Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore Break NCAA Recruiting Rules, but Not Really . . .

The celebrisports blogosphere is a-humming with news that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore violated NCAA recruiting rules when they met with two Iowa basketball recruits at a University of Iowa football game. (Ashton is from Iowa, and as a fan of and donor to the Hawkeyes, it can be viewed as improper contact with a booster.)

But, the NCAA and the humming blogosphere miss that high school recruits, born in 1992 and 1993 have a faint understanding of Ashton Kutcher, and literally no idea who Demi Moore is. Let's start with Ashton. An indisputable star, Ashton is likely best known for Punk'd, which ran from 2003 to 2007. In the mid-2000s these kids were tweens and watching the likes of Even Stevens, and Ed, Edd, and Eddy.

With respect to movies, the recruits probably missed 'What Happens in Vegas' and 'Valentine's Day'. (In fact, as irony would have it, the writers and editors of 'Valentine's Day missed the film too. Or, at least they missed the production portion of filming, and were only able to catch it during its 4 day run in movie theaters.)

As for Moore (another undeniable superstar), these recruits' parents probably hadn't even met when St. Elmo's Fire was released. If you're born in 1993, DBSF has to believe you don't know who Rob Lowe or Andrew McCarthy are. As such, these kids were alive during the GI Jane/ The Juror stage of Moore's career, which, well, you didn't see either movie, did you?

So, give the Hawkeyes a break. It's not like the recruits were allowed to meet Emilio Estevez

Are there Qualifications for having a Manager?

The AP is reporting that Jenn Sterger (likely a former model-cum-cocktail waitress-cum-something internet-bikini related), the woman who allegedly received lewd photos from Brett Favre, is considering talking with the NFL about the incident. (Presumably she has withheld thus far so the name "Jenn Sterger" can trend on Yahoo! for an extra week.)

This of course is non-news as there is no mention of the Kardashian that didn't date Reggie Bush or marry Lamar Odom, nor is there any mention of an anaconda swallowing a villager. But, what stuck out to DBSF is how this news made it to the AP--through Jenn's manager.

So, let DBSF get this straight. Brett Favre throws the old Blackberry down the pants and catches ball and probably 2/3 shaft then forwards said picture and that justifies you having a manager? What if Brett dialed the wrong number by one digit and got some receptionist at Motel 8's cell phone. Does the Motel 8 receptionist need a manager?

Presumably this manager is in it for some financial reward. But, last time DBSF checked a 35 pixel shot of hairy groin isn't pulling top offers on Ebay even if it is the groin of the NFL's most annoying QB.

Marcus Camby: Worst Tattoos in the NBA

Having the worst tattoos in the NBA is an accomplishment. As long as the Denver Nuggets field a team upper necks will be adorned with girlfriend's cursived names and praying hands holding rosary beads. But, if DBSF were to award just one player with the ignominious distinction of the NBA's worst tattoos it would have to be Portland Trailblazers center, Marcus Camby.

On his right arm, Camby has not one but two Japanese letters. Better yet, the top one actually looks like its quasi-tribal-Japanese lettering. And on the left arm--to remind us that he did play JV high school basketball at one point in his life--Camby has the gratuitous first name "Marcus" curling above a (yes) basketball going through the hoop. Just goes to show you that no matter how much money, or professional athletic success one has, there's something undeniably enticing about getting tatt'd up at the Ocean City boardwalk.

Semi-Celebrity News Quickie

by: the Admiral

DBSF has learned that after a whirlwind romance that Jo from the Facts of Life and Tory from Saved by the Bell have been wed in a commitment ceremony is San Bernadino, California.

They wore matching denim shirts and mullets and were joined by a small group of family and friends. Mr. Belding walked Tory down the aisle and Mrs. G did the same for Jo. Jessie Spano & Blair served as co-Maids of Honor, but Al Sharpton is up in arms because neither Lisa Turtle or Tootie were invited.

Brian Bosworth: Back in the Spotlight, kinda

Last week hyper-American Brian Bosworth was back in the news. Although DBSF didn't click on the link, presumably his most recent fame was probably for writing bad checks, possessing files on a hard drive that the Federal Bureau of Investigation has made explicitly clear that no one is to possess, or for steroids. (Actually, yawn, it was about some college player-pro agent connection. If its not about a Jonas brother or a Kardashian, it's just not news to DBSF anymore.)

Now for those unfamiliar with "the Bos" (a DBSF-anointed sobriquet) he was Ronald Reagan/ super-capitalism/ Cold War because nobody else wants to fight us Americano-machismo rolled into one. And then multiplied, and exponentiated, and likely exponentiated another time. He was Horatio Alger on steroids with a mullet.

But, all this is beside the point. Bos's newfound--albeit unwanted--popularity conjured images of cut-off tees and lines running along the side of the head for DBSF. So in honor of Bos DBSF presents a short gallery of, well, a man that makes Jeremy Shockey (as close as the NFL has to a duel MMA and NASCAR champ) look like Tony Parker (a Frenchman married to a non-Kardashian celebrity).

Gay didn't exist in the 80's.




Bos just wants to have fu-un.




My sideburns. Mine are the best. Not yours. Mine.



What do you mean they messed up my lines? Is the mullet still there?



So, Howie Long turned down this role? And Bob Golic too? Whatever. Can I at least keep the earing until they finish post-production?

New Bron Bron Ad

Goin' at Chuck.

Are you as Cold as Ice?

by: the Admiral

Yo! Use this flizzow chart to see if you are as COLD AS ICE!!

Word to your mutha!

At the Movies Quickie

by: the Admiral

The concept and rating system for At the Movies can be found here.

_________________________________________________

T-minus 2 weeks until the release of Dreamwork’s much “anticipated” Megamind.

Dreamworks is always lauded for fostering a culture of creativity and originality. I don’t buy it. You can paint the Great Gazoo blue and put Fred on steroids, but any idiot can tell that this is nothing but a blatant rip-off of and old episode of the Flinstones.

At the Movies Rating: 1 Meatball

The Day That Movies Died

by: the Admiral

Everyone always said that Don McLean’s American Pie was about the death of Buddy Holly & the Big Bopper. I know better, and before the lyrics were changed it was a prophetic ballad written in the 1960s about how no good movie would be made after the 1980-1989 pinnacle of American Cinema. The song narrator is a paperboy reading the awful movies section in the paper and reminiscing about great 80s movies of his childhood. Then he spots a headline about January 1, 1990, the day that movies died.

For those that forget the tune can listen here before reading.

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How those movies used to make me smile.
And I knew when I had the chance,
That I could go and watch Flashdance,
And maybe, I’d be happy for a while.

But Days of Thunder made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Tom Cruise’s first misstep;
Like 21 Jump Street Johhny Depp.
I can’t remember if I cried,
When I said goodbye to the Princess Bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day that movies died.

So bye-bye, Mr. George McFly.
Loved when Swayze danced with Baby,
And every movie with Sly.
And both of the Coreys were in Licensed to Drive,
And no one ever heard of Vanilla Sky.

Do you watch Flavor of Love,
And forget about the Ghostbustas,
Not to mention 3CPO;
Do you believe in Indiana Jones,
And Arnold starring in Commando,
Or Star Trek 4: The Voyage Hoooome.

Well I used to know Keith Sutherland,
Before Flatliners with Kevin Bacon.
What happened to you dude?
Man, I dug you in Footlooooose!!!
Was I the only preteen that was struck,
With the film genius of Uncle Buck,
I knew that life was gonna suck,
The day, that movies died.

I started singin’,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
Lampoon’s Chevy, Once hot Demi,
And the Cobra Kai.
The Breakfast Club and the sequel to Fly,
And especially Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Now for over ten years all the movies have blown,
Eddie Murphy’s fat, and so is Sharon Stone,
That’s not how is used to be.
Before Jerry Stiller starred in the King of Queens,
And livers were eaten with fava beans,
And the best films were all PG-thirrrrteeeeeen.,

Oh, while John Hughes was looking down,
Some jokers stole his movie crown,
Two thumbs are earned,
But no one seems concerned.

Back when the Gremlins and Steve Speilburg’s shark,
Were more fun than an amusement park,
And no one had heard of Marky Mark,
Before, the movies died.

We were singin’,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
Give me Beetljuice, Rain Man,
And Rocky Five,
I love the Lost Boys and Magnum P.I.,
And even Born on the Fourth of July.

Back then Ogre wore a varsity letter,
And Van Damme’s kicks were never better,
Now Eight Mile’s on, and I’ll pass.
The films now are not in Goonie’s class,
Or Bloodsport with its all star cast,
Or Miyagi, up in heaven, kicking aaaaass.

The movies now can not touch Dune,
Private Benjamin or Temple of Doom.
We wished we could romance,
the hot girl from Flashdance!
We even watched The Killing Fields,
Weekend at Bernie’s was the real deal,
And RoboCop was made of steel,
And then, the movies died.

We were singing,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
To the Never Ending Story,
And to Staying Alive,
And they did it all without C.G.I,
But are ten times better than District 9.

When the TriLams won the tricycle race,
Spaceballs was lost in space.
So come on: Rob DeNiro, please be quick,
Come out with a decent flick,
Cause Meet the Parents made me sick.

And 90s flims about coming of age,
Send me into some fits of rage,
No one older than 12,
Could think they’re written well.

And as lame films come out every night,
That make a person want to fight,
I saw they all forgot how to write,
The day, that movies died.

He was singin,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
16 Candles, Bachelor Party,
8 Million Ways to Die,
Obi Wan, Freddy Krueger, and Weird Science say bye,
Today's movies make me want to die.

I met a guy from Porkys 2,
And I asked him for some happy news.
But he just smiled and said watch Blu-Ray.
So I went down to the video store,
Where Erol’s was located years before,
But the man there said Rugged Warehouse was all that staaaayed.

Friday 13th: made children scream,
The Society of Dead Poets dreamed
Not a word was spoken;
The films now all are broken.
And the three movies I admire most:
Breakin’, Big, & anything but Ghost,
They joined Purple Rain for the coast
The day that movies died.

And they were singing,
Bye-bye, Mr. George McFly,
Drug Store Cowboy, Croc Dundee,
And Just One of the Guys,
And Feldman and Haim were doing blow every night,
Thinking We’ll be famous til the day that we die.
Famous til the day that we die.

In Loving Memory
Corey Haim
December 23, 1971 – March 10, 2010

Ronnie Lott > Mark Teixeira

The Yankees non-hitting (0-14 in ALCS) first baseman/ $180 million man, Mark Teixeira, is out for the rest of the playoffs after pulling a hamstring last night, in the Yanks 10-3 loss to the Rangers. Teixeira later said that the Grade-2, or moderate, strain was a sign from his body saying "That's it. That's enough."

That's like the time Ronnie Lott lost part of his finger during a game at the end of the 1985 season. Apparently pulling a hammy is far more detrimental to one's participation in athletics than losing an appendige as Lott left the finger on the field and had the nub taped up so he could finish the game. Mark Teixeira is starting to make Albert Haynesworth look like Cal Ripken, Jr.