Atlanta Hawks: Best Backcourt of NBA Live 2001

DBSF was watching last night's Wizards-Hawks game when he noticed something. Now, DBSF normally watches Wizards games to follow John Wall's progress, to catch the monthly timeout where Nick Young actually looks at Flip Saunders in the team huddle and isn't smiling and/ or waving/ pointing to the crowd, to witness Jordan Crawford suffer from his internal struggle caused by his and only his conundrum that nobody else in the NBA can understand that he's LeBronesque, and (most often) to relive Andray Blatche's life of discontent. (With Blatche if he made his last ill-advised 15 footer then he's all smiles and high-fives; misses result in drooped-shoulder sulking, no eye-contact with teammates or coaches, and it being abundantly clear that the reason his man was wide-open for a dunk underneath the basket had nothing to do with Andray being out of position following some mid-range baseline fade away and everything to do with everyone on the team other than him.)

DBSF noticed that with the addition of Tracy McGrady and Jerry Stackhouse, the Hawks have the best back court--okay, maybe the best 2-3 combo--of any combination of players from NBA Live 2001 (hands-down probably the best basketball game on Nintendo 64 and Game Boy color). All they need to add is Garnett, Tim Duncan, and Dirk and the Hawks have the one through five that everyone cheated and traded for to go 82-0 and win the playoffs and finals in straight sets. (DBSF also recommends adding Juwan Howard, as NBA Live 2001 was prone to artificially injuring star players so there needs to be some, non-Lorenzen Wright/ Alan Henderson bench support. That and Juwan's fecundity--well, state ordered financial restitution associated with that fecundity--demands that he stay employed for wage-garnishing purposes.)

Of course the only problem with this plan is that its about to be 2012 and building a roster of stars from yester-decade might prove inadequate. Fortunately, it appears that the Hawks' management have hedged their bets. They've also added Vladimir Radmonovic, who is physically allergic (it induces bronchitis and the spins) to the defensive-side of the court, and retained Jason Collins, who the Hawks' management will eventually find out is still getting cut a check after which Jason will then be absorbing many cubic meters of space in some other non-athletic profession. Unfortunately for DBSF this Vince Youngesque Dream Team was too much and beat the Wizards by 18. In the Wizards' defense the score would have been much closer but Andray Blatche thought the game was 7:30 Mountain Standard Time--not EST--which limited his pre-game calisthenics and film study.     

Evidence of Super Humans

Chalmers to LeBron to Dwade. Some human beings are just better than the rest of us.

Roethlisberger’s Hat & Nick Young's Stamina

After losing 20-3 to the San Francisco 49ers on Monday night, Steeler’s QB Ben Roethlisberger sported this hybrid fedora during pre-game and the post-game news conference. It looks like if Fox Head and Urban Outfitters collaborated on head-wear. It's probably been worn to several Long Island gym-based  chest, shoulders, and tris sessions. (Let;'s be honest. Nobody's lifting legs



In a Washington Post article on the Washington Wizard-Bullets getting swept for their first—albeit two game—pre-season since 1991-92, Nick Young captured his essence as only he could, and explains why there is such disparity in the NBA between 8-10 elite teams and the 4 or 5 Conference USA runner-up caliber teams. “This lockout caught up to me today,” Young said after going just 3 of 10 from the field. “I got tired kind of early.” It’s the second game of the preseason. Every NBA player that didn’t go back to college or barn-stormed in celebrity tournaments, played professional basketball abroad during the lock-out. Somehow—and to no fault of his own, of course--Nick Young was shocked to learn that not only would the season commence, but that there was this assumption about players maintaining some degree of professional decorum and staying in shape.

It was announced that a former Golden State Warriors’ employee is suing Monta Ellis and the team for sexual harassment after Monta allegedly texted the women sexually-suggestive messages and the occasional dick-pic. Like everyone else DBSF strongly opposes workplace harassment of any kind but its good to see sexting has picked back up after that University of New Hampshire national study showed rates dropping to 1%.

And in case you were wondering--the jersey may change but the face mask stays the same. Do you Rip Hamilton. Do you.

The Supply-side Issues with Knicks' FG Attempts

Today's news that Baron Davis signed with the Knicks arouses a concern for DBSF related to one of the most basic tenets of microeconomics—supply and demand. The addition of Davis presents a problem as the demand for shots is now projected to far exceed the supply of available shots in an NBA game. Considering that the average NBA team takes about 80 shots per game, we’ll assume that a Mike D’Antoni (the Knicks’ coach) 7-seconds-and-shoot team takes 85 shots. In a perfectly functioning market the supply of 85 shots meets demand and there are no concerns. But Melo and Stoudamire take 20+ shots a game each—and must to in order to be effective—which almost halves the supply to 40-45. When you take Toney “Tony with an E” Douglas, Landry Fields, and all-time Wizard great Mike Bibby into account supply decreases to about 15.

After Tyson Chandler’s 5-7 tip-ins and a lapse in D’Antoni’s judgment allows Renaldo Balkman for two minutes to impersonate whatever shots Renaldo Balkman took that afternoon on NBA Live 2012 with Renaldo Balkman, who in Renaldo Balkman’s virtual world either pulls up for a 40 foot three or drives and dunks the ball every time down the court (and plays surprisingly lackluster D even in a virtual world where Renaldo put in the code for virtual Renaldo to have unlimited endurance and 100 shooting/ ball handling/ speed/ etc) and Jared Jeffries makes fans question how someone can be so ineffective at shooting a basketball when the practice that one gains from simply trotting through lay-up lines five times a week has to make one’s familiarity with a basketball and the depth perception necessary to get it in the vicinity of a basket suffice for some semblance of offense, leaves Baron with maybe a shot.

Now in normally functioning markets when demand exceed supply costs rise which pushes those with less demand out of the market and a new equilibrium is reached where supply is available only to those with the high demand. Sadly there’s no substitute for price in the market for basketball shots which means that either Baron Davis is going to take 10 of Melo and Amare’s shots with his trademark fast break 35-foot pulls, or Baron and Renaldo Balkman’s relationship will become increasingly strained as Baron fails to appreciate Renaldo’s efforts to play-out that morning’s Xbox game in Madison Square Garden.

Why Jamal Crawford’s signing with the Trailblazers is for DBSF what news of some Ryan Gosling Directorial Debut is for most other people

Jamal Crawford signed a deal for some amount of time at some amount of money--neither of which are of consequence--to play for Portland Trailblazers. This final piece of news, the team, is of paramount consequence as it means that Jamal Crawford, who is essentially the modern-day Martin Luther King, Jr of the movement against shot discrimination, has landed on a team that combines his two loves--taking shots and passive resistance to defense and the other non-shooting aspects of basketball.

Looking at the Blazers roster Crawford only has LaMarcus Aldridge, who's been having off-season health issues, and Gerald Wallace to compete with for shots. Consider the following names: Marcus Camby, Greg Oden, Kurt Thomas, Nicolas Batum, Earl Barron. Those are guys that shoot as the last line of defense. Literally nobody open, out of dribbles, and seconds left on the shot clock. After those few you start to come across names, like Luke Babbitt and Patty Mills, that if you think for a second that day one of practice Jamal doesn't inoculate in those young men the belief in the absolute heresy it would be for them to even think of taking a shot during a game then you’re kidding yourself.

You see when Crawford signs with a team its very Munich. Like he says he’s going to help the team win and play D and pass the ball, but based on a reasonably large sample size of his ten-plus year career everyone involved knows such commitments are a mere formality. He ain’t winning games, he’s shooting the ball at least every other time down the court, and he genuinely doesn’t care if teammates, fans, management, whoever become disenchanted with him because he wants and is content with such a basic facet of life—shooting the ball at any and every opportunity. It is for this philosophy that his signing with a team where he won’t get less than 15 shots a game that this is DBSF’s very own personal version of what would be for most other people a biopic of David Byrne as played by Ryan Gosling.

Bring Back JR Smith

DBSF gets it China. When a foreigner--in this case an American--signs a contract to play in the Chinese Basketball Association (CBA), and the contract explicitly states that he cannot leave his team--even if the NBA season begins, and even if he is averaging almost twenty-two a night--until the end of the CBA season in March that in theory he should honor that contract. It’s one thing for you to flex that Sino-audacity w/r/t environmental non-regulation, seigniorage and other forms of currency manipulation; but, it’s a whole different beast to basically kidnap JR Smith and not let him return to America so he can hoist an average 0.68 shots for every offensive possession he is on the court, and to celebrate that 4-9 night from behind the arc at whatever of Denver's over-priced urban-themed night club he is fancying at the moment (i.e., "JR Smith night-life zeitgeist"). Watching JR's first offensive possession in China--JR dribbles up the court, goes between the legs three times while unguarded then hoists a 35-foot three--metastasizes DBSF's angst. (But, if there's one thing that calms DBSF's soul and lets him know that JR is somewhat okay, it’s that on every fast break not only does JR pull up for a long three but he never even thinks to look to his open teammates with arms raised on the wing.) China, we gave back Yao Ming when he broke. Don’t plan on reciprocating with JR.

Peyton Manning for MVP?

As more and more Colts' and the NFL's ironically-inclined fans make this argument, DBSF feels it worthy to give heed. The Associated Press award the NFL MVP that everyone cares about however, after a half-dozen google searches it appears the AP doesn't list the criteria based upon which it grants the award. Thus, if the primary criterion is: Who is the best individual player in the NFL during the 2011 regular season? Then it would be hard to pick anyone over Aaron Rodgers. (Note: Quarterbacks are at a substantial advantage to winning the award because they play the most statistically measurable position. Not to mention, they are the only position that get awarded with a touchdown when someone else on their team crosses the goal line.) But, if the criterion is: Who is the most valuable player to his team? Then, the Manning movement deserves consideration.

Sans Brady, Brees, or Rodgers (or Patrick Willis if you're of the type that makes statements solely to incite discord) probably no other player has had nearly the effect on his team as Manning has in 2011. But, without Brady or Rodgers the Pats and Pack are still 5-8 win teams. (Although the Saints without Brees are probably of the Rams/ Vikings ilk, they'd still pull out 3 or 4 because of their home field advantage.) But, prior to this season the Colts win total with Manning playing virtually every offensive down of every game went 10, 14, 12, 13, 12, 14, 12, 12, and 10 from 2010 back to 2002. As we all know without Manning that 9 year average of 12.1 wins (s.d. just shy of 1.5) drops now to zero with 4 games left in the regular season.

Of course, there are omitted factors that might explain the Colts futility besides Manning's absence. The primary one being that the Colts have one of the worst defenses in the NFL. They give up the most points per game, have the fewest interceptions, and pass deflections, the second fewest sacks, played the most defensive plays, and the list goes on. Truly, truly magnificent ineptitude. On the other hand, being up 14-0 in the first quarter or not having to be on the field for 80% of the game because the dynamic duo of Curtis Painter and Dan Orlovsky haven't learned that only in basketball are bounce-passes eligible probably makes for a more rested and, thus, more capable defense.

The call for Peyton for MVP is obviously horseradish and reserved only for the most indifferent Queens'* bloggers who only write about sports because the music blogging scene is too saturated and competitive, politics and finance is so the 1%, and as for art you actually have to go and be seen at the stupid museum and stare at the painting and figure out someway to uniquely interpret another's most inner-personal expression all the while remembering the last eight or so centuries of other paintings, etc just to know if that visual representation of inner-struggle was really just a rendition of some previous artist's genuine inner-struggle which was likely based on something much more visceral, like continental destitute, world war, terrible sexual violence, and not parents saying they'd be unwilling to cover your rent if you lived in the bad part of town. So yeah, Peyton for MVP seems reasonable.

* The Lower East side jumped the shark a decade ago, and Williamsburg is nothing but bunch of financial analysts that shop at Anthropology-type outlets.

The Problem with the Marlins' 6-Year, $106 Million Contract for Jose Reyes

Upon learning today that the Miami Marlin's signed former NY Mets' shortstop Jose Reyes to a 6-year, $106 million contract DBSF immediately had three concerns. First, there's the 'years' issue. Ideally, a team would've given Reyes 3-4 years (rumor has it that the Mets offered $80 million over 5 years). Although Reyes is only 28, his primary offensive commodity is his speed. (Interestingly, the difference in steals for Carl Crawford--another speedster--from age 28 to 29 was a decrease of a mere 72 stolen bases). Considering the inverse relationship that exists between time (after the age of 26) and speed--in combination with the fact that a history of lower body injury and general impairment magnifies the difference--Reyes' worth as an offensive commodity could be waning. In a worst case scenario and depending upon the structure of annual payments, in the final two or three years the Marlin's could get stuck with a Tim Thomas/ Anfernee Hardawayesque contract where the organization essentially pays an individual eight-figures in post-tax income to stay at home.

The second issue is the dollar amount. Reyes has missed 191 games, or almost 40%, over the last three seasons. He would have to play ten more games a season to get to the point that he plays in two-thirds of his team's games. Assuming this happens that means he actually received a 4-year $106 million contract. Paying over $25 million per year for a career .290, aging shortstop with a history of attitude and effort issues, who is essentially getting rewarded for an exceptionally strong contract-year April to June 2011 is kinda contemporary Carl Crawford'ish. Finally, and intimately related to reasons one and two--nobody goes to Florida/ Miami Marlin's games. Because the collapse in the housing market proved so deleterious to South Florida's economy and because the Marlin's play in a state where fan's have exhibited minimum interest in an organization save those instances when the team won World Series on MLS-caliber payrolls, one must wonder where new owner Jeffrey Loria will get the revenue to cover Reyes' contract. If the Marlin's land Albert Pujols, who they are supposedly pursuing, in the quarter-billion dollar range (he already turned down a $198 million contract from the Cardinals) that means that at some point in the next few years the Marlin's could have high-eight figures tied up in just five players (i.e., Reyes, Ramirez, Bell, Johnson, and Pujols, maybe).

Professional American Basketball Returns

It pretty much goes without saying that as the commish to a platform that is essentially dedicated to the NBA, DBSF welcomed the news of the end of the NBA lock-out. While early season Pac-10/ Big East basketball helps distract from the anomie and despite the fact that approximately 72% of Americans identify hockey as "a sport", nothing suffices for the drama, side-narratives, and unparalleled athleticism that comprise the NBA. Thus, it is with this warmest of salutations that DBSF welcomes it back and offers some pre-season analysis.

Upon the start of the season it was announced that Heat g/f Mike Miller will miss the first 8 weeks of the season because just as omniscience and omnipotence represent inherent characteristics of the Judeo-Christian God, and 6 carbon molecules plus 12 hydrogen molecules plus 6 oxygen molecules represent the inherent molecular structure of glucose, Mike Miller is intrinsically injured. DBSF assumes the problem reflects more of a deficiency of the soul than any physical or psychosomatic ailments.

Rumor has it that Chris Paul has told the Hornets that he would like to be traded to the NY Knicks, where Carmelo Anthony's offensive lethargy negates Paul's explosiveness and Amare Stoudemire's growing potential for injury would put Paul in a bit of a quagmire as he'd either have to walk the ball up court to prepare Melo for his half-court set offense, or run and gun with Renaldo Balkman (who is like a bad flu and two missed practices away from the NBDL). Paul's request might be a bit of a challenge seeing as the Knick's non-Melo/ -Amare roster consists of a 35 year old point guard, Ronny Turiaf, who had to momentarily retire for a heart ailment a few years back, and Toney Douglas. If there's reason for optimism for Paul it is that Toney Douglas has zero doubt in his own mind that he is worth a straight-up trade for Chris Paul.

Kenyon Martin and JR Smith, among others, are supposedly trapped in China through March because they signed contracts without an opt-out clause. In the grand scheme of things this probably just means 30 more shots per game for Ty Lawson, Al Harington, and Wilson Chandler to share. But, for DBSF this is his own personal assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. DBSF is as much about JR Smith as it is about the NBA or anything else. Nobody encompasses the shoot-first-ask-questions-last/ 'maaaaaan, I gotta do me' ethos more than Smith. For DBSF, the potential effects of his three month absence will be debilitating and panoptic.

That being said there's no need to dwell on the doom and gloom of a JR Smithless NBA. DBSF still has so much to look forward to: Andray Blatche's first fight of the season with a teammate (probably late-December), LeBron demanding the heat sign Nene (now) and then trade him immediately once injured (March), Tyler Hansbrough establishing himself as a legit 15-10 David Lee-esque NBA 4-man, John Wall scoring 20+ a night while giving up 25+, Derrick Williams coming to the gross realization that basketball is a much tougher hobby when everyone else is your height, weight and has at least your athleticism, and--once the Kings are ten games out of eighth place in the West (some time in early February)--the Maloofs demanding that Paul Westphal let Jimmer Fridette hoist it twenty times a game because to whites that's NHL meets Wes Anderson meets Steve Jobs documentary-type entertainment.

DBSF: Music Edition

No, DBSF isn't going to recommend bands/ singer-songwriters. While DBSF should note that he was one of the first to like a musician for the idea of the musician as opposed to the actual musical output, this is more about music as it relates to culture, ability, and generally speaking the most perfect form of human expression--Kim Kardashian's stab at becoming a recording artist. In the following DBSF offers his most pedestrian analysis of Kim K's beneficent act (because she shared her celestial abilities with us).

(Start at 1:45.)


2:07 "The Dream saw this slip of me singing something at the Grammy's . . ." Translates to my Media team told and paid Dream to work with me. (They also likely predicted my two month marriage, so they threw in--unbeknownst to me [Kim, not DBSF]--that he, the Dream, could probably hook up with me.)

2:14 "I'm so shy, I would be so nervous to get into a studio . . ." But, just not shy enough to have cameras document every non-bowel movement of my day.

2:21 Friend: "It's gonna be about having a fun experience . . ." Kim, there are literally no, and I mean zero expectations of you. There is no doubt that the talent in your family rests solely in your mother's amazing ability to market her daughters. The Dream is doing this because the only other way he could get on E! is by knocking up and briefly marrying another R&B pop artist, and it comes to a point that with illegal downloading taking so much away from the profits of the music industry that such relations are no longer financially feasible.

2:50 It is at this point that DBSF has never wanted a faux lunch conversation to end. It's painfully obvious that the "friend" is just there to get some E! time and E! demands that Kim interact with some non-Kardashians so she can come off as marginally human. For marketing purposes this 'come off as human thing' is also critical so Black Friday shoppers can at least superficially relate to Kim, which will then encourage them to buy the Taiwanese perfume she sold her name to at Walmart at 2am Black Friday morning for what amounts to, salary-wise, two day's work of the Black Friday Shoppers' bi-weekly pay check. (DBSF thinks Rite Aid might also sell it; but at a slight mark-up.)

5:45 There's a conversation about pregnancies and colds, which convinces DBSF that either E! doesn't hire editors for this show, or simply there was so little content in this week of taping that they had no other option.

5:52 Kim: "What is your vision? Do you want to do a whole album?" Dream: "Not, nothing crazy." Translation: I wrote 'Umbrella' and 'All the Single Ladies'. Yeah, I'm done writing and producing platinum records. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life and hundreds of thousands of dollars in studio time in Manhattan fulfilling your delusions.

6:25 Dream: "We're into here to have fun . . . Take a couple shots of tequila . . ." The sooner we stop this make-believe recording session the sooner I maybe hook-up with you.

6:46 "I mean I can't say no, it's the Dream. But, I'm so terrified." Buttttttt, was also able to fly across the country for this, and had no issue scheduling studio time with one of the biggest producers in the biz.

In the end, the person who fortunately--but probably illegally--uploaded this clip wasn't able to include Kim's actual singing. Basically, the Dream sets up a song where she has to whisper-sing to a chorus something like "Yeah, yeah, yeah" over a heavy-synth, voice modified effect. It makes Britney Spears' vocal contributions to an album look like Adele's. Watching it by DBSF's self in his own living room made DBSF think that watching Caligula while holding hands with his Mom would have been equally comfortable.

Interpreting Baseball's New CBA

Today the Washington Post addressed some of the highlights of MLB's new collective bargaining agreement. DBSF provides his interpretation of some of the changes:

"Players suspected of an alcohol problem, including those arrested for DWI or other alcohol-related crimes, must undergo mandatory evaluation." (Read: Miguel Cabrera, MLB wants you to undergo mandatory evaluation. Not necessarily a bad thing. If you had more time to detox earlier in the season so you played like you did at the end of the season when you were sober you probably would've won the AL MVP, and not your teammate pitcher.)

"The top 200 prospects will be subject to pre-draft drug testing." (Read: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays used what little leverage they had in the CBA to remind everyone that they're still PO'd about the whole Josh Hamilton thing.)

"By 2013, all players must wear a new Rawlings batting helmet designed to protect against pitches at up to 100 mph." (Read: The Twins are still PO'd about the whole Justin Morneau thing.)

"No new players entering major leagues may use low density maple bats." (Read: DBSF wishes Sammy Sosa had known about this. If they were more readily available--and if daily injections of horse hormones were still standard MLB protocol--DBSF is confident Sammy would still be hitting 40+ home runs a season.)

"Players, managers, and coaches will be prohibited from using smokeless tobacco during televised interviews and team appearances. Once stadium gates open, players, managers and coaches must conceal tobacco products and may not carry tobacco products in their uniforms or on their bodies." (Read: MLB executives want the image of MLB to be way more:

and, much less:


"The Houston Astros will move from the NL Central to the AL West for the 2013 season, leaving each league with 15 teams." (Read: There are butterflies in tornadoes at this moment that will have a greater effect on change in the universe than the movement of the Astros from one league to another. This is 'Scott Stapp is releasing another solo album'-level nothing.)

"Players will be required to participate in the All-Star game, unless injured or excused." (Read: Like DBSF was really worried that Tyler Clippard had something else going on mid-July 2011.)

Jordan Crawford Confidence (n.)

Jor-dan Craw-ford Con-fid-ence [Jor-din krall-ford kon-fi-duhns]
noun
1. Utterly delusional perception of one's ability and self-worth;
2. Flagrantly solipsistic;
3. Subjective self-assessment that leads one undertake such as the following:


Etymology
1. (2011) “I don’t tell nobody, but I feel like I can be better than Michael Jordan,” Crawford said, without the slightest hint of sarcasm. “When I’m done playing, I don’t want people to say, Michael Jordan is the best player. I want that to be me. That’s how I am. That’s how I was built.” (DBSF's note: The double negative in the first sentence indicates that yes, he does tell people--as evidenced by this Washington Post interview--that he thinks he's better than Michael Jordan.)
2. (2011) "On this day, everyone was still buzzing over Washington Wizards guard Jordan Crawford’s mistake of talking too much to [Kevin] Garnett a day earlier. When Boston Celtics teammate Paul Pierce tried to do Crawford a favor and push him away, Crawford urged Pierce to let K.G. go."
Synonyms
Ricky Davis'ing it, narcissism, Kardashian, The Great Divide (album), pictorial form (see below)

More Bad News for the Kansas City Chiefs

After back-to-back losses in which they lost by 28 points to the at the time winless Miami Dolphins--who also allegedly had a quarterback but Matt Moore's existence and participation is so ethereal that his 'play' at times borders on paranormal/ purgatoryish--and lost to the Denver Broncos' two completion aerial assault one would assume things couldn't get worse for the Kansas City Chiefs.

(DBSF Aside: Denver's what-appears-at-face-value 'limited' passing game, led by Tim Tebow, the apotheosis of non-secular quarterbacking, deserves greater attention. Many people assume that 1 Timothy's eight attempt, two completion for 56 yards represented the nadir in modern day passing football. But, 1 Timothy, the flagrant non-secularist that he is, might have actually been delivering a subtle message to the masses [note: 'masses' is 1 Timothy's designation for people/ fans/ humanity, not DBSF's]. Since much has been made of 1 Timothy's religiousity and "Tebow'ing" maybe this is his attempt as a deity--some might even see it as some bizarre deus ex machina--that 1 Timothy is one of us, aka the masses, so as to regain his flock that he lost after the sports media collectively questioned his quarterbackability in reaction to his prior performances. By keeping the ball as close to the ground via running/ not throwing 1 Timothy is illustrating some football allegory to us--again, the masses--that he is like us grounded by our simple humanness/ original sin/ gravity and not the beatific being 1 Timothy really is. That's the explanation or serious amounts of lysergic acid diethylamide seeped into the Broncos' facility's water treatment system, thus leading the coaching staff, psychodelicly, to believe that they and the football are one and as one contain a most debilitating form of Vertigo than can only be alleviated through constant football-to-ground contact.)

But, the Chiefs received more bad news when they found out today that starting QB Matt Cassel might actually return this season after under-going surgery for a hand-injury he suffered against the Broncos. While the return of an injured starting QB would be highly anticipated--if not at the least preferred--in most cases, Matt Cassell suffers from 'Luke McCown syndrome', which prohibits one from discerning his team from the opponent and from completing a greater percentage of passes than that which would be completed if one were to arbitrarily throw a ball up in the air ten yards beyond the line of scrimmage on passing possessions. Of course, if Cassell can't return that means Chief fans can look forward to a season of Tyler Palko, which is like agnosticism's version of Tim Tebow.

The Admiral’s NFL Week 11 Picks

by: the Admiral

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only. But if you do have the urge to use these picks for actual wagering take solace in the fact that my previous picks posted here went 11-3 (with 2 of the 3 losses occurring on the final play of the game).

JAX @ CLE +1: Browns upper management says that they are “cautiously optimistic” that Colt McCoy will develop into a solid franchise quarterback. While that does not sound overwhelmingly positive, you do have to put it in context. Here are some of the recent Browns quarterbacks and the team’s feelings about each becoming a reliable starter.

*Derek Anderson: “guardedly neutral”

*Jake Delhomme: “aggressively nauseous”

*Brady Quinn: “cautiously suicidal”

* Charlie Frye: “extraordinarily in denial”

* Luke McCown: “genuinely curious if we were drunk when we drafted him”

Pick: Browns

TB @ GB -14: The Green Bay Packers offense has more weapons than Gilbert Arenas’ locker. Pick: Packers

BUF @ MIA -1: Last season, Buffalo Bills wide receiver, Stevie Johnson, sent this tweet to God after dropping a game winning touchdown late in the 4^th quarter.

I for one am glad that God is finally making it clear to the world that he hates all of upstate New York. Pick: Bills

And we twitter to the Lord……..Lord hear our tweet.

PHI @ NYG -3.5: I was hoping to make a game-time decision on this game to see if Andy Reid would lift the controversial tackling moratorium he seems to have implemented with his defense back in Week 2. Pick: Giants

NYJ @ DEN +4.5: This game is hard to handicap because both of these teams have a serious issue working against them. For the Jets their biggest problem is that their quarterback is an overrated underachiever who I won’t name, but will tell you that he is okay with sporting white skinny jeans, a tight tank top and a fur coat.

For the Broncos their biggest problem is Eric Decker. Now Decker is actually a talented wide receiver, but he is their leading scorer; and he is white. The dilemma is that everyone knows that being an NFL team is like being a Kardashian sister; only the desperate ones score with white dudes. Pick: Jets

CAR @ DET -7: The Detroit Lions were everyone’s darling during their 5-0 start, but in the 3 losses since then it seems like the Lions couldn’t complete a forward pass with a month of planning, a GPS unit, and a defensive secondary that consists of three sacks of flour and a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett. Pick: Panthers

DAL @ WAS +9: Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan developed an ingenious machine to guarantee that the Skins make the playoffs.

The problem is that this machine only works when Andrew Luck walks through the door at step H; not so much with Rex Grossman and John Beck alternating clipboard and quarterback duties. The Skins don’t have a quarterback controversy; they have a quarterback catastrophe Pick: Cowboys

CIN @ BAL -7: If Raven’s coach John Harbaugh knows one thing, it’s football.

-

The weird part was when a reporter asked the follow-up question, “John, what does the F in NFL stand for?” he just stood there perplexed and pretended that he didn’t hear the question. Pick: Ravens

OAK @ MIN +1: With a 63 yard field goal in one game and three 50+ yard field goals in another it is clear that Sebastian Janakowski can make a field goal from just about anywhere on the field. The only place you will see more balls kicked is on America’s Funniest Home Videos. (Question to self to resolve before publishing this blogpost: Would “Ridiculousness” and/or “Tosh.0” be a more relatable reference to audiences of today for getting kicked in the balls or should I stick with America’s Funniest Home Videos?). Pick: Raiders

SEA @ STL -1: Seattle Seahawks assistant head coach Tom Cable is known to be a hothead. After a recent 30-28 loss to the Falcons he had to be restrained from attacking an official who made a late call that he disagreed with. After being restrained by players he instead had to settle for a “profanity-laced exchange,” which is, in my opinion, one of the best kinds of “laced” exchanges, or at least better than the boring “compliment-laced exchange” or the rarely used “poetry-laced exchange”. Pick: Rams

ARZ @ SF -9.5: I’ve watched the 49ers play a few times this year and I’ve been forced to come to the conclusion that they aren’t half bad; and even more surprising, Alex Smith can actually win football games. This is a conclusion my brain resists the way it would resist imagining ESPN sideline hog Shelley Smith naked. Pick: 49ers

TEN @ ATL -6: I’m not saying that the Falcons’ offense felt impotent for losing to New Orleans after failing to gain half a yard on 4^th down in overtime, but after the game the Saints’ defense kept gently stroking its arm and telling it that this happens to all the offenses. Pick: Titans

SD @ CHI -3.5: I was originally going to with:

Jay Cutler threw no interceptions last week. That means he has twice the quota to fill this week. These statistics don’t just look after themselves you know.

Then I thought it may be a bit cleverer to go with:

I wonder if Jay Cutler will prioritize his interceptions to members of the Chargers secondary based on height or alphabetical order.

Then I realized I can’t put down the Bears because they are playing the Chargers. I’ve sworn to never pick a Philip Rivers quarterbacked Charger team after his last second loss to the Chiefs cost me a ton of dough -- and neither me nor my bankroll will ever forgive him. So, as a last minute replacement I went with this:

The talented but underachieving Chargers have lost 4 straight games. This week is a game that the Chargers MUST win if they want to salvage their season. Or said in a different way, this is exactly the kind of game that, traditionally, Norv Turner loves to find a way to LOSE. Preferably with a last second coaching error and a long sullen look on his face that masks what he is really thinking. Pick: Chicago

“Should I eat fish tonight, I had fish last night, oh wait, what!!!? We just lost?? What happened? Oh well. Fuck it, they haven’t fired me yet, they never will.”

KC @ NE -14.5: Washed up wide receiver, Chad Ochocinco, is turning out to be a bust for the Patriots while averaging just 1 catch a game this season. NFL defensive backs have admitted that he is not a threat and the smart move would be to just ignore him, but instead of embarrassing him they have decided they will cover him just to be polite. Pick: Patriots

DBSF Hurt Feelings Report

A Wyoming high school football coach was forced to resign after forcing the following survey on his players. Upon first receiving the survey DBSF failed to recognize that it was for some Wyoming high school kids and he assumed he was part of the intended audience and, thus, responded. Below is a copy of part of DBSF's survey.

The Two Best Parts of Michael Jordan's Playground

Yes, DBSF needs to find a better way to cope with the NBA lockout. And, yes apparently he is one of the few whites affected by the lockout. Buutttttt, bear in mind, there are also much worse things to watch on Youtube while delaying/ avoiding life's various industries.

Scene 1: (Click here to start where the scene begins at 4:39.)
Younger, pseudo Jordan does get pushed around in the tryout but he is also the first person to attempt to combine the flat-top with the bowl-cut and that deserves credit for sheer ingenuity in DBSF's book. Lou George, second guy to make the team, sports the best shoulder length feather earring worn in a high school basketball tryout to date. Paul Anthony's flat-top pony-tail combo was inspirational but lacked the creativity of pseudo Jordan's flat-top, bowl-cut. Mike Segman making the team definitely compounded the insult of pseudo Jordan not making the team as not only was Segman white, but he also had a uni-brow.


Scene 2: (Click here to start where the scene begins at 2:29.)
First thing off the bat--the director for this scene is racist. Two black guys playing basketball so of course the director throws them in a caged court with graffiti on the walls and a broken basket. Last time DBSF checked by the time filming commenced for "Michael Jordan's Playground" in 1990, Jordan was a multi-millionaire through NBA contracts and endorsements. He also played for the University of North Carolina and on the Chicago Bulls. So, you mean to tell DBSF that between those resources and all of his NCAA and NBA connections Jordan can't at least secure a high school gym to shoot around with younger, pseudo Jordan? Also, apparently, Jordan and not Guy Fieri started the mid-forearm wrist band trend, which all of a sudden makes the adult mid-forearm wrist band less Monster Energy Drink-New Found Glory middle American mass-consumerish and more urban chic.

The Sad State of Current Day NFL Party Integrity

The Miami Herald is reporting that Dolphins' CB Vontae Davis was held out of Sunday's game after showing up to Saturday's practice late and smelling like alcohol after he and some teammates went out Friday night. (In their defense, at 0-7 and with their team's participation in the playoffs being highly unlikely, the difference of being 1-7 or 0-8 is insignificant in comparison to a Friday night out in South Beach as a 23 year old.)

But, this marks a sad state if it reflects current professional athletes' ability to 'do the party crime and handle the party time'. Rumor has it that back in the Georgetown days, when head coach John Thompson would get angry with star Allen Iverson for partying late into the night Thompson would schedule early practices and make players continually run suicides rather than have the traditional basketball-focused activities. Not only would Iverson beat all of his teammates in the sets of suicides but one time he supposedly proceeded straight to a treadmill where he sprinted until assistant coaches pulled him off. Thus, proving to Coach Thompson that unlike Vonta Davis, he, Iverson, could 'do the time and the crime'.

Of course, this is nothing to say of the legendary Jordan and Barkley escapades of late night parties followed by early morning workouts (probably more Jordan than Barkley) and thirty point performances in the afternoon. What makes Davis's inability to handle the hangover crime even more pathetic was the fact that as a defensive back he was going up against Matt Cassel and the sixth worst passing offense in the NFL. So while Jordan was going on 35 minutes of sleep after spending a half day at the China Club and would have to battle with John Starks for forty-plus minutes, you mean to tell DBSF that Vontae Davis can't set his cell phone alarm, wake-up, crush four Aleve and two glasses of water to chase Steve Breston for the Chiefs' 25-30 passing plays?

Highlights from 1978 NBA Finals

In the absence of an NBA season, DBSF, like many NBA enthusiasts, has been forced to watch replays of highlights and legendary match-ups from the past on NBA TV. At first it was kind of like watching re-runs of Friends--something you do with a moderate to high level of self-regret/ -loathing while suffering the aftershocks of a Jim Beam hangover that precludes one from moving to the end of the couch to grab the remote and change the channel to whatever New York-based art/ cooking/ fashion talent reality-TV competition Bravo is airing. But, then after getting a little acclimated to NBA TV's programming, and recognizing that the current labor dispute might have legs, being able to watch an entire late 80's conference final in the course of two hours becomes addictive. As a Wizards fan then it's natural that DBSF share game one of the 1978 NBA Finals.

Before the game starts we see that two car salesmen named Dick Motta and Lenny Wilkens worked the morning shift so they had the evening off to coach a professional basketball game. They look like the kind of grown, adult men that know how to get pot in multiple cities. Next, Miller Lite, a main sponsor, claims to be "Everything you wanted in a beer. And less." Really, Miller Lite is more 'everything you want in a beer that you didn't pay for and, thus, don't have the grounds to gripe about why somebody brought Miller Lite and not something else'.

While Brent Mussberger is giving his pre-game analysis there is a gentleman standing over Mussberger's left shoulder, who looks like he is going to assassinate someone in the audience or just sharted on a date and is going through that internal struggle with: Do I stay and just blame the smell on someone farting behind us or do I run to a stall, go to triage, and see if the night can be saved? Rick Barry and Steve Jones appear to have come up from taking bumps just before the camera pans to them. They can't wait for this basketball thing to be done so they can go race their Ferrari's down residential streets while their pet boa constrictors hang around their necks. Other thoughts:

-- Starting line-up is 20% white. We reached our quota, game on.
-- Wes Unseld strikes DBSF as the no-nonsense type of dude. Also, very hipy.
-- In the absence of a three-point line the mid-range jumper exists.
-- Jack Sikma actually has negative verticality on his jump shot. Not only could you not slide a piece of paper between the ground and his shoes when Sikma shoots, but he also drops a little so the release point is from lower than his normal standing position.
-- Whoever colored the green and yellow Seattle Supersonic's home court blue--the main color of their opponent--obviously has some peculiar thoughts on home court advantage. That, or he/ she is big into reverse psychology.
-- The graphics department at CBS sports has made great progress since the 1978 Finals. The on screen scoreboard looks like a second cousin of simply having the camera guy write the score on some transparency paper and putting it in front of the camera every few minutes. (They do however, get a little flashy with all those stars under "NBA on CBS" before the commercial break.)
-- There's a belief in the utility of the backboard that 33 years later is anathema.
-- Love that Tom Henderson plays with the necklace on. Do you, Tom.

The Admiral's Week 9 NFL Picks

by: the Admiral

These picks are for entertainment purposes only. When I say entertainment, I mean betting. PS. The Admiral is rusty after a long blogosphere sabbatical, so don’t judge me too harshly. A wise man once said, “writing comedy is difficult.”

CIN @ TEN (-3): Last week the Bengals received Oakland’s 2012 & 2013 first round picks for QB Carson Palmer. This week Cincinnati has returned the picks after admitting that they really wouldn’t know what to do with them. Pick: CIN

SF @ WAS (+3.5): In order to avoid a repeat of his recent handshake fiasco, SF head coach Jim Harbaugh is planning on tweeting Mike Shanahan his post game handshake. Pick: SF

SEA @ DAL (-11.5): Seahawks management is still awaiting a response to their inquiries to commissioner Roger Goodell regarding whether trading for Reggie Bush would allow them to vacate to their 2 current victories to take the lead in the Suck for Luck campaign. PICK: SEA

MIA @ KC (-4): In a move that NFL Insiders are calling hasty and impetuous, the Dolphins have decided to tempt fate by going ahead and booking hotel rooms in Dallas for their Week 12 matchup vs. the Cowboys. PICK: MIA

ATL @ IND (+7): Rather than comment on this game I will share an actual Resolved Question from Yahoo! Answers. Pick: ATL

Resolved Question

Would you rather have HIV or Curtis Painter as your team's QB?

A lot of progress has been made in the area of anti-retroviral medications, so HIV can be contained a lot better than in the past. The life expectancy for someone who has the HIV virus is MUCH greater than what it once was.
There is no cure for having Curtis Painter as your team's QB.

CLE @ HOU (-10.5): Despite that fact that the NFL is still at least a few years from relocating a team to Los Angeles, Browns running back Peyton Hillis announced this week that he is relocating himself to Los Angeles, a decision he says allows him to “not play for the Browns.” PICK: HOU

NYJ @ BUF (-1): Rex Ryan vs. buffalo wings is a no brainer. Mark Sanchez vs anyone, not so much. Pick: NYJ

DEN @ OAK (-9): Tim Tebow’s throwing motion lasts longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage. Pick: OAK

NYG @ NE (-9): NE is listing QB Tom Brady as questionable with a severely cracked chin. Pick: NYG

STL @ ARZ: (-3.5): When the St. Louis Rams announced this week that they would be benching all of their 1^st string players for the rest of the year they assured the NFL League office that they were not implementing a Suck for Luck strategy, but were just resting their starters for a crucial Week 1 game in 2012. Pick: STL

GB @ SD (+5.5): In order to cover the spread last week (and make the Admiral a shitload of money) all Phillip Rivers had to do was set up a FG by accepting a snap from center then falling to the ground. Apparently Phil is dyslexic and decided to fall to the ground first. I will never forgive him and will never ever ever ever again pick SD. Pick: GB

BAL @ PIT (-3): Worms. Gross. Pick: PIT

CHI @ PHI (-9): After not bringing a championship to Philly in 13 seasons on the job, many have wondered why Andy Reid has not been fired. After some research I’ve discovered that Andy Reid was actually fired in 2008 but due to an error in accounting has continued to collect a paycheck. Pick: CHI

TB @ NO (-9): No parody, just real talk. When your opponent just got whooped by the winless Rams, and are still favored over you by 9 points, it can’t do much for your confidence. Sorry TB. Pick: NO

Kobe, Will Smith of the NBA

There's a lot of sports news this last weekend varying from Tim Tebow's just failed fourth quarter comeback against the Lions, the break-up of 'Krim' (celebophile DBSF's couple nickname for Kim K. and Kris H., which never caught on among the TMZ/ Perez Hilton's, but DBSF is convinced that if E! could have only stipulated some 4-hour follow-up post-wedding-celebration celebration so their dating form of marriage could have reached triple figures w/r/t days then DBSF 's sobriquet would have stuck and he would have been eternalized in the etymological annals of the OED for anointing "Krim", but--unfortunately for DBSF--Kim called into the bull pen after 72 days so DBSF will still only be best known for demanding that the NFL take "religiousity" into account in calculating the QB's rating), Jamaal Tinsely announcing that he is entering the NBDL draft in hopes of re-entering the NBA (shoot-first, 33 year old PGs with a career FG % below 40% are so "Krim" [it's DBSF's word, he'll use it how/ when he likes] to NBA exec's), but what deserves the greatest attention was Shaq--in one of those mandatory marketing ploys to stir interest in a forthcoming book--announced that his beef (they're word, DBSF uses it strictly as a noun) with Kobe was based on the solipsism and unfathomable obsession with the self that one would expect, but in a moment of truly genuine self-love--the type that leads Kim K. to don multiple wedding dresses for a 4-hour cable TV wedding thing and stop and catch herself in a moment because you can tell that she has just realized that she can see herself in not just one reflection but a second and maybe even a third reflection so Kim K. now has multiple angles/ views on the beatific vision that Kim K. truly in her heart of hearts believes Kim K. is--Kobe declared to Shaq that he would be a great Laker and in Kobe's words "the Will Smith of the NBA." DBSF learned more about Kobe from that one statement than he did in the 15 seasons of watching him play basketball.

How was Vince Young Supposed to Know?

News came out this week that the Dallas strip club in which Vince Young exhibited more urgency and exertion fighting bouncers than he ever had on an NFL field is suing the Philadelphia Eagles' back-up/ "Dream Teamer". But, it wasn't until this week that DBSF learned of the basis for Young's intransigence. You see it was all a pretty standard mix-up. Apparently, Young took offense that the club refused to charge $8,000 to his credit card and in recompense provide him with 8,000 one dollar bills.

DBSF assumes it went as follows. After spending most of the morning studying game tapes to figure out how best he could throw for double-digit yards in a game, Young realized that time had escaped him and the bank was going to close before he could withdraw 8,000 of the same currency. (It was that or he finished playing XBox at noon went to the bank where the teller explained that it isn't standard operating procedures for a bank to carry such a quantity of a single currency and, therefore, $8,000 in ones qualifies as a "special request" and such requests demand at least 3 or so days advance notice.)

At the club, Vince tried the ATM but upon realizing that withdrawals could not exceed $300 and that twenties represented the only denomination, he accepted that this approach wouldn't suffice. So, what's left? Of course, one gives the manager his Visa and requests eight thousand of a single currency because if the banks isn't going to have eight thousands ones the only logical other place to carry that denomination en masse would--and logically speaking, this is reasonable--is a strip club, which represents the only commercial industry (save McDonald's and vending machines) where the single dollar bill still possesses any worth. So, was Vince Young really supposed to know that this wasn't a demand that could be met?

Weekend in Review

Allen Iverson will be hosting a basketball tournament in Vegas over a weekend in November. Considering Iverson's supposed gambling and drinking issues the rationale for this location is on par with having a Chris Andersen charity tournament in Bogota or organizing a JaMarcus Russell work-out next to a Robotussin plant.

Tim Tebow led the Broncos to an overtime win and his first as the team's starter this season. At face-value Tebow's 13-27 for 2 TDs and 0 interceptions is somewhat impressive. But, upon further analysis there is grounds for concern considering that on the season Tebow has only completed 4 of 11 passes in the first 3 quarters. There's also the minor issue that it took the Tebow-led offense just over 57 minutes to first score on the Dolphins, which falls in the sports world-realm of having Matt Moore complete two-thirds of his passes with a TD and no pics on you or having a shot blocked by Adam Morrison. (In WR parlance--not being able to break away from Reed Doughty on a fly route.)

Carson Palmer and Kyle Boller combined for a handful of completions, a lot of incompletions and six interceptions. DBSF found it terribly insensitive that Raiders' coach Hue Jackson played Boller for a full half, and compounded the insensitivity by making him throw the ball. Everyone knows that Kyle is on that team for two purposes: 1) to warm-up the back-up center by taking practice snaps when it looks like the starting center might be suffering from cramps or some injury, and 2) to remind team executives that if arm strength was the only determinant of a successful NFL QB then the entire Houston Astros' bullpen would be playing professional football.

After falling behind 7-0 in the first quarter the Colts weren't able to catch back-up with the Saints in the second half and just lost 62-7. Curtis Painter had a very scraggly chicken in a PETA ad thing going, which made the whole viewing experience more disheartening than NFL's Greatest Bloopers reel slapstick funny.

NFL Week 7 'Suck for Luck' Bride's Maids' Rankings

While other sports media outlets are concerned with power rankings that compare the Packers and the Pats, DBSF is interested in the other side of the continuum. More specifically, a power ranking of ineptitude of teams not quite inept enough to out-lose the field and secure Andrew Luck. (Apparently Karlos Dansby is PO'd at fans, who are cheering the Dolphins to "suck for Luck".) Nothing like going 2-14 to win the rights to Landry Jones who after three years and 40 interceptions presents a sufficient sample size to teams to realize that sans superior receivers and offensive line Jones is a poor man's Jake Plummer. Considering that DBSF sees the Dolphins as a one-win team (which may come this week against the Broncos) the non-power ranking begins with the second worst team, the . . .

#31 St Louis Rams--they give up the third most points and score the fewest. Mathematically speaking that equals 0-6. Extrapolate that 0-6 to a full 16 game season and you get 2-14. Being able to play Arizona and Seattle twice and the Browns once, prevents the Rams from becoming the first team in the history of the NFL to run a two-quarterback offense next year with Bradford and Luck lining up behind center. Or, maybe Bradford lines up behind the center then Luck behind Bradford? DBSF isn't sure how it would all work out but he likes the idea of the double-snap or the play-action snap.

#30 Indianapolis Colts--they get the Panthers once, and the Jaguars twice. DBSF doubts there will be three ties so he assumes the Colts will pull out wins in two of those. Besides offense and defense the only real problem for the Colts is special teams where they average the fewest return yards in the NFL. Considering that the defense gives up all those points and the offense has, shall we say "limitations", the return game is critical to offset any Curtis Painter/ Kerry Collins pic-sixes.

#29 Denver Broncos--what Tim Tebow gives up in the passing game he makes up for in jersey sales and Muscular Christianity. To help Tebow with the passing game, Bronco management traded away leading wide receiver Brandon Lloyd and in his place called up Eron Riley, who played WR at Duke, which DBSF just Googled and discovered had a football program.

#28 Seattle Seahawks--this looks like a good fit for Landry Jones to 11-26 for 136 yards 0 TDs and 2 pics each week. They don't have a quarterback (although a few gentlemen dress-up each week and line up behind the center during games) and head coach Pete Carroll, much like Landry, is at his best when surrounded with superior athletes.

#27 Minnesota Vikings--here's the good thing about the Vikings-they lose close games and have a future hall of famer at QB. But, here's the problem--they've already lost five, and they just benched the future hall of famer for Christian Ponder, an above average ACC QB (damned with faint praise). This latter move is a signal to all NFL veterans that down payments can be made on January's vacation plans and that its now officially okay to go out/ play golf three days a week during the season.

Kyle Boller--A Back-up's Back-up

After breaking his collarbone in Sunday's win over the Browns, it was announced that Oakland Raider's QB Jason Campbell might need season-ending surgery to repair his broken collarbone. Campbell's injury should significantly hamper the Raider's opportunity to win the AFC West. (The Raider's are 4-2 after 6 games; usually after 6 games they're 0-6 and should be 0-7 but the NFL has a rule prohibiting multiple losses assigned to a team for one game regardless of the degree of spectacular futility achieved.)

The injury is tough for Campbell who suffered through years of turmoil with the Redskins only to have recently found stability with the Raiders. But, it's Raider's coach Hue Jackson's comments that piqued DBSF's interests. In response to handing the reigns over to Kyle Boller, Jackson sounds less than enthused. Consider these comments:

“I feel good about Kyle, that’s why he’s here. I know Kyle, I know what Kyle is and what he’s capable of doing. But we’re chasing a championship here. That’s the commitment I’ve made to the organization then I got to make sure that we’re putting championship players out there. Not to say that Kyle’s not. I got to make sure that there’s not somebody out there who can come best fit us that may give us an opportunity.” (First sentence is standard 'small p' political support for the back-up. Theeeennnnnn, he's explicit in his view on Boller's ability to be a Superbowl-caliber QB. Nothing wrong with honesty--Rex Ryan has made such transparency vogue among NFL coaches.)

"“If you’re a quarterback out there and you want to come play for the Raiders give us a call." (Okay, a little too blatant perhaps, but Jackson wants to get the word out there that there is an open competition for a QB on a 4-2 team. Competition is the defining characteristic of our free-market capitalist system--nothing wrong with a little Monday morning Milton Friedman'ing from the old ball coach, DBSF guesses.)

“You just kind of rattle all the trees and see everything that’s out there, what best fits us.” (So, basically Jackson is entertaining the idea of hiring any currently unemployed QB with limited, if any, knowledge of the Raider's system rather than go with Boller, who's been practicing with the team for the last two years?) Now DBSF recognizes that Boller is basically a better looking Derek Anderson (i.e., he's Joey Harrington minus all those starts which allowed teams to recognize just how 'Joey Harrington' Joey Harrington really is), but there has to be something said for head coaches at least feigning support for their back-up QB.

Best Part of NBA Lock-out

NBA TV runs a Saturday night 7pm (and 1am encore) of Teen Wolf.

(Note: Today's truncated version reflects DBSF's travel demands in Distrito Federal.)

Whites to lose their only NFL RB?

For people who still have a Mark Bavaro poster in their room, regularly complain that they can't watch the NBA because of "all the traveling", or don't know why but subconsciously seem to be cheering for Charlie Whitehurst to take Tavaris Jackson's starting QB job despite having zero interest in the Seahawks, Seattle sports, and the Pacific Northwest in general there is troubling news coming out of Cleveland.

Since 1963 the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) has published its 'Red List', which establishes the criteria for identifying the risk of extinction of specifies and subspecies. For the last twenty-five years the white NFL running back has tottered between 'extinct in the wild' and 'extinct', the two gravest classifications for any species concerned with existence. Well, DBSF has learned that the Cleveland Browns and WRB (white running back, yes we typically don't say 'black defensive back' or 'white right tackles' but WRBs are so rare and should be so protected that DBSF has often called for them to be given their own special iridescent jersey a la a QBs during practice to preserve them, WRBs, from excessive hitting during games) Peyton Hillis have reached an impasse in their contract negotiations. Losing Hillis in Cleveland could permanently relegate whites to the role of blocking fullback in the backfield.

Now, DBSF knows what you're thinking--hey, wait, we still have Toby Gehart. Here's the thing. Toby Gerhart doesn't count. He's a Stanford graduate from Los Angeles--he's a statistical anomaly. You see without Hillis--the square-headed, contact-seeking, former Arkansas fullback--WRBs will lose their Wes Welker, the white wide receiver (WWR) whom represents the standard/ comparison for every other white wide receiver. Whether a WWR has Calvin Johnson's physical attributes and ability or Devin Hester's speed and Troy Williamson's hands, if he makes good play he is 'playing just like Wes Welker' if he makes a poor play 'he's playing very un-Welker-like'. If Hillis goes there's no longer a way for football fans to understand the WRB.

NBA Players Union Meeting -- Casual Attire

When NBA leaders from the players' union convened for a photo-op on Tuesday DBSF took interest in attire. Before addressing each individual player's dress code two facts should be noted. First the meeting is at the Waldorf-Astoria--the luxurious Manhattan hotel where Paris Hilton grew-up and first encountered the adversity that made her the modern-day Horatio Algeresque beacon of American perseverance. Second, the negotiations involve billions of dollar in revenue sharing and affect hundred of professional athletes, thousands of team staffers, and millions of fans. Ipso facto--its a big deal and everyone involved probably shouldn't Eddy Curry the whole affair.

Thus, presentation--in the form of personal attire--is of consequence. Starting from the back right of the picture we see that Matt Bonner and Ben Gordon go coat and tie--very appropriate. Following the back row next comes Paul Pierce, who went with a golf polo t. Paul should've gone button down, or at least not worn the white undershirt but let's assume there was some confusion with luggage and it was all he had. Staying on the back row we end with DWade and LeBron both of whom sport the Euro-fashionista look. Nothing wrong with that, at least LeBron didn't wear one of those heavy wool cardigans with a large "LBJ" embroidered on the chest so every time DBSF sees LeBron he can't understand why LeBron is promoting Lyndon B. Johnson. (Is LeBron a fan of invading Vietnam, urban riots, and/ or manned space exploration?)

Moving to the foreground 'Melo wears a button-down but didn't have time/ desire to tuck-in his shirt. (If that's the case then Carmelo stand in the back behind LeBron--it is a photo op.) Finally--and most inexcusably--Baron Davis goes Biebermania with the fitted flannel shirt, fashionably black, thick-framed glasses, and a wool hat--indoors. Basically, DBSF is all acting like somebody's pinching DBSF's titties because Davis decides to go black-guy-version-of-where's-Waldo when he should have at least stepped it up to business casual.

RoboFavre

DBSF was never a Brett Favre fan. Prior to his alleged indiscretions with the Jets and last season's collapse with the Vikings, Favre was like this Charlton Heston-brand, domestic half-ton pick-up slow-mo carrying some industrial cement apparatus through a mud-filled job site type of American exceptionalist.

But to DBSF Favre was the NFL all-time leader in fumbles and interceptions. And, despite being anointed arguably one of the greatest QBs of all-time he won only one Superbowl. (In fact, in 24 playoff games, Farve was 13-11. Comparatively, Montana was 16-7; Aikman was 11-5; Young was 12-8; Elway was 14-8; Brady is 14-5; and Ben Roethlisberger is 10-3).

Two off-seasons ago some of Favre's luster started to fade when after spending a few months wavering between retirement and returning to the Vikings, Brett went all Heidi Montag and had Vikings' executives and head coach Brad Childress personally pick him up--in the middle of training camp--from a Minneapolis airport to prepare the football world for his return to the sidelines (yet again). Well, in his first season of retirement Favre has taken up announcing college football games and if you wonder why Favre, a superstar QB, didn't jump straight to CBS, Fox, ESPN, or HBO a la a Boomer, Marino or Steve Young . . . well. Watch. Brett. Talk. Good. A few things we learn from the robot that has entered Brett Favre and started manipulating his mandible:

1. Brett possesses a red-cheeked uneasiness, and slight tilt achieved only by downing 8 or 9 shot of Jim Beam during prep (aka the drive to the stadium). During the actual non-drinking prep the production assistant, who's likely got a semester left on her Master's in Digital Communication at Southern Miss and is thus, two months from moving to Boston to live with her boyfriend and never ever have to deal again with such a cretin who [the cretin, aka Favre] spends the entire 5 minutes he happens to show up for prep [again, the non-drinking actual with the staff prep] staring at her boobs while she just tries to get him to memorize the opening line "Well I look forward to it coming back to Hattiesburg" in the event he blanks and the Vicodin-laced Jim Beam starts talking (which, she, the production assistant, knows for a Southern boy such as Brett has an unfortunate tendency to result in opining on what for the sake of brevity and sociocultural sensitivity DBSF will just term 'anachronistic views on American social structures').

2. Around the one minute mark we get the sense that somebody is holding a card with words that Brett is supposed to read out loud. Either there is a period after every word or Brett is having trouble conveying the most generic compliments given to QBs on two 'who cares' football teams.

3. Thank you production assistant for writing that "interceptions' record" joke at the 1:30 mark. It made the entire segment slightly more comfortable than 'enema in an open kiosk at a shopping mall' but still not comfortable enough to surpass 'seeing a grandparent undress'.

4. At about the 1:45 mark the production team recognizes that this is going to be a 'somebody dropped the F-bomb on the air and we didn't catch it with the 7-second delay' long day and the production assistant holds up the sign indicating that Brett is no longer to speak and is instead simply to stare at the camera.

et al

Apparently Lane Kiffin cheated again. In the future--so as to conserve space in print and the ever confined electronic media--journalists should only cover stories when Kiffin commits a legal action. DBSF doesn't need to know that Kiffin violated a rule again--he already makes Rich Rodriguez look like Joe Paterno.

Boston Red Sox lost a baseball game, which was the universe's way of starting to make amends for non-Boston fans being inundated with a grossly disproportionate amount of Boston sports media over the past decade.

Delonte West goes for a gig at Regency Furniture. He should be a solid addition to the team assuming Von Wafer doesn't start working at Regency too.

Guy who throws a banana at Simmonds is "deeply mortified" and "had no idea his actions could be seen as racist". Fruit throwing isn't standard NHL fan-fare; but, targeting the one black guy? The guy who threw the banana should focus just on being mortified and quit contemplating about the possible racial implications of the action.

Eugenio Velez goes 0 for 37 in 2011 out of sympathy for Adam Dunn, who finished the season going 0-23 and as the White Sox all-time single season leader in strikeouts. Dunn achieved further ignominy for destroying Rob Deer's record for the lowest MLB batting average in a season (.179) with an anemic .159. (Of course, Dunn's .159 is grossly skewed by a .128 September and a .136 June. He hit almost .300 in July and August. Check that Dunn hit .145 in July and .155 in August.)

Ben Wallace picks up a DUI and a gun charge (unloaded) in a Detroit suburb. You can trade a mid-1990s Mazda MPV with 150K miles straight-up for a 2,000 sq ft single family three bedroom/ two bath home in Detroit. Ergo, cash is a commodity in The Motor City--$40 definitely covers a chauffeur for the night.

Al Unser Jr collects a drag racing DWI in New Mexico. User error on the arresting officer. If a 49 year old two-time Indy 500 winner decides he's gonna drag race after a case of Keystones and he takes the precaution to conduct such an activity in New Mexico, the state that exists solely because the US needed a testing site for its nuclear weapons during WWII, then you do your darndest to accommodate--not aggravate--Mr. Unser . . . Jr.

Lastly, after going an abysmal 1-4 on last week's NFL odds' predictions DBSF feels it only necessary to call one game to recompense. Saints (-7.5) at the Jaguars: Jag's rookie QB Blaine Gabbert is infinitely fascinated with the theory of relativism, or the belief that there exists no absolute truth, only subjective perceptions. This philosophy proves beneficial for Blaine's mien as concepts like interception and completion blend into 'catch' and forward and backward transform into 'movement'. Unfortunately, such theoretical underpinnings bode poorly for the Jaguars already slim chance to score more than one field goal (much less stand near/ in any pay dirt). Saints by 14. (Remember such confidence means the opposite will happen.)

Vince Young Impersonator. Arrested. Temple Hills.

There's the saying 'no news is good news'. For DBSF it goes 'any Vince Young news is good news'. Whether its his partying shirtless with buds at the club or his coming to the realization that football is less fun when you're getting booed, DBSF tends to gravitate to anything Vince Young-related.

Case and point--last week police arrested a man for impersonating Vince in DBSF's very own Prince Georges County. Based on the police report and the picture of the impersonator, it's reasonable to believe that someone that had seen the real life Vince Young one times or fewer might confuse the two.

While both are approximately 6'5" and 230lbs, Vince Young, like most other NFL back-up QBs and/ or marginally legitimate humans, doesn't hand collect $2,500 checks for charities in Suburban Maryland. Further, although Vince Young's philanthropic work likely uses the internet DBSF is suspicious that Facebook represents the platform by which he organizes his collecting responsibilities. If nothing else DBSF can take solace in knowing that he lives approximately 6 miles north of Temple Hills, and in DBSF's neighborhood its Vince Young impersonator conducts his fraud over the phone not via internet/ face-to-face.

Byfuglien Joins the Cedric Benson BWI Club

Winnipeg Jets (NHL [Hockey {the ice sport}]) D Dustin Byfuglien joined the exclusive organization of professional athletes that have been cited for boating while intoxicated (OPABWI) when according to a report Minnesota police stopped his boat and found that "his eyes were bloodshot and watery, [he was] unsteady on his feet and he smelled of alcohol".



As of this evening the organization consists of just Byfuglien and Cedric Benson, but considering that Benson's jail sentence for beating up an ex-BFF was recently reduced to 5 days, Cedric now has the Bengals week 7 bye week to spend not in a Texas jail but rather potentially getting another BWI. Thus, the organization could increase another 50% in size by the end of the year with the addition of Benson to Byfuglien and Benson. (The existential arithmetic of Cedric Benson existing twice in his own organization, albeit one of BWI'ers, is still being worked out.)



While Benson's citation came at night (which, grant it, driving a boat in the pitch black is virtually impossible without GPS navigation so DBSF assumes ol' Ced fancied 'what harm'll a couple beers do?'), Byfuglien sought to outdo the founding member of OPABWI by supplementing his navigation with muscle relaxants. Right now OPABWI is looking quite reputable but the addition of a Bryant Reeves, or JaMarcus Russell could push it to that Mensa- or 40/40 club-level of prestige.

Week 3 DBSF Betting Line

There's a reason this post represents DBSF's first betting line and why DBSF never bets on non-Project Runway and/ or non-Bad Girls Club-based events. (Season 6 DBSF played a $100 trifecta on 1) the under that three girls would leave the show, 2) that contrary to their seemingly amicable behavior in the ambulance Kori wouldn't accept Nikki's apology for "accidentally" cutting her [Kori], and 3)that Jade would involuntarily leave the show. Without ruining the plot for individuals who have BGC: Season 6 on their Netflix/ Quikster queue Jade's decision to leave the show at her own behest essentially cost DBSF a cool $220.) The reason this is DBSF's first betting line should become evident Monday, September 26, when those with an elementary familiarity with probability (i.e., heads/ tails = 50/50) will recognize that DBSF's predicted outcomes in comparison to the actual outcomes of the games capture the essence of the state of arbitrariness.

Kansas City at San Diego (-14.5)
San Diego should win this game by four TDs, but DBSF is suspicious that after their two previous drubbings and the loss of Jamaal Charles the Chiefs are going to have one of those integrity-check games and push the game into the fourth quarter. San Diego by 10.

New England (-8) at Buffalo
The Bills are 2-0 after a fourth quarter comeback win over the Raiders on Sunday. Week 1 the Bills blew-out the Chiefs by 34. However, week 2 the Lions blew-out the Chiefs by 45, which means in a truly cosmically-balanced universe both the Bills and the Chiefs lost their week one match-up by two or three TDs each. New England by at least 10 but probably 27.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) at Indianapolis
Through two games Colts' QB Kerry Collins has still yet to exhibit that he can appropriately discern between teammates and non-teammates. Colts head coach Jim Caldwell might want to focus on ensuring that Collins fully grasps some of the more mundane aspects of the team, like uniform colors. Assuming Roethlisberger is healthy it should be a 17 point win for the Steelers.

Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns (-2.5)
Warning: wager on this game at your own risk. Its going to be boring. Thirty points total might be scored. It will inevitably come down to a fourth quarter interception or fumble on the losing team's side of the field that sets-up a three-and-out followed by an anti-climactic 38 yard FG to win the game with 2:48 left. Browns win by 2.5. Seriously, don't bet this game. Not because you might lose money; rather the malaise and impending insouciance resulting from simply checking online--let along watching on TV, which deserves its own special 'partake at your own risk' warning--to see if the 10-6 score has changed will likely have profound adverse psychological effects on your most basic perceptions of broad never really consciously considered concepts, like : 1) progress, 2) hope, 3) accumulation, 4) temporal order, and 5) fecundity.

Arizona (-3) at Seattle
The Seahawks are coming off a 24-0 drubbing (exceptionally unnecssary football-bloggery-type word; is 24-0 ever a nail-biter?) against the Steelers, which followed up a 16 point loss to San Fransisco where some how the 49ers figured out how to score 33 points; and, all of the 33 in one game. DBSF likes Kevin Kolb in 'Zona and thinks Pete Carroll has a very et tu Brute? quality to his character (which, grant it, in New England makes for a darn good ball coach). Arizona by 11.

If history is any indicator of the future it is in your best financial interest to take a five game parlay and bet the exact opposite of the aforementioned picks.

The Inversive Effect of the NBA Lockout

The Washington Post is reporting that during the lock out Washington Wizards' forward/ center/ XBOX 360er is using the time to expand his leadership role on the team by organizing team workouts at his Maryland home (only two people showed up, neither of the variety to take shots from Andray). This is surprising considering that this is the same Andray who's encountered--what shall we call??--some distractions over the last 6 years. For example there was:

the getting robbed/ shot (definitely not his fault, terrible that it happened, very glad he's okay);

the reckless driving (surely, his fault);

the solicitating (a female cop dressed probably in high trollopista; liability likely depends the frequency of rejection that night at the night club, Grey Goose consumption, and the degree of high trollipness. Like, if we're talking XXL sweatpants and a way over-sized--and over-holed--Max Headroom t-shirt then that's all on you 'Dray);

and, inevitably fighting a fellow 7+ foot teammate (juries out on this one, both strike DBSF as the kind of guy that loses all personal self-control when playing Madden and dominating a friend like 28-3 in the second quarter and the friend gets up and with no warning turns off the XBOX effectively ending the 25 point dominance and establishing some serious concerns about the legitimacy of whether or not the 25 point lead with a whole half left of football justifies a win in the on-going Madden challenge).

And, it's not just the players. The NBA supposedly fined Charlotte Bobcats' owner Michael Jordan $100K (or, what Jordan used to lose betting on one hole of golf to Greg Norman in the 1990's) for commenting on a player, Andrew Bogut (an Australian, so really like 0.75 of a player), which caused issues--from the standpoint of the NBA--over the league's current collective bargaining issues. Interestingly, there were no fines last year for Jordan fraternizing with elite college basketball players and telling them to wear his shoes.

NFL Preseason Week 5: Denver Broncos v. Oakland Raiders

Getting the Monday night 10:15pm EST time slot is the NFL telling you that you're not a top priority. Starting Kyle Orton and Jason Campbell on Monday Night Football in response is you're way of saying that you agree. In most sports, like boxing, performing last suggests that you're the marquee event. DBSF thinks ESPN and the NFL used the same logic for tonight's Broncos and Raiders match-up that leads like Versus or the Outdoor Life Network to run the Compass Bowl on January 7 (Play two terrible teams late in the bowl schedule, rather than early, because later on when fans have fewer options Ball State-Nevada becomes surprisingly interesting.)

Basically, its the idea that you, the viewer, will be jonesing so bad for some football that you'll take inferior product. Just as when the authorities intercept a large supply of opiates and dealers, aka providers, must resort to push inferior, i.e., "cut", goods, which are still purchased because to someone seriously jonesing even 5% heroine/ 95% detergent is better than the old 0%/ 100% ratio, so too are NFL fans jonesing for more product after going on a Thursday to Sunday night NFL bender. Thus, the NFL needn't match up quality opponents, like the Saints or the Eagles late on Monday night. Rather they give fans deeply cut, Middle school pot-dealer quality product in the form of the Raiders vs. the Broncos.

Ironically (or, depressingly) DBSF is a life-long Broncos fan and, thus, not watching the game out of some NFL-opiate dependency but, rather because of sadomasochistic fandom (very modern day Lions/ Clippers/ minority-present Washington sports teams). A few reactions to the last game of week 1 NFL.v2011 . . .

--Denver is facing a 2nd and 23. That's a punting down if DBSF is making the call.

--There appears to be a penalty every 1.4 plays. In most cases that destroys the rhythm of the game. Oddly, it gives the Broncos-Raiders a nice cadence. That's probably the case because it distracts from or out-right eliminates the play of Bronco-Raider football.

--ESPN's football-based programming's (i.e., NCAA Goal Line, NFL Primetime, etc) graphic designs emphasize futuristic large-scale steal operations and some form of molten led or metal moving at an impressive--albeit, in opposition to some of the core tenants of gravity--rate. All in all its some very impressive no nonsense, ultra-masculinity; GWB meets Delta Force meets Camaro-inspired auto shows.

--The fact that Seastian Janikowski is still in the league after 11 or so years just goes to show you that the Polish will kick footballs to support drinking 7 days a week until you stop paying them .

--DBSF is highly suspicious of Raiders' fans who dress up in the Road Warrior gear with face paint and such. These aren't really football fans; its all more of a weekly Renaissance Fair for them.