DBSF: Music Edition

No, DBSF isn't going to recommend bands/ singer-songwriters. While DBSF should note that he was one of the first to like a musician for the idea of the musician as opposed to the actual musical output, this is more about music as it relates to culture, ability, and generally speaking the most perfect form of human expression--Kim Kardashian's stab at becoming a recording artist. In the following DBSF offers his most pedestrian analysis of Kim K's beneficent act (because she shared her celestial abilities with us).

(Start at 1:45.)


2:07 "The Dream saw this slip of me singing something at the Grammy's . . ." Translates to my Media team told and paid Dream to work with me. (They also likely predicted my two month marriage, so they threw in--unbeknownst to me [Kim, not DBSF]--that he, the Dream, could probably hook up with me.)

2:14 "I'm so shy, I would be so nervous to get into a studio . . ." But, just not shy enough to have cameras document every non-bowel movement of my day.

2:21 Friend: "It's gonna be about having a fun experience . . ." Kim, there are literally no, and I mean zero expectations of you. There is no doubt that the talent in your family rests solely in your mother's amazing ability to market her daughters. The Dream is doing this because the only other way he could get on E! is by knocking up and briefly marrying another R&B pop artist, and it comes to a point that with illegal downloading taking so much away from the profits of the music industry that such relations are no longer financially feasible.

2:50 It is at this point that DBSF has never wanted a faux lunch conversation to end. It's painfully obvious that the "friend" is just there to get some E! time and E! demands that Kim interact with some non-Kardashians so she can come off as marginally human. For marketing purposes this 'come off as human thing' is also critical so Black Friday shoppers can at least superficially relate to Kim, which will then encourage them to buy the Taiwanese perfume she sold her name to at Walmart at 2am Black Friday morning for what amounts to, salary-wise, two day's work of the Black Friday Shoppers' bi-weekly pay check. (DBSF thinks Rite Aid might also sell it; but at a slight mark-up.)

5:45 There's a conversation about pregnancies and colds, which convinces DBSF that either E! doesn't hire editors for this show, or simply there was so little content in this week of taping that they had no other option.

5:52 Kim: "What is your vision? Do you want to do a whole album?" Dream: "Not, nothing crazy." Translation: I wrote 'Umbrella' and 'All the Single Ladies'. Yeah, I'm done writing and producing platinum records. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life and hundreds of thousands of dollars in studio time in Manhattan fulfilling your delusions.

6:25 Dream: "We're into here to have fun . . . Take a couple shots of tequila . . ." The sooner we stop this make-believe recording session the sooner I maybe hook-up with you.

6:46 "I mean I can't say no, it's the Dream. But, I'm so terrified." Buttttttt, was also able to fly across the country for this, and had no issue scheduling studio time with one of the biggest producers in the biz.

In the end, the person who fortunately--but probably illegally--uploaded this clip wasn't able to include Kim's actual singing. Basically, the Dream sets up a song where she has to whisper-sing to a chorus something like "Yeah, yeah, yeah" over a heavy-synth, voice modified effect. It makes Britney Spears' vocal contributions to an album look like Adele's. Watching it by DBSF's self in his own living room made DBSF think that watching Caligula while holding hands with his Mom would have been equally comfortable.

Interpreting Baseball's New CBA

Today the Washington Post addressed some of the highlights of MLB's new collective bargaining agreement. DBSF provides his interpretation of some of the changes:

"Players suspected of an alcohol problem, including those arrested for DWI or other alcohol-related crimes, must undergo mandatory evaluation." (Read: Miguel Cabrera, MLB wants you to undergo mandatory evaluation. Not necessarily a bad thing. If you had more time to detox earlier in the season so you played like you did at the end of the season when you were sober you probably would've won the AL MVP, and not your teammate pitcher.)

"The top 200 prospects will be subject to pre-draft drug testing." (Read: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays used what little leverage they had in the CBA to remind everyone that they're still PO'd about the whole Josh Hamilton thing.)

"By 2013, all players must wear a new Rawlings batting helmet designed to protect against pitches at up to 100 mph." (Read: The Twins are still PO'd about the whole Justin Morneau thing.)

"No new players entering major leagues may use low density maple bats." (Read: DBSF wishes Sammy Sosa had known about this. If they were more readily available--and if daily injections of horse hormones were still standard MLB protocol--DBSF is confident Sammy would still be hitting 40+ home runs a season.)

"Players, managers, and coaches will be prohibited from using smokeless tobacco during televised interviews and team appearances. Once stadium gates open, players, managers and coaches must conceal tobacco products and may not carry tobacco products in their uniforms or on their bodies." (Read: MLB executives want the image of MLB to be way more:

and, much less:


"The Houston Astros will move from the NL Central to the AL West for the 2013 season, leaving each league with 15 teams." (Read: There are butterflies in tornadoes at this moment that will have a greater effect on change in the universe than the movement of the Astros from one league to another. This is 'Scott Stapp is releasing another solo album'-level nothing.)

"Players will be required to participate in the All-Star game, unless injured or excused." (Read: Like DBSF was really worried that Tyler Clippard had something else going on mid-July 2011.)

Jordan Crawford Confidence (n.)

Jor-dan Craw-ford Con-fid-ence [Jor-din krall-ford kon-fi-duhns]
noun
1. Utterly delusional perception of one's ability and self-worth;
2. Flagrantly solipsistic;
3. Subjective self-assessment that leads one undertake such as the following:


Etymology
1. (2011) “I don’t tell nobody, but I feel like I can be better than Michael Jordan,” Crawford said, without the slightest hint of sarcasm. “When I’m done playing, I don’t want people to say, Michael Jordan is the best player. I want that to be me. That’s how I am. That’s how I was built.” (DBSF's note: The double negative in the first sentence indicates that yes, he does tell people--as evidenced by this Washington Post interview--that he thinks he's better than Michael Jordan.)
2. (2011) "On this day, everyone was still buzzing over Washington Wizards guard Jordan Crawford’s mistake of talking too much to [Kevin] Garnett a day earlier. When Boston Celtics teammate Paul Pierce tried to do Crawford a favor and push him away, Crawford urged Pierce to let K.G. go."
Synonyms
Ricky Davis'ing it, narcissism, Kardashian, The Great Divide (album), pictorial form (see below)

More Bad News for the Kansas City Chiefs

After back-to-back losses in which they lost by 28 points to the at the time winless Miami Dolphins--who also allegedly had a quarterback but Matt Moore's existence and participation is so ethereal that his 'play' at times borders on paranormal/ purgatoryish--and lost to the Denver Broncos' two completion aerial assault one would assume things couldn't get worse for the Kansas City Chiefs.

(DBSF Aside: Denver's what-appears-at-face-value 'limited' passing game, led by Tim Tebow, the apotheosis of non-secular quarterbacking, deserves greater attention. Many people assume that 1 Timothy's eight attempt, two completion for 56 yards represented the nadir in modern day passing football. But, 1 Timothy, the flagrant non-secularist that he is, might have actually been delivering a subtle message to the masses [note: 'masses' is 1 Timothy's designation for people/ fans/ humanity, not DBSF's]. Since much has been made of 1 Timothy's religiousity and "Tebow'ing" maybe this is his attempt as a deity--some might even see it as some bizarre deus ex machina--that 1 Timothy is one of us, aka the masses, so as to regain his flock that he lost after the sports media collectively questioned his quarterbackability in reaction to his prior performances. By keeping the ball as close to the ground via running/ not throwing 1 Timothy is illustrating some football allegory to us--again, the masses--that he is like us grounded by our simple humanness/ original sin/ gravity and not the beatific being 1 Timothy really is. That's the explanation or serious amounts of lysergic acid diethylamide seeped into the Broncos' facility's water treatment system, thus leading the coaching staff, psychodelicly, to believe that they and the football are one and as one contain a most debilitating form of Vertigo than can only be alleviated through constant football-to-ground contact.)

But, the Chiefs received more bad news when they found out today that starting QB Matt Cassel might actually return this season after under-going surgery for a hand-injury he suffered against the Broncos. While the return of an injured starting QB would be highly anticipated--if not at the least preferred--in most cases, Matt Cassell suffers from 'Luke McCown syndrome', which prohibits one from discerning his team from the opponent and from completing a greater percentage of passes than that which would be completed if one were to arbitrarily throw a ball up in the air ten yards beyond the line of scrimmage on passing possessions. Of course, if Cassell can't return that means Chief fans can look forward to a season of Tyler Palko, which is like agnosticism's version of Tim Tebow.

The Admiral’s NFL Week 11 Picks

by: the Admiral

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only. But if you do have the urge to use these picks for actual wagering take solace in the fact that my previous picks posted here went 11-3 (with 2 of the 3 losses occurring on the final play of the game).

JAX @ CLE +1: Browns upper management says that they are “cautiously optimistic” that Colt McCoy will develop into a solid franchise quarterback. While that does not sound overwhelmingly positive, you do have to put it in context. Here are some of the recent Browns quarterbacks and the team’s feelings about each becoming a reliable starter.

*Derek Anderson: “guardedly neutral”

*Jake Delhomme: “aggressively nauseous”

*Brady Quinn: “cautiously suicidal”

* Charlie Frye: “extraordinarily in denial”

* Luke McCown: “genuinely curious if we were drunk when we drafted him”

Pick: Browns

TB @ GB -14: The Green Bay Packers offense has more weapons than Gilbert Arenas’ locker. Pick: Packers

BUF @ MIA -1: Last season, Buffalo Bills wide receiver, Stevie Johnson, sent this tweet to God after dropping a game winning touchdown late in the 4^th quarter.

I for one am glad that God is finally making it clear to the world that he hates all of upstate New York. Pick: Bills

And we twitter to the Lord……..Lord hear our tweet.

PHI @ NYG -3.5: I was hoping to make a game-time decision on this game to see if Andy Reid would lift the controversial tackling moratorium he seems to have implemented with his defense back in Week 2. Pick: Giants

NYJ @ DEN +4.5: This game is hard to handicap because both of these teams have a serious issue working against them. For the Jets their biggest problem is that their quarterback is an overrated underachiever who I won’t name, but will tell you that he is okay with sporting white skinny jeans, a tight tank top and a fur coat.

For the Broncos their biggest problem is Eric Decker. Now Decker is actually a talented wide receiver, but he is their leading scorer; and he is white. The dilemma is that everyone knows that being an NFL team is like being a Kardashian sister; only the desperate ones score with white dudes. Pick: Jets

CAR @ DET -7: The Detroit Lions were everyone’s darling during their 5-0 start, but in the 3 losses since then it seems like the Lions couldn’t complete a forward pass with a month of planning, a GPS unit, and a defensive secondary that consists of three sacks of flour and a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett. Pick: Panthers

DAL @ WAS +9: Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan developed an ingenious machine to guarantee that the Skins make the playoffs.

The problem is that this machine only works when Andrew Luck walks through the door at step H; not so much with Rex Grossman and John Beck alternating clipboard and quarterback duties. The Skins don’t have a quarterback controversy; they have a quarterback catastrophe Pick: Cowboys

CIN @ BAL -7: If Raven’s coach John Harbaugh knows one thing, it’s football.

-

The weird part was when a reporter asked the follow-up question, “John, what does the F in NFL stand for?” he just stood there perplexed and pretended that he didn’t hear the question. Pick: Ravens

OAK @ MIN +1: With a 63 yard field goal in one game and three 50+ yard field goals in another it is clear that Sebastian Janakowski can make a field goal from just about anywhere on the field. The only place you will see more balls kicked is on America’s Funniest Home Videos. (Question to self to resolve before publishing this blogpost: Would “Ridiculousness” and/or “Tosh.0” be a more relatable reference to audiences of today for getting kicked in the balls or should I stick with America’s Funniest Home Videos?). Pick: Raiders

SEA @ STL -1: Seattle Seahawks assistant head coach Tom Cable is known to be a hothead. After a recent 30-28 loss to the Falcons he had to be restrained from attacking an official who made a late call that he disagreed with. After being restrained by players he instead had to settle for a “profanity-laced exchange,” which is, in my opinion, one of the best kinds of “laced” exchanges, or at least better than the boring “compliment-laced exchange” or the rarely used “poetry-laced exchange”. Pick: Rams

ARZ @ SF -9.5: I’ve watched the 49ers play a few times this year and I’ve been forced to come to the conclusion that they aren’t half bad; and even more surprising, Alex Smith can actually win football games. This is a conclusion my brain resists the way it would resist imagining ESPN sideline hog Shelley Smith naked. Pick: 49ers

TEN @ ATL -6: I’m not saying that the Falcons’ offense felt impotent for losing to New Orleans after failing to gain half a yard on 4^th down in overtime, but after the game the Saints’ defense kept gently stroking its arm and telling it that this happens to all the offenses. Pick: Titans

SD @ CHI -3.5: I was originally going to with:

Jay Cutler threw no interceptions last week. That means he has twice the quota to fill this week. These statistics don’t just look after themselves you know.

Then I thought it may be a bit cleverer to go with:

I wonder if Jay Cutler will prioritize his interceptions to members of the Chargers secondary based on height or alphabetical order.

Then I realized I can’t put down the Bears because they are playing the Chargers. I’ve sworn to never pick a Philip Rivers quarterbacked Charger team after his last second loss to the Chiefs cost me a ton of dough -- and neither me nor my bankroll will ever forgive him. So, as a last minute replacement I went with this:

The talented but underachieving Chargers have lost 4 straight games. This week is a game that the Chargers MUST win if they want to salvage their season. Or said in a different way, this is exactly the kind of game that, traditionally, Norv Turner loves to find a way to LOSE. Preferably with a last second coaching error and a long sullen look on his face that masks what he is really thinking. Pick: Chicago

“Should I eat fish tonight, I had fish last night, oh wait, what!!!? We just lost?? What happened? Oh well. Fuck it, they haven’t fired me yet, they never will.”

KC @ NE -14.5: Washed up wide receiver, Chad Ochocinco, is turning out to be a bust for the Patriots while averaging just 1 catch a game this season. NFL defensive backs have admitted that he is not a threat and the smart move would be to just ignore him, but instead of embarrassing him they have decided they will cover him just to be polite. Pick: Patriots

DBSF Hurt Feelings Report

A Wyoming high school football coach was forced to resign after forcing the following survey on his players. Upon first receiving the survey DBSF failed to recognize that it was for some Wyoming high school kids and he assumed he was part of the intended audience and, thus, responded. Below is a copy of part of DBSF's survey.

The Two Best Parts of Michael Jordan's Playground

Yes, DBSF needs to find a better way to cope with the NBA lockout. And, yes apparently he is one of the few whites affected by the lockout. Buutttttt, bear in mind, there are also much worse things to watch on Youtube while delaying/ avoiding life's various industries.

Scene 1: (Click here to start where the scene begins at 4:39.)
Younger, pseudo Jordan does get pushed around in the tryout but he is also the first person to attempt to combine the flat-top with the bowl-cut and that deserves credit for sheer ingenuity in DBSF's book. Lou George, second guy to make the team, sports the best shoulder length feather earring worn in a high school basketball tryout to date. Paul Anthony's flat-top pony-tail combo was inspirational but lacked the creativity of pseudo Jordan's flat-top, bowl-cut. Mike Segman making the team definitely compounded the insult of pseudo Jordan not making the team as not only was Segman white, but he also had a uni-brow.


Scene 2: (Click here to start where the scene begins at 2:29.)
First thing off the bat--the director for this scene is racist. Two black guys playing basketball so of course the director throws them in a caged court with graffiti on the walls and a broken basket. Last time DBSF checked by the time filming commenced for "Michael Jordan's Playground" in 1990, Jordan was a multi-millionaire through NBA contracts and endorsements. He also played for the University of North Carolina and on the Chicago Bulls. So, you mean to tell DBSF that between those resources and all of his NCAA and NBA connections Jordan can't at least secure a high school gym to shoot around with younger, pseudo Jordan? Also, apparently, Jordan and not Guy Fieri started the mid-forearm wrist band trend, which all of a sudden makes the adult mid-forearm wrist band less Monster Energy Drink-New Found Glory middle American mass-consumerish and more urban chic.

The Sad State of Current Day NFL Party Integrity

The Miami Herald is reporting that Dolphins' CB Vontae Davis was held out of Sunday's game after showing up to Saturday's practice late and smelling like alcohol after he and some teammates went out Friday night. (In their defense, at 0-7 and with their team's participation in the playoffs being highly unlikely, the difference of being 1-7 or 0-8 is insignificant in comparison to a Friday night out in South Beach as a 23 year old.)

But, this marks a sad state if it reflects current professional athletes' ability to 'do the party crime and handle the party time'. Rumor has it that back in the Georgetown days, when head coach John Thompson would get angry with star Allen Iverson for partying late into the night Thompson would schedule early practices and make players continually run suicides rather than have the traditional basketball-focused activities. Not only would Iverson beat all of his teammates in the sets of suicides but one time he supposedly proceeded straight to a treadmill where he sprinted until assistant coaches pulled him off. Thus, proving to Coach Thompson that unlike Vonta Davis, he, Iverson, could 'do the time and the crime'.

Of course, this is nothing to say of the legendary Jordan and Barkley escapades of late night parties followed by early morning workouts (probably more Jordan than Barkley) and thirty point performances in the afternoon. What makes Davis's inability to handle the hangover crime even more pathetic was the fact that as a defensive back he was going up against Matt Cassel and the sixth worst passing offense in the NFL. So while Jordan was going on 35 minutes of sleep after spending a half day at the China Club and would have to battle with John Starks for forty-plus minutes, you mean to tell DBSF that Vontae Davis can't set his cell phone alarm, wake-up, crush four Aleve and two glasses of water to chase Steve Breston for the Chiefs' 25-30 passing plays?

Highlights from 1978 NBA Finals

In the absence of an NBA season, DBSF, like many NBA enthusiasts, has been forced to watch replays of highlights and legendary match-ups from the past on NBA TV. At first it was kind of like watching re-runs of Friends--something you do with a moderate to high level of self-regret/ -loathing while suffering the aftershocks of a Jim Beam hangover that precludes one from moving to the end of the couch to grab the remote and change the channel to whatever New York-based art/ cooking/ fashion talent reality-TV competition Bravo is airing. But, then after getting a little acclimated to NBA TV's programming, and recognizing that the current labor dispute might have legs, being able to watch an entire late 80's conference final in the course of two hours becomes addictive. As a Wizards fan then it's natural that DBSF share game one of the 1978 NBA Finals.

Before the game starts we see that two car salesmen named Dick Motta and Lenny Wilkens worked the morning shift so they had the evening off to coach a professional basketball game. They look like the kind of grown, adult men that know how to get pot in multiple cities. Next, Miller Lite, a main sponsor, claims to be "Everything you wanted in a beer. And less." Really, Miller Lite is more 'everything you want in a beer that you didn't pay for and, thus, don't have the grounds to gripe about why somebody brought Miller Lite and not something else'.

While Brent Mussberger is giving his pre-game analysis there is a gentleman standing over Mussberger's left shoulder, who looks like he is going to assassinate someone in the audience or just sharted on a date and is going through that internal struggle with: Do I stay and just blame the smell on someone farting behind us or do I run to a stall, go to triage, and see if the night can be saved? Rick Barry and Steve Jones appear to have come up from taking bumps just before the camera pans to them. They can't wait for this basketball thing to be done so they can go race their Ferrari's down residential streets while their pet boa constrictors hang around their necks. Other thoughts:

-- Starting line-up is 20% white. We reached our quota, game on.
-- Wes Unseld strikes DBSF as the no-nonsense type of dude. Also, very hipy.
-- In the absence of a three-point line the mid-range jumper exists.
-- Jack Sikma actually has negative verticality on his jump shot. Not only could you not slide a piece of paper between the ground and his shoes when Sikma shoots, but he also drops a little so the release point is from lower than his normal standing position.
-- Whoever colored the green and yellow Seattle Supersonic's home court blue--the main color of their opponent--obviously has some peculiar thoughts on home court advantage. That, or he/ she is big into reverse psychology.
-- The graphics department at CBS sports has made great progress since the 1978 Finals. The on screen scoreboard looks like a second cousin of simply having the camera guy write the score on some transparency paper and putting it in front of the camera every few minutes. (They do however, get a little flashy with all those stars under "NBA on CBS" before the commercial break.)
-- There's a belief in the utility of the backboard that 33 years later is anathema.
-- Love that Tom Henderson plays with the necklace on. Do you, Tom.

The Admiral's Week 9 NFL Picks

by: the Admiral

These picks are for entertainment purposes only. When I say entertainment, I mean betting. PS. The Admiral is rusty after a long blogosphere sabbatical, so don’t judge me too harshly. A wise man once said, “writing comedy is difficult.”

CIN @ TEN (-3): Last week the Bengals received Oakland’s 2012 & 2013 first round picks for QB Carson Palmer. This week Cincinnati has returned the picks after admitting that they really wouldn’t know what to do with them. Pick: CIN

SF @ WAS (+3.5): In order to avoid a repeat of his recent handshake fiasco, SF head coach Jim Harbaugh is planning on tweeting Mike Shanahan his post game handshake. Pick: SF

SEA @ DAL (-11.5): Seahawks management is still awaiting a response to their inquiries to commissioner Roger Goodell regarding whether trading for Reggie Bush would allow them to vacate to their 2 current victories to take the lead in the Suck for Luck campaign. PICK: SEA

MIA @ KC (-4): In a move that NFL Insiders are calling hasty and impetuous, the Dolphins have decided to tempt fate by going ahead and booking hotel rooms in Dallas for their Week 12 matchup vs. the Cowboys. PICK: MIA

ATL @ IND (+7): Rather than comment on this game I will share an actual Resolved Question from Yahoo! Answers. Pick: ATL

Resolved Question

Would you rather have HIV or Curtis Painter as your team's QB?

A lot of progress has been made in the area of anti-retroviral medications, so HIV can be contained a lot better than in the past. The life expectancy for someone who has the HIV virus is MUCH greater than what it once was.
There is no cure for having Curtis Painter as your team's QB.

CLE @ HOU (-10.5): Despite that fact that the NFL is still at least a few years from relocating a team to Los Angeles, Browns running back Peyton Hillis announced this week that he is relocating himself to Los Angeles, a decision he says allows him to “not play for the Browns.” PICK: HOU

NYJ @ BUF (-1): Rex Ryan vs. buffalo wings is a no brainer. Mark Sanchez vs anyone, not so much. Pick: NYJ

DEN @ OAK (-9): Tim Tebow’s throwing motion lasts longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage. Pick: OAK

NYG @ NE (-9): NE is listing QB Tom Brady as questionable with a severely cracked chin. Pick: NYG

STL @ ARZ: (-3.5): When the St. Louis Rams announced this week that they would be benching all of their 1^st string players for the rest of the year they assured the NFL League office that they were not implementing a Suck for Luck strategy, but were just resting their starters for a crucial Week 1 game in 2012. Pick: STL

GB @ SD (+5.5): In order to cover the spread last week (and make the Admiral a shitload of money) all Phillip Rivers had to do was set up a FG by accepting a snap from center then falling to the ground. Apparently Phil is dyslexic and decided to fall to the ground first. I will never forgive him and will never ever ever ever again pick SD. Pick: GB

BAL @ PIT (-3): Worms. Gross. Pick: PIT

CHI @ PHI (-9): After not bringing a championship to Philly in 13 seasons on the job, many have wondered why Andy Reid has not been fired. After some research I’ve discovered that Andy Reid was actually fired in 2008 but due to an error in accounting has continued to collect a paycheck. Pick: CHI

TB @ NO (-9): No parody, just real talk. When your opponent just got whooped by the winless Rams, and are still favored over you by 9 points, it can’t do much for your confidence. Sorry TB. Pick: NO