Two NBA Distinctions from the First 2.5 Weeks

The Solipsists/ 'nothing exists outside the self' distinction--Through ten games and approximately 210 minutes of basketball Derrick Favors has 0 assists. (DBSF is scouring the internet for data on passes and dribbles per individual because he assumes Favors' dribble to pass ratio is probably peaking in the JR Smith 50:1 range, which is phenomenal for a PF with no discernible ball-handling skills.) DeAnrde Jordan is a close second with 1 assist over 256 minutes. These gentlemen adhere to the philosophy of magnanimity of the self. Related to the solipsists are another distinguished group who not only take provocation at the lightest intimation of them passing the ball, but at the same time practice little discretion w/r/t its possession. While Andrew Bynum might seem like the undisputed leader of this group with an average 0.8 assists and 3 turnovers per game, in fact DeMarcus Cousins' average of 0.6 assists per 3.3 turnovers for a most un-Nash'ian 0.18 assist to turnover margin reigns supreme. D-Mark, as DBSF is now thinking about referring to him, also dominates the league with 4.8 fouls per game which is over a half a foul per game more than the next hacker. Fortunately for DeMarcus, DBSF can attest (as much as one can attest to the considerations of another, whom the attester has never met) that he, D-Mark, genuinely doesn't care.

Second, there's the 'presumably it only gets better' distinction: This is actually a partial team award and it goes to the entire Washington Wizards backcourt. Currently, Nick Young leads all guards in making 37.8% of his field goals. And this isn't like some nerd advance-stats measure of field goal percentage that controls for things like contested shots, time left on the shot clock, defender, and whether the host city has a Miami or Salt Lake City nightlife scene. No, literally Nick Young will make about one out of every three shots you give him and he's the most accurate guard on the roster.  After Young it drops to John Wall's 33.8% which as a batting average garners NL MVP consideration, but in basketball basically means that you make your lay-ups and not much else. Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly if you've actually watched the Wizards)  the remaining three guards on the roster--Roger Mason, Shelvin Mack, and Jordan Crawford--all average 33.3%. In other words, if there were zone defenses in the NBA these guys would make at most one fifth of their shots. But it's not all bad for the Wizards' backcourt as second-year PF Kevin Seraphin anchors the team with a 14.3% FG%, which basically makes Seraphin the NBA's Adam Dunn. (Eric Gordon and Reggie Evans also deserve consideration. Gordon is shooting 8% on threes while taking 6 a game and Evans has made 1 of 9 free throws but injuries and limited playing time prevent the two from qualifying.) DBSF should note that many of these distinctions should be asterisked as JR Smith is still being held in Chinese basketball asylum and once released will likely retain his supremacy in these categories.