A Tribute to Celebrity Neck-Beards

With the third installment of the Twilight teenage-played-by-many-non-teenage vampire* series coming to theatres this week, DBSF thought it appropriate to pay homage to its star, Robert Pattinson, and other hirsutely inclined celebrities with a tribute to the top three celebrity neck-beards**.

First off, we have RoPat. He only gets a 5 (out of 10) because there is no beard-chest hair connection. John Stamos make RoPat look like an infant.



At number two, Justin Timberlake. The former Model Behavior star, who also appeared in an episode of DBSF-favorite Touched by an Angel, gets a 7. Although like RoPat there is no neck to chest hair connection, Timberlake's neck-beard is so voluminous (would that be vertically or horizontally inclined?) that it looks like he has a cocker-spaniel's leg wrapped around his neck.



Finally, the alpha and the omega of celebrity neck beards--Mr. John Stamos. Stamos seems conscious of his neck undergrowth, and as such seeks to limit its expansion. But, one can imagine that minus a 7am Nair session followed up by careful Maybelline foundationing, the tentacles of Stamos's neck-beard could have collarbone potential.




* An interesting fact about teenage vampires as opposed to the non-teenaged variety, at least according to the Twilight series, is that the teenage kind seem to function best sans-shirt. On the other hand, your conventional^ tall, dark Eastern European vampire of Castlevania-lore always dressed in what looked like thick, dark wool suits while bearing his long cape. Pretty much the antithesis to abs and not-quite-hipster-tight jeans.

^Footnote w/ in a footnote: "Conventional" is of course in reference to those interpreting vampires born before Michael Jordan won an NBA championship. Those born after "His Airness" took his thrown assume vampires have an Abercrombie & Fitch meets Scandanavia or some other low-sun region quality to them.

** DBSF recognizes that his inability to formulate hairs from the follicles of his facial region make this post appear less ironic and biting, and more spiteful.

Full Body Panda Sneeze

You can actually see the Mother panda mouth the words "What the geeze-oh-flippin?"

Strasburg for All Star?

Stephen Strasburg's phenomenal rookie season, which consists of only five starts in June, has led baseball fans to question if a player with such a short resume deserves consideration for this July's All Star game. If it were up to fan voting--as it is for all other positions--Strasburg's popularity would likely propel him in. (Who that's not a Mets fan/ has the last name Pelfrey, knows who Mike Pelfrey is?) But, because managers decide which pitchers play Strasburg must rely on more than his skyrocketing notoriety to make the roster.

Thus, DBSF thought it relevant to compare Strasburg to NL pitchers likely to be selected. In the 2009 MLB All Star game there were 15 NL pitchers, 6 of which were closers. For the sake of this analysis, DBSF will assume that the NL will field 15 pitchers again. First, DBSF must determine if there are 6 NL closers worthy of All Star distinction.

Billy Wagner, Jonathan Broxton, Heath Bell, Francisco Rodriguez, and Brian Wilson all appear to be definites. They have around 1-2 ERAs, 15-plus saves, and almost 50 Ks in 30ish innings of work each. Second tier closers include Leo Nunez, Carlos Marmol, and Ryan Franklin, all of whom have slightly higher ERAs, slightly fewer saves, and with the exception of Marmol less Ks. (Marmol has an astounding 64Ks in 34 innings of work; a K to inning ratio that surpasses even the almighty Strasburg.) Based on this list DBSF believes that there will be at least 6 closers coming out of the NL.

Then the question is: Is Strasbug a top 9 NL pitcher? (As a reminder in 31.2 innings of work, Strasburg has 48Ks, 2.27 ERA, 1.01WHIP, and a 2-2 record.) Currently, for this season there are 8 top tier NL pitchers that without one of them having a meteoric collapse in the next two weeks Strasburg--based on his limited resume--should not have a shot at passing. They include Ubaldo Jimenez, Josh Johnson, Adam Wainwright, Roy Halladay, Chris Carpenter, Matt Latos, Yovani Gallardo, and Tim Lincecum. With the exception of Lincecum all have a sub 3 ERA (Jimenez and Johnson have a 1.83 ERA), 8+ wins, and 100+ Ks (save Latos).

Next tier NL pitchers include guys, like Mike Pelfrey, Carlos Silva, Matt Cain, and Tim Hudson. These pitchers all have either 6-10 wins and a sub-3 ERA, except for Silva (3.01).

Strasburg will likely get two more starts before the break. While he matches these pitchers in ERA, he cannot catch them in wins (even if he had more opportunities to pitch the Nationals' batters have adopted a golf approach to scoring where they erroneously assume that the team with fewer points secures the win). If Strasburg can have two 10+ strikeout, low run performances he will likely surpass Hudson in Ks. Unfortunately, at the current rate that the other second tier pitchers are going he will need to have videogame-on-rookie-difficulty outings to get to the 70 or 80 Ks necessary to surpass them.

Considering per game performance, Strasburg is undeniably an All Star but, assuming managers decide based on the entire first half season's of work, DBSF sees little justification for sending Strasburg to Anaheim.

Insensitive Kitten

Like the turtle can look up or something and know what the heck is going on? Interestingly enough years later the Kitten got caught up in drugs and had other problems and the turtle was there for him--again--this as his AA/ NA sponsor. Turtles just give and give.

First Napolean and Josephine, Then Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, and Now This

Human history is littered, literally discarded upon from the rear window of a Nissan Sentra, with spectacular, even heavenly evidence of matrimony on earth. Today America's news source, TMZ, is reporting that Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox have wed in Hawaii. (Author's aside: A matrimony, which runs contrary to Ms. or now Mrs. Fox's ironic statement last week that the ever perspicacious DBSF caught on to immediately.)

This love has the potential to rival the likes of Franz Ferdinand and Countess Sophie Chotek. Or, at the very least the love of Britney Spears and that guy she married before marrying Kevin Federline. Although she will not be in Transformers 3, a cinematic loss equivalent to LeBron James leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers, Mrs. Fox has now achieved the dream of every white, suburban 8 year old girl in 1991.

What Ever Should Monsieur LeBron Do?

Rumors have emerged that Bron Bron will join D-Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami once the Heat can move Michael Beasley (Author's aside: After a dominant freshman year at Kansas State, we're getting close to be able to say that Beasley didn't live up to the hype. Matter of fact, Beasley didn't live up to James Gist's hype from the 2008 Draft).

If Bron Bron believes he cannot win in Cleveland--and, thus, must play elsewhere--he has only himself to blame (and Cleveland's management and ownership for acquiescing to a 20 year old quasi-GM). Do the names Szerbiak, Marshall, Gooden, or O'Neal (at a cool $25M a year) mean anything to you? Well they did to LeBron to the point that he requested them (among other free agent/ trade duds).

If winning is the top priority and not marketing, name recognition, or the goal of establishing himself as the greatest player of a team/ his generation, then Miami or Chicago are his best bet. (In Chicago, he likely will have the opportunity to win for years with a much younger corps of talented players--Rose, Deng, Noah, Gibson, etc.)

However, Miami is D-Wade's team (he's already won a Championship with out LeBron . . .yes, yes DBSF knows it was with a dominant Shaq), and some guy named Jordan has a statue outside the United Center. If LeBron goes to either city he will always be an ancillary star, albeit perhaps the greatest one.

The Knicks, the Clippers, and the Nets don't have the pieces (yet) to win, so they don't appear to be contenders in the James' sweepstake. In Cleveland not only will re-signing ensure that LeBron becomes forever synonymous with the Cavalier organization, but he will likely forever establish himself (certainly with a championship) as an icon of the entire state of Ohio.

Of course should he escape the decaying rust-belt of Cleveland and surrounding areas for the glamor and cosmopolitanism of Miami, LeBron should expect a return reception in Ohio that would make Robert Irsay's return to Baltimore appear pleasant.

The Singularity of a Futbol Striker

Watching the World Cup this weekend, soccer-neophyte DBSF came to a realization--that probably countless others have come to--that strikers (i.e., the player(s) who play [almost] only offense) represent a unique group in sports.

Similar to offensive positions from other sports the striker is expected to use exceptional speed and to make phenomenal athletic moves to score. But, in no other sport is an athlete judged on his ability to finish (score) in such few opportunities.

In basketball, shooters are told to "shoot their way out" of slumps. It's nothing for Kobe Bryant to go 6-24 in a Finals game because he can make up for it on defense or by passing the ball, or it might be his next shot that gets him going again. In football once a team is on the goal line (or close) they might have as many as four (or more) opportunities to score.

Similar to basketball, hitters in baseball are notorious for going through prolonged slumps only to show up at the park one day and recognize that the baseball, which was looking like a tic-tac the last five games now looks like a beach ball.

Hockey might be the most similar to futbol in this regard but the relatively short length of the rink and the additional speed that skates grants players ensures that teams can usually get around 30 shots on goal per game and depending on the caliber of the defense perhaps half are good shots.

In a highly contested futbol match, like the US v. Ghana, strikers might have 4 or 5 shots on goal an entire game. Of those maybe 1 or 2 are 'good' shots meaning the shots are relatively close to the goal and unobstructed. Obviously, better strikers will be able to create more shots but at the World Cup level of competition it doesn't seem like these strikers will get more than 3 or 4 good shots in a game.

So, the primary measure of a striker is his ability to execute with almost certainty in his one or two opportunities to score. Imagine the pressure and public regard of an athlete if Ray Allen was judged on his first three shots of game, or Albert Pujols on his first two trips to the plate?

2010 NBA Second Round Draft Recap and Analysis

Reminiscent of Terence Morris's decline in the 2001 draft caused by his decision to return to school for another year, this year's draft witnessed one of the greater drop offs of a player who decided to return to school for his senior season. Scottie Reynolds was projected to be a potential lottery pick last year but he passed up the guaranteed money to try to help Villanova, a pre-season favorite, win an NCAA title. Villanova didn't end up winning a championship, and Reynolds was rewarded for his selflessness by not even being drafted in the second round of this year's draft.

With that, DBSF will commence his second round review.

1. Tibor Pleiss to the Thunder
A big German that DBSF knows virtually nothing about. Although he looks unathletic even by European standards, he has great size. This pick can only help the Thunder who need to develop a corps of rebounding, shot-blocking, non-shooting big men.

3. Hassan Whiteside to the Kings
A projected mid-first rounder left school early to not get guaranteed money. He's a great value pick for the Kings, and there is no pressure for him to play right away with the Kings acquiring Samuel Dalambert.

6. Terrico White to the Pistons
A shooting guard built like a point guard, where has DBSF heard that before? White could add a spark to a Pistons offense that has a tendency to have the scoring explosiveness of a Wolrd Cup match.

10. Lance Stephenson to the Pacers
Stephenson has a strong body and loves to hoist off-balanced, long threes while kicking out his leg. Basically, offense is the strength of Stevenson's game, but he averaged like 12 points per game. Guess how many shoot-first, undersized, second-round two guards experience an increase in offensive productivity from college to the pros? Stephenson is the most likely player in the draft to get kicked off his team (and the out of the League) for fighting one of his teammates at practice. If he fights Mike Dunleavy or Roy Hibbert or both at the same time DBSF hopes someone catches the altercation on a camera phone and youtubes it.

11. and 12. Da'Sean Butler and Devin Ebanks to two teams, who's D-League team they will probably play on for a season or two prior to a decade in Italy/ Greece
Back to back second rounders out of West Virginia. These picks reminded DBSF of his favorite WVU player not--but supposed to be--drafted in the second round, Kevin Pittsnogle (who is actually a "Jr.").

17. Tiny Gallon to the Bucks
A value pick in the mid-second round as most projections had Gallon going late first round. He only played one year of college ball but he's got an impressive body. Apparently he makes a 19 year old Kwame Brown look like Jeff Hornacek in his Utah days. Maturity is an issue.

20. Solomon Alabi to the Mavericks
Huge value pick here. Alabi's 7'1" and improved each of his three years at Florida State. He has the largest wingspan of any player in the draft (7'5"), which he used to block almost 2.5 shots per game his junior year. His offense is on caliber with most top-tier, 8th grade, CYO big men. Fortunately, with Dirk (but for how long?), Caron Butler and Co in Dallas Alabi won't be expected to contribute on offense.

22. Luke Harongody to the Celtics
There's no way that anyone not named Adam Morrison can dominate like Harongody did in college (and in a top conference) and not have something to add to an NBA roster. He could be a Tyler Hansbrough-type in terms of an efficient, front court scorer. Harongody should make the Celtics roster to provide more bench scoring.

30. Dwayne Collins to the Suns
Mr. Irrelevant deserves some attention. A 6'6" big man who finds ways to score. Those lay-ups he was able to get around Jordan Williams while Collins played at Miami will find Dwight Howard's palm every time in the NBA. Collins should learn German or Castelian Spanish as he will likely be spending the better part of the next ten years of his life in Western Europe.

One other notable non-mention--Sylven Landeberg. Landesberg made a critical mistake--DBSF believes--when he dropped/ failed out of school when it became apparent that Virginia had limited post-season opportunities. While it makes sense that he wanted to focus on his game in preparation for the draft, the move showed a deficiency of character and leadership on Landesberg's part as he left his team when they were down. DBSf has to believe that NBA talent scouts notice this type of stuff.

2010 NBA First Round Draft Recap and Analysis

1. John Wall to Wizards
The Washington sports media is already coming up with nick names for its new star. DBSF is indifferent to all of them, however the fact that his name is also a common noun makes the job particularly easy (i.e., 'The Great Wall of Chinatown') so its becoming bothersome. DBSF believes this pick should forever be compared to Chris Paul. The Wizards could have secured Paul straight-up for the pick. When healthy Paul is the best PG in the league. Wall will sell more jerseys and is younger but from a management perspective the pick is only a success if he proves to be better than Paul from here out.

2. Evan Turner to 76ers
DBSF likes Turner but he's concerned about the hype surrounding the second overall pick. In particular, it seems to be accepted that he's comparable to Brandon Roy. On an upside DBSF could see that but he likely doesn't have Roy's scoring ability to drop 50+. Turner will get good clock his rookie year and DBSF expects him to produce a respectable 14 and 6.

3. Derrick Favors to the Nets
20 and 10 one night, 3 and 3 the next. DBSF expects Favors penchant for apathy to plague his career with inconsistency.

4. Wesley Johnson to the Timberwolves
Not too many people talk about Johnson especially considering how high he was drafted. DBSF really likes this pick for the Timberwolves, and could see him becoming a John Salmons quality player with high FG%, rebounding, and consistent scoring.

5. DeMarcus Cousins to the Kings
Cousins is almost 300 lbs at 19 years old. Anyone who has been 19 knows that there is a positive relationship between age and weight. If Cousins can stay around 275 throughout his career and limit his propensity for psychosis then this could be the steal of the draft. The man-child is a freak, who could dominate.

6. Ekpe Udoh to the Warriors
Worst pick thus far. At his peak--where he will get 25-plus minutes a game to justify his selection--Udoh will probably be a six and six guy. He adds no value offensively, fortunately the Warriors don't need another shooter. Udoh could stick around in the League if he hustles, develops as a rebounder, and plays good D.

7. Greg Monroe to the Pistons
Good pick and Monroe should fit well in the Pistons system. He's not a great athlete and probably wouldn't fit well in a run and gun so it makes sense that the Warriors passed on him. Monroe's size and ability to pass justify him as a lottery pick. If he can develop a jump shot and move quicker with the ball he could become an all-star caliber player. Most likely a career 12 and 8 guy.

8. Al-Farouq Aminu to the LA Clippers
Clippers management suffers from amnesia apparently. Just last year they drafted Blake Griffin number 1, who plays the same position as Aminu. For those who those who think Aminu is going to be a 3 in the NBA, they have not seen him play. He can't shoot and plays poor D. Do you want that combo lining up across from LeBron? DBSF wouldn't like it lining up across from Dominic McGuire. If it weren't for Udoh, this would be the worst pick of the first round.

9. Gordon Hayward to the Jazz
DBSF will say it--if he wasn't white, the Jazz wouldn't taken him this high. He'll help sell tickets in a city that usually hovers around 97% white. He's Kyle Korver minus the shot. And, for those who don't follow the NBA closely, the only reason Kyle Korver is in the League (and on the Jazz) is because he can shoot.

10. Paul George to the Pacers
The Pacers locked down their 8th 6'7" combo guard-forward. Now if they can only find someone to bring the ball up the court and rebound. Why not give George the option every four or five game to hoist 25 shots when the Pacers are losing the the Bobcats by 25 in the second half? This pick classifies as 'no value added'.

11. Cole Aldrich to the Hornets then Thunder
DBSF has always been high on Aldrich as a long, defensive big man. He's going to fit very well with the Thunder where he will be required to grab rebound, disrupt shots, and never--under any circumstance--shoot the ball. Oklahoma City pillaged the Hornets in this deal (although the Hornet's owner is just trying to cut costs in hopes of selling the team so it was more of a gimme than a pillaging).

Let's speed it along here a little, shall we?

13. Ed Davis to Toronto
Long. Athletic. Can't shoot. Lacks drive. Where have we heard this before? (Answer: About 75% of 19 year old 6'10"-plus lottery pick PFs in the last 15 years.) The Raptors management are playing a cruel, cruel joke on their fans if this is the replacement for Chris Bosh.

17. Kevin Seraphin to the Bulls then (presumably) the Wizards
The Wizards need a bruiser-rebounder with size and although Seraphin is only 6'9" he has a 7+ foot wing span (but doesn't also John Wall?). At 19 he's a work in progress, which basically means he's big and athletic but he sucks at basketball. As a Wizard's fan DBSF hopes Seraphin pans out but pretty much every European big man in the NBA faints at the idea of playing in the paint so DBSF is reserved in his expectations.

18. Eric Bledsoe to the Thunder
Streeeeeeeeetttttccccchhhhhhhh.

20. James Anderson to the Spurs
This is exactly why the Spurs are always in the playoffs--they know how to draft. As a basketball player (which is what this draft is about, right?), Anderson is probably better than 15 players drafted ahead of him. He's an excellent scorer and he can shoot (Rivals thinks on a plus side Anderson could be a Michael Redd), which will fit well with the Spurs (think a younger Michael Finley).

28. Grievis Vasquez to the Grizzlies
As a Terps fan DBSF is obviously biased here, but while Vasquez lacks the athleticism that makes pathetic 6'10" basketball players lottery picks, he possesses two important intangibles: he's a 6'7" true PG, and he wins games. While DBSF is sure that Al-Farouq Aminu can run around cones from baseline to baseline much faster than Vasquez if anyone witnessed the end of the ACC season or the ACC tournament (Aminu pulled a psychic Houdini in that he was literally only physically present at games) where Vasquez played with fantastic intensity and leadership, they would be shocked at the order in which the two players were drafted. It's going to take Vasquez three years to catch up with the NBA game but DBSF believes he will be a ten-year starter for some team (although he will never be all-star caliber).

That's it for the first round . . .

Nominee for 'Most Despicable Job'

DBSF was perusing some low-grade, on-line tabloid chasing an appealing link promising information about a seal that would eat cigarettes and other debris at an Indonesian zoo, when at the bottom he noticed the contemptibly* titled link, "Photo of Miley Cyrus Getting out of Limo without Underwear Believed to be False."

Apparently there is an individual who spends time in his/ her life photo-shopping away the undergarments in images of Miley Cyrus and other female starlets. DBSF has to believe that under no circumstance are such ignominious endeavors the goal of any parent, God, or public-private educational institution. Thus, this function--which presumably is not a sole function but likely one of many disreputable duties that make up an inherently abominable profession--has earned itself DBSF's distinction of 'most despicable job'.

*DBSF recognizes that those with a penchant for nymphets might find this link desirable rather than contemptible. DBSF, however, associates Cyrus with the MMA/ mass-consumer/ Dane Cook culture that he finds inversely related to the desire to exist. (And, thus, the 'contemptible' designation.)

Disgrazia!

With Italy's embarrassing 3-2 loss to Slovakia (sp? . . . matter of fact, DBSF research team--a) is it a country, and b) if yes to a), then where? Sounds Baltic . . .) Gli Azzuri goes from the penthouse to the cellar.

Coming off winning the 2006 World Cup, little can be more disgraceful for the Italians than not making it to the second round in 2010. The "little" that can be more disgraceful includes finishing fourth in a group with Paraguay (understandable), Slovakia (YTD if it is, in fact, a country, and not some Medieval city-state), and New Zealand (a country who's claims to fame are 1) that the Lord of the Rings Trilogy were filmed there and 2) that close to 60% of Americans can identify it as either an island or a peninsula somewhere around Australia, and most likely beneath it). The only reason New Zealand made the World Cup is because Oceania consists of it, Australia, and a several hundred 200 person atolls that lack the electricity necessary to build a futbol.

The Italians gave up 5 goals in their 3 matches in a group where the next highest FIFA ranked team was Paraguay at 31 (Slovakia-34, New Zealand-78). If any group can take solace in the Italians loss, it is the French who just earned a pass (from the non-French media, at least) on explaining how they lost to South Africa and finished fourth in their group as well.

Real Talk: Bobsledding

After watching a tennis match go ten hours, and have a fifth set that at 59-59 has surpassed the scoring total of 90% of Big East basketball games, DBSF got to thinking about the periphery sports world. While Western Europeans and wealthier Americans will balk at tennis being classified as 'periphery', most everyone will acknowledge that bobsledding is essentially an inherently periphery sport. It's to sports to what the DeLorean is to automotive transportation.

What makes bosledding periphery? Well, how does one practice it? Essentially you get four bros who don't weight too much, can run fast to push the sleighed go-cart on some ice track. DBSF has to believe the try-outs for a bobsledding team can't be too discriminatory.

"Are you under 180 lbs? Check. Can you run semi-fast and somewhat on pace with three other guys? Check. Can you lean to the left or right depending upon the direction of a turn? Congratulations, you'll be representing your country in the Olympics."

Perhaps DBSF's biggest concern with bobsledding is the course. As he understands it, no two courses are alike. Bobsledders just have to fly down the track and be ready to lean. It's not like Daytona or Pimlico where bobsledders can come in with some course strategy.

Further, you can't just go out in your back yard, or to the neighborhood rec center and get on the track. Bobsledders literally need someone to build an ice-roller coaster for them to practice. DBSF imagines that the demand for ice roller coasters is probably minimal to non-existent, which would suggest that the supply (i.e., producers/ builders of ice-roller coasters) is equally small. If that's the case then practice pretty much occurs only at competitions, which as far as DBSF understands is the Olympics.

So, DBSF guesses that the moral here is, if one doesn't weigh too much, is relatively fast and able to follow footsteps, possesses the ability to lean bi-directionally, and is indifferent to crouching down in a curved piece of metal with three other men for a minute or two then the Olympic dream is within reach (and, thus, at least w/r/t bobsledding DBSF has discovered the most egalitarian and non-discriminatory sport on earth).

NFL Wide Receiver's Website's Gift Stores: A DBSF Wish List

NFL wide receivers possess a level of delusion shared only by people that work in four-person organizations but demand titles like "Executive Vice President of Technology and Infrastructure", and 250 lb Middle America moms who think they're toe-tapping two year old is the next American Idol.

In their revelry of self-delusion, NFL wide outs create--or more likely have some IT-familiar family member create--websites that consist of 1) an image of said player with shirt off, shades on, hat backward, chain hanging, and subtlety flexing*, 2) another image of #1 but w/ a sleeveless sweater vest on and now leaning on a i) Bentley, ii) high-end Mercedes Benz, or iii) Ferrari-type auto**, and 3) a gift store where shoppers can purchase merchandise with the player's number, image, or some asinine comment that the player blurted out and his manager/ older brother found divinely hilarious/ inspirational.

It is this last piece of the NFL wide out's website that DBSF absolutely cherishes with respect to self-delusion. Fourth-round draft picks who haven't caught a touchdown in their three years in the League honestly believe that there are non-immediate family members out there who would be willing to pay $25 to have that player's "86" on a hat when in reality no one--save the immediate family members--would understand if that 86 represented an athlete's number or a special year or some other commemorative event.

In honor of delusional NFL wide receivers DBSF is going to list the top five player's website's gift stores products (with links) that he would buy if he ever received one of those Penny Hardaway contracts that require one not to work while making $20 million a year.

1. Dsean Jackson "Yuuuuuup!" T-shirt
Please note that the model for this shirt looks eerily reminiscent of one DBSF.

2. Terrell Owens' "T.O.'s Finding Fitness" book
Because ghostwriters need jobs too.

3. Chad Ocho Cinco "If you don't vote for me on DWTS . . . " T-shirt
Other favorites are "You want me to co-sign for a car . . .", "You spent the child support . . .", and "You ain't following @OGOCHOCINO on Twitter . . . "

4. Devin Thomas Signed Skins Hat
There's a lot DBSF doesn't like about this. For example, he's charging $125 for a signed hat that sans his signature probably goes for $6. That means Devin Thomas thinks his John Hancock is worth a cool $119. DBSF believes Lehman Brothers' stock at $119 a share is a better deal. Also, he appears to have given himself the nickname "Showtime" Hmmm. 3 TDs, 40 catches in 2 seasons . . . how about 'Showed Up?'

5. Santonio Holmes Mobile (Cell Phone) Wallpaper
Notice half of the images include Holmes in the thinker position. DBSF is not buying it; likely some misguided ploy to appear intellectual and, thus, eventually to get laid. Well played Santonio.


*As part of the delusion, they all think they're Maurice Chestnut/ 'I should be the object of affection in a Beyonce video' hot.

**Ferrari-type autos are typically reserved for NBA players who's much larger and guaranteed contracts enable them to literally piss away money.

Steve Smith Breaks Arm, Might Want to Take Season to Recuperate

The AP reported today that the Carolina Panthers’ mercurial wide receiver, Steve Smith, broke his forearm playing flag football. Smith’s agent said that he’ll recover in time for the season.

DBSF has some advice for Smith—-take the whole season to recover. Grant it, Smith is 31 so his prime years might be dwindling, but with Jake Delhomme leaving for Cleveland**, the Panthers are left with Matt Moore for a starting QB and rookie Jimmy Clausen as a back-up.

This is, of course, the same undrafted Matt Moore, who’s played in 16 games over the last 3 seasons over which he's accumulated 11 touchdowns and 7 interceptions. Moore finished strong last season (8 TDs, no pics in his final four games) but he’s basically unproven.

Clausen, a much more heralded QB who fell in the second round in this year’s draft, is coming off of a 28 TD, 4 interception junior year at Notre Dame. But, under Clausen the Irish also dropped their final four games which included losses to quasi-D I teams, like Navy and Connecticut.

Grant it the NFC South, isn’t the NFC East (or even the SEC East) but for a receiver, who doesn’t take well to quarterbacks not being able to get him the ball, Smith might want to consider parlaying the injury until at least mid-season to see if Moore's going to be bounce-passing him twenty yard outs.

(Of course, if Moore struggles and the Panthers turn the reigns over to Clausen mid-season, DBSF would like to see Smith play for totally selfish reasons. It would be entertaining to see Smith yell at the rookie, who by the looks of the one-time SoCal spiked hair-do doesn't strike DBSF as a guy who takes kindly to getting publicly harangued. Best case scenario, it would be like if Terrell Owens in his Eagles' days was playing with Ryan Leaf in his Ryan Leaf days.)


**DBSF recognizes the tragic comedy of Delhomme coming off a year where his QB rating was just shy of 60 going to the perennially inept Cleveland Browns. It's like asking Baron Davis to turn around the LA Clippers.

All's Quiet on the Western Front

(So as to appease the literati contingent of readers, DBSF felt it necessary to force the occasional--albeit slightly inaccurate--literary reference.)

This June several Western European powers face elimination in round one of the World Cup--France, Greece, England, Germany, Italy, and Spain. While some of these countries are in less danger of an early exit than others (i.e., Spain and Germany) and others might be less deserving of the "power" classification (i.e., Greece), this World Cup seems to be exposing a shift in power from Old Europe to the Americas.

Among the 16 countries in first or second place of their group as of this morning, seven of the 16 teams are from North or South America (Uruguay, Mexico, Argentina, Estados Unidos, Paraguay, Bra-seal, and Chile). Perhaps then, DBSF wonders--could a collapse of international futbol prominence among European Union nations represent a more deleterious effect on the morale of Europeans than the current economic instability?

Me, me, me, me, me, me: Lady Gaga Goes to a Baseball Game

Always one to shun attention, Lady Gaga attended yesterday's Yankees-Mets' game in just a Yankees jersey and . . . wait for it . . . underwear. She also made sure to drop the shoulder of the jersey and expose her bra during the National Anthem.

Much like "Reply to All" office email wildfires, where fifty people reply to all to tell someone (and everyone) else not to reply to all, DBSF will douse the Gaga attention flame with a little more kerosene . . .

DBSF 2010 NBA Draft: Top 5 Projected First Round Busts

Obvious there are many mock drafts on the internet (including DBSF's). For the sake of this exercise DBSF will go off Mike McGraw's June 15 draft on Yahoo! Sports. Players projected higher in the draft will earn greater consideration with respect to their bust-worthiness.

1. Ed Davis (UNC) -- DBSF has lamented over Davis before. (That won't stop him here.) Davis reminds DBSF of a bad Marvin Williams, who is a bad NBA player that gets a lot of clock because of the expectations that came with him when he was drafted second overall in 2005. If DBSF were an NBA general manager, Davis wouldn't crack the top 20. Look tall and athletic is one thing. But, being able to play basketball well is another.

2. Gordon Hayward (Butler) -- Now this critique should be qualified as many other mock drafts have Hayward going later (and that's why he falls below Davis even though he is projected two picks higher). Let DBSF make one thing clear--when it comes to college basketball DBSF is a major-conference elitist. Hayward looked great in the Horizon League but, here's the thing: nobody from Youngstown St. or Wisconsin-Green Bay is gonna play in the League. It's great that you dropped 25 on Valpraiso but that 6'3" small forward that guarded you all game becomes 6'10" and (admittedly, DBSF is being racist by assuming Hayward's whiteness makes him vertically inclined) can jump and play defense that would make Japanese soldiers on some WWII South Pacific atol proud. (Reference point for Hayward: Adam Morrison. Sure Morrison wins in the NBA, just not when he's in the game.)

3. Luke Babbitt (Nevada) -- Babbitt's another guy that seems to be skyrocketing up draft boards. One important fact to consider here: nobody--not one person--who attended the University of Nevada was ever good in the NBA. Let him fall to the late first round where he serve as formidable competitor in practice for four years before he finds a gig in Greece.

4. Ekpe Udoh (Baylor) -- Udoh could add value resting a big man off the bench so he's further down on the bust list. But, the league needs another 6'10" shot blocker with limited offense like the Memphis Grizzlies need Hasheem Thabeet. Wait a second? And, Thabeet's 7'3".

5. Craig Brackins (Iowa State) -- Two ominous signs for a power forward coming out after his junior year. First, a decline in his points and rebounds per game and FG% from his sophomore year. Second, in the draft analysis, they state that on an upside he could be Jason Thompson, (who on an upside could be another player who on that other player's upside could be Lamar Odom). Most people West of, oh, Sacramento--save his immediate family--don't even know who Jason Thomspon is unless they share DBSF's neurotic fascination of fastidiously checking each NBA box score in the morning.

Ron Artest's Perfect Thank You Speach

Aspiring national champions and Hollywood-block-buster-drama thespians, and accomplishers in general should take a note from Artest's post-game interview. Notice he doesn't pull from some subconscious cue card, and thank a) God, b) his family, c) his friends, or d) his teammates.

Rather, he thanks his neighborhood and his psychiatrist. And . . . and in an impromptu post script he informs the televiewing audience that his (music) single will be coming out soon. Geographical and Medical props and conspicuous marketing. Efficient.

Some Lucky Lady Finally Corrals David Silver

Love is in the Air, but not the ability to act . . . OMG DBSF can be soooo, so bitchy sometimes.

US Weekly has announced that--yes--David (pardon him, DBSF means Brian Austin Green) and Megan Fox have announced their re-engagement (in 2007 they took their first stab at it). Fox, who is a thespian as much as BP is a Gulf Coast environmental conservancy, took a stab at humor in stating that "It's going to be years [before she gets married]!I'm going to be 44 when I get married!" DBSF relationship advice to Ms. Fox--demand for your stronger assets are likely inversely related to age. Waiting until 44 will secure you little more than some low-grade, hard-core fetish porn assistant producer for a husband.

In other news, Brian Austin Green has officially f***ed every single woman in Hollywood.

Other DBSF Closing Thoughts on Game 7 and the Finals

Way not to be too bitter Kobe: When asked about what this fifth title meant to him, Kobe (6-24 shooting, yes that equals 25%) exclaimed "Just got one more than Shaq." It's good to see that Kobe's matured personally and emotionally, and that he doesn't hold grudges anymore. No comment of 'I want to thank my teammates/ family/ fans.' No, no Kobe just wants us to remember (presumably in the event that we lack the finger digits necessary to add to four or five) that he has one more ring than Shaquille O' Neal.

Ron Artest establishes himself as an all-time DBSFer: Most people will remember Artest's 20 points, 5 steal game 7 as a high-light of his career. DBSF, however, revels more in Artest's comments and personality. Artest was already on his way to an all-time DBSFer when a few seasons ago with the Bulls he announced that he would occasionally drink liquor at half-time of games (he was playing in). Last night he solidified his position after the game when he thanked his psychiatrist.

Another memorable Artest post-game quote from game 7: “Late in the second half, [Kobe] started to move the ball and attack and pass. He trusted us . . . and he passed me the ball. He never passes me the ball, and he passed me the ball. . . You can hear him in your head, ‘Ron, don’t shoot . . . don’t shoot.” Not only does this make DBSF like Artest more but it increases DBSF's hate for (the non-playing) Kobe.


Lamar Odom's +/-: Kobe did it! Fifth Championship! He's Jordan! That last statement is not only categorically untrue but it bothers the nether regions of DBSF's conscience about as deeply as USC's Pete Carrol acting surprised over the recent allegations that he ran essentially a professional NCAA football team for almost 10 years. Look at the +/- stats over the last 10 playoff games for the Lakers (so the Celts' series plus the last three from the Suns' series). Bryant is third on the team in +/- with 29.

The leaders are Artest (48) and Odom (43). And, Odom leads all Lakers with a +/- per minute with 0.143 (Kobe is less than half--half!!--at 0.69). This means for every minute Odom plays the Lakers gain a lead at twice the rate they do when Bryant is on the floor. For all of the Kobe-love that all the sportswriters with one-week memories will heep on Bryant, keep in mind that--at least in terms of his team's scoring (that is still the primary measure of "winning" in basketball, isn't it?)--Odom was a critical factor coming off the bench in this series.

Real Talk (part II): Accountability, NBA Finals

Real talk, DBSF is about accountability (and transparency and efficiency). Although his NBA Finals game 6 call was right, game 7's prognostication misfired like 18 of Kobe Bryant's shots in the game.

(Although DBSF was right about Rondo and Allen having big games . . . he was wrong about Gasol getting shut down. W/r/t Gasol's performance and the Celt's loss, DBSF will disregard the seemingly legitimate excuse that he could not foresee Kendrick Perkins' medial collateral ligament AND posterior cruciate ligament detaching in game 6.)

For the record, this counts, historically speaking, as the second DBSF misprgonosis (ever). The other time being in April 2003 when DBSF announced "mission accomplished" in regard to the fracas in Iraq--a full month prior to George William's announcement aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln**.


**Author's note: This was an especially crow-eatingly, psychologically burdensome misprognosis for DBSF as he was working as a greeter at the time at the Dunn Loring, VA Petsmart and (DBSF) opted in place of the conventional/ company directed "Welcome to Petsmart" with "Mission Accomplished". This super-patriotism--along with philosophical differences (which needn't be addressed here) between DBSF and the Dunn Loring, VA Petsmart management led to what can only be described as a premature departure from said Petsmart.

(Author's aside: it turns out that the position of greeter is far more complicated than one might assume. Patrons frequently ask questions [i.e., where can I find the Purina chow for small dogs?] that as a greeter can come as a surprise. Moments get tense when you show the Purina little dog chow-inquisitor your position description (p.d.) and indicate that no where on your p.d. does it state that you should discuss any non-greeting affairs. This normally results in a dead-eyed stare, or the question repeated only slower.)

Real Talk, Redskins Tryin' to get Some that Money Back

After requesting that their D tackle play nose guard in a 3-4 in what equates to a spit in the face and behind the back punch to the groin for Albert Haynesworth (and only Albert Haynesworth), the Redskins DT found the offense so egregious that he purposely missed the team's mandatory mini-camp to get in one more day of what DBSF imagines is likely uninspired XBox 360 play.

In reaction to his non-attendance, the AP is reporting that the Redskins are trying to recoup some of the $21 million in guaranteed money that they paid him to fake cramps and get overweight. Basically, new Redskins' head coach, Mike Shanahan, said "Albert, real talk, I'm gonna need some of that money back." Real talk indeed. (Editor's note: DBSF's editorial review board is still uncertain of Shanahan's use of the term "real talk". Verification forthcoming.)

Why Today's NBA Stars have Teams of Advisors

Surely Bird and Magic became fond of each other over years of professional and collegiate competition but, this picture depicts two gazes reserved only for when one is dedicating a sonnet to another under some willowy tree bordering a tranquil pond (with minimal to no fly/ gnat/ mosquito interference).

DBSF believes this is why today's NBA stars have so many advisers, who offer guidance on such promotional events so the stars look . . . well less in love. Presumably Magic and Bird, just thought "What the hell, the photographer just said hold the trophy and look at the man. That's what I'm doing." Today's advisers would probably counsel as follows:

Modern-day Bird Advisor: "Okay, gaze a little less romantically. A little less. A little less. Okay now not so forlorn. Okay, that's not working. Try to pretend he just said something mean to you. He insulted your mustache. No? (Advisor aside: "Larry, PS we need you too off that mustache. That thing's gonna land you on some FBI sex offender list any day now and once that happens we can kiss Nike and Adidas good-bye.") Okay, Larry how about we just throw on a less tight jersey? Fine, fine. Keep the jersey, keep the gaze just look at his shoulder or like the ceiling."

Modern-day Magic Advisor: "Magic give us a little angry. Grrrrrr. Fight. No, no. Okay you're just smiling. It looks like you want to break into some soliloquy about lost love. Caress the basketball on the trophy a little less . . . a little less . . . a little less. [To photographer and production team] "Yeah we're gonna need all of the negatives. I'll have some of my boys work this out in photo shop. Actually we're gonna need the negatives and the camera. Just to be safe."

NBA Finals Game 6 Recap: Note to Celtics' Bench--You Play for the Team with the Green Jerseys

Over 99 total minutes of basketball, the Celtics' bench offered a most Deshawn Stevensonesque* performance in Game 6. Supposedly a point of strength over the Lakers, the Celts' bench combined for 4-26 shooting (i.e., just a hair short of 15.4%), a 0.6 assist-to-turnover ratio, and an impressive 13 fouls.

Apparently Luke Walton, Josh Powell, and DJ Mbenga--yes, he's still in the league (he's the guy on the bench that sits next to Adam Morrison to make the funniest-looking bench tandem in the NBA)--were too much.

If the Celts want to take Game 7 as DBSF predicts they will then weed naps will have to take place before, not during, the game.

* It might seem like DBSF has a bone to pick with DS but, he doesn't--perhaps save for some tattoo decisions. It's just that DS was like almost last in the league in FG% this year. The only people behind him took basically no shots, had names, like JamesOn, or were Joe Alexander.

lowercaseletters: Change We Can Believe In!

According to DBSF's analytics, the site regularly draws ten-plus hits a day from the continental U.S. of A. Never one to ignore opportunity, DBSF will capitalize on his new found influence. Plan one--politics. And, none of this American/ Western European capitalist-democaracy nonsense, rather he's going straight Stalin--consolidate power and direct the masses.

There will also, of course, a touch of North Korea's Kim Jong Il with respect to accomplishments, like golf. DBSF, like Kim Jong Il, shot a 40 the first 18 holes of golf he ever played. Unlike Kim Jong--henceforth, KJ--DBSF achieved his 40 with only 7 hole-in-ones (although three of them were on 500+ yard par fives), not 8 like KJ aka the Dear Leader.

DBSF's first priotity: encouraging all to vote lowercaseletters for DC's hottest band. Vote here.

Vote early, vote often (if you have access to multiple ip addresses), vote lowercase.

Basically, Why the Internet was Invented.

DBSF believes this is what Al Gore had in mind.

From the DBSF Director of Animal Content.

Really, the Only Reasonable Way to Handle the Situation

Fastforward to about 3:10 for the real action.

DBSF had a similar outburst at Food Lion when his three-part Archie comic book kept ringing up for half a dollar more than the stated price. Rather than baseball paraphernalia, however DBSF's tantrum involved Cinnaburst Gum, several In Touch Weekly's (all Kardashian [sp?] related), and the entire fourth aisle's collection of Energizer batteries A through D--with the exception of the 1400 C Alkaline's that were conveniently placed in a display case facing the main thoroughfare.

(Author's note: DBSF has been requested, legally speaking, to avoid the Adelphi, MD Food Lion for a period of no less than 24 months starting April 2010. An appeal in the form of a phone call to the obstinate night assistant manager has gone unreturned.)

NBA Finals: Game 6 and 7 Predictions

What most people missed about Kobe's 38 in Game 5 was that he was -6 in the game. The only Laker in the plus was Lamar Odom (+7 in 26 minutes). Rondo and the Big Three-save Allen to a degree, and Rajon's 7 turnovers--powered the win.

DBSF predicts a Lakers win in Game 6. Bynum is clearly affected by his knee injury (he also had the lowest +/- at -12 in Game 5) and the Lakers will probably have to reconfigure their line-up (i.e., more minutes for Odom) to accommodate the injury. Garnett seems to have regained control of Gasol but, DBSF expects Gasol to have a breakout in Game 6.

In Game 7, the Celts will bounce back and take it on strong performances from Ray Allen--who's Michael Finley impression has made him futile since Game 2--and Rajon Rondo. Kobe will probably score 30-plus in Game 7 but he'll also take close to thirty shots. Unless Odom or Artest can have a breakout offensive game (DBSF doesn't see Gasol having back-to-back games on Garnett), the Lakers won't have enough fire power.

There it is. Another season, another reason for Sportscenter to push ESPNboston.com down our throats. Believe DBSF, he wouldn't have it this way if he could. If it were up to him, Adam Morrison and Brian Scalabrine would be chucking 40 shots each a game until the series ended in a tie on account deplorability.

So is it the Pac-11, Big X, and Big 11? Conference Realignment Scenarios

With Colorado leaving for the Pac-10 last week and Nebraska fleeing for the Big Ten on Saturday (and Boise State joining the now much more powerful Mountain West, in terms of football, at least), NCAA Division I football faces the potential of mass carpetbaggery as teams “do me” and look to establish themselves in the most financially promising conference.

DBSF—along with many other analysts, whom actually know what the heck they’re talking about—believes that this will likely result in the formation of a few “super-conferences”. Below are some potential scenarios for the major conferences assuming most want to move to a 16 team structure so they can have two eight-team divisions, and playoffs.

PAC 10: With Colorado on, the PAC 10 looks like it’s a growth conference. Since they couldn’t get Boise State, it seems most likely that they will continue to raid the Big XII (aka Big X now) and take Oklahoma, Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, and Oklahoma State. Texas A&M, Texas Tech, and Oklahoma State seem like a significant concession just to get Texas and Oklahoma, but acquiring the latter two makes the Pac-10 arguably the strongest football conference in D-1.

One other possibility would be to acquire Utah, who in terms of athletic quality are great, but offer a relatively small market (on a plus side there’s only so much trouble kids from USC can get into in Salt Lake City). The obvious loser here—besides the Iowa States and Kansas States who are essentially filler teams for a conference anyway—is Kansas. It could turn out that the basketball powerhouse will end up in Conference USA or the Big East because of its anemic football program.

SEC: If they can’t lure away Texas or Oklahoma, they will likely attempt to raid the ACC. The obvious candidates are Clemson and Georgia Tech. If they come there are rumors that the SEC has eyed Maryland but, the SEC is probably unwilling to take Virginia (which Maryland requires). DBSF expects the SEC to then take Florida State and Miami, which are both football-heavy schools.

ACC: If Clemson and Georgia Tech stay in the conference, then there will likely be no changes. However, if they leave the ACC will either have to appropriate teams from the Big East, or go ‘every-man-for-himself’ where DBSF expects Maryland and Virginia to go to the Big Ten. In the event that the ACC disbands the big losers are basketball powerhouses, Duke and UNC, who’s weak football programs make them unattractive to conferences like the SEC, that only play basketball because of Title IX. Virginia Tech and Boston College, two of the newest additions to the ACC, will also be vulnerable if they can’t get into the Big Ten.

If the ACC were to attempt to survive without Georgia Tech and Clemson (a founding member) then they would have to take teams like, West Virginia, Rugters, Connecticut, Syracuse, or Louisville from the Big East.


Big Ten: With the acquisition of Nebraska, the Big Ten represents another growth conference. It makes sense that the Big Ten attempts to steal Maryland and Virginia from the ACC, which are both quality academic institutions (an important factor for the Big Ten) that have historically strong athletic programs. Of course adding Maryland and Virginia would put the Big Ten at the Big Thirteen. Perhaps they could make a play for an Oklahoma and a Texas, but this seems unlikely as the Big Thirteen would have to expand to almost twenty teams to accommodate Oklahoma and Texas’s rivals. Other options include raiding the ACC further by taking Boston College and perhaps Virginia Tech, two schools that also meet the academic and athletic requirements of the Big Ten.

Big East: See ACC. This conference’s “raid potential” is somewhere between a Los Angeles Korean-owned supermarket in an early 1990’s race riot, and England in the summer of 1066. Depending upon how other scenarios play out, college football could ruin college basketball’s preeminent conference.

Conference USA: Has the potential to become a super-conference of inefficacy and rejection. If at least two major conferences jump to 16 teams, Conference USA will likely absorb another 15-20 teams. The result: (1) out of 32 Conference USA football teams, not one receives a single vote for the AP/ Coaches/ ESPN/ USA Today Top 25 for a decade; and, (2) Kansas wins a historic 578 straight conference basketball games until being upset by UAB in 2048 when Kansas mistakenly sends its women’s team to Birmingham (the female Jayhawks squander a 15 point second half lead after several yet-to-be-born players get in foul trouble).

In the end, conferences will make zero geographical sense, and DBSF believes all of this academic/ athlete-devoid wrangling serves solely to justify a BCS playoff system, which will provide ten to fifteen elite football universities with much more money as they will be able to play in up to three post-season games rather than one (assuming the BCS playoff adopts and eight-team tournament).

MLB Power Outage

DBSF was in the gym and on the TV Sportscenter was running a blurb about this season representing AROD's least amount of home runs in his first 58 games since like 1995. Immediately, DBSF associated with the deficiency of steroids flowing through AROD's veins. But, perhaps AROD's an anomoly in his power outage?

DBSF decided to conduct a brief study. MLB implemented its drug policy that banned the use of performance enhancing substances in the spring of 2006. So, DBSF decided to compare the performance of high home run hitters three years before the policy (2004-2006) with their performance three years after (2007-2009) it was implemented.

For players, DBSF used the top ten MLB home run hitters from the 2006 season. An obvious limitation to this method is that we would expect hitters who were in the later stages of their career in 2006, like Jim Thome, to experience a decline in home run output because of age, which would confound a relationship with potential steroid use. Of course, inversely we would expect younger power hitters, like Ryan Howard, to increase their productivity as they became naturally physically stronger and more acclimated to MLB pitchers. (Howard first appeared in the MLB in 2004.)

The results are interesting if not surprising. For the ten players in the study the average number of games per home run increased from 3.9 in the three seasons before the policy was implemented to 4.7 in the three seasons after the policy was implemented. (A player is hitting more home runs if their games per home run average is low. For example, an average of 1.0 games/ HR means the player will hit 162 home runs on the season if they play every game. Conversely, if a player plays every game but as a 162.0 game/ HR then they will hit 1 HR for the season.)

In fact, every player in the top ten of home run hitters in 2006 experienced an increase in the number of games it took him to hit a home run from the three seasons prior to the policy being implemented to the three season following (i.e., after drug testing was implemented, on average these players hit fewer home runs).

Below lists each player, his average number of games per home run from 2004-2006, and his average number of games per home run from 2007-2009. Travis Hafner and Andruw Jones appear to experience the greatest drop off as in the later seasons (2007-2009) it takes them approximately twice as many games to hit a home run as in the earlier seasons (2004-2006).

Player - 2004-2006 Games/ HR - 2007-2009 Games/ HR
Ryan Howard - 3.2 - 3.3
David Ortiz - 3.2 - 4.7
Albert Pujols - 3.4 - 4.0
Alfonso Soriano - 4.2 - 4.4
Lance Berkman - 4.5 - 5.1
Jermaine Dye - 4.4 - 4.9
Jim Thome - 3.8 - 4.4
Travis Hafner - 3.9 - 6.7
Andruw Jones - 3.9 - 6.8
Carols Beltran - 4.7 - 5.5

Total - 3.9 - 4.7

Keep in mind this list doesn't include players conventionally associated with performance enhacing substances like Jason Giambi, AROD, Mark McGwire, or Sammy Sosa.

DBSF World Cup Rankings

With the World Cup beginning today, a disproportionate amount of DBSF "coverage" will be dedicated to international futbol over the next month. While this might seem odd for an outlet that tends to focus on basketball (it is the NBA Finals) and smoking Malaysian babies (who is down to 15 cigarettes a day . . . it turns out to get a baby to stop smoking you just have to not give him cigarettes), DBSF believes the World Cup is the Mecca of sporting events.

The World Cup is the Final Four times the Superbowl times the BCS times the NBA Finals squared . . . and on coke. With that, DBSF will rank the order of the 32 teams he is cheering for (not, who he thinks will win). (Please note the difference between DBSF's preference for the first team and the rest is, galactically speaking, huge.)

1. Estados Unidos
2. Mexico
3. Côte d'Ivoire
4. Honduras
5. Ghana
6. Argentina
7. South Africa
8. Japan
9. Chile
10. Italy
11. Paraguay
12. South Korea
13. Uruguay
14. Portugal
15. Brazil
16. Australia
17. Denmark
18. Cameroon
19. Serbia
20. Slovenia
21. New Zealand
22. Switzerland
23. Netherlands
24. Nigeria
25. France
26. Slovakia
27. Spain
28. North Korea
29. Germany
30. Algeria
31. Greece
32. England

Why did Pete Carroll Leave USC?

Some college football fans were surprised to hear back in January that former University of Southern California football coach, Pete Carroll, left the school to coach the Seattle Seahawks (especially considering he'd been offered what seemed like better NFL head coaching options in the past).

At USC, Carroll had amazing facilities, a celebrity fan base, was paid well, and had won a National title (and the Trojans were usually contending in the years they hadn't won). Not to mention, Carroll hadn't had much success in the NFL.

Perhaps his decision to leave had something to do with the NCAA's aversion to compensating players and their families outside of established methods (i.e., tuition, room, and board).

FIFA 2010 World Cup: First Round Predictions

Since Brazil (pronounced Bra-seal, by non-Anglos) cut Ronaldinho, DBSF can only name one player in the World Cup, Clint Dempsey, and that's just because ESPN was doing a segment on him when DBSF's remote was on a week-long sabbatical beneath a couch cushion. Needless, to day DBSF hasn't seen too much futbol in the last few weeks/ months/ years (basically since the last World Cup).

Of course, this doesn't prevent DBSF from meta-analyzing other high-Google return websites providing such predictions, and offering them as his own analysis. So, coming out of the first round DBSF likes:

Group A: France, Mexico
Although Uruguay is rated one spot above Mexico, DBSF is going with his gut on this being a good year for May-he-ko. The other team in group A, South Africa, is ranked 83 in the world. There are 32 teams in the World Cup. Mathematically speaking, things don't look great for them.

Group B: Argentina, Greece
The other two teams, Nigeria and North Korea, lack the governmental stability and socioeconomic standards that DBSF looks for in most Baltimore street-gangs let alone countries. DBSF has to believe that for Nigeria and North Korea even to make the WC each country made some questionable resource allocation decisions with respect to a) supporting the national futbol club, or b) doing something about extreme poverty.

Group C: Estados Unidos, Good Britain
DBSF knows what you're thinking, 'Great analysis, way to pick only higher seeds.' But, there's a method to his sanity. England is perennially a top ten team so despite his angst over the Royal Family and Mr. Bean DBSF has to put them in. Estados Unidos is in because of the aforementioned documentary on Clint Dempsey that was both touching and motivational. If you saw it you would probably have Estados Unidos in whatever the World Cup calls the Final Four.

Group D: Germany, Australia
This is a tough group. Ghana is tempting and Serbia is ranked 15 in the world. But the Germans are a powerhouse and DBSF feels that, like Mexico, this is the Aussies' year.

Group E: Netherlands, Cameroon
DBSF didn't even know they played soccer in the Netherlands, but apparently FIFA has them ranked fourth (Author's note: a quick Wikipedia search revealed that the Netherlands are in fact a country and not one of those nebulous regions like the 'Balkans'.) The FIFA analysis says Japan is rebuilding, which sounds believable, and DBSF believes--probably mistakenly--that Denmark was a progenitor of the wooden clog, footwear that represents the antithesis of futbol.

Group F: Italy, Paraguay
Wait, there's a difference between Slovakia and Slovenia? For the sake consistency and minimizing confusion, what would it hurt to combine these two countries? Italy's Italy and Paraguay should be good by its nature since it borders Brazil. The New Zealenders will likely party too much the night before and oversleep for at least one first round match. Probably two though.

Group G: Brazil, Portugal
This was just a bad draw for South Korea and the Ivory Coast (aka Côte d'Ivoire, pronounced--at least to DBSF--Coat dee Ev-waaaa) in getting the number one and three ranked teams in the world. In 2006, Côte d'Ivoire showed they're ability, but Group G is likely going to be about Brazil, Portugal and a one game battle for third place.

Group H: Chile, Switzerland
Upset pick of the first round--world ranked number two Spain going down! Of course if Spain does go down this will probably bode unwell for the rest of the world as the fear of contagion of Greece's economic collapse affecting other larger European economies, like Spain, will become a reality when the entire Spanish population stops functioning/ working/ eating out of melancholy and an infinite sadness caused by their team not advancing. GDP will drop proportionally. Chile finished second behind Brazil in the South American qualifiers (so basically first), and supposedly Switzerland has some explosive young talent. (Of course if you didn't live in Switzerland DBSF doubts you would know this since the country is 41K square miles. Pennsylvania is 46K to give you some perspective.)

Stephen Strasburg Dominates Pittsburgh Pirates' Single-A Affiliate at National's Stadium

Can a pitcher be awarded the Cy Young after one outing?

For the first time since he was invited to a Bowie Baysox game for DBSF's Director of Content and Media's 3rd grade birthday party, DBSF watched more than one inning of baseball. (Author's note: It turns out that baseball is a 9 not 7 inning game. Did little league miss something?)

The extended televisual experience was due to the arrival of Stephen Strasburg, perhaps the most-hyped rookie in DC sports history (certainly of the decade). To say that Strasburg was dominant is like saying there might be an oil leak somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico--a gross understatement.

Strasburg made the Pittsburgh Pirates (who DBSF just learned did in fact field their MLB squad) look like an Outer Banks semi-pro ball club--the kind of baseball team that everyone has a cousin or cousin's friend on. It's not just that he gave up only two runs in 7 innings and, struck out an astounding 14 batters (including the last 7 he faced), but it's the fact that he was K'ing batters with so few pitches (he threw a total of 94 on the night).

Further, the Pirates' batters had less than no idea of where the ball was going. They were lost--I mean DBSF in the batting cage on 70 mph; Derek Rose on the SATs asked for the antonym of 'esoteric'. No idea. None. In the second inning, one of three in which Strasburg struck out three batters, after whiffing at 3 or 4 pitches you could almost see the Pirates' batter look to the dugout and think 'WTF am I supposed to do?' Lastings Milledge, who already hugs the Mendoza Line like it's a teddy bear, looked like he was swinging dental floss at a tic-tac.

Of course, the Strasburg haters will say: 'What about the two earned runs on four hits?' Law of large numbers, contrarians. Straburg throws nothing but strikes. Those Pirates batters were swinging blind as a bat, and it was only a matter of time before they connected on one or two. And, when you're pitching 98 mph heat, like Strasburg does, bunts go to the warning track. Therefore even the lowly Delwyn Young can go yard on the almighty Strasburg.

Although never a fan of making generalizations on small sample sizes, DBSF thinks it might be time to start believing the Strasburg hype.

DBSF 2010 Mock NBA Darft.v1

Because there's probably nothing easier to blog about than making a list of which usually only the first 3 or 4 selections are of any consequence, DBSF will abuse his first amendment rights.

1. Washington Wizards -- John Wall (Kentucky)
This will represent a step-up from Shaun Livingston at the PG for the Wizards, who last year at this time was participating in a most-intense slam-off session with DBSF on NBA 2K8 on the PS3 (DBSF had misplaced his NBA 2K9).

2. Philadelphia 76ers -- Evan Turner (Ohio State)
The one other sure-shot in the draft. Perhaps the great irony will be that Turner will be averaging 17 and 6 on his rookie contract, while Elton Brand is still stealing $15 mil a year to make music videos we'll never (nor should we) see.

3. N.J Nets -- DeMarcus Cousins (Kentucky)
2 thoughts: (1) DeMarcus weighs 290 pounds at 19 which equals exactly twice what DBSF weighted then. DBSF would take half of his salary if offered. (2) John Callipari not being able to win with this talent (2 projected lottery picks, 4/ 5 potential first round picks) officially classifies him as "not an X's and O's type guy".

4. Minnesota Timberwolves -- Wesley Johnson (Syracuse)
Most people would say Favors here but the Wolves already have Al Jefferson and Kevin Love at the 4 and 5. Corey Brewer plays D, but offense still seems a foreign concept to him. Advantage Johnson.

5. Sacramento Kings -- Derrick Favors (Georgia Tech)
Some people might think this was the steal of the draft. DBSF thinks this won't be the case. Here's why: Favors will lead the NBA in "them youngins don't be passin' me the ball 'nuff" complaints to anonymous assistant coach.

6. Golden State Warriors -- Al-Farouq Aminu (Wake Forest)
Why not Ed Davis? DBSF will tell you why--if you're not good at college basketball, you're probably not going to be that good at professional basketball. This isn't to say that Aminu will be any good but he will fit into Golden State's system of running up and down the court, taking ill-advised shots, and tying one's shoes during defense.

7. Detroit Pistons -- Cole Aldrich (Kansas)
They play slow, he lives slow. He offers little offense but he may be the best defensive big man in this draft (he averaged 9.8 rbg, and 3.5 bpg as a junior). This pick will ensure that NBC, ESPN and TNT will not pick up a single Pistons' game for a minimum of 4 seasons.

8. LA Clippers -- Ed Davis (North Carolina)
The Clippers have a history of picking poorly. Because Blake Griffin was injured all last season they probably have already forgotten that they picked a 4 last season. Ed Davis is basically Blake Griffin minus the basketball abilities.

9. Utah Jazz -- Greg Monroe (G'Town)
Most drafts have Monroe going higher. This would probably be the best fit for Monroe's game and considering the Jazz's depth at the 4 and 5 (assuming Mehmet Okur's Achilles reattaches at some point in the off season) there won't be pressure on Monroe to perform immediately.

10. Indiana Pacers -- Xavier Henry (Kansas)
Much like Ed Davis he wasn't a particularly impressive college player (in terms of lottery picks). And, much like Ed Davis he probably won't do much in the pros. Congratulations Danny Granger you may continue hoisting 25 shots a game.

11. . . . Sure there are late-draft Darren Collison's and Michael Redd's every five or six years, but you don't really expect DBSF to know if there's one in this class, do you?

And with the First Overall Pick in the 2010 MLB Draft, the Washington Nationals Select . . . the Ultimate Bro

With last night's Bryce Harper selection, the Washington Nationals not only get a 17 year old catcher with supposedly extraordinary offensive potential and some one to catch Stephen Strasburg's god-like fastballs but, they also got . . . the ultimate bro.

(Note: DBSF uses "god-like" in jest in reaction to the irrational exuberance over a 21 year old from Southern California K'ing a bunch of double-Aer's over the last couple months. The hype has gotten so out of hand that a town in Virginia that shares the pitcher's surname is going to rename itself in honor of Washington's most recently unproven superstar. That's lame even by Virginia's standards.)

The above picture of Harper says it all--black button-down, spiked up dirty-blond hair. This kid definitely uses Axe Body Spray, reads Maxim magazine quasi-religiously, and relies on "awesome" as an affirmative in place of "yes". On the DBSF bro-scale, Bryce Harper is a 8 with a long-term potential for a 9.2 (so slightly above Dane Cook, but still below Peyton Manning).

Rondo . . . and the Big Three

DBSF makes no attempts to hid it--he's gay for Rajon Rondo. Compare Rondo's playoff stats to his fantastic regular season, and you'll understand. The only categories where he has declined in the playoffs from the regular season is in steals per game (he dropped from his NBA leading 2.3 to 2.0 . . . .pathetic), and field goal percentage (51% to 46%).

Rondo's averages for points (2.9), assists (0.1), rebounds (1.3), ft % (.005), and minutes (4.7) have all increased. Perhaps most impressively--and what is always charged to be a weakness of his game--Rondo's three-point percentage has more than doubled from a DeShawn Stevenson like 21.2% in the regular season to 46.4%. All the while Rondo leads all players in the NBA Finals with a 93 +/- (Kobe follows at 86).

This begs the question: when will the basketball media and fans start referring to Boston's stars as "Rondo and the Big Three" so as to better reflect the hierarchy of their contributions.

The Marge Schott Paradox

In a conversation about former MLB manager Davey Johnson with a DBSF loyalist (i.e., an individual who has read DBSF on two or more occasions and at least half of the readings were intentional, and not because she/ he was googling "dembammasstraightfraying", or some other typo-related encounter), said loyalist pointed out an interesting conundrum about former Cincinnati Reds' owner Marge Schott (as is relates to Davey Johnson).

It would be a bit of an understatement to say that Schott exhibited little sympathy for racial, ethnic, religious, and gender sensitivities. In fact, she apparently had little concern for her own baseball diamond as rumor has it that she would allow her St. Bernard's--aptly named Schottzie and Schottzie 02--to defecate (i.e. poop) on the Reds field.

So, it comes as a surprise when in the aforementioned conversation, DBSF learned that Schott, an individual whom for all other purposes showed minimal concern for others, fired Davey Johnson, who was the Reds' manager at the time, because he was living with his girlfriend before they were married.

Ben Roethlisberger is Glad to Have a 'Second Chance'?

The AP is reporting that Ben Roethlisberger is relieved be back on the field and have the whole rape distraction behind him. In the article, Roethlisberger is quoted, “I think this is a time for me to kind of close the chapter of the last couple of years of my life and move on to a new one, kind of a new start. I’m kind of really excited about it.”

DBSF is curious if this excitement Roethlisberger speaks of is commensurate to the excitement he had when his lawyer let him know that his most recent victim decided--at the behest of her lawyer--to drop charges after it became evident that the defense (i.e., Roethlisberger, and yes DBSF notes the irony of a 6'5" 250 lb. man being "in defense" against a 20 year old woman) would pursue not a traditional defense in court, but rather--and perhaps more reflective of the defendant's character--an offense, consisting of a crusade to so publicly denigrate the young woman that the smear campaign could become more intolerable than the alleged act of violence.

But, the defense's offense isn't what perplexes DBSF. Rather, its Roethlisberger's relief over a "second chance". Now, DBSF is no mathematician but wasn't Roethlisberger's "second chance" after the first time he was accused of sexual assault. Wouldn't this then be his "third chance" (that we know of, considering the low rate of report on sexual assaults, this could be his "fourth" or "fifth", etc). Congratulations, Ben. We--save women--are all happy/ proud for you.

Pack your bags, we're moving to South Korea

With fun like this, how the heck can North Korea get so angry with the South?

What's the Problem Here?

After umpire Jim Joyce missed a call on the last out of the game that cost Armando Galarraga a perfect game, DBSF is baffled with what’s so complicated with reversing the call.

Galarraga made the following out for a one-hitter. (So, in a way its like he pitched a 28-out perfect game.) Joyce admits he made the wrong call, and the video replay is indisputable so why is there even a discussion? Common sense is deadly.

‘The Kid’ Calls it a Career

Perhaps the greatest disappointment of Ken Griffey, Jr announcing his retirement today is not wondering what could have been had he stayed healthy or him ending his career on such a lackluster note (batting .184 with no HRs in 98 at bats this season), but it has been the absence of fanfare and media coverage on the retirement of one of—if not the—greatest baseball players of his era.

(Griffey especially deserves consideration as the greatest of his era should we exclude all those asterisked, performance-enhanced MLBers.)

Over a twenty-year career, Griffey amassed 630 HRs, over 1,800 RBIs, and almost 2,800 hits (he was a career .284 hitter), most of this we know or will find out in blogs and the sports pages. But to really appreciate Griffey, one must look at him in his peak. With the Mariners from 1996 to 1998 he hit 49, 56, and 56 HRs respectively. He had over 140 RBIs in each of those seasons, and in 1996 he played only 140 games. That’s right! 140 RBIs in 140 games in 1996 . . . juice-free.

While the media becomes distracted with Armando Galarraga getting robbed of a perfect game (which is somewhat understandable), it has ignored the final chapter of an all-time great, whom had an almost statistically unfathomable 1990s.

But, Lawrence how do you remember that it was 41?

LT's draft memory: 41 beers

In an interview with Sports Illustrated, Lawrence Taylor admitted to not remembering much of the day he was drafted because he dranks 41 Coors Lights.

This brings up two thoughts for DBSF: 1) For the person who doesn't prioritize drinking above the mundane, like attending work, or have multiple methods for alleviating myriad hang-overs, an obvious question arises--how, if you forgot most everything else, do you remember the specific number of beers? (Answer: When drinking for sport and after an individual hits twenty beers and is still feeling life, counting becomes a priority analgous to breathing and blinking).

2) Coors Lights--DBSF's favorite domestic light beer--will be designated "LT Lights" while consumed during the NFL draft forthwith.

Not to Self: Cancel Trip to Guatemala City

By now most people have heard about the destruction and tragedy of Tropical Storm Agatha in Guatemala City. Most people have also seen pictures of the giant sink hole that formed in the middle of the city.

Now DBSF understands that sinkholes happen. And, some sinkholes—like the one in Guatemala City—can engulf an entire block. But, this sinkhole—more specifically, its infinite depths—is a different beast.

If DBSF lived in Guatemala City, he would have to be concerned about what the city was actually built on. Because from the looks of things it appears that there’s like two feet of concrete, twenty-five feet of soil, and then abyss (presumably populated by mole people).

An Ovechkin in America

Act 3

Scene 2: A fancy NW Washington/ Georgetown restaurant. Subtle yet impressive floral and table arrangements. The room is dimly lit, and a hirsute Russian is sitting alone at a table for two. Soft jazz is playing and a waiter approaches.

Waiter
Is this your first time dining with us, Monsieur?

Ovechkin
Inaudible grunt.

Waiter
Pardon?

Ovechkin
Inaudible grunt. (Ovechkin pulls out what looks like several large bills and slams them on the table. A few flutter to the floor.)

Waiter
Ahhhh, sir we usually only request payment after the meal. Perhaps you’d prefer to hear our specials today. We have the veal scallopini, which is dressed in a most . . .

Ovechkin
Loud inaudible grunt. Meeeeeaat!

Waiter
Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Now I see. Our young gentleman would prefer a meat dish. Perhaps I may start you with an aperitif or a salad?

Ovechkin
Meaat. (Slams silverware onto the table. Ovechkin continues to avoid all eye contact.)

Waiter
Of course. How silly of me. An entrée . . .something with meat . . . right away for our hungry young bachelor. May I ask what type of meat you prefer?

Ovechkin
(Doesn’t speak. Marvels at the light as it reflects off the base of the salad knife.)

Waiter
Well, let’s try the basics. We have chicken then there’s beef . . . .

Ovechkin
Chicken. (He slams his fist, which is clutching a fork.)

Waiter
Of course, of course. Chicken. You made a great choice. Our chef, Francois, is renowned for his Coq Au Vin. Most delicious indeed. In fact the Secretary of State was here just last week and sent personal compliments to the ch . . .

Ovechkin
You bring me chicken. I kill with. (He points to the salad knife which he appears to be sharpening on a brass accoutrement bordering his chair.)

Waiter
I’m sorry?

Ovechkin
Chicken. Bring to me. I make food.

Waiter
I’m sorry sir but, we’ll prepare it for you. You can just relax, and have glass of wine. Perhaps I shall have the sommelier come by with suggestions.

Ovechkin
I make chicken.

Waiter
I see. Well, unfortunately all of our chickens are already dead. We only have the meat. Even if we wanted to bring you a live chicken, we couldn’t.

Ovechkin
You mean Alexzzander no kill.

Waiter
Ah yes, in deed. Alexander does not have to kill. You see in America it is custom that the restaurant handle all preparations for meat. Our patrons must simply enjoy our food and ambiance. May I ask where you’re from?

Ovechkin
RuuuSHA.

Waiter
Ahh, Russia. I studied in Saint Petersburg in my earlier years. (The waiter becomes preoccupied with his thoughts and is staring into the ceiling in an attempt to gather his thoughts.) Hmmm, it’s been so long. How do you say it. Let’s see. Ahh. What I want to say is ‘how are you’. But, in Russian. It’s, it’s . . .

(Ovechkin begins buttering bread with a fork and adding flowers and stems from the table's centerpiece. He eats bread, butter, flower and all. He looks around, and turns to the closest table. A middle aged couple are intensely discussing something. Ovechkin reaches over and grabs and handful of food from the women’s plated and forces it into his mouth. Much of it dribbles onto his clothes.)

Curtain

The Playing Doctor

Yahoo! Sports recently reported on Doc Rivers’ plan of lowering the minutes of his veteran stars later in the season in preparation for the playoffs. While Rondo and the Big Three collect most of the attention for Boston’s playoff surge, DBSF believes this strategy should remind NBA fans of Rivers’ status as an elite NBA coach.

Consider the following. Prior to the NBA All-Star break, the Celtics won 78% of their games with Pierce playing an average of 35.5 minutes per game (mpg), Garnett playing 30.6 mpg, and Allen playing 36.7 mpg. In an effort to rest (and to allow physical recuperation) Rivers reduced the Big Three’s playing time after the All-Star break so Pierce was down to 31.5 mpg, Garnett to 28.8 mpg, and Allen to 32.9 mpg.

Of course the reduction in playing time came at a cost as the Celtics won only 61% of their games after the All-Star break, and fell to a four-seed where they would have to face a fresh Cavalier’s team in the second round. Now in the Finals and with a healthy player corps—save Marquis Daniels—Rivers’ plan appears to have paid off.