and have no real interest to make financial sacrifices for, let's be honest, predominantly rich white owners that can't pay the players and turn a profit, believe. The rumored barnstormers include the likes of Russell Westbrook, Derek Rose, Paul Gasol, and Kobe among others. DBSF hopes there can be a coinciding "No Pass-Backs Tour" starring Nick Young, JR Smith, Monta Ellis, Stephen Jackson, and Matt Boner. No chance Bonner gets even one invite over the entire length of the tour to the nightly night out.